Foreword: Legacy Hall of Fail 2.0

Let us begin with one pathetic fact: In all the eight years I’ve been Simming, I have never completed a Legacy.

That’s right. Not even the basic, can’t-go-wrong, ten-gen variety that was  so history when Alphabets and Apocalypses came around. Not even the kind without an accompanying story, where you can just three-time through the whole thing without taking pictures or noting anything down. Yes, I’m that pathetic. 

It’s not like I haven’t tried. I have. In fact, I have tried eight times in about as many years. But only a few of those attempts were mildly promising, and all of them ultimately failed. Let’s take a look at them one by one, shall we?

First were the Lowens. They lived in that archaic place we call The Sims 2. Their founder, Kylie, was created on the day I learned about the legacy challenge. She married a hideous pizza guy named Edward (in other words, she was cursed from the start) and popped out three ugly children—Walter, Daniel and Delilah. Then she went on with her life while her children had ugly children of their own. Good start, right? 

No. The trouble was, I was twelve or something at this point, and a wee bit clueless.  I’d only skimmed the rules, so I failed to grasp some of the finer points. And by that I mean the whole pick an heir, trim the branches of the family tree business. So two kids, Delilah and Walter, remained in the legacy house while Kylie (that’s right, the founder) moved out with her husband and most hideous son.  I know: I was an idiot. The whole thing fell into a heap around Generation Four, at which point I realized I didn’t like the family much anyway and left them for the vultures. 

(A scary thought: They still exist somewhere on my hard drive.)

The Harveys were the most promising of the lot, and the first who had a story worth uploading. Sort of. Melissa was a loopy, stubborn Sim who ate cookies by the bucketful and failed in her professional pursuits—and her romantic ones, too. It’s not that she had trouble getting a date, it’s just that she didn’t have the best taste. Enter Cleve, a whacked downtownie whose nose entered the gene pool and NEVER LEFT. Four generations later, there were still traces of it. The heir from Generation Two (yes, I understood the concept of heirs this time!) Fred, married a pretty townie from college and decided on a whim to have ten children. You know the deal from there—lots of chaos, red plumbobs, near deaths, urges to boolprop and instantly fix everything… You got it. Once nine of the Torturous Ten were out of the house, Hallie, our new heiress, married a Pokemon trainer wannabe named Ash, and the tale continued. Hallie’s daughter Adelaide gave birth to the first Generation Five child who would ever grace my game, plus two more, but I’m afraid that was the end of it. My computer got so slow that a single day on three-speed took at least ten years to play.  And that was the end of the Harveys.

In November of 2006, EA announced The Sims 3. For me, and for many of you, I’m sure, it was a bittersweet moment of indecision. Would I buy it when it came out?  Would I like it?  And, most importantly, if I liked it better than The Sims 2, would I ever go back?  (Cue hair-tearing panic sequence.)  Eventually, I decided with firm resolve that yes, of course I would buy TS3.  After all, they were making the neighbourhoods seamless and what was more annoying about TS2 than those stupid blue loading screens?  However, I also decided that—supposing I would abandon the old game—I couldn’t possibly leave TS2 behind without completing a legacy. So I made a very one-sided pact with a fellow Sims enthusiast to finish a ten-generation Legacy before the release of The Sims 3. I was pumped. I was going to finish this legacy if it was the last thing I ever did! Only by the time we made the pact, we had a month before TS3 hit the shelves. We also had a ton of schoolwork and impending exams (but y’know, who cares about those). Thus Carlanna Parlour‘s Epic Journey of Fulfilment was cut short after her daughter, Blair, gave birth to her first child.  At this point exams rolled around, coinciding exactly with the TS3 release date. All resolve was abandoned (and all textbooks) as I rushed out to buy the first copy I could find, leaving my TS2 days in the dust.

As excited as I was, I waited until exams were over to install The Sims 3. Because I’m a good kid, right? NO. Because my computer was a complete derp and couldn’t run the damn game. I was outraged at the time, but I’m not surprised, looking back. I was running a homemade rig with some Intel Celeron piece of crap and five-thousand-year-old Radeon graphics, so yeah, I might have been due for an upgrade). 

So I waited. I taped the controls manual up beside my monitor as incentive while I memorized types of government and the quadratic formula. When exams were finally done, my dad let me borrow his computer to test the game. Lo and behold, it worked! It wasn’t a permanent solution and it certainly wasn’t perfect, but beggars can’t be choosers and all that. I just wanted to play. Specifically, I wanted to start a legacy because I mean, what else do you do with The Sims these days? Pinstar hadn’t released the new rules yet, but I’d been reading some of the first Sims 3 legacy stories online, so I knew it was doable. The first thing I did on my brand new game was to create Toastie Mackerel: an insane angler who would be not only my TS3 guinea pig but the founder of my first TS3 legacy. What an honour for such a pitifully named Sim! The Mackerels were more successful than I’d expected; Toastie married Cyc10n3 Sw0rd of the creepy-ass name and had five children: Samara, Michael, Scott, and twins Harper and Ellen. Samara was hands-down the prettiest, and that’s how you pick heirs (duh) so she won. She had a set of female triplets who fell prey to my brief but cringe-worthy plant name phase. Sadly, my dad needed his computer back—but I was all “it’s k,” because I had my eye on some dual-core laptops and was rubbing my hands together with anticipation. Being me, I never retrieved my files from his hard drive, and they were eventually deleted. These are practically the only pictures I have left of the Mackerels. So long, Toastie and co. 

Right. So: August 2010. I had the Sims 3. I had my own computer that worked (and was purple, too). Goddammit, it was time to crack down and do this legacy thing. 

So did I make myself a nice, normal founder and get started on my ten generations? Of course not—I’m an idiot, remember? No, I made Harry Freaking Potter and decided to go for twenty-six instead. It wasn’t a terrible idea, granted. I mean, I would honestly be nowhere in life without Mr. Potter, and alphabet games are fun. It’s just that tackling an alphabet legacy when you haven’t even completed a regular one before is sort of like trying to cook creme brulee when you can’t even make a decent piece of toast. 

I have no idea what I was thinking, but I went for it. Harry apparated to Riverview and married a chubby ginger named Ruby Broke (’cause we all know the Brokes are just the Weasleys in disguise). The “A” generation was a success; we had Andromeda, Albus, Antonin, Algie, and Alice. But I couldn’t pick an heir, so I figured I’d post a poll in a forum somewhere. And then I got stuck on the story part, which is really just pathetic considering I call myself a writer. Basically I kept taking screenshots and putting off captioning them, so the work kept building up… and up… and up… and I got lazy. Thus, the Potters died, too. Temporarily. (Really, they only went to a limbo-type place that looked suspiciously like King’s Cross Station, had a chat with good ol’ Dumbles, and came back unscathed to finish their mission. Funny story, that—could probably fill up a book or seven.) 

The Potters’ nosedive sparked a profound “play it simple” epiphany. I was convinced, therefore, that my new founder Goldilox Horton (named for the one and only Tim Horton’s, of course) would be the beginning of my legacy success. In fact, this whole intro spiel was originally supposed to be for her story, before it was Seth Mellencamp’s and long before it was adapted for this very purpose. 

That didn’t happen. Goldilox’s four children didn’t even get a chance to grow up before they fell victim to my deadly procrastination. 

Next came Valeria Little—yet another founder who was going to be “the one.” She wasn’t. Surprise, surprise. She did, however, manage to get a kid or two out of Jared Frio—and that’s an accomplishment in itself. 

And finally, ladies and gentlemen, we come to the Mellencamps. Oh, those poor Mellencamps. I started their story almost a year ago when I experienced a gigantic wave of resolve and finally got the hang of this whole blogging business. I fleshed out this whole intro piece just for them; I even got caught up on my expansion packs! The Mellencamps were going to be the Chosen Ones, for realz this time—I could feel it. I uploaded a whole generation’s worth of chapters on www.mellencamplegacy.wordpress.com. There was a brief hiatus, and then I tackled the first chapter of gen two. It was all smooth sailing for a while… but it wasn’t meant to be. 

I’ll bet some of you are here because you’re wondering what happened to Seth and his clan—why I simply stopped writing their story, why I’m totally recycling their foreword here on this site. Well, the short answer is that I suck at commitment. The long answer involves a lot to do with starting university, developing a sudden and surprising life outside of stories and games, and finally getting fed up with my computer’s terrible graphics—but you don’t want to hear my excuses. All you really need to know is that the Mellencamps won’t be coming back. Sorry Seth, buddy—we had a good run, but it’s time for bigger and better things… you know, like Sims with actual body fat.

And that right there is a condensed history of my miserable attempts thus far; if you will, my Legacy Hall of Fail.

Take a moment to digest that.

Nine families, nine failures. Nothing has been going my way for the past eight years. Computer issues, glitches, distractions, you name it—everything that could possibly have hindered me has weaselled its way into the path of progress. But not this time. Because I have a plan. 

You see, in each of these legacies I’ve been striving for not only completion, but perfection. (Maybe not with the Lowens, but should we really pay attention to the brainchildren of our preteen selves?) Eventually the pressure is just too much and my lazy brain cracks, unable to bear the weight of something as OMG-SO-SRS as a Sims challenge. Truly. So I’ve decided that, in order to make things work, I need to first make them not work. 

I’m not talking about causing technical problems for myself. In fact, I’ve just built a brand new gaming rig with graphics that blow everything I’ve previously had out of the water, and I couldn’t be happier. We’re all set in the hardware department. I’m talking about the Sims themselves. 

From here on out, there’ll be no more record-breaking attempts, no more picture-perfect families with their boring, overachieving offspring. We’re going to spice things up a bit and create a more fallible family. A more dysfunctional family. 

But, being as proper spelling is just too dull for all this, I hereby introduce to you:

THE DYSFUNKSHINUL LEGACY.

And who better to kick off ten dysfunkshinul generations than someone who is completely incapable of doing anything right? 

Ladies and gentlemen…

Meet Tewl Langurd. This is his tewlish face.

And this is his legacy.

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About gryffindork7

I like cats. This is a really thorough bio.

Posted on July 12, 2012, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 25 Comments.

  1. Perhaps if you add all of them together you get one ten generation family?

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  2. Dammit, I love this! I wish I knew all of my failed sims legacies…there are soo many of them. Mainly because you get that sense of…yeah, I’m gonna do it this time…you hit the CAS and make your founder perfect and then you say something like…Shit, now I have to write what I’m playing.

    You are hilarious btw!

    Like

    • You just described my exact thought process every time I start a legacy! I am so A.D.D. that it never works because my gameplay gets waaaay ahead of my writing, and then I just go “meh” and start a new one. Hopefully not this time, though. 😛

      And thank you!

      Like

  3. I can relate, I haven’t done as many as you, but I’ve certainly never finished one before. 6 generations is my record.
    Love the little tribute you made. it made me remember my own failed legacies…

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    • Yeah! You’ve gotten further than I have if six is your record. I can’t start a legacy without thinking of all the ones I’ve done before, and I guess I wanted them to be useful for something… even if it was just a cautionary tale. 😛

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  4. I’ve never done as many legacies as you! I only successfully completed one, and I’m on my second (blogging wise). Though I did have one failed attempt before. I just hated that family…they were all too ugly!

    I hope your eight attempt is the best yet! 😀

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    • Well, you’ve certainly got me beat if you’ve completed one! Congrats on that. I know how hard it can be… as you can see here. 😛 This is my second legacy blog, too. And yeah, the ugly thing can be a problem. See the Lowens up there? I’m sure they had a few too many slices of ugly pie. They were just AWFUL.

      Oh, and thank you! I really hope so, too. 😀

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  5. I’ve had a couple failed ones that were just for fun, no score keeping or anything. xD I’m on a new one. lolz. I just get bored when their money amount far out-reaches their ability to actually spend it and get things I like watching them spend time doing. xD That’s why I have a story instead of a legacy. xD

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    • It’s a challenge, I know! My perpetual issue is that I always want to keep up a story with it, but then I have too much fun playing and fall way behind on writing. Either that or the lot gets so big and laggy that I want to punch it in the face.

      Like

  6. That… was absolutely glorious.
    I’m pumped to read now!
    Hopefully this one doesn’t end, right?

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  7. Oh my word! That’s a crap ton of legacies! I’m kind of on my 4th attempt… My issue with the other ones was that I tried playing before I wrote, and go off of the pictures… But my dumb brain’s problem is that I want stuff to be written an exact way and stuff, so it works for me to write first, and take the pictures after… And if there is anything that I need to change because say a sim gets pregnant, then I change what I wrote… And surprisingly, it kind of works… Except for my procrastination… Darn thing… Anyway… Now that I’m done reading your legacy hall of fail, I think that I will read the actual legacy now.

    I was going to ask if you could read my legacy, but I just noticed that you were already subscribed… Heheh…

    -Nate

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    • Sounds about right! Playing and then writing is a dangerous way to go… And procrastination is my worst enemy! Strange how we can put off even the things we enjoy doing, isn’t it?

      And yeah, I read your prologue a while back and must have gotten distracted, but apparently I liked it enough to put it on my follow list! I’m really enjoying reading through it now. 😀

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  8. I love your Hall of Fail even though it makes me feel old. 12 when you started reading legacies? My God….

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  9. I haven’t even gotten to your actual legacy and I’m already sobbing from laughing so much! This hall of fail is fantastic. May Tewl and his descendants fare better than your other legacy families!

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  10. Hehe I like seeing all your old legacy attempts, your sims 2 sims were adorable 😀
    I never even tried playing a legacy when I first got the game, I didn’t even know what it was. Of course EA’s default story progression is so terribly sad that it depressed me to move my kids out and have them live solitary lives with no jobs. Once I got Nraas SP I jumped on the whole legacy bandwagon.

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  11. i followed your blog a bit ago (thanks for following mine too btw!) and as horrible of a person i am, i’m just now getting to reading your story. can i just say that i love the way you write? i am SO excited to get to reading your legacy that i have every confidence you will finish. 😀

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    • Nahh, I’m glad you dropped by, you certainly-not-horrible person! Thank you for the compliment and the confidence – you are far too kind! I hope I can live up to your expectations. 🙂

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  12. I’ve tried so many legacies and legacy spinoffs. Most of them didn’t even get generation 2 born. Only recently have I actually made some legacy families I can actually engage in. I’ve been thinking about starting a blog, but my rule is that I have to get to at least generation three in one legacy to show I at least have some sense of commitment.

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    • Getting started is the hardest part – I would know! 😛 I also know it’s different for everyone, but I would seriously recommend starting a blog. It kind of forces you to commit and invest, especially if you have people reading along. I hope you’re able to get one off the ground if that’s what you decide to do! Oh, and welcome to the site. 😀

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  13. You remind me so much of myself. I started so many legacy challenges in the Sims 3 it’s ridiculous. I thought I would play the game, get a few generations worth of screenshots all while taking note of ideas I had and plot lines so that I could eventually create my own blog and start posting these screenshots with a well developed story for each generation. That never happened. Just like you I would get bored and stop playing with the family or something more important (school, work, personal life) would come up and I’d have to put it off. One time I had completed 3 generations of a family and was about to start number 4 when I learned about the black widow challenge and decided to try that in another saved game. My family was lost to me after that and I never even finished the black widow challenge either! Other legacy challenges ended because the game got glitchy which turned me off of playing so I’d start a next one and then boredom or more glitching would be the end of it. Another big issue for me was that my computer sucked graphics wise so my Sims looked quite derpy in the screenshots so that wasn’t very inspiring either. When I got the Sims 4 I made up my mind to do this legacy challenge once and for all. I created a blog a day after I started playing with the Sloanes to avoid procrastination and made up some of my own rules using Pinstar’s as a guide to avoid boredom. It helps that I have readers following me and leaving feedback after every post. Now I feel obligated (in a good way) to finish this cause I know people are invested in it. I like how you made Tewl Langurd and “his tewlish face”. LOL. This family sounds very interesting so I’m gonna get started on them now. 🙂

    BTW, I promise I don’t usually leave long comments like this all the time. LOL.

    Like

    • We do sound very similar! My main deterrents were a) lack of attention span, b) I hated my graphics, c) glitches, and d) lack of other people who were invested in the story when I was too lazy to care… I think I’ve solved at least two of those problems, so I’ve found my groove and it sounds like you have too! I will definitely have to check out your legacy, since I haven’t read much in the TS4 universe yet. I also had no idea what the Black Widow Challenge was until I Googled it… Man, that is twisted! But it sounds a bit like playing with a female Tewl. 😛

      Oh and don’t worry about leaving long comments! I appreciate people taking the time to give me their thoughts, and I’m usually quite verbose myself, haha.

      Liked by 1 person

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