1.1 A Most Inospishus Beginning
Hi, everyone! Welcome to the first installment of the Dysfunkshinul Legacy. If you’ve followed any of my past stories, you’re probably thinking: “ANOTHER one? And you’re going to finish this time? Chhyeaahhh, good luck with that BYE.”
But let’s not get bogged down in my shortcomings as an entertainer. Instead, allow me to introduce the founder of this lovely legacy: Mr. Tewl Langurd!
“Yo”? You’re about to embark on a journey of hopes and dreams and self-actualization and family honour (yeah, right) and all you can say is “yo”?
Tewl: Yeah, bro.
Tewl here is a flirty, rebellious, mooching loser with commitment issues. He flunked out of second grade, wasted seven years on a parkour team, and got arrested for public urination—so naturally, he vowed to extend his genetic reign as long as possible. OH, JOY.
Tewl is a Scorpio who enjoys hip hop music, the colour orange, and tri-tip steak. His dream of dreams is to break the hearts of ten vulnerable, unsuspecting, smokin’ hot ladies. Or maybe ten independent, unconventionally attractive dudes with trust issues. He ain’t discriminatin’, he just wants your heart.
Fun fact: Tewl also goes by “The Flame.” At least, that’s what he wishes people would call him.
There were a few issues before Tewl could move into his stylish patch of grass. Namely, my recent installation of Pets plonked a massive equestrian centre right on top of 15 Summerhill Court, the prescribed legacy lot for Sunset Valley. So I did some finagling, and after a lot of confused bulldozing and general incompetence, the Goths were shoved into a trailer and the Altos wound up in Mosquito Cove. Oops. :3
On the bright side, Tewl is now the proud owner of 3600 empty green squares!
Tewl: Sick, bro. What’m I s’posed to do wif it?
Uh, live there, bro. Why don’t you buy some starter things? Some plumbing, somewhere to sleep…
Tewl: *rolls want to buy motorcycle*
Not happening, doofus. $1800 is your budget.
In second grade math terms, then: Tewl has $1800. Tewl wants to buy a motorcycle for $4200. How much change will Tewl get back? NONE BECAUSE TEWL CAN’T HAVE A MOTORCYCLE. 😡
Tewl: Dere’s no need to be such a bitch about it.
Whatever. Please just buy the bare necessities.
Tewl: Dat oughtta do it.
FJZIURTHKLFGVJL. That is not what I meant. D:
Football: There are no other sims on this lot to play with. LOL.
One worldly possession and he can’t even use it. Wonderful.
Tewl: Chill, lady. Imma sell summa dese fishes and den I’ll be livin’ it up real good.
Good luck with that, moron.
After a day of standing by the lake (he made $99—just barely compensating for the football) Tewl swallows his pride and moves into the fire station. Or he would, if he had anything to be proud of in the first place.
Tewl: Dat was a long walk.
You took a taxi.
Tewl: Waiter! Get yo lazy ass over here!
Upstairs, Tewl finds a fully equipped bedroom and decides it’s his for the taking.
Tewl: What’s dat weird triangly symbol on the door?
…You mean the women’s bathroom?
Tewl: Dere are women firefighters now???
night mid-afternoon, Tewl dreams about marriage and how he doesn’t like it one bit.
This is going to be the best legacy ever.
Swiftly and surely losing all hope in Tewl, I leave him to die and go roaming the town. And who should I stumble upon but Christopher Steel, jogging along all calm and collected in his formalwear? THIS GUY. ❤ I must confess, I’m a bit of a Chris Steel fangirl and I really want his genes in my legacy (not a euphemism, I swears) but the silly man never has kids autonomously. 😦
Why can’t he be my founder instead??
Tewl: Watch out ladehs, da Flame’s fine lovin’ is gonna burn you up like a… like a really burnt piece of toast! *sizzle*
Can’t wait to get him out on the prowl.
Meanwhile, still dressed to the nines, Christopher elegantly casts his line into the pond at Central Park.
Christopher: Lalalalala, spring’s in the air…
I may actually just follow him around town for the duration of the legacy and leave Tewl to self-destruct on Free Will. Errrr, not that I would stoop so low as to stalk a bundle of pixels.
I compromise and have Tewl introduce himself. Just look at that dorky grin.
Tewl: Yo Combover, I’m here on special orders from da higher-ups. Apparently you know how to get da ladehs?
Christopher: Oh boy, no one’s ever asked me to be a wingman before!
WHAT A PERFECT IDEA, PLEASE BE BFFS NOW. ❤
Tewl: Hold up, I just met da guy!
You would not be saying that if he were an attractive woman.
Speaking of which…
Tewl: Hey gurrrrrrl, whatchoo doin’ tonight?
You creep, she’s like sixteen!
Bebe: Hey, anything to get out of the nuthouse for a night.
No way, kid. Run for your life.
To top off his jam-packed night of socialization, Tewl sits down to a picnic with Beau Andrews, the least interesting Sim I’ve ever seen.
Beau-ring (geddit?): Shit man, how can you walk around with all that art on your body?Art is way over-stimulating. I’d rather stay home and stare at a potato.
You look like a potato.
Tewl: FREE FOOD OMG
Then it’s back to the homestead, where Tewl is making sure to muss up a new bed every night.
Tewl: Zzzzzz… Serves ’em right… Lousy hired help, makin’ me clean my own dishes… Zzzzz…
You show ’em.
But the fun can’t last forever, and I can’t be expected to deal with this douche 24/7. So I schluff him off on Landgraab Industries as a test subject.
Simbot: Oh, so now I get to deal with him?
Yeah, have fun! 😀
Tewl: Welp, dat was productive. Can I go skinny dipping now?
No, but you can go back to your actual home for the first time in light-years. Lo and behold, we find a lost French girl wandering around the pond. See, Tewl? This is what you miss when you’re squatting on community property!
Tewl: Can’t hear you, too busy revvin’ up my chick magnet.
Can you even rev up a magnet?
Tewl: Hey baby, duhhh… Love me please?
Amélie: Ugh, you smell like muskrat zat drowned in zee pea soup.
Believe me, that’s probably just his cologne.
At the very least, he earns her sympathy and mooches some bread and jam from the pocket stash that she sneaked through customs.
Tewl: But dere should be a table hurr for my convenience?
Amélie: I fear for zee inhabitants of zis town.
Tewl: A woman will clean dis.
*drop-kicks entire computer*
At “home” for once, Tewl summons his wingman so they can play catch with the waste-of-money football. But when Chris arrives, he stands there talking on his phone and completely ignoring Tewl. To which I say: HAHA KARMA. :’)
Tewl: Tewl lonely. Need bro. Dis no laughing matter.
Tewl: Yo Dweebicus. So I was thinkin’. We gotta consolidificate our brohood with a bro ritual. Wanna toss a super speshul football?
Chris: Sure, man.
And then the “Play Catch” command disappears from Tewl’s action queue and the football VANISHES into thin air and TEWL’S ONLY POSSESSION IS GONE.
Truly. It’s not on the lot and it isn’t in Tewl’s inventory. It just isn’t anywhere. So what are we to do?
Immediately blame Christopher and take extreme measures to prove it, of course.
Tewl: Hey man, wanna move in?
Yep, even those measures.
Chris: Well, you don’t have a house or furniture or money or even a lousy football now apparently, but yeah, that sounds like a swell idea!
And so it came to be that Christopher Steel joined the household on Week One, Day Three of the legacy (a Tuesday). Chris is a Taurus who likes indie music, pancakes, and lime. He’s a natural cook, a great kisser, a wee bit daring, and a friendly angler. One day he would like to Present the Perfect Private Aquarium. Sounds all dorky and docile, right?
NOPE. Bloody thief had the football, he did. Probably just holding it ransom so we’d invite him to join in the fun.
Well then. Nicely played, Christopher Steel. I just hope you know what you’re getting yourself into.
And that’s all for now, because I have my own dysfunkshinul family get-together to attend off in the middle of some farmy place. Leave a comment below and I’ll do my best to get back to you! (Ah, who am I kidding? Considering how few people are probably reading this, I will most definitely get back to you. Maybe even twice. :D) Hopefully you’re all liking things so far! Let me know if you have any thoughts. 🙂