1.2 Bachillerz 4 Lyfe
Welcome back to the Dysfunkshinul Legacy! In the last installment—not that it was very long ago—we saw our idiot founder Tewl being a world-class mooch (in keeping with his traits) and failing in his romantic endeavours (for which he has NO EXCUSE). Then, Christopher Steel stole his football, so he asked the guy to move in, and voila, we now have two useless members of this legacy! Excitement lies below.
In celebration of their new domestic bromance, I let Tewlopher get some ice cream at the truck that is perpetually stalled in front of their lot. Whoever is driving that thing clearly missed the memo when this ceased to be a rich neighbourhood.
Ice Cream Man: You know what happened to them swanky folks used to live up here?
Tewl: Ya, dey were forced to move to a swamp.
Ice Cream Man: No kidding. Well there goes my business.
Sadly, Tewl can’t even say “one pink sprinkly cone, please” without bursting into tears over work drama. What a sissy.
Tewl: Yo, I feel totally violated! Can’t even buy a damn ice cream without wonderin’ if it’s spiked wif radioactive rat poop!
Ah, the trying life of a Test Subject.
Tewl: Meltdown over. ONE PINK SPRINKLY CONE, PLEASE 😀
Chris: Unghhh, this doesn’t taste right. My blood hurts.
Shhh, don’t tell Tewl.
Tewl: Good ice cream, eh Chris?
Since Christopher moved in with $5000, Tewl figures he’s reached a milestone in self-sufficiency. So he buys himself a motorcycle.
Chris: Manual says get a license, tune the exhaust, check the tyres and headlights, put on a helmet—
Tewl: SCREW DAT, BITCHES. Only rule for ridin’ a motorcycle is LOOK FUCKIN’ COOL.
Because you’re gonna look reeaaaal cool as road pizza.
Tewl: OUTTA DA WAY, SWINES! KING’A DA ROAD COMIN’ THROUGH!
Horses: What a tool.
Having spent all his money on a luxury item AGAIN, Tewl ends up sleeping at the fire station again. Christopher follows closely in his beat-up car. He’s innocently playing video games when Dorothy DeMayo, some paparazzi lady, comes running into the house and spams him with social interactions. He’s not even a celebrity?
Chris: THERE’S A GIRL TALKING TO ME WHAT DO I DO.
I don’t know, something impressive!
Chris: Hey Dorothy, watch this! *eats dog crap*
Dorothy: Oh my god, who does that???
Apparently she forgave him for his strange ways (or decided to give him additional brain damage) because minutes later I find them doing this.
Dorothy: Prepare to be annihilated!
Chris: How the hell is she doing that with her arms?
Tewl: One fish, two fish, red fish… yellow fish?
Dorothy: I don’t like you anymore. Bye.
Chris: Okay 😦
Tewl: I love my house! 😀
What a pair of losers.
Speaking of which, Tewl wakes up with enough time to catch the latest episode of… what the hell are you watching?
Tewl: Some weddin’ thang. I’m just waitin’ for the giant space rock to fall on these over-committed saps.
I wouldn’t hold your breath.
Tewl: Aww man, stupid space rock made me late for work.
On your second day? Someone’s slated for extra rat poop, methinks.
Turns out they have just enough money for a traditional bundle-of-crap legacy abode, so I build them what can only be described as the most manly bachelor pad ever. Surprise!
Chris: …Is that supposed to be a house?
A real man would be beating his chest at the sight of it.
Chris: I mean… that’s a lovely, er, windblock. The wallpaper just screams maturity.
I even gave them a bathroom. See how I spoil these guys?
Chris: Gee, you’re the best.
Shut it if you know what’s good for you.
Next, I decree it’s time for some good, old-fashioned mingling, since these two dorks are suffering from a sore lack of friends. While Tewl finishes up at work, I have Chris scope out the park, the library, the Bistro, and a few sketchy alleys, but the gym is where it’s at these days.
Chris: Well hi there, Miss. I’m Christopher Steel, but you can call me—
Tamara: Stop right there. You look like a man who owns a good, sturdy toilet. Take me now, Christopher Steel!
See, what did I tell you?
No such luck for Tewl, who strikes out catastrophically with Susan Wainwright within seconds of arriving. That’s what you get for being a semi-professional loser… and hitting on a married woman, I suppose.
Tewl: Thanks for woundin’ my ego, yew stupid soulless ginger.
Susan: My pleasure.
Naturally, he moves on to another married woman.
Victoria: Oh wow, I’ve never met a celebrity before!
Tewl: Dat’s right, try notta be too intimidated by my presence doe. I’m just an ordinurry guy at heart.
Good lord. Meanwhile, Chris ups his game by pretending to lift weights, but he’s a little distracted as you can see.
Chris: Salmon legwarmers are such a turn-on.
So he invites her to go skinny dipping. Hopefully not with Iqbal Alvi skulking around the pool like that, but I don’t remember.
Tewl: No fair! How’d he get one dat quickly?
I hate to be cliche, but maybe by being himself?
Tewl: I’m bein’ myself!!
Victoria: Tell me more about your PhD.
Dorkface may be out of his element if this goes much further, however.
Chris: So… cool. What do we do now?
Tamara: You could take me home and show me that toilet of yours…
Chris: Duhhhh, how about we just stay here and tread water.
Nevertheless, he hits more bases in one night than Tewl mas managed in the entire span of the legacy so far.
Chris: *dazed* Is this real life?
Tamara: You’re sexy.
Chris: And you’re— OMG I WANT THAT JUICEBOX.
He watches her forehead intently all through their first kiss and still misses.
Chris: Shh, we’re totally kissing. What’s a centimetre in the grand scheme of things?
Back home, Tewl stares at a wall and thinks about vegetables.
Upon Cassanova’s return, we encounter a quandary of cohabitation that I have sadly failed to foresee.
Chris: I gotta pee.
Tewl: Too bad, I’m hungry.
Chris: Yeah, but I gotta pee. You’ll have to evacuate the lot because I am a prude.
Tewl: I AIN’T WALKIN’ ACROSS THE STREET SO YOU CAN TAKE A WHIZZ IN MY TOILET, DAMMIT.
So we cash in Christopher’s car for some walls. #sorrynotsorry
But Tewl still ends up hogging the toilet because he’s too lazy to eat cereal on his feet.
Tewl: I’ss bad for da circulation, yo.
What?! Metapod is evolving!
This Butterfree has a strangely extensive vocabulary…
Tewl: I hate you.
With no TV to catch his morning soaps, Tewl amuses himself with the local wildlife.
Tewl: Stupid widdle kitty cat, how ’bout a nice swim in da lake?
Cat: Fool, you the most ridiculous thing I seen in my life.
Lake: *looks like toxic sludge just when you thought you had your graphics sorted out*
While Christopher tries to compensate for Tewl’s utter failure as a breadwinner.
Chris: Dang nabbit, what a lousy catch. I’m useless!
Never mind that it’s worth more than Tewl’s daily wages.
When the working man is done working, it’s time for Round Two at the gym. I steer him toward Erin Kennedy in all her camo glory, but he only has eyes for Vita Alto.
Tewl: I’d tap dat.
Not in a million years, bucko. Is that charcoal on her face?
You disgust me.
Unfortunately for Tewl, I have the POWER and my mouse gets to make these decisions. Erin Kennedy it is.
Tewl: You can’t see my speech bubble right now ‘cause I’m sayin’ real dirty thangs dat are unfit fer public consumption.
Erin: I’m sorry, I don’t engage in romantically suggestive discourse.
Tewl: UNFLIRTY? Fuck dat, ur people should not be allowed to exist!
Vita: Somebody call an ambulance, I think I pulled my everything.
That reminds me, I hope you’re enjoying Mosquito Cove! 😀
Tewl: At least tell me you like orange. If not, I’m prolly gon’ have to shoot you.
Erin: Actually, I’m more of a blue person myself…
Suck it up, Tewl. You’ve got a LTW to complete and you’ve already wasted too much time.
Tewl: Well okay, here goes nuffin.
Jeez, even Christopher was in the general vicinity of the face on his first try.
Tewl: OMG SHE HAS A FACE??
Point taken, I forgot who I was talking to for a second.
Tewl: Dis is just disappointing in comparison.
Cyc10n3: I am standing in the KITCHEN at a GYM and yet do not appear to have any meat on my bones. I think I just hacked life.
Tewl: K gotta go now bye.
Erin: I’ll wait for you, my love!
Wow. So much for unflirty.
And this is where I shall leave you because this chapter is like, twice as long as the last one. I promise more stuff will happen next time! But for now, Happy Simming—and feel free to leave a comment if you feel like it. 🙂