1.4 Broez Over Hoez
Welcome back! Last time, we discovered that Tewl is really lame and needs to get a move on with his LTW. But what else is new?
Christopher got a job at the diner! That’s kind of new and exciting, right?
Chris: Oh, yes. As you can tell from the smiley faces above my head, I am simply ecstatic.
Hey, we can’t always have what we want. Or ever, if you’re Tewl’s peon.
Chris: Gee, that’s encouraging.
Poor Chris. The first wish he rolled upon moving in was “join stylist profession.” I couldn’t quite reconcile his character with that level of flamboyance, so I put him in the Culinary track instead.
Chris: Which is much more manly.
Kill the sass, it doesn’t suit you.
This one, on the other hand…
Tewl: I got some things to whine about, lemme tell you.
How about you tell Christopher instead? It looks like he’s eyeing up the football again. THAT’S RIGHT, BUDDY, I SEE YOU AND I HAVE FULL ACCESS TO YOUR INVENTORY NOW.
Tewl: So wha’ss wif da world an’ dis commitment fing, huh? I just don’ geddit. Why’s it so hard fer a girl to realize I only want one fing outta her an’ den she’s trash to me?
Chris: No clue. Can I go shower now? The boss poured hot gravy on me for putting the cheese in the freezer…
Tewl: Musta been some brainwashing bullshit dey teach in da third grade. An’ I’m da only enlightened one round hurr ’cause I never made it dat far.
Tewl: Seriously, bro. Is education fucked up or what?
Chris: Why do I even live here?
As a reminder to Chris of that fateful day (and in order to finally christen the football with a “bro ritual”) I send them off to play catch. Predictably, Tewl’s got pretty good hands while Christopher… well, I’ll let the picture speak for itself.
Chris: Egyptian Interpretive Dance is very complex, I’ll have you know.
Egyptian? More like a Jelly-Legged Flamingo Hop. Or the Waltz of the Superklutz.
Chris: You may know it by an alternate name.
Chris: I got it! I got— doh.
Tewl: Noob, dis is what all dat studyin’ gets ya.
At about this point, my game starts freezing up like it used to on my laptop and I get really scared because, you know, it would suck to spend $1000+ on an upgrade for nothing. So I do a little investigating and deduce that there’s “stuck” sim somewhere around town, which means I have to go and hunt them down.
The mission is accomplished fairly quickly. The culprit is Sam Sekemoto, who isn’t even doing anything technically demanding. Apparently, he’s just too stupid to walk in a straight line.
Sam: Dad, wait up! I’m stuck!
Leighton: My son is an idiot.
Sam: NO SERIOUSLY DAD. D:
(So I reset him and he vanishes. :D)
Mailwoman: DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT RUNNING AWAY AGAIN, YOU HEAR?
We may have just solved the mystery of the disappearing bills. (Just kidding—we know full well that Christopher ate them.)
Contrary to how I’ve been writing them, Tewlopher actually have a pretty solid bromance. Without any direction from me, they’re constantly running around like a pair of five-year-olds. A positive omen for the legacy if there ever was one.
Tewl: Prepare to die, Chris!
Chris: Not the Impossible Shoulders of Death again! *cowers*
It’s been a while since Chris has seen Tamara, so he invites her over for some fun (read: I want Christopher offspring for when Tewl’s kids grow up, and what better time to start than now?).
Chris: Hey, I was thinking maybe you could come over. What do you say, Tamara?
Tamara: You want me to come over tomorrow?
Chris: No no, Tamara. Your name. Want to come over to my house?
Tamara: You don’t have a house.
Chris: Jeez! Fine, do you want to come over to my plot of grass TODAY?
Tamara: Oh! No, I don’t feel like coming over right now.
She responds like so every time he calls, no matter when he calls, even though their relationship is maxed out. My favourite kind of townie.
Erin, meanwhile, makes herself completely at home despite the fact that Tewl doesn’t have one.
Tewl: Wha’ss dat bitch doin’?
Erin: Collecting samples for my DNA bank.
Tewl: Wait, somethin’s not right. Why can I see fru dese walls?
Walls: I resent that.
(Cheater photography FTW)
Finally, the chance arises to send Overly-Attached Twihard packing.
Tewl: Dat’s it. We over. I’mma close my eyes an’ when I open ’em you’d best not be here.
Erin: Duh, what? Where did I go wrong?
I’m gonna go ahead and guess it’s when you trusted a guy named Tewl. Now adios.
Erin: *sob* Tewl broke my heart! He is a horrible person!
Paparazzi Dude: Tewl is the greatest guy ever!
Tewl: Aw yeah, da peasants love me.
Lord knows why.
With Tamara being all weird, Chris’s only option is to wait outside her house until she returns from her never-ending errand.
But when he arrives like ten minutes after the rejection call, she’s actually at home. That’s awkward. So is talking about politics to your boyfriend you just blew off four times.
Tamara: So you know, you should really vote for the Circle Party. Their public sector reforms are just radical all round.
Chris: That’s great, but not why I came over.
Tamara: It isn’t?
Chris: Surely this makes it obvious.
Tamara: Makes what obvious?
Chris: Are you… you seriously don’t get it?
Tamara: Not at all. Enlighten me.
She was enlightened (six times). Unfortunately, they must suck at everything as much as they suck at kissing because no lullabyes were heard.
NOT HAPPY, GUYS. DON’T LOOK SO PLEASED WITH YOURSELVES.
With Erin out of the way, Tewl moves on to a new-but-not-really victim: Victoria Andrews.
Tewl: Hey, you have a husband, and this is crazy…
Tewl: …But ooommmfffffmummmfff.
And what are you doing back there, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Taking a picture of your horrible continuity lololol.
True enough. And on that note I will sum up Victewlia’s forbidden love in four more screenshots ready GO.
Tewl: So I been thinkin’, you should dump Beau an’ be ma girl. Whaddya say?
Victoria: Sure! What are thirty years of marriage to a fling with a tattooed hunk?
Aaaand I probably don’t want to know what happened in there.
Victoria: Well, aren’t I just the bee’s knees.
Uh, no. Who even says that anymore?
Tewl: Whoa dere lady, don’t get too comfy. I got some fings to say.
Victoria: Of course, Tewl. What’s on your mind?
Tewl: Actually, just one fing: GET OUTTA MY LIFE.
Victoria: Did I just get divorced and dumped in the space of two hours?
Tewl: Damn right ya did, but don’t come cryin’ to me ’bout it.
Paparazzi Dork: Mr. Tewl, sir! Mr. Tewl! Will you sign my chest please, Mr. Tewl?
Victoria: To hell with it all. I’m a free woman now! I think I’ll go live in a tree and learn to speak chipmunk.
And she was never heard from again. (Jk, I’m pretty sure she’s in the next chapter.)
Tewl: Alrighty, bring on da next one.
I’ve been curious about the Altos and their new digs, so I decide to kill two birds with one stone and send Tewl to Mosquito Cove, where there are two available ladies that I know of. (Available, that is, by Tewl’s disgustingly broad standards.)
Tewl: What a dump.
Nothing like your place, of course.
Tewl: Nah man, look at all dem weeds.
Which are so much worse than dirty plates, right?
Tewl: Dude, deir fridge is on da porch!
Yeah, but yours is on the… Oh, screw it.
Nick: Answer your phone, boy!
(Apparently, the Altos are a little bit like the Dursleys in my head. So picture that in Vernon’s voice. XD)
Tewl: Nah, don’t think I will. Too busy staring at your craphole.
Nick: I beg your pardon?
Tewl: I meant your house, not your butt.
Nick: Why I ought to… Ah, bother. Better get to work. Drills to sell and all that.
Tewl: Well hey dere, purdy lady. I’m Tewl Langurd, but you can call me da Flame.
Vita: Tewl Langurd… Tewl Langurd, our first ever visitor! WELCOME, TEWL LANGURD!
I was afraid of this.
Tewl: I told you to call me da Flame, bitch.
Vita invites him graciously inside, where she proceeds to stand in front of the stove for two hours, starving and confused. They really have no idea how to exist in this place.
Meanwhile, Tewl turned his attentions to Holly, who recently aged up into a really terrible outfit. (Think it’s half decent? You ain’t seen the shoes yet.)
Tewl: So, Holly. Do ya like… drama?
Holly: *blank stare* …Are you going to take me away from here and make me a princess again? ‘Cause if you are, I LIKE YOU. 😀
Tewl: Sure thang, babe.
Tewl: Be ma girl?
Holly: Obviously! Now what was your name again?
Holly: Oh no, the waffle gremlin must have been here again. MOM, you can come out of the cupboard now, I think it’s gone!
(Behold: THE SHOES. I don’t even know why those are in my game.)
Tewl skips a day of work to take Holly on an improvised “happily ever after.” First stop: the mausoleum.
Tewl: Can’t be too romantic or she’ll wanna stick around forever.
Might be a little late for that…
Holly: I know we just met, but— Oh, what the heck, I’ll just come out and say it. I love you, Tewl! Please take these flowers as a sign of our undying bond!
Tewl: Uh, great. I skipped breakfast so I think I’m gonna just eat dese, ‘kay?
Holly: Anything for you, my love!
Next, they head to the diner where Christopher works.
Tewl: Stupid Chris. Didn’t even get us a discount.
Christopher is an incompetent Spice Runner whose boss hates him. I don’t think he has much authority in this place.
Tewl: Still! I’m sicka payin’ for my food.
Holly: My Prince Charming. ❤
“Prince Charming” gallantly lets Holly drive them to their next destination: the community
germ-breeding facility pool.
And who should arrive at precisely the same time but Morgana Wolff, Tewl’s personal stalker. Seriously, she’s there every time I turn around. Woman must be shirking her job or something.
Tewl: What a deadbeat.
Right? (Spoiler: Tewl quits his job hours after this picture is taken. He’s terrible at it and we have a Christopher now, so keeping it really seems pointless.)
Holly: POOL TIMEZ!
Tewl: Wrong way, Hol— ah, fuck it, I’m just gonna read dis book fer work.
Morgana: Hey, Tewl, fancy seeing you at a random community lot for the third time this week.
Tewl: Oh. Hey, Morfina.
Congrats Tewl, I think you finally have a woman in your life who isn’t on your date-and-ditch list! At least I don’t think she is?
Tewl: You kiddin’? Wif dat ass like cardboard?
I need to stop giving you credit for personal growth.
That sure is a long time to stare at cardboard, though. Please go find Holly before she chases a butterfly off a cliff or something.
Tewl: Let’s go chase some butterflies, baby.
Stop turning my narration into pickup lines. 😦
Too late. Butterflies are ruined forever.
Eventually, Tewl sends Holly home and indulges Morgana in some hangouts. During which she kicks his loser ass in a breath-holding competition.
Tewl: No fair, I’m way tireder! I been workin’ hard, dammit!
Morgana: Seriously? I’ve been down here for like five seconds.
Morgana: You know what, Tewl? We should really hang out more often.
Tewl: You ain’t a stalker, right?
Morgana: No, stupid. I’ve just found that the best way to hide from my idiot husband is to be nowhere… and yet everywhere at once.
Tewl: Holy shit, dat’s cool.
Morgana: Basically I bum around community lots.
Tewl: Whaaaat! Dat’s it—Mortunia, we gonna be bros fer lyfe.
Morgana: I guess I could do that.
And at that moment I decided that one way or another, sooner or later, Morgana was going to move in and have legacy babies. Oops, spoiler alert. 😀
And that’s all for now. You can expect more tomorrow, or the next day if we’re being more realistic. Until then, wish me luck for three straight days of a crappier job than Christopher’s. 😦 And Happy Simming! 😀