1.6 Identitee Crysus
Aaaaaand we’re back again. Last time, Tewl acquired a new bro who is a girl, cheated on the woman he was cheating with, and sent Christopher’s girlfriend into labour by making out with her. Confused yet? So am I. God, I hate my founder. Still, let us dive back into the chaos…
After Cesar’s birth, Tewl accompanies Tamara back to her place to be the supportive male figure she no doubt needs in this vulnerable time.
Tewl: How’s dat feel, babe?
Tamara: Not bad, actually. Thank god I don’t have to deal with Christopher’s “massage” at a time like this.
Tewl: Yeah man, Christopher sucks.
Christopher does suck a little bit right now. Perhaps living with Tewl has rubbed off on him—he’s had no trouble hitting it off with Tuesday, a random acquaintance I dug out of his relationship panel for kicks. Having set the whole thing up, I have no right to talk, but I expected a little more resistance. For Pete’s sake, Christopher, your son was just born!
Christopher: My, your eyes are just as blue as the ocean.
Tuesday: And your cheekbones as just as high as a… a… a G6.
Christopher: Where have you been all my life?
Meanwhile, Tewl is failing so hard at life and love that he’s conjured up an imaginary girlfriend.
Tewl: STFU! You didn’t let Tamara render!
Shhhh, keep your voice down! We wouldn’t want to upset the newborn…
Tewl: See dat one dere? Dat’s our star. Which stands for “stfu bitches, Tewl is in a relashunship.”
Tamara: Wow, you’re so romantic! And so good at spelling!
Tewl: Know what else I can spell? “Break up wif Chris an’ kiss me, gurl.” Or BRICK for short.
Tamara: Of course I’ll break up with the father of my hours-old infant! Christopher is a loser anyway.
Tewl: I know, right?
This is it. The apocalypse is here. Tewl Langurd has met the Stride of Pride. The world cannot handle. *gets on a spaceship never to return*
Tewl: Dat’s right, da Flame is smokin’ hot!
Actually, I’m pretty sure that’s B.O.
Tewl: Lalalalalala, can’t hear you over da sizzle!
The Flame sizzles on downstairs in an optimistic attempt to score a hat trick, but Blair
Waldorf Wainwright isn’t having it.
Tewl: Wanna get some nachos?
Blair: Did someone shove nachos up your butt three days ago? ‘Cause that’s what you smell like.
And so he sizzled his way out the door and retired for the night.
Hat trick becomes strike-out, leaving Tewl to
run home with his tail between his legs saunter home all annoyingly thanks to Stride of Pride. When the sun rises, it’s time to face the music—though Chris courteously lets Tewl finish his dream about serviettes before launching his attack.
Chris: How could you do this? You are such a loser!
Really? That’s all you’ve got?
Chris: You’ve been using me since day one and I’m not going to take it anymore!
You tell him, Chris!
Tewl: Bitch, aren’t you supposed to be on my side?
As a matter of fact, I’ve had enough of your disrespect and am ready to declare for Team Christopher. WE ARE HEREBY STAGING A TEWL BOYCOTT UNTIL YOU PULL YOUR ACT TOGETHER.
Tewl: Aw, crap.
Chris: Joke’s on you anyway, picking up my llama-faced leftovers.
Tewl: She’s not— I’m not— Your face is a— FUCK YOU!
Imho, the best incentive for staying in school is to build up arsenal of scathing comebacks.
Tewl: Can’t we just forget all dis and get some ice cream for old bros’ sake?
Chris: Sorry, can’t hear you over the sound of your mom walking down the street.
Who are you and what have you done with Christopher?
Tewl: Tell ya what, ex-bro. I might be a bad guy but at least I can admit it! Where was you when your son got borned, eh?
Chris: How dare you accuse me of such things!
Tewl: Da fuck? I ain’t accused you of anything yet!
Chris: *sob* I just… I just love you so much, man!
Chris: Jk, prepare to die.
And it’s the fight of the century! The Flame is down, ladies and gentlemen! Makeshift profanities flying everywhere! The Flame rises from the ashes, and it’s—oh my word, folks, I’ve never seen—but it is, it really is—it’s Chriszilla with the Tsunami Knockout! That’s gotta do it right there.
[Completely unnecessary screenshot because, well, DUH.]
Chris: Bros over hoes, man! Remember that if you ever find a new best friend! *spits on the ground*
Tewl: Now dat I had my ass handed to me, I’m ready to grovel. Forgive me plz?
Chris: Wow, Tewl. You know, that’s actually t…
Chris: TOTAL BULLSHIT! RAAAAHHHHRRRRR!
Tewl: Wow, chill man. You need a cucumber mask or some girl shit.
Chris: NO! I’m going to hang out with my fish friends instead!
Tewl: Whatever, yo. I got stuff to do.
…Are you crying behind those glasses?
Tewl: *sniff* Da Flame doesn’t c-c-cry, yo.
Tewl was feeling pretty guilty after the fight with Christopher I really hated seeing these bros angry at each other, so Tewl headed right over to Tamara’s place to work on setting things straight. Tamara wasn’t home, but he found Cesar, the baby, sitting all neglected exactly where Tamara had deposited him the day before.
Tewl: Dat Chris’s kid?
The kid whose life you probably just ruined? Yep.
What, are you gonna cry again?
Tewl: NO. 😦
Tewl decided to wait around for the rest of the day because we all know that getting a hold of Tamara is damn well impossible. I don’t know if it was fate, or karma, or maybe just that she lives there, but while Tewl was contemplating his terrible life choices, Victoria Andrews (Broken Heart #2) suddenly appeared across the lawn.
Taking it as a sign because I told him to, Tewl headed over to tie up some loose ends.
Tewl: Heya, Virginia.
Victoria: Victoria. Victoria Squeakums, actually.
Tewl: Whatever. Look, I just… ARGH. How do I even say dis? I guess I’m just… I’m sorry things ended so badly between us but I just have this problem with… with committing to shit and I didn’t want us to end up married or nothin’, okay? ‘Cause dat woulda just been the end of me.
Victoria: Thanks, Tewl. I kind of figured you were a bit messed up. But I’m happily married to my chipmunk sweetheart now, so it really doesn’t matter anymore!
Then he spammed her with social interactions until their bar reached the friendship level again, because Tewl really needs more friends.
Tewl: And den I like, stole my bro’s girlfriend. LOL!
And when I say that about Tewl needing friends, I really mean it. Seriously, look at all the people who hate him:
And that’s only as many as I could fit across the screen. I’m sure I don’t even know who half these people are, but I guess this is the kind of rep we expected of him from Day One.
Victoria went off to work, but Tewl still had some time to kill. So of course Morgana randomly dropped by. I don’t know what it is with this woman. Either she belongs in a different legacy or the game really, really wants me to put her in this one. Well, you all know my feelings on that, but only time will tell.
Tewl: Hey bro, got a sec? I’m havin’ like a total revulashun of my morals and all dat crap and I could really use a friend. 😦
(Well, I guess I forgot to mention that Tewl does have one friend. He and Morgana are best friends, in fact, which I suppose is what happens when you keep “coincidentally” running into a person every time you leave the house.)
Morgana: Well, Tewl, I hate to say it… but you know why they call you the Flame, right? It’s because you’re eventually going to burn out. Sooner or later people are going to catch on to your antics and everyone will turn against you.
Tewl: Whoooaaaaa… Dat’s deep, bro. :O
To show his appreciation for her help with his moral “revulashun,” Tewl gave Morgana Living with Mutation, the book from work that was so important to him for some reason.
Tewl: I hope it helps you in da same way you helped me, yo.
Morgana: Oh my gosh, Tewl, really? Thank you! You are so thoughtful!
And then they broached what is apparently the only topic people are allowed to discuss in this town.
Tewl: Hey, so wouldn’t it be hilarious after all this if you and me, like, got married?
Old guy: Tewl’s got a great ass.
Morgana: It wouldn’t be all that funny. I’m kind of in love with you, Tewl—just a heads up.
And then I hovered my mouse over the Roomies household and got a notification saying that Tamara was at the park (which made me want to punch her, because Tewl had just waited all day at her house under the impression that she was AT WORK or something IMPORTANT LIKE THAT), so Tewl took off running to do what needed to be done.
Tewl: Nananananana, I’m on a mission, yo!
Yes, all of mankind is depending on you. You’d better not screw this up.
We found Tamara in the public bathroom being a total bitch to Emma, her roommate.
Tamara: God, Emma! For the last time, I am straight and I don’t want anything to do with your pervy ways!
Emma: I had to pee and she left the door open…
So Tewl decided to make things a thousand times more awkward by bursting in and crowding up the situation even more.
Tewl: Hay gurls, hope I’m not interruptin’ da partay.
Tamara: Bricks are so fascinating.
Emma: I still have to pee, goddammit. 😦
Finally he had Tamara cornered, after chasing her out of the bathroom and halfway across the park.
Tewl: So like, dere’s something I gotta talk to you ab—
Tamara: Wait, don’t say it! You’re going to propose, right? Oh, I knew it, I knew it!
Tewl: NO! We’re over, bitch. You messed with my brohood and I ain’t never gonna forgive you for that!
Tamara: But… weren’t you the one who asked me to break up with Christopher?
Tewl: How dare you accuse me of such pur-posterious things?
Creepy Ginger: LOL. Sucks to be her.
Tewl: Oh, and… and you have a llama— llama fetish. Yeah. I don’t know what that is, but you have it!
Oh, that’s original.
Because he’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we’ll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he’s not our hero. He’s a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A dark kn—
Tewl: Shut it.
The next morning, Tewl figured he’d given Christopher a decent amount of time to cool off, so started on the whole apology thing.
Tewl: Look, Chris, I feel really damn awful about what happened—but I dumped Tamara, so you can have her back now.
Chris: Dammit, Tewl. You really don’t get it, do you?
Tewl: I DON’T GET NOTHIN’. D:
Well ain’t that the truth.
Later on, Chris had a stay-at-home date with his new romantic interest, Tuesday Sears. I have no clue where she came from, but she’s really pretty and I think she and Christopher would be great together. Not that you can really see any of that from here, lol. The focus of this picture—the focus of this whole chapter, in fact—is Tewl’s distress. Because we all love and care for Tewl so much.
Tewl: AAAARRRGGGHH! Why won’t Chris forgive me? I apologized and everythin’! And now I’m gonna miss all da important moments in his life ‘cause we ain’t bros no more!
Whoa. Why so sentimental? Are you having a change of heart there?
Tewl: No. ‘Course not. You just shut up, ‘kay?
Still a little disheartened from Tamara’s betrayal, Chris moved in for the kill a bit early with Tuesday.
Tuesday: Sorry, I’m just not ready. I think one more round of Flirt –> Embrace –> Massage ought to do it.
Chris: Sorry, I guess I miscalculated.
And so, not twenty Sim minutes later, Christopher healed his heart by locking lips with his mystery dream girl. Dawwwww. Well, that’s it! Mission accomplished. Legacy over.
Oh, crap, I guess we still have Tewl to deal with. -.-
But first, to make things official. Naturally, he changed into the appropriate garb before asking the big question (a.k.a. he was about to get in the car and go to work but I angrily X-ed out the action :D).
Christopher: Tuesday Sears, will you be my girlfriend?
Tuesday: Most definitely! You can go ahead and glue my hand to your side now.
Christopher: Umm, Tuesday? That’s, uh, not how relationships work.
Tuesday: It’s not? Well, I feel a right fool.
Somebody had better have a word with her ex-boyfriend(s)… about a prison sentence, probably.
When he absolutely couldn’t keep Mr. Balding Carpool Guy waiting any longer, Chris headed off to work, proving that he is a total moron by leaving his girlfriend of two minutes alone with Tewl.
But Tewl wasn’t in the mood, so he just sent Tuesday home—if she has one, that is.
Tuesday: Why, of course I have a home. I reside precisely between Monday and Wednesday.
Hardy har. Get yo broke ass out of here, lady.
Tewl decided there must be something wrong with him if he didn’t want to hit on a perfectly attractive woman who’d been left alone on his property, so he called up the only girl in his relationship panel who didn’t completely detest him.
Tewl: Howdy, Claire. Maire? Ah, Blair, that’s the one. Yeah, so I was wonderin’, ya wanna hit up da Brightmore tonight?
Blair: That depends. Are you still wearing those ridiculous flame boxers?
Dorothy: OMG, Tewl’s elbow! This will make the front page for sure!
Tewl wasn’t going to let Blair’s rejection stop him, so he called on his ever-loyal lady bro to accompany him instead.
Alvi Guy: Hey, you totally look like that guy, what’s-his-name.
Tewl: I think you’s mistaken, bro. I’m Tewl Langurd.
Alvi: Oh. I hate that guy.
Elevator: Excuse me, please. Why do I appear to be outside?
Oh, I don’t know. Why are my inanimate objects such BLABBERMOUTHS?
Downstairs, Tewl and Morgana hit up the dance floor in the non-VIP section because I didn’t feel like shelling out a hundred simoleons to compensate for Tewl being a loser.
Morgana (whispers): What are we doing down here?
Tewl (whispers): I dunno. Should we get up?
Tewl thought he’d fare better at drinking than dancing (and he’s probably right there) so he ordered a round at the bar. Morgana conveniently avoided the disastrous scene.
Mixologist: And-a-whoop!—Oh drat, now it looks like I peed myself.
Errant plumbob: Look who’s talking.
Mixologist: And there you go, faithful customer! Do I get a hug for that?
Tewl: Three drinks for dat price? I think you forgot to replace the one you annihilated, yo. Dey should fire yo fat ass.
Tewl, I thought we were turning over a new leaf this chapter.
Tewl: Oh, fine den. Err, thanks but I’m allergic to hugs, actually.
Tewl gave Morgana the first drink to taste, you know, just in case the Mixologist had drugged them in hopes of having a one night stand with her only customer.
Morgana: Whoa, check this! This drink is defying gravity!
Has something changed within it? Is something not the same? Is it through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game?
Morgana: Uh, no. You’re weird.
Shame, you would make the perfect Elphaba—if we died you green, that is.
Morgana: Please don’t.
Well, I’m pretty sure the drinks were clear because Morgana promptly migrated to the other end of the bar. Tewl took this opportunity to chow down on the nachos he had so been craving.
Tewl: These don’t taste like B.O…. silly Claire.
Since Morgana was being a total nincompoop at the bar, Tewl dragged her back out onto the floor (no, not like that) and they danced some more under the unnaturally red light. The hearts and the iconic “flame” were there by coincidence, of course.
And then they stopped dancing… and stood there staring stupidly at each other.
And just like that, Tewl’s bromance turned into a romance. I FREAKIN’ TOLD YOU SO.
Well, that chapter was all a bit too serious for my liking. Here is a picture of Tewl with a glitch amputation to make up for it:
I’m back to the gameplay now, so the next update might not be as quick. But in the meantime, comments would be lovely. 🙂
FYI: I have returned to the Boolprop forums under my boring old username, Sam, so I hope to run into some of you over there!