2.6 Lancelot the Brave

This is coming to you from a retirement village where I am currently hijacking the wi-fi of an unsuspecting elderly couple. Never have I been so proud of myself.

Before I start this update, I thought I’d share some of my adventures in the Land of Distraction. For starters, I had promised myself that I could start building the new legacy house after Chapter Five. The current one, with its artsy glass corridors and towers, was having a lot of routing problems and anyway, it’s just ugly. So I told myself: “Let’s make a nice, simple family home that won’t lag my game or generate foot-tapping vortexes to entrap my sims forever.” With that in mind, I opened up 15 Summer Hill Court in another save file…

…and built a house so elaborate and expensive that it blew the Langurd budget by more than $100,000.

I have a problem.

Anyway, I don’t want to unveil it just yet (too much awesomeness for one chapter, I fear) but I did let my simself take an abbreviated tour, so here are some snippets of that:

Far Inferior Version of Myself: THERE’S A CANNON. WHY IS THERE A CANNON?

In case Gurbin comes back, obviously. But never mind that! Step inside the newest Casa de Langurd, featuring…

Shed with rock.

(Impressed yet?)

These sexy entryways.

(Hell yes, that’s a red carpet.)

The most eco-friendly laundry room you will ever see.

(Is that a wooden lid on the detergent bottle? Maybe.)

A room filled with fire.

(I actually can’t contain myself.)

A pool with Poseidon for a lifeguard.

(Ain’t no kids gonna drown today, no siree.)

And my personal favourite…

The Human Aquarium, kindly demonstrated by my simself.

Sim Sam: I feel strangely violated.

Oh, and I also started making a world. But more on that later (if it turns out any good).

For now, let’s join Razor in the deepest, darkest vaults of hell. I mean Sunset Valley. I was briefly disenchanted with the martial arts skill due to its lack of, er, revenue, but that was before valuable gemstones started exploding from Razor’s fingertips. No more running all over town for this bunch! Razor, I freaking love you.

Razor: Fine, but will you get out of Buy Mode? I’d hate to think you were trying to sell these beauties so soon.

Don’t be stupid! That’s just an incredibly ill-chosen floor pattern. And we have to get them cut first. 😀

Zooming up to the ground floor, we find Grey Wind setting a wonderful example for the children.

Jergens the IF: And that, kid, is why you don’t do drugs.

Treasure this moment because it’s not often we get an open-mouthed smile out of Razor. Most likely because the expression looks stupid on him.

Razor: Maybe when I’m middle-aged, I will cease to be a mere sexual object for you and your readers.

I doubt it.

And his face fucking collapsed on itself again.

Razor: Ha. Who has a creepy pixel-crush on me now?

Dammit Razor, way to kill my only hook for this blog. D:

That’s better. It was a lot harder to fix this time, and I could only do it for his regular outfits. Sadly, he will forever be Flakyface-Sensei whilst in martial arts gear. This guy really knows my weak spots. 😦

The next morning, our continuing ghost problem reached new levels.

Ara: Mother, can’t you see you’re frightening the children?

And I discovered why this family has no friends.

Grey Wind: You dare bring bills to this household? For that you will die, envoy!

Mailman: *whimper*

I don’t blame him though. What can he do with all these idiots encouraging him?

Ara: Well done, my noble wolf. The next time that fool fails to heed the “No Bills Ever” reward, you may rip out his entrails.

Grey Wind: Maybe we could just play with a ball instead?

Ghost Tuesday: I have a feeling there is something amiss here…

No shit, Sherlock. It’s past noon; stop eating our food and get back in your tombstone!

Outside, the lawn gang was movin’ on up in more ways than one. Penelop’s teen years brought him angst a-la Order of the Phoenix. Torik, the new freezer bunny on his llama steed, did nothing to cheer him up.

Back inside, we also had a birthday happening.

Katana: Mommy, what is that ugly turd doing on the floor?

Ara: That is how we celebrate birthdays around here. Happy Birthday, Tomahawk. Now I am off to make a sandwich.

Katana: Ugh, it’s even uglier than before.

NO IT ISN’T.

Sweet Jesus, look at that face. It’s basically all Mommy but it is golden on a little boy. Too bad he has boring recycled colouring.

Katana: Hey Tommy, maybe the crib ghoul will eat you so I don’t have to! He really likes baby flesh and stupid hats!

Tommy: Eep!

Ara: Oh, children. Aren’t they just the cutest?

Tommy: You living in some kinda dreamworld, Momma. That thing is the devil.

And Katana went on contentedly playing with a friend so imaginary that even she can’t see it.

In today’s episode of Glitchville, $36,000 was randomly added to the family savings. What was that about my game wanting me to cheat? I don’t want your free money, EA! I’m not a part of your system! I threw it on the ground.

Actually, we tried to donate it all to the Squid Society but they only wanted $1,000 a day. Ungrateful bastards.

So what did we do? Took a leaf out of my real-life book and spent every cent of it. Don’t worry — it’s only here until we pawn it off on some unsuspecting visitor.

Ara: Adweorijgepoijoijvds!

What? I can’t hear you, you’re all muffled.

Ara: To hell with your avant-garde photography! I’m having a baby here!

Oh. And it’s actually bothering you this time?

Evidently not.

We always seem to be trading gnome lives for real ones around here; I found this right after Ara left the lot. Poor George. I suppose he expects us to name the new baby after him, but that would be silly because George is a boy’s name…

…and Ara just had another girl! So instead, everyone meet Lance Langurd.

Ara: But… but that is a boy’s name!

Oh yeah, I guess it is. But we’re making an exception, because I had to have a kid named Lance in the warrior/weapon generation and I don’t want anymore babies. So deal with it.

Ara: You are a cruel woman.

Says the one who’s out to murder the mailman.

Baby Lance is already a raging contradiction like her father — she was born with the Grumpy and Friendly traits. She’s a classy girl who enjoys French music and all things pink and likes to indulge in a big ol’ chunky pot of Stu Surprise. (Read that last part in a man voice, please.) I left the rest of her details in my book at home, but it’s not like anyone cares. She was probably born on a Tuesday, since important things always happen on Tuesdays around here.

With Lance safe (from Katana) in her crib, Ara headed to the rendez-vous spot to take care of some business.

Zachery: Oh, thank you! What is it?

Arabella: Four flat screens and a stereo.

Zachery: So I read your latest book –– the one about poo? You’re really talented, Ara.

Ara: Oh, shut it. Now what was the other thing I came here to do?

Ara: Oh, now I remember. We are done, Zachery! I am breaking up with you.

Zachery: Um, it’s been like four years since I last saw you. I kind of got the picture.

By the way, if you’re ever unsure as to how Arabella’s voice should sound in your head, go watch a snippet of this.

Jesus, the Birthday Fairies are really making their rounds. I forgot there were so many in this chapter.

Grey Wind: Arooooo! Who’s afraid of the big, bad, arthritic wolf?

Not I.

Ara: Go on, Lance. Play with your brother and sister.

More useless renovations on a house that is soooo getting bulldozed after this generation.

In case you were wondering, it’s a princess tower for Arabella. Because she definitely needs more fuel for her royalty complex.

The fairies got Arabella, too. We were all so excited.

Razor: Sorry, darling. I can only spare one smile per chapter.

Arabella: Wait! I am not ready for this! I wished to have at least four realms of Sunset Valley in my domain before adulthood, and how am I supposed to rule if I am all old and—

Arabella: I dare say, I am still rather fetching!

Razor: Dat ass.

Look who’s smiling (and acting like his father) now. On a random note, I don’t know how the fuck he got hair on his arms. One of his ploys to get uglier? I think so.

This is Buzby, our newest bird. He’s cool. He also could probably escape if he wanted to.

Elderly Grey Wind won the training race from last chapter. In fact, he knew all his tricks by this point, so Razor started refining his hunting skills. Probably a bad idea.

Razor: Go find me a precious gemstone or don’t bother coming back. Is that clear?

Grey Wind: Yes, master! Right away, master!

He found a leaf. Razor took pity on his senility and let him back in.

Speaking of bad ideas, finally giving this kid her walking legs may have been the worst one ever.

Katana: First walking, then climbing — Tommy won’t know what hit him.

And it gets worse — like in The Little Mermaid, when Ursula inflates to kraken size. As if the thing needed to get any bigger in the first place.

Katana: Poor unfortunate souls…

Indeed. She immediately rolled the want to practise battle strategies chess. And who am I to deny a face like that?

Katana: I hate everything.

She really does. She’s already a Grumpy Outdoors Hater and she just rolled “Can’t Stand Art.”

And to carry on that trend, she hadn’t even been to her first day yet when this appeared in her panel. Looks like I finally have the rebellious sim I always wanted. >:)

But I’m not sure whether she gets her dark streak from this one…

Torik: Hey guys, look who came out of his hole in the ground. It’s the wannabe karate kid!

Razor: Cretins. I should never have dragged your founding father out of the catacombs.

Or this one.

Ara: Ha! Goddess of beauty? That stone wench has got nothing on me!

Gloria: Bitch, wait ‘til I knock one of these candles over and burn down your tower.

Ara: Enjoy melting!

I think she took pretty quickly to her new quarters. (I just hope those blades stay on the wall.)

She seemed to enjoy her new writing station too, at least until she was interrupted at work.

Ara: No, no, and a thousand times no. Your proposition is absolutely ludicrous. You are a sad, strange little man.

Huh?

Oh.

Whatever the case may be, Katana seems to have inherited the worst from each of her parents.

Katana: Stop eating the furniture. I told you to savage my brother in his crib.

Grey Wind: Apologies, sir. My eyesight is not what it used to be, sir.

Alas, the lone survivor of the Birthday Apocalypse has been taken. We approach this moment with a mixture of excitement and dread, praying away the black hair demons with all our might.

Here’s the moment of truth.

BLESS YOU CHILD AND YOUR BEAUTIFUL RECESSIVE GENES.

See that? Well, maybe you can’t just now because the lighting is pretty shoddy. But if you look closely, that’s Christopher’s hair. AND his eyes. I couldn’t be happier except that she appears to have Tewl/Razor’s nose, which is probably gonna be fugly on a girl. But whatever.

All that and already President of the Block Society? Oh Lancey, you make me proud. ❤ And Tomahawk, dat face. Razor, I must congratulate you on a job well done.

Razor: I’m good for something now, am I?

Shhh, don’t move. Your jaw line is impeccable. 😉

This is what I get when I separate these two. Ugh. Fine, Razor, I guess you can share the princess tower.

If you aren’t sickened enough, take note of the giant diamond he finally gave her as promised.

Also witness the birth of Gerp, our first canine gnome! Looks like he’s hopelessly devoted, too. *eye roll*

With Mom and Dad off starring in a soap opera, the toddlers got in some quality time with Nanny and Pops.

Christopher: The kid is crying. Should we do something?

Tuesday: Arabella told me not to.

Great, Tuesday. REAL MATURE.

I should mention that Katana’s early childhood wasn’t completely demented. One of the first wishes she rolled was to “Check the Baking Report,” so I thought she might direct her energy into a little rage baking and start a home business. She impressed me by whipping up a few good batches of vanilla muffins on her first try.

Of course, Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dunce over here were eating them as fast as she could make them.

Katana: Two empty spaces? What is this madness?

Katana: Excuse me. What are you doing.

Ara: Hello, sweetheart. You are running out of muffins, just so you are aware.

Katana: *guttural noise*

And so a dastardly plot was born. At least I think so, judging from her face.

Katana: Pick your poison, sir.

Randy: You mean that figuratively, right?

Katana: No.

And how do you punish children for criminal activity? With kittens, of course! This is Lionheart, named from a book on my shelf that I’ve never read more than two pages of. It’s called “Warriors” and all the characters are cats. I think he’ll fit right in.

Lionheart: Oh yeah, I’m king of the realm alright. Watch me conduct myself with poise and grace.

Cute as he is, adopting him was just a step toward Ara’s (so far neglected) LTW. Apparently you need to be friends with animals or something before you can adopt a unicorn? I’m such a noob.

Anyway, this led me to think of a super-creative use for the lower storey of the tower. It’s official, guys: the Langurd animals are living a classier life than I am.

Leaving you with this screenshot because it cracks me up.

Grey Wind and Lionheart: Your highness, we are yours to command.
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That’s all, folks! Stay tuned for more baking fiascos, sibling rivalry, and a special appearance by some familiar idiots.

Happy Simming!

-Sam

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