2.10 There Can Be Only One

Great news! Finals are over and I’m pretty sure I didn’t fail them. In fact, I may have even maintained my straight-A reputation, but that remains to be seen and I don’t want to jinx anything so I’m going to stop talking about grades now and transfer my enthusiasm to whatever the fuck is happening in the screenshot below… a.k.a. motherly affection from Arabella??? Jesus, this is Tewl’s monogamous streak all over again.

Katana: Um, why are you touching me?

Arabella: I heard you were upset about being grounded. So, pip pip cheerio and all that.

Katana: I don’t think that means what you think it does.

Indeed, Katana spent the vast majority of her teenage years under house arrest. Yes, I am somewhat to blame for that, but when a Sim looks and acts like Satan incarnated there’s only so much you can do.

Lance: Why do I feel like jetstreamed hellfire is boring into the back of my head?

Tommy: Stay calm, Lance. If we don’t move, maybe she won’t hurt us.

Once she’d had her fun with those two, she hopped off the school bus and drove home on her father’s motorcycle. Which she has apparently begun carrying in her back pocket?

Katana: Dark magic.

I see.

Sadly, “dark magic” can’t get you out of every situation in life.

Arabella: I have decided this “affection” thing is for peons. Go to your chambers at once.

Katana: *grumble* I’ll show you chambers.

Meanwhile, Snotface Lance took this opportunity to get into Ara’s good books. Pun intended.

Lance: Just gonna sit over here and read this book, ‘cause I’m all scholarly and stuff. Love me please?

Lance: I mean, if you need more convincing, I got on the Honor Roll today and fixed the school’s boiler. With all that mechanical expertise I don’t have. So really, don’t you think I should be your favourite daughter?

Arabella: Well, yes, you do make a convincing case.

We couldn’t have Lance get her way so easily, so I sent her against her will on a dual mission with Katana. A very risky mission. If they go down, they go down together is the way I see it. Muahaha.

So much for that—Lance chickened out like a big fat wimp.

Lance: I like safety. Katana can go burn in prison for all I care.

DeLorean the Hippy Gnome: Don’t be deterred, gentle woodland creatures! We are a house of selfless, compassionate folk, I swear it!

Yeah, let’s not scare off that unicorn.

Unfortunately for Lance, the mission she bailed on was to scope out husband material. (A little early? Nahhh.)

Unfortunately for Katana, “husband material” was still recovering from his childhood deformities and now looked like a Botox addict.

Yeah…

And on top of that, she got arrested.

But, being Katana, she worked around it.

Katana: Beautiful night, isn’t it?

Officer Puddingface: Why, yes. Yes, it is.

Officer: Wait a second… Something ain’t right here.

Katana: So long, sucker!

Arabella: Are you quite serious? You cannot just drive off in a police car!

Katana: But she made it so easy!

Larka: Gettin’ real tired of yo’ shit, Katana.

Larka is legit the dumbest dog I’ve ever adopted. I have half a mind to ship her off somewhere, but Ara still needs to befriend another animal. Case in point:

Larka: I see you’re workin’ your butt off to make things up to the parentals. It would suck if you, like, set the house on fire.

Katana: Gee, thanks Gurbin. I’ll keep that in mind.

Larka: Man, outside is far away. I’mma just take a dump here.

Lance: Noooo, who fixed the TV? I thought if I broke it, we’d just get rid of it.

Katana: That was you, twerp? I figured it was Larka. Fucking Larka…

Tommy: Hey guys! How about I capture this family moment with my new cam— what happened to the couch?

Katana & Lance: FUCKING LARKA.

And finally…

Lance: How am I supposed to mourn Buzby when Buttflower is in the way?

Larka: Right, it’s me who’s stopping you from being sad.

Okay, so I’ll admit dumbness is kind of a family trait.

Slight diversion because I was irrationally excited about the new (now old) patch and the whole swimming-at-the-beach thing it came with. Also I love how water looks on my computer, and I still think Arabella is a foxy mama.

Unlike this, which happens to be Keg’s new wife. Let’s all take a second to giggle immaturely cackle like hyenas because dang, Keg, you really took a nosedive after Cleopatra.

Dat water though… It’s this kind of scenery that gives me delusions of being a photographer.

I can dream, okay?

Tommy: Such amateur. Very garbage. Wow.

Well looky here—Lance finally got bored of her tech-free desk. I would probably go loopy too after many hours of window-staring, pen-twiddling, and—God forbid—homework.

Lance: Is this what Katana’s black magic feels like?

Quite possibly. Despite a momentary glitch where her jaw jutted out to inhuman lengths, Lance avoided the ugly pandemic and became an exact replica of her father, with a new Handy trait to boot.

She also (in my opinion) bears an uncanny resemblance to Lysa Arryn from Game of Thrones, a.k.a. the worst mother in fictional history. Points off for heirship?

Lance: Don’t you compare me to that sourpuss. It’s not like I have plans to turn this house into an impenetrable mountain-top fortress, where I can breastfeed my only son until he’s on the brink of adulthood.

Stahp, you’re making it worse.

Grey Wind remains a senile old fart and Katana’s only friend.

Grey Wind: Would you kindly direct me to my bed? I’m sleepy.

Katana: Sleep? Sleep is for the weak. What do you say we go trample Dad’s flowerbeds again?

Grey Wind: If it please you, Master.

Tomahawk continued his workout regime, but mostly just complained to his potential prom date about how hard it was.

Tommy: I’m sooooo sore. I’ve been pumping iron for at least, like, three minutes.

Also, it looks like he replaced my photographs with something more tasteful. I see how it is.

Lance continued her hobby of singing-without-actually-singing.

Lance: *duckface at the ceiling*

On the bright side, she finally got to mourn the long-dead Buzby.

Lance: Take that Larka, I get to cry now! *angry sob* Who was Buzby again?

And Katana maintained her position as Household Troll.

Katana: Is this the exterminator? Yes, I have this hideous piece of art on my lawn that I need removed. Well, I’m not sure I’d call it art exactly…

DeLorean: Hey now, I’m just doin’ my job here!

Tommy: Don’t worry, she’s kidding… I think.

However, she was always doing little deeds to make me question her black-heartedness.

Katana: Sure, it’s not like I put thumb tacks in these or anything.

But even while eating the fruits of Katana’s labour, Ara was being constantly cajoled by Lance the suck-up.

Lance: So I was thinking we should get a swimming pool, if that’s okay with you. As your favourite child, I figure I have the authority to make these decisions.

Ara: Having children was a mistake.

Soon enough, prom was approaching and the matchmakers were thriving on the business of desperate teens. All they could turn up for Lance was Starr Ansaari-Landgraab, whom Tommy was already buttering up in this very screenshot. These are hard times for Langurds. They’ve had to put up with a lot of crap from this town lately.

Like deadbeat chauffeurs.

Lance: If your driving’s so dangerous, why don’t I get a helmet too?

But really, the problem remains that they are related to EVERYONE on any community lot at any given time.

Julie: Hello? Is there anybody out there who doesn’t have the same grandfather as me?

Rafael: Y’all are outta luck. We gotta resign ourselves to spinsterhood or inbreeding.

Julie: …Are you offering?

Too bad for Rafael ‘cause we pounced on that first! Jk, we just changed our plans is all. Instead of finding some hunk to wear on her arm, Lance went all independent-like and set about winning votes for prom queen.

Lance: Derrr, so you should like, vote for me ‘cause I’m your cousin and nepotism makes the world go round!

Julie: For that face alone, I might do.

Pair it with this speech bubble and we’ve got ourselves a winner:

Speaking of faces, check this one. Yes, that is the face of the only eligible bachelorette in Sunset Valley. The end, legacy over, goodbye.

Tommy: Hey, you don’t look anything like those selfies you sent me.

Starr: Deal wif it, chump.

Tommy: Maybe if I close my eyes, you’ll magically turn into Emma Watson!

Starr: Still here, fuckwit.

Marjorie: It’s nice to see a couple of young’uns having fun.

But they really weren’t.

Starr: I could just throttle the living daylight out of pretty boys like you.

Tommy: Do you want to go to prom with me or not?

Starr: I guess so, but—

Tommy: Good. It’s done. But you’re gonna find your own way there and you’d best keep your hands off my prettyboy tush, you hear me?

Now that we’ve reached an agreement that satisfies no one, let’s get to the fun part…

…Where Katana concocts a dastardly plan to usurp the prom queen throne!

Katana: Five seconds to prepare? I’ll just get ready right here on the lawn because I can.

We know there’s black magic involved because her freaking LEG is BACKWARDS. Holly hell, somebody get the exorcist.

Meanwhile, Lance spent so long making friends (unsuccessfully) that she barely made the limo. She got home on the bike in the nick of time.

Lance: Great. Now I have leaves in my hair and bugs in my teeth and I don’t even have time to get ready.

That’s okay, we already know you’re the classiest lady around. Especially spread-eagling that motorcycle like a champ.

Neither of the girls secured Weston as a date, but we invited him over to get his face fixed. It’s still hard to gauge his real looks though. How about a straight face for just one second?

Weston: No. My life is a lie because of you.

Katana was all set to ruin Lance’s night, until Daddy Razor showed up and reminded her that she was grounded.

Katana: If you’re gonna be a dick, at least stay in the screenshot so the readers can judge you.

Razor: No. I am boycotting this chapter until I get a real story arc.

Fair enough.

The gang had to leave without her, meaning she was exempt from the traditional awkward limo ride.

Tommy: Hey sis, you’ve got a bit of something in your hai—

Lance: Zip it.

Lance showed up a fashionable thirty minutes late, resplendent in my favourite piece of CC ever. Too bad her manly face clashes with it LOLOLOL

Lance: You are dirt to me.

Weston and Tomahawk trailed a few metres behind in their suspiciously match-worthy outfits.

Tommy: Get away, you tool, it looks like we’re dating!

Weston: What, like that would embarrass you?

But wait! You thought Katana’s night ended there? Think again! There are ways of, erm, “bending the rules” when you have an overlord on your side.

Ara: Why am I running. Where am I going. I did not initiate this activity!

Indeed, I forced Razor and Ara to go to some party they’d been invited to, a) because they were a roadblock and b) because of the current pitiable state of their social lives.

Ara: I shall try to converse with you, but I would rather be alone in my tower with a slab of week-old birthday cake.

Star: So this is how I would’ve turned out if I’d stuck around. Thanks Ara, I suddenly feel way better about my life!

Oh look, it’s Razor’s first appearance this chapter!

Razor: DIAGON ALLEY.

He never disappoints.

Arabella: You are acting very strangely tonight, husband. What has gotten into you?

Razor: I’m trying to liven up this pack of dullards. Watch and learn.

Razor: Let us tango, sister.

Star: Get your hand off my kidney.

Razor: Drink this. It’ll help you loosen up a bit.

Star: Are you calling me uptight?

Razor: I am shocked at your accusation.

Razor: Here you are, host man whose name I have forgotten.

Host Man: What did you put in this?

Razor: Why does everyone distrust me?

Harri: Home run! Home ruuuuuun!!!

With those two sufficiently distracted, Katana tiptoed her sneaky little way to the school.

As it turns out, creeping along like a demented T-rex is not the most efficient means of travel. Katana was legitimately two seconds from the door when this popped up:

How’s that for a slap in the face?

However, she still got to experience a substantial chunk (like a quarter) of her prom night. And so I present The Langurd Prom Escapades, Second Edition!

Let’s start with Tomahawk. After beating down rumours that he and Weston were coming out of the closet, he met up with his real date. By the end of the night, I think it’s safe to say he regretted that decision.

Yes, because his date sabotaged it by wearing a labcoat. Goddammit, Starr!

That’s not a repeated picture. It really happened twice.

And she sneered triumphantly while Tomahawk gagged and every girl in the room re-evaluated her opinion of him.

To which we promptly responded:

On the bright side, his classmates cringed with so much pity for him that they made him king!

I have never liked that saying. Last time I checked, it wasn’t spelled “affort.”

Besides being prom queen, Lance also got two prom pictures in exactly the same position. What’s the point of a retake if you’re still going to pick the dumbest pose ever?

At least the backdrop changed, but that’s only because…

Oh Lance, you make me proud.

Desperately chasing some guy through the wall is totally fine, but that innocent kid on the dance floor? Unacceptable.

Well Lance, I think you’re officially the joke.

Yep.

As for Katana, she took a leaf out of her daddy’s book and parodied her sister’s dorky pose.

Katana: Look at me, I’m Princess Lancelot and I look like a man!

 

No, that’s just the suffocating sensation of being in a gymnasium of sexually charged, judgemental teenagers.

$10 she caused it, too.

 

Now where did that come from? Jeez, it’s like my game doesn’t know these people at all…

Razor: So you’re telling me you snuck out because you were pining after some boy, and you thought you could seduce him at prom?

Katana: Yes. It’s true. I’m heartbroken now, and will accept any punishment in pained silence.

Lance: She’s right, Dad. Prom sucks.

But on to happier things now, like rainbows and sparkles and unicorns…

Yes, literally those things.

Ara: Hello, Myra. I have been searching all over for you. It is a shame you do not come out more often, especially as my lifetime happiness depends upon it.

Myra: I just love trolling people is all.

Myra: You are a descendent of Tewl the Promiscuous?

Ara: No, but I was raised by him.

Myra: Curious… I do not smell his douchebaggery on you. Here are some magical powers and stuff.

Ara: Thank you, graceful creature. I would be greatly honoured to extend an invitation—that is, if it please you—to return with me to my home and—

Deer: PHOTOBOMB, YOLO!

Needless to say, we didn’t get the unicorn that night.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

And that’s all I have for now! The sight of an empty “Screenshots” folder is a blessed thing. I guess it’s about time for an heir poll, but I have vague delusions of doing a belated Christmas special before all that, particularly because I’m about to install Seasons (only a year-ish late)!

Thank you all for sticking around through my sporadic updates, and I hope the holiday season is treating you fabulously!

-Sam