3.2 Gung Ho

gung ho [guhng-hoh] – adj.: extremely enthusiastic and enterprising, sometimes to excess. Adopted by US marines from Chinese Pidgin English.

This is my life lately. Why, only today I am “enterprising” to sew a dress, clean my room, do laundry, write four French assignments, and caption these 100-odd screenshots.

Not only that, but this chapter is so ambitious that the only other apt title would be “Five Birthdays, Three Life-Threatening Experiences, Two Destinies Fulfilled, Two Graduations, Two Kind-of Deaths, a Birth, a Party, an Abandonment, and a Wedding.”

Having read that description, you can probably just skip the chapter. But please don’t. I put my blood and tears into these things.

We begin with a father-daughter trip to China, undertaken by each party with a heavy heart.

Razor: O great spirit of Sim-Fu, grant me the strength to defeat the Abitar without glitching into oblivion.

Katana: Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou— Just kidding, I’m only upset about being outside.

She quickly found a solution to that. Every time she gets in the car, it counts as “going inside” and she gets like 400 happiness points. Cool beans.

Katana: BEEP BEEP MOTHERFUCKER.

While Katana went on a thousand run-around errands (thanks to a bug with the adventure board) trying to boost her Chinese Visa, there was only one reason for Razor’s trip.

Razor: We meet again, Abitar.

Abi: Ah, young Mantis. I see you have… matured.

Razor: Yeah, yeah. Let’s try not to break any hips, shall we?

Abi: I make no guarantees.

Razor: This is picturesque. Shall we begin?

Abi: As you wish.

And so they sparred. I thought about making another GIF, but instead I put my Windows Movie Maker skillz to the test and churned out this masterpiece of videographic documentation. Please watch it with sound ‘cause I’ll be sad if you don’t.

So there’s a time limit on in-game recording? LOL, news to me.

With the match over, the Abitar conceded her title and retreated peacefully into the hills, never to be heard from again.

And Razor got his LTW! Heck yeah, victory!

He celebrated by eating a perfect potato out of his inventory.

Razor: MY PRIZE PRODUCE OMNOM

Damn, it took like two weeks to grow that. 😦

Then he had a half-finished adventure to do, so I focused on that rather than our current heiress, who was only getting stuff like “catch some bugs” and “go find me mercury lol I’m lazy.”

Razor: I believe I have entered the Department of Mysteries.

Razor: I believe I am on fire.

This was my first time with fire traps, so I had a minor freak-out. Luckily Razor was calm and collected.

Razor: Would you look at that, I’m on fire again.

My bad.

Razor: Okay, seriously, are you brain dead?

Evidently, ‘cause it took me this long to realize there was something up with that floor. IT DOESN’T LOOK THE SAME UP CLOSE, OKAY?

However, my stupidity did not kill him, and he emerged fiercer than ever.

Razor: Through flame, sword, and fist, the Great Mantis conquers all.

Now try standing up, ya old bag of bones.

Razor: I’m quite happy right here, thanks.

He and Katana reconvened and had just enough time to discuss their adventures before heading home.

Razor: So, Katana, what did you get up to while I was busy winning China and life in general?

Katana: Oh, loads of cool stuff. Hauled rocks, picked up beetles… I repaired the emperor’s tomb so many times that I’m best friends with the mission dude. I love China.

Back at home — You know you’re Mommy’s least favourite when you’re relegated to the same room as Larka. Poor Azula.

But more and more, it’s seeming like Ara just hates ALL her kids.

Ara: Ugh, what is that obnoxious noise? Stay here and deal with it while I attend your delinquent sister’s graduation ceremony. And do something about that torn-up couch!

Lance: *despair*

Yes, somebody started another waffle fire. I’m thinking about deleting the fridge.

Tommy: Are we forgetting someone?

Katana: Who, Lancelot? Lol no, we’re going without her.

Indeed, when Lance tried to attend her own sister’s graduation…

Payback’s a bitch.

So she was left to put out the flames in her pretty pink prom queen dress.

Lance: Stupid Katana. She’d better be enjoying her graduation.

Um…

Katana: What a snoozefest. Can I go to Egypt now?

She should be smiling seeing as she barely snuck by with her straight-D report card.

Good luck funding your travels with that McDonald’s job!

Also graduating was Starr, Prom Date from Hell. She had recently shacked up with some dude and Tommy took this opportunity to mend their bridges.

Tommy: Whaddya say, a little nostalgia pic before we go our separate ways?

Starr: Yeah, what the hell.

Tommy: Smoochies!

Starr: Ab grope!

Uh, EA? There’s something wrong here.

Tommy: I just Snapchatted your husband. Have fun with single motherhood, loser!

Little did he know, the “baby” was nothing but a few sacks of rice.

Starr: Duped again, pretty boy.

Coincidentally, Ara treats her real baby like a few sacks of rice.

Azula: But I don’t want to get all wet! I am the fire princess!

What do you know? Apparently, all this time, Katana’s been harbouring the ability to PREVENT WAFFLE FIRES. All hail the saviour.

Soon enough we had our first full moon, and all sorts of uncanny things happened. Uncanny things like Arabella getting old.

Ara: Old? I do not get old; I simply level up.

Ara: See? A walk in the park.

And she’s still adorable. I may sell her to a facility for anti-aging research.

Ara: Careful, for along with my beauty I maintain the strength to double-wield these cutlasses.

The full moon was also the perfect time for Katana to fulfill some of her more… nefarious wishes.

Katana: Aww yeah… Time to party with the ghosts.

Orangey: Raise the roof, man.

Razor also decided to visit his old haunt. But he couldn’t get off babysitting duty, so he pulled a Tewl and brought his charge along with him.

Razor: Isn’t this neat, Azula?

Azula: No, it’s dark and clammy and I want my beauty sleep!

Naturally, Katana had a few things to say about that.

Katana: How dare you follow me? And why the fuck would you bring a baby to a graveyard?

Those are the words I imagined coming out of her mouth. However, she was actually doing this…

Razor Langurd: Divalicious Child Endangerer. What has this legacy become?

Seeing as we’re poor and saving up for a mansion, Tommy has had to keep practising at the community alchemy station.

Tommy: The power of three will set us free… The power of three will set us free…

“Power of three” indeed, ‘cause Officer Stoneyface just scored a Langurd hat trick.

Tommy: So you want me to get in your car?

Officer: Yep.

Tommy: And just… sit there?

Officer: Yep.

Tommy: While you stand out here?

Officer: Yep.

Tommy: Well alright then.

Tommy: *U-Turn*

She’ll never learn.

Next day, Azula got toddlery. Figures she would have the recessive genes when she missed the heir poll, and when her namesake is emphatically NOT a blonde. Still, I gave her Daddy’s old ‘do and some Fire Nation duds, so we’re good to go.

Azula: But I don’t wanna be a lightning-throwing maniac!

Too bad, kid.

The ghosts are still overstaying their welcome and hogging the karaoke machine.

Morgana: ♩ It was an itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka-dot bikini that she wore for the first time today ♫

Tuesday: I LOVE that song!

Well, there goes your credibility as a feminist.

It was on Tommy and Lance to one-up them with something more recent.

Tommy: ♩ Tried to domesticate you, but you’re an animal… Uh, something something, I know you want it… What rhymes with hug me? ♫

Lance: Ladies and gentlemen, the next Grammy winner!

Even Azula participated. Boy am I proud of this family.

Lance: ♫ ‘Cause you’re a gooood girl ♪ Aren’t you, Zula?

Tomahawk: Man, this is wrong. Stop captioning now.

K.

To the park, then! Where Razor’s brother is consorting with the mother of my breeding experiment, whose children Katana will possibly have (?).

Creepy Bystander: Get married, why don’t you.

They did. Thus began the transformation of family tree into family spider web.

I may be a little too intrusive in these matters at times.

Simself: Oh, don’t mind me. Just carry on like I’m not here.

Weston: Do you really want me to marry that monster?

Sim Sam: Uh, yep. You got a problem with that?

Which, strangely, reminds me of this…

Except don’t ever compare me to Stephenie Meyer. I will eat you if you do.

What’s this? A smoking karaoke machine? SABOTAGE?!

Lance: I…  I don’t really want to be a singer.

Katana: And I don’t want to be a repairwoman. So long, screwdriver!

Stop trolling.

Tewl: So son, dis is what yew dun wif yer life, huh? Sprouted a bunch a leafy-greens an’ ya can’t even keep ‘em alive? Weak.

Yeah, Razor. Gosh. Just look at all of HIS fine accomplishments…

Katana: Hey Dad, I found Grandpa Tewl’s secret sex tape.

Razor: HURRRK

Razor: Please never show me anything like that again.

Katana: What, don’t you have any respect for our forefathers?

I’m sick of captioning this birthday shit. Just get on with it, man.

Take it back, take it back! Ctrl+Z!!! Ctrl+Z!!!!!

Ah, that’s better. He rolled Night Owl. Or something.

Tommy: Something smells like mouldy flannel.

Jergens: That’sssss me!

NO. GET OUT.

*vigorous nod*

Arabella: Dearest Myra, we have both become silver-haired sages. Surely this masterful evasion has exhausted you; please do me the honour of GETTING IN THE DAMN SIDEBAR ALREADY.

Those are Arabella’s words for sure. No anger channelling here.

Myra: Well, if you put it that way…

I jumped for joy.

And then Arabella put a halter on the great, untameable spirit of Sunset Valley.

Well, that escalated quickly.

Except we went a few steps further. We dyed her mane and renamed her Rarity… because ponies are da shiz and I couldn’t resist.

And then we took her to a… special facility.

Arabella: Come along, Rarity. There’s a clueless stallion named Charm ready to make your acquaintance.

Gnomes: Good luck, kid. We know all about questionable reproduction methods.

Rarity: Repro…duction?

Speaking of special facilities.

Nymeria: This town ain’t big enuff fer the both of us, foo’!

Larka: No fair, I was here first!

Razor: Yeah… I’m gonna need you to come and do a little pest control.

Lord of the Beekeepers: Don’t worry, Mr. Langurd, she’s in safe hands now.

Larka: You guys are bullies.

Do I feel bad? A little, almost. But she was an infuriating creature.

Just like Scarlet, the new unicorn in town. Who spawned in the most OBVIOUS location the night after we adopted Myra/Rarity.

Scarlet: Don’tcha wish it was this easy before? Eh?

*swallows the urge to adopt her and name her Twilight Sparkles*

Lance: Whoop-dee-do, another graduation.

Tommy: At least you got to come to this one. And Katana, you don’t have to sneak around with the baby. Mom and Dad know you brought her here.

Katana: Shut it, pansy ass.

Actually, I doubt Arabella knew anything about anything that day, since she was so busy being the image of queenliness and propriety.

Later, Lance went on a man hunt. Be very scared.

Adrian: You’re hot.

Lance: I know. But story progression says that’s your girlfriend.

Adrian: Screw story progression. I’m yours, babe.

Lance: Alright, if you say so!

Adrian: Why would you do that? My girlfriend was standing right there, moron!

Lance: Da fuq?

Such is Lancelot’s luck in romance.

Nymeria: Look at me, ain’t I schmexy?

No actually, your head is a lot smaller than I expected it to be. Go back to being a puppy, plz.

Nymeria: I see now why they warn us animals about this place.

Who’s warning?? Is it that bloody wildlife gnome gone rogue ‘cause I swear I will—

Oh look, Fall Festival time!

FYI, still learning the ropes of these EP’s. Excuse my overenthusiasm.

Katana: Blargghhhh I’m a ghost! A never nude ghost!

That’s not even one of your traits. Why do you troll me so 😦

Katana: Oh, this is a great idea. Bobbing for apples while incorporeal is a sure-fire road to success.

Ara: Poo. No honour in winning while the enemy is handicapped.

Meanwhile at the confectionary stand…

Singey McSingeykins: Aww man, I just wanted some cotton candy.

Winner: I’m the only one gets ta operate this casher-thingamajig, ya hear?

Pudgy Creamsicle here is my simself’s boyfriend. Boy, I sure know how to pick ‘em.

Singey: I dunno, he seems romantic and chivalrous to me.

And now for some Spooky Day shenanigans.

Lance: Why would they have a pool by their front door? Surely they don’t want visitors to fall in and drown!

Randy & Susie: I hope she falls in and drowns.

Lance: Trick or treat!

Randy: Just a light push oughtta do it…

And she emerged from the icy waters hours later, Frozen, shall I say, to the core.

Lance: Don’t let them in, don’t let them see…

Paparazzi Doorknob: Halloween sucks!

Evil Gnome: Or maybe… maybe it’s you who sucks! Muahahaha!

Evil Gnome: Oof.

Arabella: The last of the spawn is metamorphosing! In ten seconds I shall be child-free!

Um, what about Azula?

Ara: Who?

Lance: WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS LUSCIOUS LOCKS?

Lance: Oh, there they are.

Praise the heavens. Some women should never attempt short hair.

Haha, child free my ass. Seems like something is being born around here every five seconds. How dare you, Rarity? I wanted unicorn spawn. 😦

Rarity: Don’t be racist.

I guess if we’re still rolling with the Dumbo parallels…

Dawww, she loves him even though he’s a deformed alcoholic. Dammit, I’m making myself sad. Is it weird that baby elephants choke me up?

(I called the foal Boomerang, which eight-year-old me thought was the ULTIMATE horse name. Like, seriously.)

Um, Arabella? I think you’re supposed to clean the guts out before you start carving.

Ara: No, it’s much less messy this way. Trust me, I know from… well, never mind that.

So we decided to throw a feast party. Five seconds after the invitations went out, we got this from Dax, one of the invitees:

That’s what you heard, is it? Well. Our party is gonna kick yours in the face is what I heard.

Ripper: This party is so bad, I might puke.

It kinda was. Naturally, my simself went straight for the food…

…and then promptly left.

Boomerang: Hey controller lady, maybe you ought to pay more attention to me and my Mom before our social bars die of neglect.

Sim Sam: No.

Boomerang: Okay, your call.

And yet, despite the fact that he was supposed to be hosting one elsewhere, Dax actually turned up to our party. In costume. I think he was confused.

Dax: Wow, Lance is hot!

(Yep, definitely confused.)

Adrian: Dangit, that one’s my catch!

Trent: Do you or do you not have a girlfriend?

Adrian: I don’t knowwwww!!

Sucks to be Dax, ‘cause right at that second I closed the heir poll and Katana won. I’m partial to his face, so I made her go schmooze. Too bad he was surrounded by his fan club.

Adrian: Aww man, why are you so cool?

Trent: Can you make me a costume like yours? Exactly like yours?

Katana: Enough! Let the heiress talk to her potential mate!

Fortunately they became Lance’s peanut gallery instead.

Trent: Wow man, that’s her uncle?

Adrian: Yeah, this family is a basket case. Dat ass doe.

Arabella: Repeat after me, my lioness. Crouch, poise, and attack!

Trent: Is that your Mom?? You must be so embarrassed!

Lance: Meh.

Here is a picture of Azula, because this chapter is already a gazillion lightyears long and hey why don’t I waste some more of your time while I’m at it.

What’s this? Are those sparkly hearts I see?

Katana: Maybe.

Are you guys in loooooove? 😀

Dax: That’s a strong word…

Are you gonna make me legacy babies??? 😀 😀 😀

Katana: Gee, thanks for making this NOT AWKWARD AT ALL.

Dax: Thanks for coming to my costume party, Katana. I’m having a really great time.

Katana: I’m so confused.

With a crowd like this, I’m surprised he had such a good time.

Star: Mmm, what a yummy-looking Tiger Man.

Keg: Yummy? Dang fool’s blockin’ my way to the buffet!

Arabella: In your face, Dax French! This place is positively hopping!

Cleopatra: You know everyone went home, right?

Um, actually, I think you missed YOU at the party.

Katana: Whoa, who the hell is that kid?

Lance: Beats me.

Next in line for Neglectee of the Year…

Rarity: You may be the squib of unicorn babies, but Momma still loves you. Even if no one else does.

Boomerang: Yeah no kidding. When was the last time someone fed us? I don’t think I even know who we live with.

Of course I had to test drive University Life. You know, because this legacy needs to be EVEN LONGER.

Katana: Ah, the great escape. No one will suspect I’m gone.

Razor: Bye, Katana!

Razor: And take these brats with you!

Tommy: Crap, do I gotta go to university? I wanted to go to Hogwarts.

Lance: What’s Hogwarts?

Tommy: Pffft, Muggle.

Razor: Come on, Ara. Can’t you at least pretend to give them well wishes?

Ara: Would that I were capable of such sentimental rubbish.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Argh, finally! I definitely did not finish this when I intended to. At the outset, I was a naive start-of-the-semester student with aspirations and free time. Now I am defeated and procrastinating, cowering in Windows Live Writer to avoid writing a research paper on medieval medicine, with bruised ribs and six stitches in my chin because I ate shit on rollerblades (also while procrastinating). Not so Gung-Ho anymore, are we? Hehe. Heh. *curls up and twitches*

I still really wanna finish this legacy, so I hope some of you guys are still around. Is there anyone alive out there?? Can anyone hear me??? *echoes* Well, anyway. Comments are appreciated. The next chapter will be more prompt and a crapload shorter. 😀

Happy Simming!

-Sam