3.4 Au Naturel
Ah, college life. You know that end-of-the-semester feeling when nothing matters and you decide to stick it out and live through the mess, and you think “Next year, NEXT YEAR I’m turning over a new leaf goddammit”?
Well, barely halfway through the semester, the Langurds have reached that point, as evidenced by Katana living on ice cream. Better than Lance, who lives on booze.
Stephen: Did you have a good sleep, Katana?
Katana: I have a boat bed, motherfucker, that’s the only good thing about this dump of a—
Katana: What the hell, you’ve been hoarding REAL FOOD all this time? Thanks for sharing, pretty boy!
Not to mention, that moment when you start craving vegetables like candy.
Luckily, Katana has skillz and I live vicariously through her ability to fix showers and life in general.
Katana: I should get paid for this if I’m such a saviour.
Hey, we all put in our fair share around here.
Tomahawk, for instance, fulfills my vicarious desire to be a wizard.
Tommy: Horklump juice and a touch of flobberworm mucus… then stir clockwise for a perfect herbicide potion!
Tommy: Now the book says I drink it.
In other news, Katana has been making friends right, left, and centre.
Fluttershy Cosplayer: Hey Katana, I thought maybe we could go play some—
Katana: Can it, bugsy. Katana rolls solo.
Or does she? Seeing as I left her on free will for five minutes and came back to this budding friendship.
Katana: Pfft, friendship? This isn’t friendship, this is… uh… um…
*erects physical barrier and blatantly ignores*
Not-Friend: So… rollerblading and laser tag is a no-go?
Ain’t nobody got time fo’ that — not when there is shit waiting to be disturbed…
I will never tire of this game.
Lance: Must we keep running into each other like this?
Eddy: *sigh*… We both go left on the count of three, got it?
Lance: Which way is left again?
But seriously, she does keep running into him. All day err day. It usually results in him standing there looking dead inside while she sketches some completely irrelevant, imaginary scene.
Lance: Hey Eddy I drew dragons!
Eddy: Cool. Can I move now?
Meanwhile, classes have gotten so bad that even the prof doesn’t show up anymore.
Fairy Girl: Can I go home?
And then suddenly, it all gets serious, and Katana puts on her game face.
Katana: This here is a fancy chart thing with triangles and squares and lines and shit. Buy my business proposal and you too can make pretty pictures of this calibre.
However, that stuff’s pretty boring and we know that all the best college moments happen under the light of the moon. The full moon, that is. Dun dun dun. To get this started, here’s Tommy trying to punch down a door.
All in order to do this…
Tommy: Hey, vampire trash! Wanna go on a date with me?
Gabby: Haha, good one! You jokester, you!
Tommy: I know right? Like I’d ever date you.
Sheesh, you Langurds are a bunch of supernatural racists. Should’ve called this the Dursley Legacy.
Katana: Hold still, there’s a fly on your forehead.
Wolfgirl: Where? Get it off get it OFF!!
Katana: Jk, I just hate you.
Wolfgirl: Grrrr! You will pay for that!
Katana: Oh, I’m sooo scared.
Katana: Here, let me sing you the song of your people.
Wolfgirl: What are you—
Katana: I smell like I sound, I’m lost and I’m found / And I’m hungry like the woooooolf
Katana: I’m sorry, did I offend you?
Wolfgirl: That was my brother’s wedding hymn, bitch.
While her siblings were off being douchebags, Lance was attending the biggest douchebag party. And by that I mean Mugsy Brotoaski, surrounded by a bunch of girls who may or may not have been his romantic interests.
Zombina: Oh goody, more competition! You goin’ DOWN, ho.
Douchebag or not, I was beginning to realize these two pea-brains were made for each other.
So Lance did what any head-over-heels halfwit would do…
Mugsy: Why pretty girl make first move? Mugsy ALWAYS make first move. MUGSY ALPHA MALE!!!
Lance: But you are my sunshine, my only sunshine!
Mugsy: No sunshine. Pretty girl leave now.
Story of her life.
With that marriage prospect blown to smithereens, Lance well and truly lost it.
Little did she know, her gorilla in shining armour had followed her out into the rainy night.
Eddy: Seriously, I don’t know what you were thinking. But leaving aside the fact that you’re a complete idiot… do you wanna go somewhere and talk about it?
Lance: Oh, Eddy! Where were the warning signs? He seemed like such a sweet and sensitive guy…
Eddy: Yeah, that’s Mugsy Brotoaski alright. Honestly, have you heard of onomastics?
He managed to cheer her up in his own way.
Eddy: Draw me like one of your French girls.
Apparently, French girls are not what they used to be.
Meanwhile, I sent Katana to do a little recon. A.k.a. drain Mugsy’s keg and ruin the party even more.
Katana: “Juice” indeed… I’m gonna get so “juiced” you’ll need those paddles to get me out of here.
Mugsy: Who are you?
Katana: I AM THE BROKILLER AND I WILL HUNT YOU UNTIL THE DAY YOU DIE, MOTHERFUCKER
But wait! The night is not yet over. What about these crazy kids?
Gabby: If you hate vampires so much, get out of my house.
Tommy: K, just gotta do one thing first.
Haha… how’s that for the shortest relationship arc ever?
Back at the dorms, Katana walked in on Stephen “Pyjamadancer” Brackney having a party of his own.
Katana: Can I have his life? Please?
Stephen: No, but you may have this dance.
Katana: Aw, nice try, pal. That ship sailed when you refused to share your vegetables.
Oh hey kids, I kept you out all night and turns out your final exams are today—SURPRISE!
Tommy: I got this. I’m a wizard, remember?
Not technically, but…
Lance: *sniff* Screw that. Dear Mugsy *sniff* I love you forever take me back ploxxx
The stink fumes say it all: An hour before the final, with failing moodbars all over the place, Katana cracked a book for the first time all semester.
And a lot of good it did her.
Katana: Well fuck.
Luckily all she had to do was film some dumb PSA (I had written “PDA” before and just realized that wasn’t quite right). And then it was back to terrorizing Mugsy.
Katana: Suck my dick, Brotoaski.
Mugsy: No. No dick.
Katana: Hey everyone, Mugsy has no dick!
Mugsy: Mugsy no say that!
He obviously felt the need to prove it, and subsequently caused every girl in the vicinity to do an awkward side-step.
Well, almost every girl.
Gabby: Golly gee, a real college kegger with streaking and everything! I’ve never felt so included in all my vampire life!
Lance, meanwhile, took out her heartache on the keg.
Girl: Um, I don’t think you should have any more.
Lance: I looooove you, floor!! ❤
But she rebounded in no time (a talent I’ve never mastered).
Lance: Omg Eddy, it’s insane! There’s kegstands and naked people everywhere. You have to get here right now.
Eddy: Jesus Lance, when you said “naked people” I didn’t know you meant you.
In the end, you could say she had a pretty good night.
Well, sort of…
Eddy you prick, get it right.
And finally, here we are at report card day! The one, the only—‘cause as much fun as this was, ain’t no way we’re coming back for another semester.
Lance: Oh wow, I got an A! What’s that stand for?
Katana: In your case? Asskisser, probably.
Not bad for a buncha delinquents.
And now let’s tie up every story arc I’ve left hanging. You know, except for Tommy’s, ‘cause where has he even been the last two chapters.
Eddy: Listen, I called you here in front of my Gothic poetry collection to tell you something. You make my Tell-Tale Heart beat like a raven’s wings.
Lance: I’m so confused but whatevs, kiss me!
Lance: Hey wait. You’re not pulling away. What is this I don’t understand!
Lance: Quick, photographic evidence!
Thus, Lance met her match, making it easier for me to kick her out when we got back to Sunset Valley. Yep, that’s what these grandiose romantic journeys boil down to.
And Katana—well, she proved her worth as heiress beyond a doubt.
Mugsy: Ungh… Whyyyy?
Katana: YOU KNOW WHY.
Katana: And just so we’re clear, we were NEVER friends!
Not-Friend: Well, screw you too!
Weeee, I’m feeling productive! I mean yeah I took like a week to write this chapter but I also lined up a full-time summer job and cleaned my disaster zone of a room and started a major writing project and— yep, feel free to place bets on how long this will last.
Thank you once again for your likes and comments! Next chapter: babies? Lol, probably not. But soon, I promise.
Posted on April 28, 2014, in Generashun 3 and tagged bugsy, cheating, college life, eddy, full moon, gabby, grades, heat of the moment kiss, katana, kegger, lance, mugsy, no dick, not-friend, rejection, stephen, streaking, supernatural racists, tomahawk, troll, university. Bookmark the permalink. 12 Comments.