3.5 Mi Casa es su Casa

Wait, wtf? We’re at Chapter 3.5 already?? But that’s like, half the generation gone! We’re supposed to have babies by now KATANA YOU LAZY SHIT

Katana: Babies are hard. I’mma go take a three-day nap so good luck with that legacy thing.

Katana: And good luck getting home, suckerrrrsssss

Why is this a recurring theme with her?

Katana’s will aside, I wanted to hurry things along a bit. Remember that huge, elaborate, completely unattainable house I built a few chapters back? Well, at this point the Langurds STILL couldn’t afford it, and with Sunset Valley bugging up more and more, I sorta lost my cool. So I resorted to magic. Not cheats, okay? Magic.

Katana: So many innuendos to be made here.

Yes, and I’m going to settle on “rubbing the spout ‘til the blue man comes.” Or something like that.

Katana: Hey look, the blue man came!

Genie: My, you are clever. What’ll it be, Langurd?

Katana: A king-sized bed, twelve cats, and a lifetime subscription to Netflix, please.

Genie: Can’t do that, but here’s $100,000 instead.

Katana: The power! At last I’ll replace that chair everyone complains about for no reason!

Dream big, Katana. Dream big.

But before we could get to the move, there were things to do. Erm, a whole massive chapter’s worth of things, apparently. Starting with winter shenanigans. ENJOY!

First, Ara rode off in the middle of the night to fulfill a “Bob for Apples” wish she’d been holding onto.

Ara: Won’t this be a hoot, Rarity? What a perfect horse-and-trainer activity!

Rarity: Tell that to “No interactions available.” I call discrimination!

In the end, she had to take on her half-brother Cesar instead.

Ara: Hmph! A far less worthy opponent, verily.

No kidding. I’ve been staring at his face for five minutes and I still can’t figure out where his mouth is.

But seriously.

Ara won, naturally. After waiting five hours for a third participant to show up.

Arabella: I hope I have done you proud, my gentle steed.

Rarity: What do you mean I can’t eat the hay either? Is this world built to tease me?

In other news, this blonde kid showed up at the d— *checks notes* Oh right, it’s Azula, the sparest of spares. She had a birthday.

Katana: You want a bedtime story? Here’s one, it’s called “get the fuck out of my bed.”

And she was sent packing, back to the menagerie and her grandfather’s rusty, questionably stained bed. What a lucky kid.

One of the many things that irks me about Sunset Valley right now is that the vampires are taking over, as they always do. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t make a habit of shunning the abnormal and shouting “MOTORBIKES DON’T FLY!”, but immortality is a pain.

Marty: High fang, sister!

Molly: That was truly terrible.

Which is why, when Tomahawk’s new girlfriend joined the household, we got her a special little drink of her own.

Gabby: You think you can “cure” me? Ha! It’ll never work.

Don’t mind the self-righteous sneer. She’s actually an Absent-Minded, Family-Oriented Technophobe with a flair for cooking and gardening. Hence the rustic flower child makeover, which I’m kind of in love with.

Azula: Hear ye, hear ye! I, Princess Azula of the Fire Nation, hereby lay claim over this rectangular domain. First order of business: how can we justify expanding the population when some of us already are not properly cared for?

Tomahawk: Get down from there, you fool.

She does have a point, though.

Azula: I wonder what happens when the oppressed find their voices, hmm?

Azula: No really, I wonder.

The rest of y’all should probably be afraid.

Lucky for Tomahawk, he was on track to run away with his devampirified love. BUT THEN a massive wrench in the plan when Gabby decided he was cheating on her with Starr Ansaari-Landgraab. What the actual, woman?

Gabby: She is a young adult in your relationship panel who is not an immediate family member. I just can’t be sure there’s nothing going on.

I guess he managed to convince her. But not until they were both starving and stinky and exhausted.

Tommy: Good. Now let’s get out of here before one of my sisters puts our heads on spikes.

Gabby: Not yet—you have to knock me up first.

Time is a-ticking. The princess raises her army and dare I say, Winter is Coming.

(Season 4 just started… Can you tell?)

Azula: And you, good sir, shall be my lord commander. I dub you Ser Grimsby Frostington.

Grimsby: At your service, my Princess.

Tommy: Azula! You can’t just build death in our front yard!

Grimsby: The impudence, that you would address my Princess in such a manner! Shall I cut out his tongue, your grace?

Azula: No, Ser Grimsby. Show him mercy… for now.

Tommy: Sigh… How will I ever fulfill my dreams in this mad, mad place?

Rarity: I hear ya, bro.

In case you had any doubts about voting for her, here is Katana being really fucking rad.

Katana: First time on a snowboard, no problem trolololol

And aimlessly loitering on a frozen pond, as you do.

Katana: For crying out loud, will you accept my invitation already? You were supposed to show up like twelve screenshots ago.

Alas, that particular development is progressing rather tediously…

It’s a shame Katana can’t find a true chivalric love like this one.

Gabby: Help me, Tomahawk! I’m going to fall!

Tommy: Nah, I’m good.

Suddenly, Azula has gone from the Invisible Langurd to the star of the freaking show. Go figure.

Azula: I’ll be needing a horsey companion if I am to win this war. Will you be join me, friend?

Boomerang: I’m your friend now, am I? Do you think this makes up for days upon days of BLATANT NEGLECT?

Indeed, I started to notice the subtle signs that we here at House Langurd should NOT be responsible for animal lives. Such as…

1) Inviting them on family outings, then driving off in a taxi without them.

Run, Boomy, run!

2) Generally being exclusive sons of bitches.

Ripper: Ha ha, you got left out of the family portrait!

Boomerang: You got left out of the FAMILY, loser.

3) Letting them come within an inch of starvation.

Lance: Me next, Daddy!

4) Forgetting birthdays.

Rarity: Thanks a lot, Master Arabella. What happened to being “silver-haired sages” together?

 

5) Forgetting to document birthdays.

6) And, last but not least, this blatant animal cruelty.

Seriously, what are you doing?

Ara: Drowning Lionheart. Lol.

It all added up, and the dreaded blue van arrived. 😦

Rarity: Okay now son, the nice lady is going to take us to a special new home where we will be loved and cherished!

Boomerang: God, Mom, I’m an adult now. I know what animal abuse is.

So we lost our precious unicorn and her jaded young colt…

…and our kitty cat…

…and our— You know, I never checked what breed Nymeria was. (Maybe that’s part of our problem.)

It was all thanks to this smug little woman…

Joanna Rodgers. ARGH, just look at that face. Asdgarrgjorihjsdofhjadg I could smack her.

Joanna: Oh hi there. Just gonna take away the rare magical creature you spent your entire life tracking down. What’choo gonna do about it, punk?

I retaliated the only way possible, with pictorial warfare…

I feel a little better already.

Side note: I swear I take better care of my real-life pets. Here’s a picture to prove how much they love me.

But actually she’s like “get away from me you disgusting human, I want no part of your selfie.”

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Poor Arabella just stood there for a good while, struggling to exist without her unicorn.

Ara: I’ll just wait here until she comes galloping through the door. I’m certain she will. I’m certain.

Of course, Lance just struggles to exist in general.

Wowee, what’s this, like Katana’s third appearance this chapter? And here I thought she was heiress or something.

Katana: Okay, seriously? Who the fuck comes back from the dead to haunt a coffee table?

Katana: Hey, Tiger Man. For the sixteenth time, will you come over or for the love of God I swear I will murder your family?

Damn you, Dax French. I get Sims like this all the time—super-duper best friends from talking on the phone, but when it comes to hanging out in person, no can do. Bunch’a hermits, I tell you.

Quick update on the spousal situation: I had it narrowed down to Dax, Weston, and Stephen Brackney (you know, ‘cause there were so many options). But Stephen’s boring and I’m too lazy to pull him out of University Land, so there’s that. And Weston (the breeding experiment)…

…he knocked up Katana’s half-cousin. He also lost his eyebrows again.

Literally everyone in this town is having babies except my gosh darn legacy family.

Even my simself and Chubby Carnival Man are expecting (and have excellent taste in names—a boy named Ezekiel. Dear God, don’t let this be my future).

And Julie, Ripper’s daughter, shacked up with one of Lance’s old fanboys and gave birth to Karen, the first gen. 4 Langurd. REALLY, KATANA, GET A MOVE ON.

Not to be outdone by Ripper of all people, I placed my hopes in Tommy and Gabby. They tied the knot in a new-fangled marriage ceremony involving lots of arm waving.

Gabby: Praise be unto Count Dracula on this unholy day.

Tommy: Praise be— wait, did you just induct me?

Gabby: You’re one of us now.

Then, it was down to business.

Gabby: I gotta pee.

Tommy: I’m hungry.

Azula: I’ll be going now…

R.I.P., mood.

Take two. They may be the most attractive sim couple I’ve ever seen. Make pretty babies already, you twits.

With that done, they were swiftly kicked out and Tommy went on to become…

A singer? Right, I definitely saw that one coming.

Meanwhile, Razor has become a ghostly presence and eagerly retreats to a hole in the ground at every possible occasion. You can tell he’s ready to be done with this legacy.

If this is what a semester of Fine Arts earned us, I want my money back.

Her other masterpieces. In place of a mausoleum, we shall have an Oompa Loompa shrine.

Lance: Now that I did my job, please oh please may I run away with my prince?

Just as soon as we deal with the “Invite Foreign Visitors” fiasco. *grumble grumble*

But first! It’s Snowflake Day and these presents showed up on the floor. Somebody should probably open them, so let’s invite the whole fam-damily.

Tomahawk literally had one foot in the door when he changed his mind about attending.

Tommy: Oh wait, I just remembered—I don’t want to be here.

It’s no joke; nobody wants anything to do with this place. Look at Razor, running to escape the camera frame and everything.

On the plus side, look who finally does want something to do with this place!

Dax: This is a riot! I don’t know why you didn’t invite me over sooner.

Katana: I hope you know I really hate you.

But it turns out he’s a great shoulder to cry on.

Katana: *sob* Our unicorn… I just miss her so much, you know?

Dax: I am SO sorry. I’ve been taking hugging lessons—am I doing it right?

Katana: She was so pretty and sparkly…

Dax: How ‘bout if I punch myself? Does that make you feel better??

Dax: Or I can twirl you. Weeee?

I suspect crocodile tears, but suddenly Daxtana became the most adorable thing ever.

Of course, Her Majesty and His Royal Pain in the Ass were not to be outdone.

Ara: Ripper, darling, you make me feel young ag— CRACK.

The old codgers of Gen. 1 have entered into a tournament of survival. Everyone’s waiting around to see who will kick the bucket first.

Ripper: Not walking so great, eh Rotter?

Ripper: Least I ain’t got no diabeetus, dickhead.

Cleopatra: *is extremely uncomfortable*

We have a… winner?

Although Keg certainly takes the prize for Codgerliest Codger.

Keg: Young doughy-eyed dingbats… Makes me sick.

Someone’s bitter about being a stub on the family tree.

Ara: Oh wow, how’d they fit a bike in here?

Melted it down to save space. It’s the thought that counts?

Ara: My family loves me sooooo much.

Lance scored an alarm clock and a tigervine plant—typical “you’re an adult now” disappointment gifts.

Lance: Now I’m gonna get up early every day to water my plant! My life rocks!

Someone knows Katana really well–with her hatred of the outside world–because she got a parasol…

…twice.

Katana: Jeez, people, you couldn’t have coordinated or something?

Keg would be the one to make this face.

Keg: Alright, who gave me a “World’s Best Father” mug?

That has Ripper written all over it. These guys seem to agree.

Meanwhile Razor gets a picture of a flower and he’s all “yay!”.

Bebe: D’aww, this isn’t what I wanted.

You walked into a random family Christmas and opened somebody else’s present. You don’t get to complain.

Chorus: She doesn’t even go here!

Afterward, Katana took Dax outside for a private conversation.

Ara: Azula, dear, let’s go for a little moonlit stroll.

Katana: Do you mind?

Arabella: On second thought, let’s move our moonlit stroll back inside.

Ara: How dare you do something so vulgar in front of your younger sister?

Katana: Lol Mom, since when do you care about Azula?

A few more smooches and it was time to pop the question.

Katana: Look, you gigantic man-child, I don’t kneel for people often so you’d better say yes.

Dax: Little ball of light! Can I have it?

Katana: If you marry me.

Dax: Uh, no. I don’t wanna.

Katana: Why not?

Dax: Girls have cooties.

Bad decision, Dax.

^  ^ Perhaps this explains it? I didn’t know that was a thing.

At the very least, she got him to move in. Besides being insane, he’s a dramatic, athletic loser who doesn’t sleep very well. He’s also halfway to his LTW of Superstar Athlete, which almost makes up for him being a complete idiot in every other regard.

He moved in with $5,000, ten days to elderhood, and a freaky-looking cat called Mr. Pickles.

Speaking of “freaky-looking,” I had Lance give Katana’s portrait one more try. And then I gave up on her forever and always.

Lance: Gosh, I wonder who that strange, lonely figure creeping at the door could be.

Eddy: Hi, Lance. It’s been a while.

Lance: What was your name again? Teddy? Freddie?

Fun fact—Eddy is a C student, and apparently we moved him in on finals day. LOLwhoops.

(Seriously, Katana, cut that shit out.)

Bye-bye, Leddy!

Lance: We should probably get a house…

Eddy: And jobs…

And that, kids, is why arts majors shouldn’t marry other arts majors.

Mr. Pickles: Hey wait guys, I’m coming too!

Eddy: Oh, great! Another mouth to feed!

And FINALLY! Ladies and gentlemen—finally, we reach the end of an era (and a really dull chapter) and say goodbye to the original, the completely dysfunctional, the buggy, the terribly routed, the geometrically dissatisfying—but also the first, and forever the closest to our hearts—legacy abode. And look what a mess we’re leaving it in.

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Yikes, that was a long one. Stay tuned for new house shenanigans and maybe even Daxtana babies. Maybe.

Happy Simming!

-Sam