3.8 Schadenfreude

“Progress will continue” <— Hahaha. I love shooting myself in the foot, don’t I?

Has it been long enough for a recap? Oh, probably, but I’m too lazy to open a browser, so here’s my best estimate: after an underwhelming trip out of the country, Katana was sarcastic, Dax was a doormat, Azula was aggravatingly picturesque, Razabella were invisible (until one of them died), and the chapter culminated in the birth of a child. Come to think of it, that’s pretty much the formula for Chapters 7-9. Are you excited??

Oh, come on. I send you to France to get married and this is how you react?

Katana: The open air. It hurts my lungs.

And Dax over there?

Katana: I think he’s choking on a piece of cobblestone.

Brilliant. Also, I’m loving how Katana’s shadow is just a walking pair of pants.

The lesson I am slowly learning is to always, always bring a spare person on trips because editing out plumbobs is PAINFUL. Well anyway, as you can see, Daxtana had their adorbs little ceremony outside La Gallerie d’Art, and in a stroke of poor planning and utter appropriateness, our heiress became “Katana French.” Hohoho.

But there was no time to waste, so Mrs. French took off for some adventuring.

Dax: But… what about the honeymoon?

Katana: Sorry, pal. Try not to die while I’m gone.

Dax had to celebrate on his lonesome at the nearest watering hole, becoming the saddest man alive.

Dax: Yep, I just got married. Would you believe it?

Greenie: No. Where’s your wife?

Dax: Derrr… Um, uh… IT DOESN’T MATTER.

Said wife was currently walking into the most conspicuous secret passage of all time. Still in her “wedding dress,” I might add.

Katana: The fuck do you think you’re doing? Do I LOOK like an ant farm?

Her three days were largely spent battling mother nature.

Collecting obscene amounts of coin.

Sobbing over dead people she never knew.

And sobbing over this bottle of wine.

Katana: You’ve been alone down here all this time? How tragic. Let me drink you.

There were a few run-around missions, of course…

Hey, Dax— I think you just lost your “Saddest Man Alive” trophy.

Speaking of the groom, it would appear the solo honeymoon didn’t agree with him too well. Nor did three days of complete autonomy.

Dax: That’s what I think of you! Ha!

When he had successfully made enemies of all the locals, he abused the bathroom wall instead.

Dax: You did this, didn’t you? YOU took my Tannie away from me. You sucked her into those stupid green tiles like Sirius Black got sucked into that curtain thing at the Ministry of Magic. And now she’s in there screaming, “Dax, I was your father’s best friend, and you have to find the horcruxes before the prophecy comes true!” Well screw that! I’m gonna tear you down like Harry should’ve done to that curtain, and we’ll see who’s laughing then, punk!

Across town, Katana was spinning a similar tale closer to the truth.

Katana: Dude, my mom got sucked through a wall by the Grim Reaper and now she’s his bride in the underworld. Think I could crash for a night?

Gustave: C’est dur, bro.

He even fed her dinner at his fancy island counter.

Katana: Le salad is le good, garcon.

Gustave: You know that adding “le” to everything doesn’t count as speaking French, right?

Katana: Le obviously.

Meanwhile, her poor, helpless husband had to scavenge for his dinner.

Dax: Tannie? Are you coming back soon? I sold all my clothes and I can’t find the base camp and I’m scared.

Katana: One sec, just getting fried like a sausage.

I somehow thought France would be all frills and frog’s legs, but I’ll testify that Chateau Landgraab is actually the most terrifying “tomb” in the game. Everything is trying to kill you ALL THE TIME, like a fancier Australia.

Katana: Fuck this. I sleep now.

On the bright side, the flames of desire were still burning strong between Katana and all the shadystrangers of the world. Hot damn, are my puns on fire or what? 😉

(I am deeply sorry.)

Katana: Wait, what’s this? You mean there’s another whole wing I haven’t explored yet?

Or two… or three. This place is kind of huge.

Katana: Uh, NOPE. Peace out.

My reaction to that discovery was pretty similar, so I sent her to a cafe to recuperate from the high-voltage trauma.

Cashier: You gonna pay for that?

Katana: No.

And then, finally, she went in search of Dax. He had taken up residence in the countryside and was settling in for the long run, weatherproof gear and everything.

Katana: Nice place you got here, ya goof.

Dax: Humph. Don’t expect me to be happy to see you, ‘cause I’m not. Deserter.

Luckily, they made up rather quickly. And then they pitched a tent in more ways than one and tried for another legacy baby.

And that was their fantabulous nuptial voyage to Champs les Sims.

Now let’s take the sky-high bliss of newlyweds and bring it crashing down. Because back home, Razor without his Ara is truly the saddest man alive. Look at him… I can’t even. And her side of the bed is still unmade, too. 😦 😦

He wasn’t the only one mourning. Azula, tasked with painting her own likeness before I kicked her out, was still producing only green blobs after several days’ work. So she thought: What would Arabella do?

Azula: Drink this questionable bottle of pink fluids, of course! It’s not like it could be lethal or anything.

She’s got the pink part right, but the poor kid obviously didn’t know her mother very well. The woman may as well have written a book called “1000 Surprisingly Effective Murder Weapons,” with “harmless-looking pink serum” clocking in at number 435.

But it’s all good, ‘cause Katana is shaping up to be a much more caring and attentive mother.

Katana: Once upon a time, there was a dumpy prince and a dorky peasa— SHUT UP, FLORIN, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

Clearly able to manage one child at best, she sought out some cheap help—thus committing the biggest mistake of the legacy.

Katana: Rise, o dark spirit slave. Rise from the laundry hamper.

No, really. This mistake was bigger and costlier than the accidental twins. Bigger than adopting Larka. Bigger than losing the unicorn.

Bonehilda: Hey, bitches. I’m your worst nightmare.

You’ll find out shortly why.

Bonehilda: Florin, is it? You like ghost stories? Heh, you’re gonna have an interestin’ childhood, little boy.

Bonehilda: He’s all fed and changed and scarred for life, Missus Langurd. Anythin’ else wants doin’?

Katana: No thanks, Corpse Bride. Go take a lunch break.

Bonehilda: Lunch? But it’s nighttime, Missus. How do I eat lunch at nighttime?

Bonehilda: Missus? Okay, I’ll wait here.

Coincidentally, once Katana negated responsibility for one of her kids, she was quite willing to schluff the other one off as well.

Balboa: Are you my mommy?! 😀

Razor: No, but I am probably the best parental influence in this place. Come and learn the ways of the Mantis, young Balboa.

However, she must have spent some time in the nursery (and in the human aquarium) because here she is having birthday times up in there (in her swimsuit).

Katana: Hey Phyllis, I’m gonna get old and crusty like you!

Phyllis: You’ll never wear it as well as I do.

Katana: Take that, Phyllis!

Yep, Katana is rocking “old and crusty.” So much that her husband is literally jumping into bed at the sight of her.

I guess the tent Woohoo was unsuccessful or something, otherwise I wouldn’t have felt the need for this screenshot…? It’s been too long since I played and my notes are getting sparser and more illegible as we go. In any case, Daxtana tried for that third baby one more time and I really, really hope the snowsuit wasn’t involved because yikes.

Oh, and there was a jingle!

I’m in love with this balcony, so here’s a pretty screenshot of Daxtana surveying their legacy nation with the ever-trusty gargoyle guards.

Zombers: Rahr, your nation is under siege now. Be afraid.

The zombies in this game are so nonthreatening it makes me laugh. What kind of undead menace uses the front gate?

How’s this for nonthreatening? It’s good to see you, Grey Wind y’old fart. ❤

They grow up fast, don’t they? Just kidding, this took forever.

Katana: What’s with the one candle? I thought you were at least like, four by now.

Nope, just a young’un, but a cute’un. And he’s got his priorities straight.

Razor: Hi Florin, I’m your Grandpa Razor and I’m going to—

Florin: CAKE IN MY MOUTH NOW PLZ.

And then it was back to Bonehilda for him. The proud parents enjoyed some side-by-side skilling to keep up the appearance of a “funkshinul” relationship.

Dax: Hey, blue shirt guy! I’m over here! Can you hear me! Hang tight, I’ll get you out of that torture chamber!

Katana: Wanna keep it down, dorkface?

While Razor and his grandson did some side-by-side meditation.

Razor: Are you finding your inner peace, Balboa?

Balboa: No fair, I want the skeleton lady for a babysitter.

That night, Katana paid a special visit to my simself in her dark and creepy-looking mansion. She had recently hooked up with the old guy she was fangirling over last chapter and was soon to give Ezekiel a half-sibling. In short, this woman is not me AT ALL.

I rest my case.

Katana: …

Simself: Don’t judge me.

Katana: Okay, I won’t.

(Yeah, Katana is also pregnant at this stage, technically. So much shame on both of them.)

The special mission was a flop, and you’ll find out why in a bit.

Boa finally got his turn with Babysitter Bonehilda, what with Daddy working and Mommy boozing it up across town.

Balboa: Heya. I got a shiny new xylophone if you’re into that sorta thing.

Tewl’s eyebrows make even the sweetest face look pervy.

Azula: So where am I in the line of succession, exactly?

Razor: Sweetheart, that’s not how it works. The readers have to vote you in.

Azula: But hypothetically…

Razor: Hypothetically, you are your mother’s daughter and I do not want to put ideas in your head. Do your homework.

Ah yes, that mission I spoke of. I wonder if you’ll remember Weston Jolina-Sekemoto? His history is roughly as follows. Cue black and white:

Long ago, a pop-up foretold the romantic liaison of two of my favourite sims in the Valley: Jamie Jolina and Sam Sekemoto. Story Progression saw a casual flirtation; I saw an opportunity for spouse breeding. I pounced on it. I invited them to Tewlgana’s wedding, an awkward affair considering Tewl had just impersonated Sam to break him up with Vita Alto. Ah, the Smewl Saga. Good times.

The party proved the perfect environment to kindle their flame, and the pair did not part lips until the night was done. They got married, I high-fived myself, and then they gave birth to this:

My computer crashed. I had created a monster. But! A little nRaas interference and young Weston’s face and body were reunited. Oh, happy day.

He ultimately had “flings” with each of the third-gen Langurds…

…much to his distaste.

I was ready to set him up with Katana before the kids left for university, but non-Langurds are snatched up quick around here. And one of our very own bloodline, Kacey Gewf, staked her claim on Weston. They were married with a daughter before you could say “Potatoparty.”

Now, you all know I’m a terrible person not averse to breaking up relationships, but I was still undecided on his genetics, and indecision turned into “meh,” and that made for an anticlimactic ending to this story.

So why did I tell it, you ask?

Because, by complete coincidence, Weston tagged along to Riverview! He was apparently unable to cohabitate with my simself, so we found him in a pretty gothic manse… married to an old lady named Nellie Spenster.

Katana: Spenster, wow. That’s like spinster. You’re married to a spinster.

Weston: That doesn’t make sense.

Katana: You don’t make sense.

P.S. Baby bump alert! Of course I didn’t forget to screenshot it.

Dax was at home, oblivious. So oblivious that he missed his sports game because he was too busy playing make-believe sports games.

Dax: Wait, this isn’t my job?

And then his ten days were up, and for some reason he was really excited to say goodbye to adulthood.

Dax: What do I get to be next? A dragon?

Dax: I’m not a dragon…

He might just be the most pathetic-looking old man ever.

Dax: Hi Tannie!

Katana: Since when am I married to an old guy?

No joke—she immediately rolled this upon seeing him:

Followed soon after by:

I may have very few morals as a simmer, but I promise you—you can’t make this shit up.

With that in mind…

Katana: So the house is getting pretty full. Maybe we should throw Dax out, now that I’ve got two and a half kids out of him.

Razor: Don’t you mean one and a half?

Katana: *choke* What?

Razor: Please, Katana. You can’t fool me. Florin doesn’t look a thing like him.

Katana: But I didn’t sleep with any other guys. So there.

Razor: I didn’t say anything about guys.

Katana: Did I just have that conversation with my father?

Razor: *satisfied*

So yeah, breaking news:

1) Katana is a man.

2) Florin is her his lovechild with Sun Young Kim of China.

3) Only one of the above is true.

Dax: My wife is a man?!

Florin: You’re dumb, Not-Daddy.

You’d barely believe it by the blonde hair, right? But if you look at his skin tone, it’s actually somewhere in the pink-tinged spectrum, and he defs didn’t get that from Katana or Dax.

I should probably feel sorry for Dax, but he’s becoming an increasingly annoying presence as of late.

Razor: Dammit, Dax, that reeks.

Dax: No YOU reek. Heheh!

Razor: Did you learn that from Katana?

Dax: YOU learned that from Katana!

And then there’s Azula, who doesn’t do a thing to earn her keep and doesn’t give a shit about this family.

Azula: Fix the heiress’ portrait, you say? I would consider this an improvement.

In the family composite, she even lets Florin sit on the floor because her hands are clearly occupied.

Azula: You can eat sand, young man.

Moving on! It’s our second Spooky Day and the Langurds decided to throw a costume party this time, so as not to be one-upped again by a loser like Dax.

Razor: You’re early. I’m doing laundry. That’s not a costume. But you coming bearing tofu dogs, so I forgive you.

Katana’s “garcon,” Gustave, was indeed about two hours early. Those unpredictable flight schedules, y’know? If Katana’s love life weren’t already such a tangled mess, I’d recruit this one as a baby daddy. Coincidentally, Katana’s kindred spirit over at the Zale ISBI married him in the chapter I was just reading, so we’ll have to vicariously through her. 😉

Silly Gustave may have the face of an angel, but he ruined it all by donning a worse costume than Dax. Here we have “Vegan’s Nightmare” and “Nearly Headless Hash Slinger.”

But really. They ought to have finished what they started.

Next came “Inspector Not-Just-a-Pretty-Face.” …But he is just a pretty face.

Tommy: I take pride in that.

And I’m calling this guy “Gingerbread Man” because I have no idea who or what the heck he is, and all I see is that delicious-looking cake.

I’m sorry, but this is adorable. I legitimately did the little clappy thing when it came up, even though Katana would never in a million years emit a sound resembling “Teeheehee!”.

And look who else showed up.

Simself: Hello, Weston. Let me brief you before you go in. This is a setup. You must start wooing her while she’s still an adorable pregnant lady.

Katana: Oh, bugger off.

Autonomy lead the Hash Slinger into Tewlish activities, i.e. chatting up ladies with a toddler in hand. Funny, ‘cause it’s not even his toddler.

Dax: So the weather. It’s pretty weathery, right? I like weathery weather.

It’s also funny because I screencapped this one not too long ago…

That thing about Lance and Katana falling for the same guys? Yeah. It lives on.

Lance: Daddy, I want to marry Katana’s husband.

Razor: Are you serious, girl? He told you the weather was weathery! Is that all it takes to dissolve your honour?

Let’s not talk about how perfect Razor’s costume is.

And let’s not talk about Azula’s at all. Holy shit.

One minute, Katana was busting a move on the dance floor. Next minute, she busted her amniotic sac.

Simself: Oooh, you’re gonna like this one! I have a name ready and everything!

Katana: Stfu.

The father was nowhere useful.

Dax: Help me where am I

The brother was striking out with my simself.

Tommy: I think you’re pretty.

Simself: Eww, gross.

Further proof that she is not me.

Not to mention trying to taint the epic love story that is Razabella UGH THE SHAAAAAME

For the most part, bystanders seemed to assume Katana was just doing a really expressive dance with many sound effects.

Katana: Ooh eeh ooh ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang!

The perfect soundtrack for childbirth.

We have a Spooky Day baby, born on the dance floor! And she’s… are you ready for this? Evil and Insane. Ah, the golden combo. This legacy has been waiting for you, Lira Langurd.

Lira is a Virgo born at 9:56pm. She enjoys grey, PBJs, and geek rock.

And she very much enjoyed her mother’s labour pains. If you know your German, you’ll see the reason for this chapter’s title. 😉

Razor: Where are you going?

Katana: Dropping it in the aquarium before it’s old enough to kill me.

Razor: I can’t let you do that.

Apparently everyone has decided that Katana is no longer allowed to parent.

Katana: Anything I can do?

Razor & Weston: No.

Katana: …Soooo can I go watch Survivor now?

Katana: Oh, Tommy, you mustn’t see me like this. I probably look like a dud mother.

Tomahawk: That’s because you are.

Katana: Well, parenting is hard. Ain’t that right, Grandma?

Morgana: Actually, I did fine. And how many kids did I raise? One, two— oh, that’s right, I’d need another hand to count.

Weston: I’m a cancer.

Katana: I don’t remember what the hell I am, but it’s compatible.

Weston: That’s good, but… don’t you have a husband?

Lance: Hey hey Dax, looks like you and me are compatible, too!

Dax: Dax as in me? Score!

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Good god, this is a mess. Stay tuned for… you know, I’m so lost I don’t even know what to write here. So just stay tuned.

IMPORTANT THINGS AND STUFF:

My phone just clicked to inform me that this site now has 50 followers! Music to my ears! Thanks, guys! ❤

It’s occurred to me that I’m not as involved in this community as I probably should be. I’m slowly catching up on all the legacies I started reading a while back, but if I’m not already following yours please feel free to hook a sister up. Also, consider this an open call for simselves. I need more to throw in this town, since my own is such a failure.

Happy Simming!

-Sam