3.12 Ultima Ratio
Okay, I really need this to be over. I love you, Katana, but your reign must soon come to an end.
Katana: Maybe it will. I’m cursed, remember? LOL.
Razor: Well, now that we each have a foot in the grave, I suppose we are truly equals. What do you say?
I know, we’ve all had enough of this Sim Fu nonsense, but I wanted them to spar on equal terms (and in a more dramatic setting). Unfortunately, I ran out of dramatic music so I had to use an old Dance Dance Revolution favourite. Still, the barely-authentic “♥KIMONO PRINCESS♥” is a decent backdrop to what ended up being the most intense Sim Fu showdown I’ve witnessed.
I don’t know what’s going on with the lighting halfway through. Probably the video couldn’t contain its excitement.
Not that anyone cares, but here’s a short snippet of Dax’s China adventures. Rather than rummaging through trash cans, he was actually kind of useful this time.
He autonomously maxed his athletic skill, which he needs for my legacy scorecard his lifetime wish.
He also got inducted into a gang. I’ll bet he was happy about that.
And then they all moseyed home to Riverview and the bright blue skies of THANK THE HEAVENS IT’S FINALLY SPRING.
As a Canadian, spring weather makes me overexcited and often sentimental. So I piled this awkward bunch into a car and made for the Spring festival.
Dax: Tannie, I don’t like this kid. When can I put her down?
Katana: I’ll put you down.
I’ve made hints at Lance’s midlife troubles, but now I can finally present her to you in the flesh. THIS is what happened when she aged into an adult. THAT is a men’s hairstyle glitched onto a woman’s scalp. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
As you can see, Eddy has been blessed with the Eternal Plumber’s Cosplay, and their first daughter (Nadia) already looks like a snot. Somebody make them a sitcom, stat.
What am I talking about? This IS a sitcom, basically.
Dax: Not gon look… Not gon look… Just gon stick my hand in my butt instead.
Razor! What the hell!
June: You are a fine, sagely old man, Mr. Langurd.
Razor: Would you like to see my meditation garden?
Hey, what’s that in the background?
Never mind, I don’t want to know.
Lira: Did they not put the little blue butterflies like I asked?
Florin: Aha! What an eggcellent find! *snort*
Since Razor clearly is not in mourning anymore, I had him explore the other side of his sexuality. ‘Cause yeah, according to NRaaS, both he and Katana swing both ways.
Razor: What a strapping young lad you are.
Guy: It’s an honour, sir.
And then he swung the other way, only to find…
Katana: Hey Dad, know how you wanted me to make something of my life? Well, I think I’ve found it.
Katana: Come one, come all! There’s a 40% chance I won’t bite! And I didn’t have garlic for breakfast! Probably!
If we’d been in China or Egypt, that number would be much larger.
Aww look, it’s Daddy Razor and his favourite little girl. ❤
Razor: I hope you don’t mind me asking, darling, but — what are you doing with your life?
Lance: I’m throwing horseshoes!
And apparently they’re all landing upside-down.
I wanted to try out this match-o-meter thing, and Eddy was the only guy within arm’s reach. Oh well, nothing is too messed up for this legacy. And they scored pretty low anyway.
Katana: Well, I guess I’m not a husband thief. Not all of us can say the same.
Katana: I know Drachma’s not your kid, Dax, but you can’t just drop her in the shrubs.
Dax: Don’t know what you’re talking about.
Oh, right! Prom happened. For the first time, we have two rounds of prom this generation. The boyz had the first.
They were wimps and wore their outerwear on account of the MID-SPRING weather. Which was a shame, because I had these much cooler outfits planned for them:
Balboa: Dude, but it’s like 15 degrees Celsius out th—
No, you aren’t seeing things. It is true that Florin, our resident Loser, won Prom King, proving for all time that EAxis has zero discretion.
I just imagine he walked around all night going “Sick, bro!” at everything he saw.
But he scored himself a romantic interest, and she’s quite pretty too. Go figure.
Boa’s prom pop-ups were eerily cohesive in a Disney-esque kind of way.
The night begins on a high, fuelled by the naive enthusiasm of a fairytale princess.
Uh-oh, plot twist! Disappointment abounds.
Poor, downtrodden Balboa! What ever shall he do?
Why, become an independent princess, of course!
Moral of the story: I ain’t need no prince, son.
(Perhaps not so Disney after all.)
That night, for the first time ever, everyone in the house slept like babies.
Tewl: Fuckin’ Katana, what have yew dun to dis legacy? Yew dun turned it soft.
Tewl: A burfday party? I would be honurred to attend, yo.
You’re not invited, go away.
This could not come soon enough. Let’s take a moment to appreciate that we’re on Chapter 12, and we still have a grandparent kicking, and we still have heir candidates in the toddler stage. This legacy is a farce.
Lira: Mother, have you seen my Barrel of Monkeys?
Katana: Yeah, I think Drachma swallowed them all.
Drachma: *hack* *hack*
Here are the kiddified twins! As if they weren’t opposite enough, Drachma is now a Couch Potato and Lev a Workaholic. But there had to be something twinny about them, so I styled them in personality-appropriate sweaters. I also chucked Lev’s favourite colour out the window because grey just doesn’t scream Excitable or Eccentric. It’s murky teal from now on.
Love Day is upon us, and what better way to begin it than with Lira dancing her heart out, probably because somebody pulled the string in her back?
Lira: There’s a snake in my boot!
Or with Drachma being an oh-so-loving gamer?
Drachma: I said WAIT, you n00bs, don’t all go rushing in at once! Are you fucking thick? Your mothers must be disappointed in you. Oh wait, they’re all LLAMAS!
Razor: This concerns me.
As well it should, because it doesn’t end there…
We’ve got a feisty one on our hands.
Florin: I’m booooored. Why am I standing on the sidewalk in the middle of nooooowhere?
You’re waiting for your Love Day date, doofus. Didn’t think I’d let your undeniable charm go to waste, did you? 😉
Florin: Wait, that’s my date? She’s smokin’!
You know that. You saw her at prom.
Florin: I was drunk.
You were drinking Kool-Aid Jammers.
So yeah, this is Kacey, the girl Florin hit it off with at prom. I don’t know her lineage; in fact, she’s verging on Face One, so I suspect babysitter. But she’ll do for now.
Florin: Girl, you almost as pretty as the shooting star I saw in China.
Florin: Well, you can’t exactly fly, so…
Kacey: Haha, you bastard!
Florin: Hey, how’s she know I’m a bastard?
Florin: Stop making fun of my questionable parentage!!
Florin: Oh wait! You were being funny, right? It’s called a fight, but you’re not supposed to take it personally. My brother told me that once.
Kacey: Dude, just throw one back.
Said brother was across town, making nice with a girl who is literally smokin’ from the looks of those eyes.
Malissa: Are you like, that guy from the rollerskate park… thing?
Balboa: You remembered!
Malissa: I forgot that I remembered.
Balboa: Me too!
Sadly, he also literally wet himself from excitement.
Quick, get out of there before she finishes her joint.
Also on the schedule for Love Day festivities was a party at Lance and Eddy’s house. It was hip and happening and horribly, horribly 70’s.
Lev: Hey sis, whaddya say we liven this party up a bit?
Drachma: Dear god, please let’s.
Lev: Hey Mister, I’m Lev Langurd and this is my twin sister Drachma. We were wondering if you could settle a little dispute for us. Is our Auntie Lance a man or a woman?
Guy: NO ONE KNOWS.
Lev: Hear ye, hear ye! I beg leave to start referring to my Auntie Lance as “Uncle Lancelot”!
Lance: Really, Katana? This is how you raise your children?
Oh, she didn’t raise them.
Meanwhile, Dax abandoned all contempt for children who are not his to become the creepiest party guest of all time.
Dax: I just *sniff* really needed a hug.
And who knows, maybe Nadia will be technically “his” soon enough, with the way things are progressing.
Dax: I like sitting on grass!
Eddy’s obliviousness is painful and, in all likelihood, deliberate.
Eddy: Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Joleeeeeene!
Please don’t take my “man” indeed.
Somebody was singing a similar tune in the bathroom.
Katana: This party is dumb.
Oh, leave it be, Katana. They deserve each other.
“Leave it be” she did, and carted her youngest three off to Egypt.
Katana: Well, I’m off! Have fun rendering for the next three hours.
Lira: Primitive human flesh.
Lev: Guys, we’re in Egypt! This is so cool! I can build a house out of Egyptian sand and— oh look, a scorpion!
Lira: Shall we leave?
Drachma: Let’s leave.
Lev: Hi Scorpy-Scorpy! Oh, I could just take you home!
Sphinx: A red sun rises. Blood has been spilled tonight.
Katana: I’ll spill your blood.
Sphinx: I am stone.
Katana: I got a Pingu’s Axe. Bite me.
Drachma: Do you see that, Lev? The sky just turned red.
Lev: Well duh, it was Scorpy. He’s a magic scorpion you see.
Drachma: Hush with your stupid scorpion, we are probably going to die.
Nope, the only one in danger of death is Katana. Forever and always.
Mummy: I’m cooooming for youuu
Katana: Okay, just let me go for a quick swim first.
At last, she reached her destination at the heart of the Sphinx.
Anubis: You wish to be saved from death.
Katana: Nah, I’m good.
Anubis: But you have the Mummy’s Curse.
Katana: Damn straight I do. I’m a Mommy to five crazy brats and if that ain’t a curse, I don’t know what is. Take my soul, please. Kill me, whatever you gotta do. Just get me out of here.
Katana: The light! I can see the light!
Meanwhile at the Outdoor Living Extravaganza…
Drachma: Mom sure has been gone a long time. I wonder if those barrels are full of provisions. We should break into them.
Lev: These crumbs are starting to look reeeaal good.
And somewhere else, way on the other side of the country…
Lira: Free at last! A puppet without strings!
Lira: This will be ours, friend. We’ll fill the halls with Raggedy Anns and rocking horses and little green army men…
Lira: And of course my household guard of GI Joes and Buzz Lightyears! Heeheehee!
Evil sims are so predictable.
Drachma eventually got so desperate(ly bored) that I sent her to some random’s house. I then left her on Free Will, and five hours later…
This is what parental neglect looks like.
It’s a tragic tale, really.
Raffi & Family: Who’s this motherfucker camping in our front yard?
Katana: Surprise, bitches. I’m still alive.
And on a mission to bring down MorcuCorp. Coincidentally, Drachma’s networking led us straight to the hideout.
Fatima: You wouldn’t ruin my home and livelihood! I’m your daughter’s best friend!
Katana: What’s this, a secret switch?
Fatima: No, please!
Katana: Looks like you’re busted.
Fatima: I know nothing.
Katana then became a mega-haxor and retrieved a highly classified document.
Katana: It’s five thousand pages of “MorcuCorp Rulz” in Microsoft Word.
I felt bad for incarcerating Drachma’s best only friend, so I sent her in search of another one. Or rather, this raven popped out from under a rock and I had to have him.
Drachma: Hey, bird. Can you sing “Oh, Where Is My Mummy”?
Raven: Your Mummy is dead, foo’!
But really, if anyone in this family is going to have a pet raven…
Drachma: Here, you can have him. I don’t have time for a stupid bird.
Swimmer♂: How did I get here?
Swimmer♂: I challenge you to a Pokemon battle! Zombie, I choose you!
Lira (oblivious): Oh, thank you, sister! I’ll call him Dippy!
Yeah, I looked up “toy bird” and this is what I got. I think my brother had one once.
Home again, and back to “normal.” I gave the spooky-woods nursery an upgrade to accommodate the twins, and I’m far too fond of it. I kind of want to jump in there, it looks so cozy.
All five kids in one picture? This has got to be a first.
Katana: What the hell. Grab some food and join us, Lev.
Lev: Food? What’s food? I know only hunger.
The trip to Egypt may have had some lasting effects.
Also a first — kids on time for school!
…Until they got clogged up in the Confusion Brigade. So far, Riverview hates me.
Being accepted as a jock has given Dax even more disproportionate confidence in himself.
Dax: All the ladies wanna piece of this!
Dax: Hey, that’s not what my face looks like!
It totally is.
Some old men are just cooler than others. Whilst on a quest to pick some wildflowers, Razor suddenly stopped and made this face.
And the train keeps a-rollin’. But I have to stop here because sad. Even though I played this months ago and have looked at the screenshots at least a billion times since then.
Stay tuned for more, and hopefully soon because I’m SO ready for a new heir. World Adventures is killing me.
Posted on June 22, 2014, in Generashun 3 and tagged balboa, birthday, blood duel, china, date, dax, death, dippy, drachma, eddy, egypt, evil gnome, florin, ghost tewl, hax, katana, kissing booth, lance, lev, lira, love day, malissa, morcucorp, mummy, mummy's curse, nadia, o where is my mummy, party, prom, prom king, raven, razor, roller skating, romantic entanglements, selfie, spring festival, unrendered fools, video games, wildflowers. Bookmark the permalink. 20 Comments.