3.12 Ultima Ratio

Okay, I really need this to be over. I love you, Katana, but your reign must soon come to an end.

Screenshot-1518

Katana: Maybe it will. I’m cursed, remember? LOL.

Razor: Well, now that we each have a foot in the grave, I suppose we are truly equals. What do you say?

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I know, we’ve all had enough of this Sim Fu nonsense, but I wanted them to spar on equal terms (and in a more dramatic setting). Unfortunately, I ran out of dramatic music so I had to use an old Dance Dance Revolution favourite. Still, the barely-authentic “♥KIMONO PRINCESS♥” is a decent backdrop to what ended up being the most intense Sim Fu showdown I’ve witnessed.

I don’t know what’s going on with the lighting halfway through. Probably the video couldn’t contain its excitement.

Not that anyone cares, but here’s a short snippet of Dax’s China adventures. Rather than rummaging through trash cans, he was actually kind of useful this time.

daxautonomouslymaxesath

He autonomously maxed his athletic skill, which he needs for my legacy scorecard his lifetime wish.

daxisawingman

He also got inducted into a gang. I’ll bet he was happy about that.

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And then they all moseyed home to Riverview and the bright blue skies of THANK THE HEAVENS IT’S FINALLY SPRING.

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As a Canadian, spring weather makes me overexcited and often sentimental. So I piled this awkward bunch into a car and made for the Spring festival.

Dax: Tannie, I don’t like this kid. When can I put her down?

Katana: I’ll put you down.

Screenshot-1526

I’ve made hints at Lance’s midlife troubles, but now I can finally present her to you in the flesh. THIS is what happened when she aged into an adult. THAT is a men’s hairstyle glitched onto a woman’s scalp. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

As you can see, Eddy has been blessed with the Eternal Plumber’s Cosplay, and their first daughter (Nadia) already looks like a snot. Somebody make them a sitcom, stat.

Screenshot-1528

What am I talking about? This IS a sitcom, basically.

Dax: Not gon look… Not gon look… Just gon stick my hand in my butt instead.

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Razor! What the hell!

June: You are a fine, sagely old man, Mr. Langurd.

Razor: Would you like to see my meditation garden?

Hey, what’s that in the background?

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Never mind, I don’t want to know.

Lira: Did they not put the little blue butterflies like I asked?

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Florin: Aha! What an eggcellent find! *snort*

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Since Razor clearly is not in mourning anymore, I had him explore the other side of his sexuality. ‘Cause yeah, according to NRaaS, both he and Katana swing both ways.

Razor: What a strapping young lad you are.

Guy: It’s an honour, sir.

And then he swung the other way, only to find…

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Katana: Hey Dad, know how you wanted me to make something of my life? Well, I think I’ve found it.

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Katana: Come one, come all! There’s a 40% chance I won’t bite! And I didn’t have garlic for breakfast! Probably!

10.7

If we’d been in China or Egypt, that number would be much larger.

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Aww look, it’s Daddy Razor and his favourite little girl. ❤

Razor: I hope you don’t mind me asking, darling, but — what are you doing with your life?

Lance: I’m throwing horseshoes!

And apparently they’re all landing upside-down.

apply coldwater

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I wanted to try out this match-o-meter thing, and Eddy was the only guy within arm’s reach. Oh well, nothing is too messed up for this legacy. And they scored pretty low anyway.

Katana: Well, I guess I’m not a husband thief. Not all of us can say the same.

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Katana: I know Drachma’s not your kid, Dax, but you can’t just drop her in the shrubs.

Dax: Don’t know what you’re talking about.

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Oh, right! Prom happened. For the first time, we have two rounds of prom this generation. The boyz had the first.

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They were wimps and wore their outerwear on account of the MID-SPRING weather. Which was a shame, because I had these much cooler outfits planned for them:

Screenshot-1560Screenshot-1569

Balboa: Dude, but it’s like 15 degrees Celsius out th—

Shut up.

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No, you aren’t seeing things. It is true that Florin, our resident Loser, won Prom King, proving for all time that EAxis has zero discretion.

florinprom2
florinprom4

I just imagine he walked around all night going “Sick, bro!” at everything he saw.

florinprom3

But he scored himself a romantic interest, and she’s quite pretty too. Go figure.

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Boa’s prom pop-ups were eerily cohesive in a Disney-esque kind of way.

balprom1

under the sea

balprom2

The night begins on a high, fuelled by the naive enthusiasm of a fairytale princess.

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Uh-oh, plot twist! Disappointment abounds.

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Poor, downtrodden Balboa! What ever shall he do?

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Why, become an independent princess, of course!

balprom4

Moral of the story: I ain’t need no prince, son.

(Perhaps not so Disney after all.)

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That night, for the first time ever, everyone in the house slept like babies.

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Tewl: Fuckin’ Katana, what have yew dun to dis legacy? Yew dun turned it soft.

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Tewl: A burfday party? I would be honurred to attend, yo.

You’re not invited, go away.

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This could not come soon enough. Let’s take a moment to appreciate that we’re on Chapter 12, and we still have a grandparent kicking, and we still have heir candidates in the toddler stage. This legacy is a farce.

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Lira: Mother, have you seen my Barrel of Monkeys?

Katana: Yeah, I think Drachma swallowed them all.

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Drachma: *hack* *hack*

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Here are the kiddified twins! As if they weren’t opposite enough, Drachma is now a Couch Potato and Lev a Workaholic. But there had to be something twinny about them, so I styled them in personality-appropriate sweaters. I also chucked Lev’s favourite colour out the window because grey just doesn’t scream Excitable or Eccentric. It’s murky teal from now on.

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Love Day is upon us, and what better way to begin it than with Lira dancing her heart out, probably because somebody pulled the string in her back?

Lira: There’s a snake in my boot!

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Or with Drachma being an oh-so-loving gamer?

Drachma: I said WAIT, you n00bs, don’t all go rushing in at once! Are you fucking thick? Your mothers must be disappointed in you. Oh wait, they’re all LLAMAS!

Razor: This concerns me.

As well it should, because it doesn’t end there…

drachmawantstofight

We’ve got a feisty one on our hands.

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Florin: I’m booooored. Why am I standing on the sidewalk in the middle of nooooowhere?

You’re waiting for your Love Day date, doofus. Didn’t think I’d let your undeniable charm go to waste, did you? 😉

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Florin: Wait, that’s my date? She’s smokin’!

You know that. You saw her at prom.

Florin: I was drunk.

You were drinking Kool-Aid Jammers.

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So yeah, this is Kacey, the girl Florin hit it off with at prom. I don’t know her lineage; in fact, she’s verging on Face One, so I suspect babysitter. But she’ll do for now.

Florin: Girl, you almost as pretty as the shooting star I saw in China.

Kacey: Almost?

Florin: Well, you can’t exactly fly, so…

Screenshot-1602

Kacey: Haha, you bastard!

Florin: Hey, how’s she know I’m a bastard?

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Kacey: KABLAM!

Florin: Stop making fun of my questionable parentage!!

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Florin: Oh wait! You were being funny, right? It’s called a fight, but you’re not supposed to take it personally. My brother told me that once.

Kacey: Dude, just throw one back.

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Said brother was across town, making nice with a girl who is literally smokin’ from the looks of those eyes.

Malissa: Are you like, that guy from the rollerskate park… thing?

Balboa: You remembered!

Malissa: I forgot that I remembered.

Balboa: Me too!

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Sadly, he also literally wet himself from excitement.

Quick, get out of there before she finishes her joint.

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Also on the schedule for Love Day festivities was a party at Lance and Eddy’s house. It was hip and happening and horribly, horribly 70’s.

Lev: Hey sis, whaddya say we liven this party up a bit?

Drachma: Dear god, please let’s.

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Lev: Hey Mister, I’m Lev Langurd and this is my twin sister Drachma. We were wondering if you could settle a little dispute for us. Is our Auntie Lance a man or a woman?

Guy: NO ONE KNOWS.

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Lev: Hear ye, hear ye! I beg leave to start referring to my Auntie Lance as “Uncle Lancelot”!

Lance: Really, Katana? This is how you raise your children?

Oh, she didn’t raise them.

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Meanwhile, Dax abandoned all contempt for children who are not his to become the creepiest party guest of all time.

Dax: I just *sniff* really needed a hug.

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And who knows, maybe Nadia will be technically “his” soon enough, with the way things are progressing.

Dax: I like sitting on grass!

Eddy’s obliviousness is painful and, in all likelihood, deliberate.

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Eddy: Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Joleeeeeene!

Please don’t take my “man” indeed.

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Somebody was singing a similar tune in the bathroom.

Katana: This party is dumb.

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Oh, leave it be, Katana. They deserve each other.

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“Leave it be” she did, and carted her youngest three off to Egypt.

Katana: Well, I’m off! Have fun rendering for the next three hours.

Lira: Primitive human flesh.

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Lev: Guys, we’re in Egypt! This is so cool! I can build a house out of Egyptian sand and— oh look, a scorpion!

Screenshot-1652

Lira: Shall we leave?

Drachma: Let’s leave.

Lev: Hi Scorpy-Scorpy! Oh, I could just take you home!

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Sphinx: A red sun rises. Blood has been spilled tonight.

Katana: I’ll spill your blood.

Sphinx: I am stone.

Katana: I got a Pingu’s Axe. Bite me.

Screenshot-1659

Drachma: Do you see that, Lev? The sky just turned red.

Lev: Well duh, it was Scorpy. He’s a magic scorpion you see.

Drachma: Hush with your stupid scorpion, we are probably going to die.

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Nope, the only one in danger of death is Katana. Forever and always.

Mummy: I’m cooooming for youuu

Katana: Okay, just let me go for a quick swim first.

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At last, she reached her destination at the heart of the Sphinx.

Anubis: You wish to be saved from death.

Katana: Nah, I’m good.

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Anubis: But you have the Mummy’s Curse.

Katana: Damn straight I do. I’m a Mommy to five crazy brats and if that ain’t a curse, I don’t know what is. Take my soul, please. Kill me, whatever you gotta do. Just get me out of here.

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Katana: The light! I can see the light!

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Meanwhile at the Outdoor Living Extravaganza…

Drachma: Mom sure has been gone a long time. I wonder if those barrels are full of provisions. We should break into them.

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Lev: These crumbs are starting to look reeeaal good.

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And somewhere else, way on the other side of the country…

Lira: Free at last! A puppet without strings!

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Lira: This will be ours, friend. We’ll fill the halls with Raggedy Anns and rocking horses and little green army men…

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Lira: And of course my household guard of GI Joes and Buzz Lightyears! Heeheehee!

Evil sims are so predictable.

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Drachma eventually got so desperate(ly bored) that I sent her to some random’s house. I then left her on Free Will, and five hours later…

drachmamadeabestfriend

This is what parental neglect looks like.

owhereismymummy

It’s a tragic tale, really.

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Raffi & Family: Who’s this motherfucker camping in our front yard?

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Katana: Surprise, bitches. I’m still alive.

And on a mission to bring down MorcuCorp. Coincidentally, Drachma’s networking led us straight to the hideout.

Fatima: You wouldn’t ruin my home and livelihood! I’m your daughter’s best friend!

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Katana: What’s this, a secret switch?

Fatima: No, please!

Screenshot-33

Katana: Looks like you’re busted.

Fatima: I know nothing.

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Katana then became a mega-haxor and retrieved a highly classified document.

Katana: It’s five thousand pages of “MorcuCorp Rulz” in Microsoft Word.

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I felt bad for incarcerating Drachma’s best only friend, so I sent her in search of another one. Or rather, this raven popped out from under a rock and I had to have him.

Drachma: Hey, bird. Can you sing “Oh, Where Is My Mummy”?

Raven: Your Mummy is dead, foo’!

Screenshot-41

But really, if anyone in this family is going to have a pet raven…

Drachma: Here, you can have him. I don’t have time for a stupid bird.

ZING

Swimmer♂: How did I get here?

Screenshot-43

Swimmer♂: I challenge you to a Pokemon battle! Zombie, I choose you!

ZING

Zombie: ZOMBIEEEEE

Lira (oblivious): Oh, thank you, sister!  I’ll call him Dippy!

dippybird

Yeah, I looked up “toy bird” and this is what I got. I think my brother had one once.

Screenshot-44

Home again, and back to “normal.” I gave the spooky-woods nursery an upgrade to accommodate the twins, and I’m far too fond of it. I kind of want to jump in there, it looks so cozy.

Screenshot-47

All five kids in one picture? This has got to be a first.

Katana: What the hell. Grab some food and join us, Lev.

Lev: Food? What’s food? I know only hunger.

The trip to Egypt may have had some lasting effects.

Screenshot-49

Also a first — kids on time for school!

…Until they got clogged up in the Confusion Brigade. So far, Riverview hates me.

Screenshot-55

Being accepted as a jock has given Dax even more disproportionate confidence in himself.

Dax: All the ladies wanna piece of this!

Screenshot-58

Dax: Hey, that’s not what my face looks like!

It totally is.

Screenshot-65

Some old men are just cooler than others. Whilst on a quest to pick some wildflowers, Razor suddenly stopped and made this face.

Razor: Arabella?

Screenshot-68

Nooooo 😦

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

And the train keeps a-rollin’. But I have to stop here because sad. Even though I played this months ago and have looked at the screenshots at least a billion times since then.

Stay tuned for more, and hopefully soon because I’m SO ready for a new heir. World Adventures is killing me.

Happy Simming!

-Sam

About gryffindork7

I like cats. This is a really thorough bio.

Posted on June 22, 2014, in Generashun 3 and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 20 Comments.

  1. Ahhh nooo Razor! I’ll miss yoooou </3
    Katana at the kissing booth made me think of what it would be like if I tried to work at one and I got sad, lmao.
    I wish I could send my sim on awesome adventures, my game usually crashes when I try to travel. /megajealousyactivate
    Have you already chosen an heir? 🙂

    Like

    • 😦 He’ll be a kickass ghost though, just wait! At least I’m hoping so, or I may not be able to cope.
      Oh God, I would be cowering under the counter until my shift was over. That or giving out slaps instead. Personal space issues, man.
      Aww, yeah, I could never run WA on my old computer. Even now it’s pretty glitchy, and if it makes you feel any better, I’m already sick of it! 😛
      I have my preferences! But I’m completely torn as usual, so I’ll put it to the vote as soon as the girls age up. 🙂

      Like

  2. Oh my gosh, that video! I love the blueish clad, divorce, heckling paparazzi lady! I couldn’t stop watching her. And the girl in the background looking through the telescope. Of course, the Simfu battle was awesome too! Go Razor! And then oh, no more Razor. *sadness*

    I laughed so many times, but this one sticks out in my mind:
    Lev: These crumbs are starting to look reeeaal good.

    And Dax and his selfies! How funny! Always a blast, can’t wait for more!

    Like

    • I know, she walks in and out like seven times! She’s like “I’m done with this shit” and then “Hey hey, I’m back!” Random background lurkers are the best. I’m still sad about Razor, but he had a ridiculously long life. I’ll give you the actual figure at the start of next chapter, but seriously… he was one resilient sim.

      Like

  3. I finally got caught up!! I started reading this legacy MONTHS ago (too nervous to comment, obviously), and at last I’ve read through the whole thing 😀
    I’m glad to know that it’s not just my legacy family that are completely insane! I’ve had witches intent on burning everything, male heirs being derpy and stuck in walls/doors 24/7, a purple haired idiot inheriting the house and marrying a green skinned fairy (their kids are scary looking!) and the purple haired idiot’s twin sister being the most BORING sim alive until I “accidentally” gave her an elixir that turned her into a vampire and now I wish she was heir.

    ANYWAY, I seriously love this legacy 😀 I kinda wish Lance had won the last heir poll (boo me), but after reading through Katana and her spawn, I’m glad she won.
    Also, awesome with the Azula name! One of the boys in my legacy is named Zuko xD Korra s3!!!

    Can’t wait to start reading when you post and take part in an heir poll for once!

    PS – Razor 😥

    Like

    • Aww, don’t be nervous! As the most socially inept person on the planet, I am completely unable to judge anybody for anything they say… ever. So everyone is welcome here! XD

      First, thank you so so much for reading and dropping a comment! This blog can be a bit of a trek so I’m glad you’ve stuck it out to the most recent chapter.
      Second, your legacy sounds HILARIOUS and I’ve added it to my follow list, so I’ll be checking that out soon.
      Third, tbh, I had high hopes for Lance as well. I’m glad she’s been frequently present as a spare, even if she’s a total mess now.
      Fourth, UGH I really need to read your legacy now, just for Zuko!! Omg I love him. And Korra THIS FRIDAY!! Very excitement.

      I’ll try to get a new post and an heir poll up soon! Thanks again for commenting!

      Like

      • I think I’m the one who should be glad I stuck it out to here, and there wasn’t really much “sticking it out” more of “becoming obsessed”! xD
        To your second, that totally did not make me fangirl scream at the computer, waking my cat and causing him to sink his claws into my leg. However, the Webb Legacy isn’t the crazy one! My laptop crashed while I was only on Gen Two/Three 😦 It’s on Facebook (a special page between me and my friend – the link is on that blog!)
        I downloaded her and plopped her into my town… Maybe she’ll casually work her way into MY legacy 😛 If you don’t mind, of course xD
        Zuko isn’t actually IN the legacy yet xD He’s in my game, but I’m not caught up with pictures yet! The James save is having MAJOR lag and crashing issues….

        Yes! I can’t wait to vote 😀

        Like

  4. Razor! Well, he lived to be approximately a million. I have mixed feelings about my favorite sims who live that long. I need the !@#$ house space.

    I love high-level Sim Fu sparring. Best skill animations in the game. Dude.

    I also love WA, but the whole not aging thing kicks you in the ass. My favorite sim (Charles the ghost) had the Visa Level 3 LTW, and holy crap I was sick of it too. In fact, it ended melodramatically because I got so sick of traveling that I forgot to send him on his final trip until he was 90. Then his adventure glitched and he almost didn’t get that last Visa level. He got it 12 hours before going home, then auto-returned to the Netherworld before he was eligible to travel again. DAAMN.

    I’m not sure which of the brat patrol I would choose for heir. Lira is very convincingly creepy, but I also really dig Eccentric so Lev intrigues me.

    Dax needs to wreck Lance’s non-marriage (they never did get married did they?) and move out with her before he dies. He’s been an elder for a while now, hasn’t he? FIX HER HAIR AUghgha;lkjatought.

    Like

    • It’s both a blessing and a curse. In Razor’s case, I was still waiting for the kids to age up anyway, and his extra longevity helped him break the 200k mark for lifetime happiness. So I’m not complaining.

      Oh, that sounds like such a pain! This is by far the most work I’ve ever put into an LTW. And I thought Razor’s and Ara’s were difficult…

      Haha, I like your assessment of the kids! Lira and Lev are possibly my favourites, though not necessarily my preferences for heir. It’s funny, I wanted “Lira and Lev” to be the twins of this generation ’cause it has a nice ring to it, but fate would have it otherwise.

      You’re right – I moved them out as boyfriend and girlfriend for kicks, and they haven’t seen fit to tie the knot. And yep, Dax is getting old. I’ve been playing by the wishes he rolls because I don’t want to force anything. I suppose I should fix Lance’s hair… but it’s too funny. XD

      Like

  5. Oh my gosh, I can just picture Lira crawling out of the computer screen and doing whattever that girl from The Ring does. In my school experiences, it always seems that the random guy nobody has ever seen before always ends up being Prom King/Valedictorian/Most Likely to Win Life. What’s up with Lance; he kindof has a man’s face but a woman’s body? Oh dear, goodbye Razor!

    Like

    • I love the IDEA of prom king/queen, but I hate the implementation. One of my active family always wins, and when I have multiple teens of the same sex, it seems to go to whoever gets in the door first. Not cool.

      Like

      • Exactly! I swear Lance only got it because Katana was, er, fashionably late. There’s even a “game tip” on the start-up screen that says “Sims with more friends are more likely to win prom king/queen,” which is bullcrap. My sims never have any friends. 😛

        Like

  6. Nooo, Razor! ;'( He was the greatest ass-kicking sim grandpa ever! I’m trying to catch up to your current update and now it’s so bittersweet. And I know it wasn’t in this chapter but I have to say that naming the kids after foreign currency was incredibly clever. When I saw the name Balboa a while back my first thought was “As in Rocky?” The ‘derp’ was strong in me that day. -_-

    Like

    • Wooo, you’re almost caught up! I think I’m due for an overdose of your blog, too! 🙂 Even though Razor put in a LOT of time in this legacy, it won’t be the same without him. And hehe, I may or may not think the same thing every time I read his name… so you’re not that far off. 😛

      Like

  7. Aaah Razor. Noooo! It’s always sad when a cool sim dies.

    Loved the Egypt trip with the girls. They are all very awesome. Loved Drachmas face in her aging up pic.. And Lev has awesome clothes. But Lira remains my favorite of Katana’s offspring.

    Like

    • I love Drachma’s faces, too – she’s Katana’s child through and through, that one. And I’m glad you like Lira! I could actually go on for hours justifying why each of them should be heir… so I will leave the (in)decision up to you! >:)

      Like

  8. Oh no Razor!!! I hate when beloved sims die. It sucks =(
    “Lev: Hey Mister, I’m Lev Langurd and this is my twin sister Drachma. We were wondering if you could settle a little dispute for us. Is our Auntie Lance a man or a woman?
    Guy: NO ONE KNOWS.” IM DYING.
    I’m glad Katana got rid of the mummy curse! =)

    Like

  9. “Lev: Hear ye, hear ye! I beg leave to start referring to my Auntie Lance as “Uncle Lancelot”!”

    Heh, Lev’s the one to talk, with her undeniably male name. It seems like a little tradition of Langurds: a girl with a male name once in a generation. Lance for the 2nd Gen, Lev for the 3rd, I wonder if this will continue further…

    RIP Razor The Bestest Gramps, he’ll be missed 😦

    Like

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