4.1 Come Play with Me

Long ago some words were said:

“I’ll finish a legacy ‘fore I’m dead!”

And this one here was going well

Until it all just went to hell

Because you see I’m really lazy

And I can’t think of a rhyme for that so the poem is over now.

*   *   *

So yeah… remember that thing about getting to Generation Six before the end of the year?

Happy 2015! This gal is nowhere near her winter years.

Lira: What are you talking about? Now that I’m in charge, all the years are winter!

Nice try, Elsa, but we’re still having this problem.

Flaming Paparazzi: 911, help me!!

Weston: Dude, I’m a paramedic, not a firefighter.

*faint echoes of “trolololol…” into the distance*

Weston: Next time, I’m letting him die.

That’s some talk from an EMS worker.

We’re also still having this problem.

Stranger: Hi Katana, I wasn’t invited to your party but I got here two hours early because I looooooove you! Did I say that out loud?

And this one.

Drachma: Who you callin’ a problem?

I was really pleased when Drachma got some unexpected love in the heir poll. I’d like to say the same about Drachma herself, but y’know.

I guess I should take a breather here and do the usual groundwork. It’s been so long that I’ve forgotten where I left things, so I can hardly expect you all to remember. Well, after a dramatic falling-out with her first husband, Katana remarried—to Weston, the father of her twins. He tried his best (and a little more) to fit in with the family, like a thirty-year-old teacher trying desperately to feel like a student. The kids were having none of it and decided it was about time to overthrow Westana. Lira won the heir poll, but I got all indecisive and declared a dual heirship with Balboa. Which does not entail incest, just so we’re clear.

And now, moving on to this chapter’s raison d’être: You’re all invited to a pool party at the Langurds’! It’s time for some fun in the sun to celebrate the dawn of a new era, and oh, by the way, there are two vacancies for Legacy Spouse so start strippin’, townie folk!

Not you, Cargo Shorts. You can go home.

You too, Azula. You’re like 40 and it’s just not fair.

Azula: Y’all ready to get turnt?

Boa & Lira: What’s that mean, Ma?

Katana: Nothing. Go talk to your Uncle Tomahawk.

Out back, we have the Sunset Valley Diving Championship.

Lev: Try not to make too much of a splash.

Drachma: You watch your mouth, Twiggie. I’m a graceful swan.

Lev: Unbelievable.

And guess what, Lira’s siblings still don’t want to hang out with her. I wonder why.

Lira: Nice try, Prospector Pete. There’s only one “mint” doll this side of the river.

Lira: And just for kicks, I will become the only mint doll on that side of the river too!

And on the bottom of the river, once that snowsuit gets all waterlogged.

Inside, Florin was still pushing his luck with Kacey, his completely implausible prom hook-up. And look, it’s everyone’s favourite Auncle Lance!

Lance: Sooooo? Where did you two kooky kids meet?

Florin: Auntie, do you mind?

Lance: Mind what?

Boa’s favourite aunt is a little more useful, even if their relationship is borderline creepy at times.

Azula: So you’re an heir, too? It doesn’t seem right that you’re getting so little screen time. You know, I could help you raise your standing, stage a coup or something.

Balboa: Really? Sweet!

And here’s Aunt Gabby for a bad-aunt hat trick. Seriously, can we stay on decent terms with any of our extended family?

Gabby: Nice outfit, but why the flippers?

Lev: YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE.

I have to say, this generation is shaping up to be a cakewalk in the romance department—for the boys at least. Granted, Boa’s stoner girl promises some interesting genetics (and my god, that hair), but where’s the fun in Face Ones?

Balboa: Wanna get baked?

Malissa: Already am, bro.

Tommy: Wow, Katana, I had no idea your firstborn was such a high achiever.

Katana: What can I say, kids will be kids.

Katana: Stop making me look bad.

Tommy: By all means, continue!

Damn spares, so bitter and judgmental…

…and they breed the weirdest kids. Meet Nadia, eldest daughter of Lance and Eddie.

Kacey: Um, is everyone in your family this voyeuristic and creepy?

Nadia: Durrrrr.

Florin: Who cares, let’s do the Tongue Tango.

Kacey: Nice try. You know I’m way out of his league, right?

Hey lady, respect the fourth wall. (And yeah, duh.)

Florin, blogging: Womens R sooooo confusing!!! :S

13 people in the wide web: We feel ya, bro!

Florin: Man, why am I such a loser?

Aww buddy, you’re not a— well, yeah, you are. You need to find yourself a mentor and up your game.

Ah, the middle-aged dirtbag. A wise choice.

Tommy: Lesson number one – you gotta learn how to trash talk.

Florin: Garbage cans! Rotten potatoes and smelly diapers!

Tommy: That’s not quite how it works…

And on that day, this became their theme song.

OH, COME ON. Must all of Katana’s husbands be hijacked by her younger, more attractive siblings? Is Tomahawk sleeping around with Sun Young Kim?

Gabby: Not if he doesn’t want a pitchfork to the face.

Lira: I’m on the other side of the river now. Ha-ha!

If this is all the entertainment you have to offer as heiress, then you’re fired.

Azula: “More attractive” my ass. That you would even put me in the same league as that thing…

Jeez, you’re right. I don’t even know what “that thing” is anymore.

Dunce 4EVA ❤

Balboa: This is how you duckface.

Weston: Am I doing it right?

What did I say about the fourth wall, people? It’s a very fragile thing!

Weston: Now I’m a sad duck.

Balboa: Righteous.

Lev: So I was thinking, it would be good if I learned how to drive.

Katana: Why? You get that power automatically at your next birthday.

Five minutes later.

Katana: Good, good. Now let me see you pop a wheelie.

Dax: Your seat, master.

Boa: Dad wtf.

Drachma: This is why I never eat with you guys.

Take note of Florin with the chopsticks, i.e. my first sim bred with the Asian Culture trait! This must be the first sit-down meal he’s ever had — otherwise I just don’t pay him much attention…

Florin: *sob*

…but that’s because I’ve got this one on my hands, with her random urges to go for midnight jogs.

Lira: I must go to my thotful spot.

I’m sure the back of a police car is not what she had in mind.

Officer: What were you doing out so late, young lady?

Lira: I have… thoughts.

Officer: Is that right. Sounds like you’d better come with me to the station.

Meanwhile, this one was roaming the streets in a bikini, completely forgotten, and rode right past the cop car on a motorbike despite never completing her “driving lesson.” Repercussions? None.

Lev: It’s ‘cause I’m a natural badass.

Of course you are, Miss Straight-A-Debate-Club-Checkout-Chick.

Dax: No fair, you rode in a cop car? Did they let you play with the lights?

Lev: *waits patiently for punishment never to come*

And the doll got back inside her box just in time for sunrise.

Sometimes it’s scary how well my screenshots fit.

Lev: So this is how you spend every day of your life?

Drachma: Think of a better way, I dare you.

Drachma’s got the right idea, if you ask me. Katana’s life is a perfect example of what happens when you go outside.

Dax: Lancie says you’re an evil B-word and I gotta learn how to stand my ground. So we came up with an ultimatron for you: it’s me or the house.

Katana: I’ll take the house.

Next up on “I’m a Natural Badass”: Who wore it better?

This guy…

…or this toad?

Boa: Whoops, I had an alchemy accident. Can you fix me?

Cashier: *sigh* No, you have to go find your true love and stuff. Why don’t people know this?

I don’t remember what this screenshot is for but oooh, look at all the pretty riches! Maybe it was to show that Katana’s life of adventuring hasn’t been entirely for nought. Or perhaps to remind me that HOLY CRAP, it’s not actually over yet, because her LTW is still incomplete and that fact has apparently escaped me until now. GOOD GOING, SAM. OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL SIMMER RIGHT HERE.

Dax’s adventures, however, must come to an end. He’s just not the athlete he used to be. Rumour has it, the team’s been hopping the bingo bus for the last three months, giving autographs to dementia patients.

Dax: And now I will retire to the English countryside!

Dax: This isn’t the English countryside.

Nope, it’s the swaying vortex of old farthood. Enjoy it!

Dax: No thanks, don’t think I will. Come to Daxie, sparkles!

Grim: Alright, Mr. Batshit. You’re up.

Dax: Oh, goody! I’d like a pony and a walkman and a Batmobile, please!

Grim: None of those left. I got one cold, hard hole in the ground.

Drachma: Your routine needs work, man.

So she took Death aside and gave him some pointers.

Drachma: You gotta drop the lukewarm sarcasm, buddy. It’s just not cutting it. Get a smoke machine and some animatronics up in there, maybe a backing track.

Grim: I know a dead guy with an orchestra.

Drachma: Now you’re talking.

Meanwhile, there was one person who, unexpectedly, stayed at the sorry scene longer than all the rest.

Katana: Get this camera off me. I refuse to cry over you, Dorkface.

♪ And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills… ♫

Thanks, iTunes Shuffle, your timing is impeccable. Thirty seconds more and this scene would have been set to “Boom Shaka Laka” by Flo Rida.

*ahem* I am definitely not reusing Arabella’s obituary shot, because I definitely remembered to take one for Dax.

Today we say “buh-bye” to a Superstar Athlete, but not really, because I think he got demoted once after he reached his lifetime wish. He lived to the ripe age of 96 days despite his continuously deteriorating mental state. It is still unclear if he was clinically insane or just obnoxious. He barely broke 60k in happiness points, probably due to moving in as an old man, but he did max out the athletic skill and garner 7 fishing points without my ever being aware he was an angler. He must have fished in a lot of swimming pools.

Well, that’s Dax in a nutshell. Moving on.

Florin: Since when do we live with a toad?

Drachma: I hear it’s what happens when you can’t find a girlfriend.

Florin: Yikes! I’mma go make an online dating profile!

Fear not, young ones, for there are plenty of frogs in the pond. Or the artificial fishery, if you please.

Malissa: Whoa man, I must be tripping. Your head looks just like a toad’s.

Balboa: Nah bruh, I mixed some bad herbs and mushrooms. Now I have to get kissed by a beautiful princess in the rain.

Malissa: Righteous.

Malissa: Hold still, I can’t see straight.

Malissa: Duuuude, you’re like a firefly with arms!

Boa: Fireflies are tasty.

And love started to blossom between princess and toad.

Balboa: Thanks.

Malissa: No worries.

Balboa: For getting rid of that gross haircut.

Malissa: What?

Lev: This is so unfair. I’ll never find true love while I’m stuck on a homework date with dirty plates.

Ah, the curse of being a hopeless romantic workaholic.

If she’s not out and about or doing homework, you can usually find her in the ex-laundry room, clocking overtime for her job at the grocery store.

Lev: Dear Mr. Jones, we appreciated your business today. I hope you are satisfied with your purchase of a loaf of bread. If you experience any difficulties with it, don’t hesitate to call. Furthermore, I would like to present you with a 10% off coupon, redeemable in the bakery section only. Does not apply to bagels or specialty tortillas. Also please take this customer satisfaction survey. Tell them Lev Langurd sent you. Love me please. Sincerely, your faithful cashier.

#overkill

But hey, at least she’s making use of what used to be a beautiful eco oasis…

*sniff* RIP laundry machines, sledgehammered for the sake of laziness.

And let’s not forget “a second bathroom, where hopefully no important events will happen because it’s impossible to photograph in there.”

You bastard.

You’re excused.

And this, friends, is why I pushed for dual heirship. Because I am shallow and could not be made to part with these genetics.

His LTW is Alchemy Artisan, and he rolled Equestrian–which, let’s be honest, I’ll never find a way to work into his personality.

Nor will I figure out what to do with his bizarre resemblance to Bernard the Elf.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

And that’s a wrap. Man, am I ever rusty. I can feel the joints creaking with every forced joke. But my last semester of university (!) seemed like a great time to get sidetracked, so here I am, waking up at 5am to bang out a few captions each day. I hope some of you are still here, too!

Happy Simming!

Sam

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