4.2 There’s a Snake in My Boot!

Howdy, partner!  No, actually, I refuse to start a chapter that way even in jest. Instead, let me start it by saying I BOUGHT THE SIMS 4! It was on for half price, and—having over-budgeted for groceries for the year—I thought I would treat myself. You know, to make up for those nights when I had a microwaved potato and some vanilla frosting for dinner. I made one sim, put her in a lot, then got bored and quit. But that’s okay, because my attention span right now is about as broad as a WOULD YOU LOOK AT THE TIME, I have to go watch Game of Thrones.

In the Land of Langurds, Dax’s death reminded me that Katana is no spring chicken herself—nor, for that matter, is she a seasoned chicken traveler as she set out to become so long ago. For shame. You might say that Old Peabrain gave us the little push we needed to seek greatness. However, he also gave us a bunch of shitty moodlets to hinder the pursuit of said greatness.

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But you know, sometimes the first stage of grief is “press a button and magically get over it.”

Katana: Wow, I’m not sad anymore. Oh wait… I never was.

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And the second stage is “don’t give a shit about anything, let’s get wasted.”

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And the third is “learn to make your own booze so you will always have an endless supply.”

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And the fourth is “become king of France because you are the king of wine and really do the French care about anything else?”

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Disclaimer: I do not condone this steep descent into alcoholism.

That pretty much sums up Katana’s travels, so let’s get back to Riverview.

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Lira: Math class is tough!

Get out.

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Florin: Hey Lira, what happens if I go in this shiny box?

Lira: Do you fancy being bedazzled and decked out with dolly accessories?

Florin: Yipes!

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Balboa: Did somebody say “bedazzled”?

Aha, there you are! You can’t hide from the makeover table forever!

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Balboa: Ionno how I feel about this “real clothes” thing. Where’s my pyjamas at?

On your legs, dumbass. And just for that, I’m putting this face on the website banner.

Balboa: No wait, I—

HAHA TOO LATE.

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Balboa: Hey Egyptian girl, I just found out how to send a message without using your fingers! How cool is that?

Arabella: He’s making a phone call, isn’t he?

Katana: Yep.

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Just five space rocks chillin’ on the front balcony for no reason at all.

Space rocks: We come in peace!

#foreshadowing

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Lira: I can’t sleep, Brother. I’m having nightmares about Papa.

Balboa: Dude, what do you think I’m doing right now?

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Lira: Can I tell you a secret? I think I know who murdered him.

Balboa: But he wasn’t—

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Lira: It was… THE CLAW!

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Lira: Which is why I must renounce the world of toys forever and become a real girl!

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Lira: Oh dear… what have I done?

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Lira: Dear Porcelain Gods, what can I do to redeem myself?

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Lira: Of course! Duct tape!

This was all autonomous. It bodes really well for the rest of the generation, you’ll see.

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Everyone was surprisingly cut up over Dax. Even his replacement had a breakdown in front of his stepson’s aged-up romantic interest prom date… thing. Dammit Katana, your romantic exploits have made these things so difficult.

Kacey: Cheer up, buttercup!

Weston: I miss the good times we had together. I’m gonna go eat powdered doughnuts and make a heartfelt collage.

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Legitimately the only two pictures I have of them together. Touching, isn’t it?

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Meanwhile, the love of his life was quite ready to pick up and move on as if Dunce had never been </3

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While we’re talking extended family, remember when this happened? They sure took their time about it, but…

YESSSSLANGURDDARROCHBABY
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The Langurds and the Darrochs have finally cross-contaminated! (Really, that’s the only term that seems fitting for them.)

After giving birth, Azula discovered the power of invisibility.

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Kacey: So listen, I had this realization that I’m like two days older than you and that’s just disgusting. We’re over.

Florin: Are you sure? ‘Cause I’m totally into cougars.

Kacey: No.

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Weston: I hear you’re looking for somebody more mature…

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Kacey: Ew, gross! Aren’t you married? To Florin’s MOM?

Weston: So?

Tbh, the cardigan and sweats are really selling it.

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Boa: Dad died on these stairs…

You’re right, LET’S NEVER USE THEM AGAIN.

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Weston: When was the last time you went outside?

Drachma: Outside is a state of mind.

Weston: Oh my. Let’s you and I go play some catch, okay?

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Drachma: Look, Dad! I’m really doing it! I’m frolicking outside and I’m having so much fun!

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Weston: That’s the spirit!

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WHOMP

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Drachma: What the fuck Dad. I’m never going outside again.

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Yep, it’s back to Netflix and bi-hourly snack breaks. Drachma is my hero!

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Katana: What is this, a military base for ants?

Lira: No Ma, I’m building that one now.

Yes, it’s that time again—the part of the generation where I realize my heirs have no useful skills, no prospective story arc, and no real value whatsoever. So I stick them in a dark wooden box and force them to find their calling. #notslavery

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Or, in Boa’s case, throw them out on the streets to gather bugs because they already have a calling and dammit, there’s work to do! #notneglect

But wait, what’s that going on the background?

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It’s a gathering of farm-town folk, picnicking under the Riverview sunset! Simselves included!!

Sam: People suck. Where dem cats.

Audrey: If you don’t mind, I’m trying to have a conversation with you.

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Sam: Well gee, why don’t I go to outer space so I can hear you better?

Audrey: Eek. You should stick to blogging.

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I watched them for so long, hoping they’d become friends…

Audrey: Er, music?

Sam: I hate music.

…but it’s clear that Sim Sam doesn’t know how to Sam.

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I stayed away so long that I almost missed this happening.

Lira: I’m going to die like my father!

Balboa: Cool, bro.

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Florin: How can you just sit there and play games when our stepfather is dead?

Drachma: You’re right, I forgot how close you two were.

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Good times.

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Finally, a change of scenery.

Westana: *make-out noises*

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Weston: I miss Dax.

OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

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Lev: Can I tell you a secret? Lira’s out after curfew and Boa’s doing drugs! Aren’t I your favourite daughter now?

Katana: Omg yeah, let’s take selfies in matching outfits!

Lev: Really?!

Katana: No.

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Lev’s tattles did have an element of truth to them. And by that I mean…

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…she hit the nail on the head, baby.

I could say the same for Echo Weaver, who thought this generation should be titled “The Psycho and the Druggie.” You guys have no idea. NO IDEA.

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And since we’re trying to fit everyone to neat little boxes, I ordered a companion for our most spinstery spare.

Driver: Rock-a-bye, kitty, bye-bye you go… La la la la, and I’m in the dough. Oh, Edgar, you sly old fox! *wheels spinning*

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Oh look, a poor abandoned Aristocat! Why not take her in, let her melt your stony heart and redirect your maternal instinct?

Drachma: What are you trying to insinuate?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

Drachma: Whatever. I’m going back inside.

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Yeah because those three steps out the gate were such an ordeal.

(Kitty’s name is Zorba, after Drachma’s Greek roots and specifically the coolest dance ever, which you can learn step-by-step from a couple of drunk guys here.)

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Naturally, Lira got arrested again for terrorizing the suburbs jogging. Like, heaven forbid I should go for a run after dark. I might get assaulted and that’s TOTALLY MY FAULT.

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Balboa: You rain shame upon this family!

Lira: Is that any way to speak to your co-heir? Why don’t you sneak off and inhale some more fumes in the shed?

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And that’s just what he did.

Boa: ……No……

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Now that her kids are the family screw-ups, Katana has taken the opportunity to develop some ambition. She rolled the wish to get a job in business, and since she’s closing in on her LTW and has to rest between trips anyway, I let her go for it.

Katana: Cocaine and prostitutes, here I come!

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Her layabout husband also found an ambition of sorts…

Weston: Run like the wind, Bullseye!

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Weston: I just blue myself. Heheheheh

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Balboa: It’s started, hasn’t it? You can never turn back!

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Balboa: Go hard or go home!

Weston: What the hell is this?

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Balboa: A new brew I’m testing.

Weston: You’ve killed me! I’m dying!

Balboa: Okay, I’ll put that in my notes.

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Really, ‘cause it looked like an accident.

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Weston: Hyuunnnnghhh?

YEAH ZOMBIES

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I LOVE ZOMBIES. Daryl, where you at with your crossbow? Katana, when you come home please bring your Michonne with you k thanks.

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Well, it’s not Michonne, but we were paid a visit by a familiar face! I say “familiar” because “friendly” is pushing it with Auntie Lance’s genes.

Nadia: My mom says this place is stupid.

Your mom dated the stupidest part of this place.

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I don’t remember who brought her home, but she picked the most charming of the clan to hang out with.

Nadia: Do you ever get overwhelmed by human existence? Like we’re all lonely souls walking through the fog, just trying to come out the other side?

(The Arts Major gene is strong with this one.)

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Drachma: Build a bridge and get over it!

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Weston: Hyunghunggungungghh!

You’re not even a zombie anymore.

Weston: Oh, right.

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Token Florin appearance ahoy!

Florin: Pink is the new green.

Tune in next chapter for more of your favourite loser.

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Lira: I’ve done it! I’ve created a dog toy for ants!

Only Dax’s offspring could out-dumb Zoolander. Maybe just be a toymaker and call it a day?

Lira: What a great idea!

I know, right? 😉

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Weston: I’m old. My back hurts.

Yeah, yeah. Go pick up that chunk of metal behind you.

And now it’s time for…

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Ceremonial torch-passing desert voyage and sentimental crap out the wazoo!

Almost rendered impossible by…

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I don’t think so, Mister! You don’t have that kind of power!

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Lira: Last one to the top loses heirship!

*leisurely strolls all around*

Fine, I see how much this means to both of you.

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Lira: I’m still waiting.

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Lira: It’s alright, I’ll graciously share my crown for now.

Balboa: You mean until I have cuter kids.

Lira: Challenge accepted.

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Lira: But serious question, how do you expect to lead a family while jacked up on toxic substances?

Like that’s worse than “jacked up on insanity and hereditary evil.” Please, guys, let’s just accept that YOU ARE BOTH GOING TO FAIL.

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Katana: Hey there, Snakey-Wakey! You look nice and poisonous!

KATANA WHAT ARE YOU DOING

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Katana: Gimme a kiss! C’mon, just a little one?

STOP

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Katana: Lol wouldn’t you love it if I died right now?

WHY IS MY ANGST SUCH A JOKE TO YOU?

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Much as Katana has trolled me over the past year and a half (I checked) I think I might miss her once these two take the reins.

Lira: I am the ghost of Christmas Past! From now on you will never sleep past seven-thirty!

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(Five minutes later)

Balboa: AAGGGGHHHHHHHHH!

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Lira: Aaaand that’s one for Instagram.

Balboa: Oh dear…

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Balboa: *sobbing*

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Balboa: *sobbing*

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Balboa: *founds a cult*

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Lira: See, world? See how unfit this bag of volatile human flesh is to rule your legacy? REVEL IN MY POISE AND SWEET DISPOSITION!

Balboa: Did somebody say Instagram?

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Right, guys. Never mind your mother brushing arms with death a gazillion times.

Katana: The door just locked. I have no food.

Bonesy: That’s what I said.

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Katana: There must be food in here.

Bonesworth: That’s what I said.

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Katana: Oh my god, please let there be magical rain!

Pile of cinders on the ground: That’s what I said.

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Katana: Ah, we meet again.

Rock: I do hope you have gotten as wise as you have old.

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Yeah, no kidding.

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Katana: Don’t worry, I now have the axe of a plasticine penguin!

Rock: Oh, goodie.

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[Voiceover] Katana’s time was running out in more ways than one. As she exited the tomb, anxious to report back on her mission before the country deported her, she was being pursued by the MorcuCorp heiress. [/end voiceover]

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Balboa: Sweet, Egyptian Girl just texted me! She says “Where yo mama at.” That sounds kinky!

Lira: My dearest Dippy, let’s enjoy our last moments together, as you disappear without explanation in the chapters to come!

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Boa’s cluelessness may have done us a favour this time, because Katana made it to her Mission Master with seconds to spare.

Katana: Give me the points.

Lady: I don’t know, do you think you could go and find me some fo—

Katana: FUCK NO

katanaegyptvsa

katanaltw

:’)

Never touching this LTW again if I can help it.

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And when they arrived home, the trip had made them closer than ever Katana murdered her two children with a rainbow umbrella.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

In today’s edition of “Great Times to Publish a Chapter”: I’m about to head off to the last exam of my university career! No, I haven’t really studied. I’ve been winging it for four years so why change anything now?

Also,

ANRXZRd

You’re welcome

Goodbye

Thanks for reading

I’ll reply to your comments just as soon as I get back ❤

Happy Simming!

-Sam

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About gryffindork7

I like cats. This is a really thorough bio.

Posted on April 16, 2015, in Generashun 4 and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 19 Comments.

  1. It’s so epic to see an update from you. Funny enough, I just went and re-read the rest of this legacy the other day and hoped to see an update soon. So I was already caught up when this uploaded :D.
    I’ll seriously miss Katana when she’s gone, she was so entertaining and I loved the personality that you wrote out for her. I hope Lira and Balboa will be just as entertaining and produce funny and adorable children :3.

    Like

    • Wooo, good to see you again! 😀 That’s super lucky and wow, kudos to you for re-reading it all, I know the stuff at the beginning is a little bit tedious. I like to think my humour has become more compact and concise over the years. 😛 I’ve played through most of this next generation — in fact, I’m about to start up the game and try to reach that last teen birthday. So I can tell you for certain that there are adorable children on the horizon… and personally, I think they are ridiculous in unprecedented Langurd fashion. 😉

      Thanks for commenting! I really must catch up on your legacy pursuits when I get the chance. 🙂

      Like

  2. Another update, woop! This was truly halerious, and I have missed your writing and the Landgurds forever and a half. Hope you did well in your exam, and yeah sims 4 isn’t the best just base game, but the expansions are awesome and promising so maybe it will get better, we can all hope eh?

    I have to say lira is still my favourite, but both seem as clueless as the other, and lazy as ever. Looking forwards to the next chapter, these always make me want to start a legacy, but I really should revise, I’ve got some exciting exams soon as well.

    Like

    • Thanks for the well wishes! It actually went pretty well, or at least, I don’t think it could have been improved by not writing this chapter. 😛 The expansions do look pretty cool — we’re finally going to be able to follow them to work properly, right? I’m taking it slow this time, waiting for reviews and sales before I buy anything, so you’ll have to keep me updated on if it gets any better!

      They are pretty much on par in the stupidity department. Good luck with your exams, and with your legacy if you decide to do one (which you should!).

      Like

  3. LMAO, I did the same thing as Sam, reread the Langurds. Because they’re that awesome. Or possibly because I have no life, your choice 😉

    Your simself certain knows how to Sim in my games – she’s currently shacked up with Shark Racket while pregnant with another man’s baby and rocketing to the top of the criminal career.

    I really love Lira, she’s so brilliantly psycho. And Balboa’s makeover is epic, love that he has fluffy sheep jammies for all his outfits. Can’t wait to see who they pick as their spouses.

    Like

    • Well jeez, if I pick the first one I’ll sound up myself, and if I pick the second I’ll insult you… XD But in any case, I’m super flattered you re-read it all! Makes me worried that I should go back and edit the earlier chapters, if people are still reading them. I was like… 19 back then! 😛

      HAHAHA. So basically, she has fulfilled my life’s ambitions. Well done. I can’t seem to remember, have you given me a simself to put in my game? If not, you should. I’m terrible at keeping track of them all, but I do love watching their antics.

      I’m so excited to write the rest of this generation… the spouse stuff should be coming up soon!

      Like

  4. “….And just for that, I’m putting this face on the website banner.”

    *Scrolls up* X’D It’s perfect.

    Best wishes for that exam. 😉

    Like

  5. Good luck on your last exam!

    I love that Lira and Balboa are doing the joint heir. I had almost forgotten about that. I can’t wait to see who they get for spouses and what their offsping will look like.

    Like

    • Thanks so much! 😀 I’m dancing with joy for being done now. It’s the best feeling.

      It’s shaping up to be a different kind of generation, that’s for sure. I can’t wait to show you guys the rest of it!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Hey! So good to see you back! How is it that this post JUST showed up on my RSS feed, and all the cool people read it yesterday?

    GodDAMN this was funny. i busted up laughing in the middle of work. OK, I work from home, but there was someone else in the house to look at me funny.

    Did I really say this was the generation of the Psycho and the Druggie? Haha! I crack myself up.

    Whenever I see Layla, my Gen 2 spouse, I kick myself for not figuring out the MorcuCorp connection until too late to do anything with it. If she’d married into the family later when I was really doing plot, I’d’ve eaten that up. I did Seasoned Traveler in my Gen 4, and yeah — I think I was at it for for 1.5 years.

    Like

    • Oh my gosh, get with the program. 😛 Haha that’s so weird though. WordPress is screwy sometimes.

      I’m glad! I mean, if I can make at least one person laugh in an inappropriate situation each day, then I’ll consider my life’s goal complete.

      Yes, way back when I posted the poll results and was teasing at the “theme” for this generation. You cracked me up too, so there you go. 😛

      Aww man, that’s actually the worst thing, writing a story and then realizing down the road that you missed an opportunity that was right under your nose… I’ve had a lot of those with this legacy. For instance, if I was so determined to get Chris Steel’s genes into the legacy, why the hell didn’t I turn the bromance into a romance? Oh well, I guess everything happens for a reason and all that.

      Like

  7. Huzzah! A post! I hope your exam was awesome!

    So much fun, and as funny as always. I hadn’t realized how much I’d actually missed this mess of a family until your new post appeared in my feed! I can’t wait for my delightful good times!

    Like

    • Hiii! Thanks so much! I think it went well, or at least I don’t regret borrowing those few hours to crank this post out. 😛 And now I’m freeeeee and I can play all the Langurds I want (as soon as my game stops crashing… not cool). Thanks so much as always, and I’m glad you liked it! I really must get back to the Zales soon — I’ve missed them!

      Like

  8. Ah Katana is so awesome. It’ll be sad when she’s gone. I like the psycho and the druggie. That could be a great storyline… Who needs skills anyway?

    Like

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