4.3 Bake Your Cake and Eat It Too

Hello again! Can I just say how glad I am that people are still reading thing? Otherwise, I’d have no one to address these introductions to, and I’d have to be all impersonal and start every chapter with “Dear Diary, here is what I accomplished today while I sat on my butt.” And no one would be there to judge my failures, so I would have absolutely no standards… Oh, right.

Last time, Katana completed her LTW, Drachma became a cat lady, Florin showed up like twice, and everyone was really sad about Dax for some reason. I don’t expect we’ll be nearly so productive today, but here goes anyhow!

Aww look, it’s family meal time! Appropriately, Florin the half-sibling is only half in the shot.

Weston: Well, girls, I daresay I’ve got the hang of this Langurd Life.

Drachma: Not until you’ve mastered Lev’s technique.

Lev: The trick is not to differentiate between the openings on your face.

Then Lira sits down and everyone breaks. Because no one likes Lira.

Zorba: I can has tofu dog?

Drachma: *magnetically drawn to the homeland*

Weston: Stop it with all that walking around, you’re creeping everyone out!

Lira: I’m sorry! Should I walk differently?

As I said, no one likes her.

In other news, the slapshod programming that drives this absolute hornet’s nest of a virtual simulation occasionally pays off. What I mean to say is: THE CAR HAD A BABY.

Balboa: Whoa, really? I thought I was just seeing double.

Me too, actually.

My games loves to magically clone things, but I’m lucky if it’s cars. Somehow, every kid ends up with at least two of these bastards in their inventory, if not more. This here was a mass deleting session that went horribly wrong.

Lira: Rise, children! Today we march on the gnomes!

Raggedy: Omghai! I’m so glad you’ve finally let me out to play!

Lira: Oh, bother.

Lira: You want to play? Go play in traffic. You’d be doing us all a favour, you miserable sack of $@#%(@#^

Raggedy: Whoa…

And the children were forever scarred, so I boolprop’d them out of their misery and out of existence.

I did promise there would be more Florin in this chapter, so here he is being the ultimate hipster.

Florin: Shut up, I was born like this! I don’t know what a fork is! *sob*

Fall Festival time! And the start of a dangerous addiction.

Weston: You’re going down, Chucky.

Lira: Please, my legs are literally hollow.

I know they talk about being a human vacuum, but really…

Weston: Show me the next one!

Lira: *Still choking on the first bite*

Lira: Bleeeuuuuggghhh

Looks like somebody’s hollow leg is FULL OF SHIT.

(Thanks, I’m really proud of that one.)

Graduation time! Which, in my game, means everyone spins into formalwear and stands perfectly still for five hours. Then, if we’re lucky, the graduate buggers off to City Hall and everyone else can get back to what they were doing. Good lord.

P.S. I don’t think Florin ever figured out how to get that waffle with his chopsticks. Poor guy.

Cool beans. Also, I have no idea why he’s not wearing a grad gown.

Yes, even Drachma gets “stir crazy” sometimes, and when you gotta throw a fish out of water, why not plunk them in the desert?

Drachma: You mean I’m supposed to use this for exercise? HAHAHAHA, good one.

She ought to take a lesson from MichelleLynn, gosh darn keener in her perfectly matched-up athletic gear.

Michelle: Haters gon hate.

Apparently it pays to venture outside legacy walls, ‘cause that’s where all the simselves are at. And I know y’all didn’t offer them up so I could toss them in town and pretend they don’t exist.

And heeeeere’s Heather! As a general preface to any simself appearances from hereon out, I apologize for thoroughly botching everyone’s hair/makeup/clothes/you name it. My game derps out on downloads to the point where I don’t know what’s real and what’s a placeholder, so I have to take a lot of creative license and try to make everyone look cool so they won’t hate me. I’m not good at “cool” though. PLEASE DON’T HATE ME.

Heather: You know I’m fabulous anyway.

True say.

Dog 1: Hello, Miss! Did you know that this is the very spot where your grandfather died? We saw it happen!

Dog 2: Indeed! As we speak, he is probably growing as a tree from these cracks in the pavement!

Lira: That’s nice.

Know what else is nice? Your face.

Sam: On that note, I’m hungry.

True to life.

Sam: OMG, did I win??!

Heather: You’ve got to be kidding me. We just started.

Sam: Jk, I’m not surprised.

Heather: Freak of nature.

Sam: Peace out, homeboys.

I came, I ate, I left without further ado. I want to say “I know people like that IRL,” but I am people like that IRL…

Lev apparently takes her job at the supermarket REALLY seriously.

Lev: I was test driving a high-class, gourmet sales pitch.

Oh yeah, and how’d that go with those boots? XD

Drachma: Guys, I went to the gym today! It’s a wide world out there—who knows, maybe I’ll hit the spa tomorrow… God knows I could use it after all that hard work!

Lira: The home spa, you mean.

Drachma: You’re right, I’m just going to fall asleep in a bubble bath.

Drachma is the realest.

Weston: This competitive eating business must be a goldmine, don’t you think? I bet I could really make a life out of it.

Lev: Your ambition inspires me, Dad.

She’s got a couple of solid role models for parents, that one. In all seriousness though, Katana’s the silent achiever type. Ever since she began her career in business, she’s been off the screen making big bucks and impressing all the right people.

And a few of the wrong people, too—but what does it hurt if they’re willing to employ you? (We said yes.)

Every few of chapters, I’m scrolling through my screenshots and I come across one like this. And I can’t remember what it was for, but I’m too scared to delete it in case I had some grand purpose in mind. So I’ll humour myself for now: OMG, look at all the rocks we have! And fancy boxes to keep them in! I like rocks. Rock good. *caveman grunt*

Yeah, I got nothing.

Lira: Why have you called me here, Great-Grandfather?

Tewl: I’ss Mr. Great-Grandfather to you, punkin. An’ I want you to go get me a beer.

Lira: But you’re a—

Tewl: I’m da patriot of dis family, yo. Dang chill’uns got no respect fer da wisdom of elders no more.

Speaking of elders, has there been a disturbance in the time space continuum? Nope, I just jumped the gun and put in a new simself before the older one had died.

Sam: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

And then…

Weston: I win!

YOU ARE NO SIMSELF OF MINE.

Weston: Let’s see, if I do this three times a week, that’s an easy $600 stipend, not to mention three free meals if I can keep it down…

Lady: Good luck eating yourself to death.

Weston: Sounds like I got it made, eh partner?

Sam: Picture this face when you go to sleep, and remember your life is in my hands.

Later, a sad realization was had.

Weston: Why didn’t you tell me there was no monetary compensation for these contests?!

Lev: Please don’t yell at me while you have the face of a murderer.

Oh, is it that time again already? The part of each generation that no one cares about, but I insist on documenting in detail every time for the sake of consistency? Heck yes, it’s prom.

Drachma: I’m not going. I already know it’s going to suck.

Ah, but see, everyone goes to their prom on the off chance that theirs will be the first NOT to suck. You might miss out on something truly spectacular, like…

Thanks, Biebs, for perpetuating the American pipe dream. You do Canada proud.

Here we have the other two ladies, looking mighty dashing in their— Hold up, what is Florin doing in there? *checks* Oh, his teenage years seem to have spanned precisely the right interval to afford him TWO proms. Happy day!

Florin: *grumble*

And then he hijacked the limo and sped off into the sunset to become a meth-cooking pimp.

Lira: Oooh, crafty.

In actual fact, Lira and Lev teleported out of the limo because “Go to Prom” is too difficult a command for my game to handle, so I have to manually direct everyone to the school and babysit them until they get through the doors.

Lev: You hate this. We hate this. Remind me again why we do this?

BECAUSE TRADITION, GODDAMMIT D:

Tradition also states I should give you a pop-up play-by-play, but for everyone’s sake I’ve condensed it.

Lev, predictably, was prom queen and wouldn’t have been satisfied with anything less.

I resent the addition of “cat” to this pop-up.

That’s better, and of course Lev wins again.

So specific. One day I will compile all of these into the most barebones YA novel the world has ever seen.

Joke’s on them, ‘cause the secret to that sparkly pattern is found under “Plastics and Rubbers” in the CASt panel. She’s wearing a glorified yoga mat.

Lira also went for the “Hello world, here’s my underwear!” pose.

A good start to the night.

 

Well gee, I wonder why.

She struck up a flirtation with some bald guy, whom—for obvious reasons—I can only ever picture like this…

But in the end, she got her head back in the game. #foreshadowing

AGAIN with the flashy pose! Hardy har, see what I did there? 😉

Aha! See? And you weren’t even going to g—

Never mind.

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Apparently he forgot it soon enough to remember it again.

And that’s why you don’t sit by the punch bowl perving on everything that breathes, dipshit.

And then he sat in a corner and wrote existential poetry about it.

Okay, seriously? THERE IS NO LOVE. HE HAS NO FRIENDS. Once was bad enough, but I don’t think the world can handle this fool with two crowns on his head.

On the same night, Balboa got an invite from his gal pal (don’t let me use that phrase again). I needed something to do anyway, so I sent him over. It was the night of the full moon. *eerie music*

As soon as he got there, however, this happened.

Guests: What party? No party here.

At least the dog seems to like him.

And thanks for not coming to your party, bitch.

I took a quick look inside to see what had caused the mass exodus. I guess this is understandable, but still.

Never fear, I promised a night on the town so THERE WILL BE a night on the town. Even if it has to be old-timers’ karaoke, starring bad Sinatra renditions and $4 tom collinses.

Young Whippersnapper: Lol I’m so charmingly out of place!

Singing Guy: I can’t read these lyrics!

Oh yeah, also starring Kayla’s simself!

Kayla: Aww yeah, right in the middle of the action!

Kayla: GET OFF THE STAGE! I’m here for the main event!

Whippersnapper: Excuse me?

Old guy: Neeeewwwww Yooorrrrrk, Neeeewwwww Yooooooooooooorrrrk!

The main event that Kayla prophesized would be the first adult date between Boa and Stoner Girl! He tracked her down via telephone and managed to drag her out here. Just so we’re clear, I mean “adult” as in they’re both grown up now, not as in “things are gonna get sketchy, wink wink, nudge nudge.” And yes, I changed her hair again.

Malissa: You’re as cute as a fried shrimp on a plate.

Balboa: If you were in the Circle Party, I’d vote for you.

Whippersnapper: Get a room.

Kayla: Wooooo, all aboard the Malboa ship!

Malissa: Hello, what’s your name?

Kayla: Shhh, don’t break the illusion.

Old guy: Boooo, what a disgusting pair!

Kayla: I could say the same about various parts of your body. Psssst go make legacy babies!

And all was going well, what with Kayla doing some excellent situation control, until…

Shit.

Shit.

And then I was like: oh wait, these are the Langurds.

So they squealed out a crappy rendition of “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” and called it a night.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the village.

Florin: I can’t wait to go home and take a shower!

Officer Buzzkill: Nice try, buddy. You’re coming with me.

Florin: K wait a sec, I gotta do something first.

Best way to escape an arrest imo.

Especially when you sparkle-spin into a disguise like this. Whoa, Nelly. XD

Florin picked up “Brooding” as his fifth trait, which is bloody perfect.

Lira: All the Langurd women in one room! Say cheese, everyone!

Tuesday: No.

Morgana: Bye.

Oh, gosh. Evil sims make me so uneasy. Lira at least has some poetic value, since she was a Spooky Day baby after all. And born on the dance floor. Basically, her life story is the “Thriller” music video.

Lev channels my feelings toward Halloween a little more accurately. Time to get all artsy and make masterpieces out of vegetables. 😀

See? Artistic genius.

Papergirl: I’d like to lodge a complaint about the pumpkin. It’s lowering my IQ.

Oh, and here’s Florin’s makeover. Stylish as always, created by the the highly selective process of closing my eyes and dragging sliders up and down and all around.

He’s still teaching people the tricks of the loser trade with Lira’s Imaginary Friend as his only financial backer.

Spooky Day is also a great occasion to make this chapter more exhausting and repetitive, and to head back to the Fall Festival for more simself spotting!

Laura, who moved in with her husband Connor, wasted no time whatsoever in catching up to her real life self. Like, if I’ve done my calculations right, he knocked her up within hours of moving to town.

Katana: Impressive.

Her Sim Dorian (Azula’s baby daddy) also became the first in my game to autonomously break out a drum set. It’s about freakin’ time. #teampercussion #drummersneedlovetoo

Speaking of people who need love.

Florin: Well hello, Kacey.

Kacey: Florin.

Florin: You know you broke my heart, right?

Kacey: I did? I’ve always wanted to be a heartbreaker!

Don’t go down that path, kid. It doesn’t end well.

And neither will this, I expect.

Florin: And the lion fell in love with the lamb…

Kacey: Mmmhmm. Sure thang.

There’s the grad robes now. I guess that means I miscaptioned the other shot, but OH WELL WHO CARES, too late for that now.

Malissa: Dude, I think your stepdad has a problem. You should get him outta here.

Weston: NO! I AM THE CHAMPION!

Lira: Trick or treat.

Julia: I’m not even home yet, can you at least wait until I get—

Lev: No. Candy now.

Lira: Oh, pish-posh. Let’s try the next one.

Julia: Oh, I get it. You’re that legacy kid.

Lev: That’s right, Lev Langurd at your service.

Lira: What are you doing? Stop consorting with the victims, we’re supposed to be cutthroat criminals!

Poor Susan showed up just as the festival was closing. I have no idea who the armless child belongs to.

Susan: Not mine, that’s for sure.

Handless woman: Why are y’all looking at me?

This picture both amuses and disturbs me.

So let’s finish off with the most heart-warming screenshot I ever did see.

Grey Wind: It’s like I never even died!

D’awwww ❤

Lolwhoops.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

It’s finally spring here in the North and the birds are literally chirping outside my window as I write. Naturally, I’m hanging out in my basement, seeing how long I can go without leaving the house for groceries. It’s a fun game. I’ve invented so many makeshift recipes, I could probably survive a zombie apocalypse at this point. Canned salmon and mustard? Breakfast of champions, man.

On the bright side, my stubborn hermitude means more Langurds! I hope you’re all doing well in your legacies and other pursuits. 🙂

Happy Simming!

-Sam