4.4 Make Him Better or Get the Buzzer

Well, considering how confident I was last chapter in my hermity caveman ways, a lot has actually happened since I put that post out. I went on a forest adventure, tried to move into my new place but failed, and had a job interview. Oh, and I got my first tattoo! Basically, I’m still an unemployed deadbeat but I’m an unemployed deadbeat who dipped one toe in the waters of real life for half a second. Yay, me!

Speaking of unemployed deadbeats, it occurred to me that the last Langurd to hold a steady job was… well, Morgana, and I had no part in her getting or keeping that job. Three generations of dicking around later, our fortunes are dwindling and I’ve decided to crack down on my heirs, start funnelling them down the narrow road of career society. Just kidding, but I’m accepting that we won’t last forever on book royalties and broken space rocks. Someone’s gotta put food on the table and all that.

Raggedy: You gonna finish that?

Lira: Yes.

Raggedy: What’cha makin’?

Lira: Weapons of small-scale destruction.

Lira: It’s perfect!

Raggedy: I don’t get it.

Lira: How do I get rid of her?

I wish I could answer that.

Raggedy: I’m bored. Entertain me.

We played Thomas Edison, now let’s play Nancy Drew: WHO MADE THIS? Who was so reluctant to get out of bed that they actually risked soiling themselves, and who do I get to take the mickey out of for it?

Target acquired.

Drachma: Fire away, I’m not sorry.

Balboa’s shady pastime has been public knowledge for a while now, but you may be wondering what Lira’s doing at a Scraptronic Workbench. I screwed up my face and thought really hard about her LTW, and I eventually settled on Monster Maker. Besides the fact that she looks hilarious with a blowtorch, it also means she gets to be a a toymaker by trade, and what could be more fitting for a deranged china doll?

However, it’s hard to get any work done with an overgrown potato sack hanging over your shoulder.

Lira: Go rot in H-E-double hockey stick!

Raggedy: No, I don’t think I will.

Lira: Well, if that’s how it’s going to be…

   

Lira: Serves you right, you poorly-stitched carnival prize!

Right, ‘cause it definitely looked like you were winning.

Raggedy: It sucks to be a crazy person, doesn’t it? No one will believe you beat me because I’m only a hallucination.

Lira: You disgrace the name of hallucination! Go find a field and shove a stick up your butt!

Balboa: Guys, I don’t feel so good.

That’s because taste-testing is for the kitchen, Boa, not the alchemy station.

Well, turns out Lira was riding a mood swing that day, and after the brawl she wanted to ease her frustration with some good old-fashioned egging.

Lira: Heehee! Baby chickens for everyone!

And guess whose house I picked by accident.

Shayla: Hi, cousin! What brings you h— *egg in the face*

Shayla: You’re a bad cousin!

Then she busted out the big sister guns.

Nadia: Do we have a problem here?

Lira: Just feeding the underprivileged, ma’am.

Unfortunately, Lance’s branch of the family did not inherit a sense of humour.

If you’re looking for Weston these days, there’s a pretty good chance you’ll find him here.

Weston: Just a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down! But why stop at a spoonful? BRING OUT THE SHOVEL THAT IS MY FACE.

Opponent: Is this your day job or something?

Lol nope. Actually, Weston has a perfectly respectable day job that I always forget about, and which he frequently skips because Riverview doesn’t like sending carpools. He is in fact a Trauma Surgeon at the Country Care General Hospital, and it is therefore expected that he perform trauma surgery all over town, anywhere, anytime.

Casie: Help, doctor! It’s butterflies in my stomach! Remove the flutter in my tummy and make yourself a heap of money!

Opponents: OMG there’s a woman dying!

Weston: Haha, idiots! You leave the table, you forfeit!

Casie: Is there a doctor in the house? There must be a doctor in the house! I’m looking at you, guy in overalls with the jammy face! I see your Medical Association lanyard!!

You can’t ignore that…

…or can you?

Weston: I am the pie master.

Maybe if you offer them a week’s supply of pie…

I guess that didn’t work.

While we’re on the topic of things that don’t work, check out this pick-up attempt on our young heiress.

Nolan: Would you care to stand under my umber-ella-ella-ella?

Lira: No thank you, I’m dressed for the weather.

Nolan: Well hey, if you’re out here on the streets in that skimpy underwear–you must want to sleep with me, right?

Lira: No more than I want to sleep with the ladybugs in the grass, Nolan.

Nolan: I just don’t understand where I went wrong.

That would be the baldy of the ball, a.k.a. Lira’s romantic interest from prom. I had to give him a shot, but he doesn’t seem like the right fit for us. Just a hunch.

He promptly ran off into the arms of Lira’s cousin. The one she egged.

Who promptly ran off with an equally dull townie lad. No really, these pop-ups were about three seconds apart. Lance may not have inherited the family funny bone, but Grandpa Tewl didn’t leave her completely empty-handed.

Boa’s on the right track with his romancin’, and you know how I can tell? His girlfriend matches the laundry room!

Malissa: I am one with the earth.

And the laundry room! Don’t forget the laundry room!

Katana: Whoop-dee-do. It’s not even a laundry room anymore.

As you can see, somebody’s developed a Cersei Lannister complex now that the young’uns are paving the way forward. With that face, she could give Grumpy Cat a run for her— OMG. GRUMPY KAT. HOW HAS THIS JOKE ESCAPED ME ALL HER LIFE? D:

What also escapes me is how she ever gave birth to Lev.

Lev: Burnt KD for dinner, oohhhh yeah!

I suppose there is a fine line between her sincerity and Katana’s sarcasm.

Lev: Does this look like Kelvin to you?

No, it looks like Florin…?

Lev: I mean the Instagram filter. He requested it for his portrait.

That son of a bitch.

Weston has fallen steeply in the world since the Dying-Lady debacle. The entire medical community has been abuzz with whispers of “Did you hear about the trauma surgeon who stood by and let a woman’s appendix rupture?” “I heard he was ear-deep in a cherry pie.” “Oh my god, in public?” “No, it was actually a pie.”

It’s a hard life.

I knew that Lira’s little episode was an omen, and that the complete ruin of the family was near.

Lira: Someday I will avenge you, dollhouse, and create your exact replica!

I don’t think you need to set yourself on fire to do that though.

Unless you’re Ross.

Boa: Hey Lira, I feel different. Do I look different?

Lira: Not at all, brother. You’re ready for a night on the town with your girlfriend, if I had to say.

Boa: Hey Mal, do I look different?

Malissa: Course not.

Boa: But I’m behind you.

Malissa: Nice try, I’m not that high.

Boa: Nobody understands me…

Lira: How lovely that you’re both into self-medicating now. It’ll be something for you to bond over as father and son.

Katana: What is this family.

Good question. When your bastard son by a Chinese floozy is busy Instagramming his culinary creations…

Florin: Turns out you shouldn’t put flame fruit in the oven. Who knew?

And your youngest daughter is too introverted to even be a cat lady…

Zorba: Love me!

Drachma: I AM RESISTING

…you can’t do much more than trudge around in a basin of wine.

I think I’m starting to understand Cersei Lannister on a deeper level.

You might have been worried about Zorba after last chapter’s cliffie ending. Well, she made it to her adult birthday, so there’s that!

Sadly, her caregiver has yet to notice.

Zorba: LOOK AT ME!

Another commission from Florin?

Lev: It’s called “Her Red Dress Lives in My Veins.”

Tasteful.

Lira: Please, I know I got arrested the last three times I left the house, but I have an important mission to carry out!

Boa: Hmm, I dunno. For some reason I feel uneasy about that.

Lira: *grumblegrumble*

Boa: Hey Mal, are you ready for our da–

Malissa: Whoa, what happened to your face?

Boa: I knew it! Those bastards!

Mal: This oughtta fix you.

Boa: Am I back to normal?

Mal: Yep, bye!

Boa: I still feel… different.

Paparazzi: That’s because you are, Croaky. Guess that girl must not be your true love.

Boa: What?

Paparazzi: And now, up close and personal with a broken man. Er, half-man.

Boa: Hey, what’s with your arms?

So yeah, that kiss had no effect, which was weird. Then Malissa fed us some excuse about having to be elsewhere, but Boa swindled her into turning her dumb car around and coming RIGHT BACK HERE THIS INSTANT, YOUNG LADY.

Malissa: Hey, isn’t your sister grounded?

Boa: Yeah, why?

Lira: You know why.

Fear for your life, Weston.

True love’s first fourth kiss.

Mal: Hey, what’s this? I stopped doing acid months ago!

BAHAHAHAHA

And they lived happily ever after.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Okay, I really need to start writing these faster because my starting notes are always obsolete my the time I get to my finishing ones. Turns out I had another forest adventure—in FLIP-FLOPS, no less—and after getting severely lost in a swamp full of very large deer, I’ve decided that the Great Indoors is where it’s at. Honestly, I thought I was going to die for a bit there.

Anyway, I’m all moved in to my new place and have my Simming station set up! It’s very important to me that I get this kind of work done in a well-equipped and stimulating environment, and this time it’s surrounded by purple twinkle lights. I’m pretty psyched.

Thanks for reading, and Happy Simming!

-Sam