4.9 I Love You, You Love Me, We’re a Happy Family

Isn’t that the most accurate description of the Langurds you’ve ever heard?

For the record, if I get this chapter out by Tuesday, I’ll have done seven posts in two weeks. That might just qualify as a miracle.

Where were we? Oh yeah, still at university. For this whole chapter and like half of the next one. I’m sorry, but it can’t be helped when our bright young minds are keeping so busy!

Prof. Richards: You see, a corporation is like a colony of honeybees! Everyone has a task to do, but in the end you’ll just die among the flowers or with your butt stuck in the arm of a pesky human.

I can smell the sarcasm.

What is Drachma’s life anymore? It’s steroids and no sleep and reviewing game footage on the ground in the rain, that’s what it is. I almost feel guilty for putting her through this.

However, I’m hardly the only guilty party around here.

Florin: I’m suffering, Malissa. I can’t fight this attraction anymore. I have to tell Balboa.

Malissa: No! We’ll just… bottle up our feelings and pretend they don’t exist, okay?

Hard to say if I should feel sorry for her husband though.

Balboa: Interested in my bones, are you?

Shasha: I beg your pardon!

Cashier: So. Wanna get hammered sometime?

Balboa: No thanks, but could I have some Witches’ Brew?

Cashier: I told you, magic isn’t real.

Sure it isn’t. Lev and Jeff do a great job of keeping it a secret, what with their search-beacon-subtle wings… and the charm that do-gooder Lev put on the entire art class.

Hanna: Wow, my drawing seems suddenly better!

Prof. Noetal: That’s because of my excellent teaching, of course.

Maid: So your sister, she’s pretty hot.

Boa: Is she?

Maid: Wanna introduce me?

Boa: Not really.

Lev: These wings are doing wonders for my rep!

Lira: I’m surrounded by lovesick puppies.

Be careful, you might catch their cooties.

Even Drachma’s turning heads lately.

Miles: Hey you. Wanna go out?

Drachma: Sorry, I have a date with the hamstring curl.

Miles: I like a girl who lifts.

Drachma: No really, I’m married to the gym.

And what a happy marriage it is.

Drachma: This is my life now.

That hasn’t stopped her roomie/stalker from trying way too hard. If Drachma hasn’t got time for food, she sure as hell ain’t got time for you or anything else for that matter because she lives a hollow half-life now.

I second Lira’s statement. Get a room, you sappy freaks!

At least one of them is off the hook for cheating now.

Malissa: Sweet, the hot fairy dude invited me to a party!

One of them…

But too bad, Malissa, ‘cause we’ve already got plans for Hot Fairy Dude.

Lev: I LOVE YOU!

Jeff: I don’t know you!

I was sold on this romance when I realized that their names technically rhyme. If I pronounced Lev’s name correctly, they’d be Leff and Jeff. ❤

I think she’s on the same wavelength, since she rolled this like five seconds after speaking to him.

 

FUCK YOU, JEFF.

This is what you get when a Never Nude streaks. Why even bother?

Malissa: Omg I’m so daring and liberated and stuff

Remember how Drachma was in need of a struggle buddy? I think this pretty boy is a good candidate. He’s incredibly photogenic even when he’s about to fall off the treadmill.

Kyle: Don’t objectify m— *kerthud*

I briefly entertained the notion of setting him up with Drachma, but then I remembered she doesn’t have time for human emotion. Also, she hardly needs someone to struggle along with when she’s no longer struggling herself.

Drachma: I EAT ROCKS FOR BREAKFAST

Pros: We’re on track for that LTW.

Cons: I feel like I’ve ruined the purest thing in this legacy.

Back at Jeff’s party…

Lev: Guess what, I’m a fairy too!

Jeff: Well hey, look at that!

Lev: My wings are cooler than your wings.

Jeff: Your butt is singing.

Ah, yes… Lev’s phone glitched and wouldn’t stop ringing all night — silently (thank god), but it did ruin the next eight or nine screenshots.

The two then became tiny balls of light together and danced in pretty circles.

Then they made magic sparkles. For some reason, I get the feeling this picture should be censored.

Romancing aside, Lev had a pretty successful night. She pioneered the levitating kegstand.

Malissa: Brooooo. I think I’ve hit my limit.

She saw a revolutionary in the buff.

Che: Impressed?

Lev: They don’t put that on the T-shirts.

She sent one of the hosts tumbling to his death.

Mahmoud: YOU HAVE BROKEN ME. URELE-ORESHA-CHAM BANS YOU FOR LIFE.

Balboa: Uh-oh girl, you messed up!

Unfortunately for Urele-Oresha-Cham, one of its members was more than happy to join her in exile.

Lev: I almost killed your bro lol

Jeff: Screw Mahmoud, he doesn’t have a singing butt!

And Cinderella’s carriage turned into a pumpkin, and she fled into the night, leaving only a dying trail of Blank Space in her wake…

But don’t worry, Lev hasn’t sold out completely. She still has time to be a nerd and max out skills in like THREE SECONDS FLAT. I know her Avant-Garde trait helped, but this was actually ridiculous. My Artistic sims have never maxed painting so quickly.

And how’s her academic bar amidst all these extracurriculars?

Flawless, of course. I guess her happy ending is that Workaholics can be Hopeless Romantics after all.

But at the rate Lira’s been blowing up the furniture, everyone’s “happy ending” is going to mean eating discount pizza on the kitchen floor.

Sadly, we aren’t all superhuman and Lira’s “extracurriculars” come at a price.

She pulled an all-nighter, filmed a PSA about academic integrity, and came home an upstanding citizen and a new woman.

Lira: Never again will I disrespect the letter of the law.

Lira: …I don’t like this table. *rolls wish to detonate*

But that’s the last one! D:

Florin: So you want me to just pretend I don’t love you? How can you ask that of me?

Malissa: Playing pretend is easy! See?

Malissa: Convincing, right?

Florin went away and wrote an angsty blog post about it, and voila, his life’s mission was complete.

I would hardly call him a Blog Artist after this sham of a social enterprise, but I gotta hand it to him, he made a pretty good Cool Guru for such a dweeb.

He also made a wad of cash, which I made sure to funnel into the legacy funds before he goes home and moves out. (Y)

Buuuuuuut just like somebody else I know, he wasn’t too great at balancing his blogging with school. 😉

Balboa: Finally, some alone time with my wife!

Soon to be interrupted by… THE REPORT CARD FAIRY!

Boa: Aww yippee, it’s like Christmas!

Malissa: The hell kind of Christmas are you talking about?

 

Yeah, Malissa’s not the sharpest leaf on the cannabis plant…

 

Balboa, on the other hand, is making a great case for smokers all around.

Since I’m sure it was killing you all not to know, here are the final grades.

Lev’s finished, but I’m not done with her, so I’ll bring her back for some throwaway courses. For the rest of them, one more semester oughtta do it!

But first: the farewell festivities! Lira finally fell off her high horse and decided to test the waters of student life. (Yes, the waters.)

Lira: Okay, Malissa, you win. This had better be better than diamonds.

Florin had a friend over. Maybe not a friend, but a sort of colleague. An older colleague. Okay, he had his professor over.

Balboa: Dude, risky.

Florin: It’s a cover up. I like Malissa.

Balboa: What?

Malissa: I like Malissa! Everyone’s saying it, let’s say it together: I like Malissa!

Just to make sure nothing went sour between them, I had Boa throw some blue stuff at his feet.

(Might have also had something to do with the quota for his alchemy LTW.)

Not that that stopped things from going sour.

Tammy: How dare you wear purple in my presence??

HOW DARE YOU INSULT PURPLE IN MY PRESENCE YOU CLASSLESS SLIMEBAG okay there may be some pent-up anger here whoops.

However, I came to my senses and realized that a Florin-Professor romance would be going too far. (Wait, there’s such thing as “too far” around here?) So we took the morally sound route and forced some girl into a relationship with the press of a button.

Oh come on, you couldn’t have picked someone a little more believable?

Florin: What are you talking about? I am so in her league.

Ashley: Keep dreaming, shower scum. The only league you’re in is League of Legends.

Florin: Call me a legend then, ‘cause I just made you my girlfriend! *snort*

Oh, bravo.

Florin: Right, how do I make it kiss me?

Florin: It’s too strong! It’s overpowering the system!

Ashley: Smashin’ the patriarchy one friendzoned loser at a time.

Florin: Don’t leave! I think you’d really like me if you got to know me!

Ashley: Okay, say something funny.

Florin: Uh… How many lives does a Nazi cat have?

Ashley: I’m outta here.

Florin: Uh, I think I broke it.

Nope, I think you’re just that boring.

I swear I’ll get one of the spares an S.O. before university is done!

Lev: Where did you get that?

Jeff: Your sister-in-law.

Lev: Maybe don’t.

Jeff: Too late.

Lev: I love a man who puts weird stuff in his mouth.

Jeff: It’s a good thing you’re weird stuff then.

I don’t know whether I’m charmed or nauseous.

Well, it’s settled. Lev has met her match in Jeffery Dean, Man of Too Many Talents.

However, like in any fairytale romance, these two geniuses make total idiots of each other.

Lev: OMG Jeff invited me to a party!

Jeff: Can I come?

Being a fairy makes her every exit so dramatic and whimsical.

Lev: Don’t you worry, my friend! True love comes to those who wait!

Gnomy: I’m in a committed relationship.

That night at Jeff’s party, our fearless heroine— Hey wait, when did Lev become the star of the show?

Lev: You know you should have made me heiress.

And see Tewl’s legacy usurped by brain surgeons and salad eaters? I don’t think so!

Mahmoud: I hope you get dropped!

Mahmoud: Hmm. Even better.

That awkward moment when your spotter turns into a zombie mid-kegstand…

That awkward moment when Jeffery Dean doesn’t show up to his own party and then chides you like a naughty schoolgirl for calling him to see what’s up???

I knew Lev’s life was too good to be true Langurd.

The zombies were out at full force that night. Florin had a very close call outside the dorms.

Zombie: Nyyeeuuuurgghhh

Florin: I’m not… s-s-scared…

Florin: *window-shattering scream*

I hear that’s how you’re supposed to deal with a bear attack.

And with that, it’s time for Round Two! Everyone had a lovely long break at home. Just kidding, nobody got farther than the front lawn.

Lev: Have you seen Jeff Dean around? Could you tell him I’m looking for him? Just casually. Please.

Helmet Guy: Neeiighh!

Every new era should start with a big bang, right?

Lira: Mama’s home!

Sofa: *terrified*

Omg, so serious. My inner goody-two-shoes felt really sheepish when I got these pop-ups.

Fallen hero Lev is working on her third and final skill for Renaissance Sim. Her areas of expertise — Raphael, Banksy, and Michelangelo (a.k.a. Painting, Graffiti, and Sculpting) — are incredibly diverse.

Lev: *skills at a snail’s pace*

Oh right, I forgot how much I hated Sculpting. 😡

Boa, meanwhile, has a little secret to share.

Boa: Gather ‘round the campfire, my pretties.

Balboa: I’m a wizard, Harry!

#nothowitgoes

Gnomy: My name’s not Harry, it’s Jonathan.

Jonathan: And I’m a wizard hunter about to expose your entire race! Enjoy your magic tricks while you can, you filthy abomination!

Careful, Johnny. We all know which spell makes a green jet of light.

Boa: AVADA…

Wow would you look at that! Halfway to another LTW!

Drachma: Are you really a witch?

Tammy: You jealous?

Drachma: Shut up bitch, I was talking to the skeleton.

Pictorial proof of the impossible.

Where her mind is lacking, her new body compensates.

Oh and by the way, you would think Garrison becoming her professor would put a wedge in his plans, but think again. Next thing you know, he’ll be asking her to come in for “extra mentoring sessions” if you know what I mean.

And for the last trivial event of this chapter, Tammy invited Boa to a meeting with the Extreme Body Modifications Club.

Shannon: You should get this duck implanted in your face!

Boa: Uh, no thanks.

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More soon! Don’t quote me, but I think there might be a baby next chapter.

Happy Simming!

-Sam