4.11 I Am Mrs. Nesbitt

You know how when people live together, their cycles sync up? Apparently, I’ve been “living” with the Langurds for too long, because I’m experiencing a severe case of simulative synchrony. (Why yes, I coined that term myself just now.)

Just like Boa, Lira, and the rest, your Director of Shenanigans is now officially a Gryffindor graduate! Discovery: the door clusterfuck is a myth. In fact, the whole process was highly streamlined and efficient and the worst nightmare of a socially awkward person. Why am I telling you guys this? I’m pretty sure 80% of my readership is older and more life-experienced than I am. Which is an interesting story, but seeing as I haven’t finished this one…

It’s back to Midnight Hollow, back to the dollhouse, and straight down to business. Coffee and boardrooms and meetings and all that.

Lira: So, we have degrees now. Does that mean we’ll get real jobs unlike our ancestors?

*crickets chirping*

Yes, a degree is just a piece of paper after all. And apparently, if you studied Art like Lev, you don’t even get that. Probably because you’re using it as a blanket.

(One of the speakers at my Arts grad geared his speech around “there’s more to life than getting a job,” which I think was supposed to be motivational?)

Anyway, something weird happened when Lev graduated earlier than her siblings. She “has” a degree in her education panel, but she didn’t go to a ceremony, didn’t get a sixth trait, and DOESN’T HAVE A DIPLOMA — resulting in this graphically infuriating wall display. I even tried the BuyDebug catalogue, and guess what? Fine Arts is the only one missing from there, too. –.-

You may recall that Drachma tried to move out with her new dog Rufus, the only living creature just as mentally damaged as she is. But she couldn’t leave because we had a Pangu’s Axe hanging on the wall, which makes a lot of sense. *nods knowingly* Here’s Rufus joining the household again and trying to break my game AGAIN, ungrateful son of a literal bitch.

Drachma: Hi, Satan.

Drachma: So long, see ya never.

Rufus: GRUUURRRFF.

And they ran off to star in a sitcom.

And while we’re kicking out spares… Jk, he has to go through the “Invite Foreign Visitors” fiasco first.

Florin: Forget it, I’ll just marry the lady on this poster.

You won’t marry anyone if you keep that up, young man.

My simself lives to spite me.

And so did Drachma, right until her very last day. How else do you explain this??

Evil Gnome: *recording of Drachma’s voice* How you gonna appease your perfectionism now, HITLER? (fart noise)

D’:

Obligatory proof that the spare portraits exist and we occasionally do things right around here.

Teqeq To’Vedachot: Hello, human. What are you doing?

Malissa: Looking for my laser pointer!

Teqeq: Oh my.

Teqeq: Oh myyyyyyy.

Lira: Who dragged you out of the claw machine?

And what if that craft is called “esploding the fuck out of everything”? You know what, never mind. Welcome to the legacy, Teqeq!

Of course, one minute you’re defending the whole galaxy, and suddenly you find yourself sucking down Darjeeling with Marie Antoinette and her little sister.

Lira: I am Mrs. Nesbitt!

Actually, Lira doesn’t have a hat—

Lira: Say, statue… Let’s go home and play.

…

WHAT HAVE I DONE

Now trending on Facebook:

Balboa Langurd: Legacy heir releases first pictures of his fairytale cabin in the woods. Camera fails to capture pungent fumes. In fact, camera fails to capture pretty much everything.

(Sadly, what’s actually trending on Facebook this morning is Christopher Lee. RIP Saruman, Dooku, and all-round legend.)

You’re welcome for that really thorough tour.

Also for Malissa’s really thorough bio that neglected to mention her LTW — The Cat Herder. This sleeping beauty is Lt. Surge, master of electric Pokémon and the first of the 15 cats Mal needs to befriend.

Balboa gets to befriend bees because every woodsy wizard needs a bee box.

Boa: I don’t! I don’t need a bee box!

Yeah, we fell prey to EA’s little learning curve. My Intro to Apiculture prof would be proud.

Moral of the story: Smoke it first. Strange, I would’ve thought Boa already knew that. 😉

Katana is a classy-ass grandmother.

Katana: Not a grandmother.

Fine, a classy-ass retiree.

Katana: Not retired either.

Oh yeah, that’s right. This Suave Politician is so important, she gets asked to dine with her children’s Imaginary Friends who are floating around in Story Progression. No offense, boss man, but this would result in a “family emergency” much worse than whatever you’re bailing for.

Speaking of family, our first Midnight Hollow ghost haunting! Queen Arabella is right at home in this steaming basin of lion saliva.

Florin: Excuse me, could we stop narrating my dead, bikini-clad grandma and focus on the disaster that is my love life?

Of course! I love focusing on that.

Fortunately for Florin, Florin’s foreign friend flew in.

*drops mic*

*picks it up again because alliteration isn’t hip*

Evion: I love your house! What did you do, murder a millionaire?

Florin: LOL

Florin: We’re meant for each other, bae. Let’s take one for Instagram.

Evion: Whoa, hold up. Are you some kinda hipster?

Florin: Death 2 basic bitches lol.

Evion: I HAVE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.

Evion: Have a good life on the potato farm. *leaves Midnight Hollow immediately*

For real, after we waited SO LONG for her arrival, she went straight back to university and disappeared from the phone directory.

Florin: LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD!

Nice try, but you’re not getting invited to the pillow fight.

(Even though he would fit in quite well.)

You can wash some dishes though, and then you can move out.

Florin: *sobbing*

Quite frankly, I give up on his love life. He can take his chances in the void.

Malissa: What a great couch, how much is shipping and handling?

In fact, it’s better this way. I was saving the extra space so that Evion could move in and out again, but now that that’s over…

Boa: What do you say we beat Lira to the punch?

Malissa: I love punch! Is it spiked?

I just realized that I never do full-body shots of this pose because I hate seeing shoes on a clean comforter. –_-

Boa: Oh, it won’t be clean for long.

THANKS FOR THAT, now I need a loud stereo and a singing cat to drown you out.

Lt. Surge: You raise me uuuuuuuuuuuup so I can stand on moooouuuntaaaiiins!

Teqeq: Excuse me, do you mind keeping it down? I can hear you from outside!

Are you talking to the cat or the lovebirds? Also wtf, are you yellow?

Malissa: You’re hallucinating, my friend. You heard nothing…

Malissa: You saw nothing… Now stay away from our precious jellybean garden, or you’ll pay!

Good bonding session with your potential brother-in-law.

But ‘tis true, we must guard the precious.

Boa: The Ring is mine, Sam.

How dare you address me by name. D:

Good lord, I’m surrounded.

Katana: Please carry me to the nearest Taco Bell.

Weston: How about the vending machine in the corner? I’ve missed a few leg days.

Katana: I guess that’ll do.

Now that I’m seeing Lira as Sid, I’m considerably less comfortable watching her complete her toymaking duties.

Lira: You should be. You don’t even know where I got these parts from.

Um, yes I do. I lived through the last chapter, didn’t I?

Everyone seems to have a sketchy career right now. Malissa joined the Fortune Teller path after graduation for some extra dough. Florin was in Education, but he missed his first day of work for the “date” with Evion.

Malissa: I’m not cut out for this job. I’m too grounded in reality.

Riiiiiiight. Maybe you’re not cut out for it, but your shorts sure are. XD

Lev doesn’t have a job. She’s supposed to be sculpting, but in all the screenshots I have, she’s doing dumb crap like eating snow cones.

Or making jam.

Lev: No, I’m boiling the snow cone. I wanna see what happens.

Um, spoiler, it melts…? Stop making a bad name for Arts majors.

She also used some Lifetime Happiness points to become Queen of the Fae.

Katana: All those A’s and you couldn’t just get a normal job? How am I supposed to introduce you when I’m President, huh? “This is my daughter, the Fairy Queen”??

Lev: I think that’s the most words I’ve ever heard you say, Mom. Relax.

Lev: It’s like I got this music in my mind saying it’s gonna be alright.

Katana: What is wrong with you?

WA-HEY, IT’S BABY TIME!

Strict orders, Malissa — you are as of now stone cold sober, for the benefit of this blog’s political correctness the child you are carrying.

Your husband doesn’t have to be politically correct, though. Which is just as well since he’s busy being attracted to his aunt.

Balboa: Damn, you’re just as hot in this dimension as you were in the last.

Gabby: Sorry Tommy, I’m leaving you. I think I’ve just met the Doctor.

Then he felt the need to literally freeze out the competition.

Balboa: Heheheheheheh!

Tommy: What d’you want that saggy old windbag for anyway?

Gabby (offscreen): Saggy old what now?

Behold the majesty of the feline surveying his domain.

Lt. Surge: With very little work, this place will be mouse-infested in no time. Splendid, splendid.

How has this legacy done without cats for so long?? I thank you, Malissa, for your randomly generated wisely chosen LTW.

That isn’t to say we haven’t had some worthy canines. Or ONE worthy canine… Larka can fuck off (I guess she kinda did), but Grey Wind here is my favourite ghost.

Grey Wind: Masters, can we go play catch on the beach one day?

Hey Weston, any time you feel like joining the ranks of ghosts is fine by me!

Weston: Oh yeah, like I’m shaking this vending machine voluntarily.

What can I say? I was tempting fate. Maybe we ought to buy a Murphy Bed next.

Florin: Okay, I give up. I’ve been doing this independence thing for two whole days. I don’t have a girlfriend and I don’t have a job and I don’t know how to work the washing machine. Can I move back in?

No silly, you’re just here for the Snowflake Day party!

Florin: Screw that then. *leaves*

That’s okay, there were plenty of guests who had the good grace not to route fail at the front door. Mostly we were counting on Teqeq to come, and he showed up bright and early and sparkly and warpy and ooooooh, shiny.

Lira: Shall we begin courting?

Teqeq: What’s that, a human ritual?

Lira: Oh, I’m not really a human.

And that’s not really a smile, Lance.

Auntie Azula showed up with her son, Boyd. Boyd’s father is Dorian Darroch, and that automatically makes him a nightmare child.

Boyd: I’m not going in that door, Mother. Christmas cheer makes my hair frizz up.

Azula: Listen here you little shit, if you make me look bad I will hang you from the bridge by those stupid coat chains.

Boyd: Humph! You don’t need any help looking bad, mother.

Azula: Fucking kids!

This is what happens when you cross-breed a Langurd and a Darroch, in case you were wondering.

Balboa: Hey Boyd, I’m your cousin Balboa!

Lev: Do you like fashion, Boyd?

Boyd: I don’t speak directly to nerds. Call my agent if you have a question.

Valencia: Hey brat, don’t be rude to your cousins!

Boyd: Aww gee, did Mom hire you to babysit again?

Valencia: That’s right, and I’ll pluck your eyebrows if you keep telling people you have a publicist.

The party was a rager. If you’re talking about raging stupidity, that is.

Teqeq: I hear there’s this thing humans do, it’s like… “rock on, dude!”

Lira: What rock? Is it explosive?

Lance: OMG Lira, why are you so uncool???

Says the woman who looks like a freaky bobblehead turtle right now.

Balboa: If I told you I was a wizard, would that make me a cool older cousin?

Boyd: No, it would just make you a liar.

Drachma: Why did I even come here?

Valencia: Oh my gosh, you’re having a baby?!!

Malissa: Yes. I plan to sell its shoes for drug money.

Boa: She’s kidding, everyone! Kidding!

Drachma: Yay, sports. Go sports.

Katana sneaked away to make the least appetizing snow cone ever.

Lance had a Sad Salad for One™.

Even sadder, nobody touched the fruit salad that Azula brought.

Saddest of all, nobody had touched the beautiful piano in all its life until this party crasher decided to christen it for us. Bitch wasn’t even good.

Azula: Excellent, I think I’ve pawned off the brat for good!

Boa: Yeah, about that, I give up. You can have him back.

That, of course, meant that the two of them had to go home. Boyd must have kicked and bitten her all the way home considering they just missed present time.

Lev: Wow, a coffee maker!!

Tommy: Cripes, who thought of that? Not like the kid needs more sparkle in her step.

True, and speaking of which — stop showering magic dust on the pregnant lady!

Malissa: Wheeeeeeeeeee!

Lira: Oh boy, I hope it’s a Buzz Lightyear!

Nope, it was a “Frosty Waves.” That blue and white painting with the frost patterns? It seemed so fitting that I coloured it grey and hung it in her bathroom.

Well? What did you get, Florin?

Florin: Someone labelled it “your girlfriend” and cut a hole in the bottom.

Katana: That was me.

People got bored and started leaving, but the perseverant were rewarded.

Balboa: Well? Who’ll be the last man standing?

Tommy: Good luck, noobs. I brought a sleeping bag.

I think Drachma was the winner of the day — she managed to open like thirty.

Drachma: Thirty-six, counted them myself.

Actually it was like three, but whatever.

They say all owners start to look like their pets. Well, preggo-Mal and Lt. Surge just merge into a malformed marshmallow.

Malissa: Aren’t you just a fluffy little fluffball!

Lt. Surge: We don’t really match. For one thing, I’m not that stupid. For another, I’m not a ginger.

You’re right, which I suppose means we need a ginger cat!

This darling was pre-named “Ni’elle,” which is pretty much the same as another name, so I did a bit of tweaking.

Yes.

She made herself at home very quickly.

Niall is Non-Destructive as well as Playful and a Genius. I missed writing down Surge’s traits, but I’m gonna guess Non-Destructive isn’t one of them. Just a hunch.

Katana: Am I getting grandchildren or what?

Soon, I promise. Poor Katana has been the most patient heir ever on that front.

Katana: You confuse patience with indifference.

As a sort of “let me try to justify this massive delay in babymaking” plea, hear this — the heirs may not be parents yet, but by the time their kids grow up, they should have completed their LTWs. Balboa is at max alchemy and about halfway through his elixir quota, and Lira’s closing in on Inventing Level 10. Basically, I’m getting all the tedious stuff out of the way now so that I can shift the focus to the kids as early as possible.

Lira: Oh look a shiny hole, bye-bye!

You know, I take that back. Lira can’t be productive for more than five minutes, so she’ll likely be skilling away even as her children are having children. She may not even have children.

Balboa is very focused in comparison.

Boa: Is that girl behind me hot? Here, I’m going to throw some tar at you now. Did you know you’re standing on a dick?

Said “tar” was going to change Florin’s life forever.

Florin: Hey Boa!

Boa: Hey, hot girl. Oh, hey Florin… Florin?!

As if one Florin wasn’t enough to deal with, Boa’s Clone Drone elixir made another one! A legitimate alibi for the “I’m Cool Florin, you must be thinking of the other Florin” excuse.

Balboa: Now, this is very important. You can never be seen in the same place at the same time, and you need to give him a code name so that you don’t lose track of who’s who.

Clone: Excusez-moi, I ‘appen to be standing right ‘ere.

(Clone Florin is French, roll with it.)

Florin: Oh, I know! I’ll call him Coolio.

Coolio: Zees ees not zee name I ‘ad in mind.

Too bad, Balboa actually has more pressing matters he should be attending to. Like praising these cats for their use of the scratch pole. Or contributing some dance moves to the Labour Dance of Panic!

Malissa: Break it down, Gramps!

A short while later, Mandrake Langurd was born at home.

Balboa: Did I make that?

Malissa: Pretty sure I did the meat of the work here.

Balboa: Admit it, I made that.

Little Mandrake is a little man, but I discovered the power of recolouring blankets as soon as he was born, and I got really excited because the pink/blue dichotomy has always ticked me off. So he got some weedy burlap to match the house decor and his parents’ favourite pastime.

Mandrake, first son of Malissa and Balboa, was born at 10:43pm on a Friday. He arrived with Athletic locked in and subsequently rolled Absent-Minded. So far, that makes him an empty-headed jock. He likes tri-tip steak, soul music, and the colour grey, and is a Gemini.

After that, Lira knew it was time to kick her courtship with Teqeq into overdrive.

Lira: Yes, I detest art. I’m a no frills, meat and potatoes kind of girl.

Lev: Excuse me, when am I going to get my happily ever after?

Excuse me, can my spares stop this needy whining for my attention? It’s obnoxious. Go finish your LTW.

Balboa: Hmm, where did this baby mat come from?

Lira made it. Are you concerned it might be laced with poison?

Balboa: No, I would like to buy it.

Oh, brother. I guess technically your son is now for sale, too.

Lira: Teqeq! I’m so glad you’re here! Do you wanna build a snowman? It doesn’t have to be a snowman… In fact, it can be an igloo!

Teqeq: O-okay!

Teqeq: So this is called an igloo? What is it for?

Lira: It’s used as a trap for moose.

Teqeq: Wow!

Lev: I know what you did.

Lira: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Balboa: How can you just… sit there eating grilled cheese after you did those… things with an alien?

Lira: What is the fuss about? We built an igloo.

The change of clothes says it all.

Weston: How’s it going, Teqeq?

Teqeq: I have fallen in love with America. I am never leaving.

Weston: Son, this isn’t America. This is Midnight Hollow, which is more like an unreasonably advanced Victorian England.

Teqeq: Oh. Well, I’m hopping on my ship and flying ‘til I hit the Chattahoochee. I’ll send a postcard.

Boa and I have had just about enough of this Alchemy Artisan business. I’m sure he was more than wiling to make this sacrifice.

Boa: What sacrifice?

Boa: WHAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

You’ll thank me later.

Katana: So I was kind of surprised you invited me to your party.

Azula: Why would you be? I’m a cool little sister, aren’t I?

Katana: Absolutely not.

Katana: While I’m here, let me show you your great nephew. He’s the little green turd in the bottom corner.

Azula: Took a few whacks from the ugly stick, eh?

Katana: What?

Azula: Nothing.

Katana: Bitch.

Lev: Well hello, little Mandrake! Your parents put you on the “for sale” rug, so I guess that means you’re up for grabs!

Please Lev, go take your raging ovaries somewhere else and leave the kid alone.

Lev: Not until I get to have one of my own!

Sorry, that won’t be happening anytime soon…

…but for others, it’s a lot closer on the horizon. 😉

Lira: I am so sorry, my porcelain brethren!

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

There, I delivered. 😀 I’m itching to play again, so expect more soon. Maybe also expect a drop in word count and quality because I’m getting that impatient with it all, but I’ll do my darnedest to squeeze in some laughs.

Happy Simming!

-Sam