4.15 Gotta Catch’Em All!

I have waited so long to use this chapter title.

Welcome to the world of Langurd. My name is Sam. People affectionately refer to me as the Soulless Overlord. This world is inhabited far and wide by creatures called Langurd. For some people, Langurds are entertaining. Some use them in their own legacies. As for myself, I study Langurds as a profession.

But first, tell me a little about yourself. Are you a boy or a girl?

Lira: Huh?

Your very own Langurd legend is about to unfold. A world of dreams and adventure awaits you. Let’s go.

Ah, the nostalgia. :’)

Flash forward, and our brave adventurer finds the rare Lugia hiding in a watery cave!

Lira: But there are two of them?

Lugia: Yeah, Mewtwo fucked up again.

Alas, no time to save the world from a cloning experiment gone wrong. Lira has to pick her Apricorns life fruit and be on her way, so we’ll leave all that to Mr. Ketchum.

Back in Midnight Hollow, it seems Boa and Mandrake have had enough of living in exile.

Boa: You see, by the word of the law, we are entitled to exactly half of the legacy estate. If anyone tries to cheat you out of your fortune, you show them this book.

Mandrake: Living with Mutation?

Boa: Precisely.

Balboa: I am such a great father.

Mandrake: Hey guess what, I’m still awake.

Pretty sure no one actually sleeps around here. It’s just an endless party all the time, especially when you’re a toddler and your mother can’t spare three seconds to put you in your crib.

Gumby: Poopaw dwagoon!

Hey, at least he’s a jolly little fellow.

Teqeq: Guess who!

Aaaand just like that, the party is over.

Teqeq: I have lived my dream, shot a gun off the back of a pick-up truck, eaten my weight in apple pie and had a successful career in college football. It’s time I settle down.

Good for you.

Teqeq: Rumour is I have a son.

Teqeq: So how about it, Lira? Can I see the little guy?

Lira: Sure, one second. I’m just going to, uh, blow my brains out first.

Quick thinking is not her strong suit.

Teqeq: Look at that! I knew it was true — I can tell from those stretch marks, holy!

Lira: Stretch marks—? On second thought, let me blow YOUR brains out first.

The Teqira reunion did not go as well as planned. Yes, there was some indecision on my part (house space is precious, and did I really want another alien baby?) but for the most part, they just weren’t very impressed with each other.

Speaking of unimpressed… KATANA!

Katana: How’s the world without me in it? Lame? Thought so.

Shortly after, the last of Katana’s generation kicked the bucket. I’m kinda sad to see that bunch go.

Haha whoops, I mean… we still have Azula. But she’s literally just a pretty face.

Contrary to popular belief, Weston still lives. He has wisely realized that he has nothing left to live for and might as well make himself useful in his final days.

Weston: No.

Yeah, Weston is a useless deadbeat and it’s not like he’s going to change that at the very end of his life. Other deadbeats around here are actually picking up their acts; Lira is genuinely devoted to her life’s goal of becoming a master inventor.

And to her hobby, parenting.

Gumby: Food!

Lira: Maybe when you’re older.

Gumby: Dat’s kay! I’m get older now!

What a convenient solution.

Argh, Puddingface strikes again. How does this pandemic turn even the most adorable, cartoonish toddler face into a watered-down smear of dullness?

Gumby: That’s not a very nice thing to say.

Toughen up, kid. After all, you just inherited “Evil” from your mother.

Gumby: Oh, right.

From there, the only logical step was to assign him Florin’s old bedroom as an evil lair.

Gumby: But what if I fall out of bed? Will I just keep falling?

Every evil lair needs a good selection of boyband posters.

Gumby: Whoa.

What are you doing?

Gumby: Checking for monsters.

You mean so you can annihilate them with your evil alien brainwaves?

Gumby: Of course not, I’m just a kid!

No, that’s right. Kids can only do dumb stuff like stand on a chair and wave a stick around.

Gumby: I am the k-k-king of this domain! I will n-not be afraid of lumpy green flesh and curled t-t-talons! *gulp*

Poster Woman: Take me now, o brave king.

I guess that was enough lair time for one night, since he retreated downstairs as soon as he possibly could. We’ll try again later.

Hey Evil Genius, you’re supposed to play for the dark side.

Gumby: What? Why?

Oh, boy. To borrow a phrase from the Zales, I think we’ve got a case of TCTBE on our hands.

If Gumby is too cute to be evil, then I guess that makes Mandrake… too hipster to be an athlete? #THTBAA… No, that doesn’t work.

Mandrake: I lika do da cha cha.

Fun fact, Dax’s Athletic trait is a persistent little bugger. It lives on in both of the boys. In case you’ve forgotten (I have), Manny also has Absent-Minded and Workaholic, and Gumby has Evil and Loves the Heat. That makes the former a mindless but powerful drone (Ser Robert Strong, anyone?) and the latter… well, I’m pretty sure it makes him the devil incarnate.

Proud mother of said devil celebrated her son’s birthday by taking a well-deserved rest.

Lira: I don’t like this aging thing, Mr. Lion. Not one bit. A doll isn’t supposed to deteriorate so early in her life, but I just feel so tired all the time.

Lion: Mm-hmm. And how does that make you feel?

Lira: Tired! Aren’t you listening?

Lion: Can you tell me more about that?

The full moon rises and Florin is still doing everything he can to weasel his way back under our roof. (Or is it Coolio, his clone? WE’LL NEVER KNOW.)

Zombie!Florin: Ah, home sweet home! Say, I bet that old loft bedroom of mine is still sitting empty, isn’t it?

Nope, we just filled it.

Zombie!Florin: Aww man…

CRAP. While Florin was being all distracting, his Zombie friends were busy mowing down on Lira’s life fruit plants. D:

Zombies: GRAAAAIIIINS.

Weston: Don’t do that.

Zombie: Hey Susie, get a picture of this!

Susie: We are such badasses!

Thankfully, (most of) the plants were okay. After that fiasco, I finally remembered to put a lock on the garden gate.

You know, to keep the zombies away from the Precious and to ensure no one meets the same fate as Mandrake’s Momma although maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing I mean look how fun she looks in Lev’s rainbow bedroom

I figured there was only one way to teach Gumby the ways of a true sadist, and that was to have him read the entire collected works of Great Grandma Arabella.

Gumby: A Fork in the Foot, page one…

Gumby: Oh jeez, this gives me the jitters! I think I’ll do something else.

PUT THE STICK DOWN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

Mandrake: Hey. Hey dude. Cousin bro dude. Wanna go look for bugs?

Gumby: Right on, that sounds like a safe and fun activity!

Mandrake: Yeeeaaaahhh.

Couple of fools they are.

Especially since Mandrake doesn’t know what a bug is, and went fishing instead.

Mandrake: Well duh, I’m fly fishing.

Oh, well in that case, you’re a genius.

In other news, Weston is not dead ye— Oh wait.

Grim: Time’s up, Langurd.

Weston: Yes, please.

Grim: What?

Gumby: Neat-O Grandpa, you got invisibility!

Weston: Yep, that’s what this is.

Gumby: Hiya, Mr. God! When do I get my superpower?

Grim: Mr— Hell, kid, don’t sound so eager. You got your whole life ahead of you.

Gumby: Aw gee… Well, if you don’t mind, I’d really like a bedtime story.

Grim: I don’t really—

Gumby: Pretty please! Bluish Eggs with a Side of Pastrami is my favourite!

Grim: Fine, but you’d better be asleep by page three.

After Weston died, we put him to rest in the mausoleum and paid him our proper respects. Just kidding, we left his urn in the front hall and moodlet-zapped everyone, and Balboa went to a party.

This hip and happening rager was hosted by some simselves in their weird mansion that refused to render.

Audrey: I’m a model, baby.

Kayla: Walls are the BEST.

It was a great opportunity for Balboa to practise some spells.

Kayla: Should you be doing magic with an unrendered wand?

Boa: It’s totally safe! I already used it on Hyun-Moon and Audrey over there.

Hyun-Moondrey: *low moan*

Kayla: What have you created?

Balboa: RAINBOWS!

Audrey: I hate rainbows…

Balboa: FIRE!

Audrey: Yo, I dunno who’s at the mouse here but I vote we stage an overthrow.

Kayla: Amen, sister.

Boa: I’m pretty tired… I think I’ll go home now.

Hyun-Moon: You do that.

Tewl: Pinkie Pie is da best, yo.

Lira: Ugh, blasphemy! Fluttershy is OBVIOUSLY the best.

Tewl: Esscuze me, bitch?

Lira: Oh my gosh, you’re the me of three generations ago! Can I have your autograph?

Tewl: Sure thang, doll. *writes* Pinkie… Pie… 4… Lyfe.

Lira: This is the best day ever!

For a Fluttershy fan, Lira’s not much of a friend to the wildlife herself. Take the testament of this very honourable deer, for instance.

Deer: You are literally the worst human.

Lira: I take offence to that… I am not a human.

By contrast, Boa’s side of the family is basically one step away from living among the flora and fauna.

Mandrake: Daddy says he found me in the cabbage patch, and that’s why I have no Mommy.

Well, it must be true then.

Mandrake: I think I am a plantsim. I must be a plantsim.

Pudding: I eat shramps.

It’s the boys’ first day of school! Well, Gumby’s first day. And Mandrake’s first day in a while, since this sometimes happens and I fail to notice…

He does seem like the straight-B type. Mediocre Mandrake, that’s what we’ll call him from now on. 😀

Goes perfectly with GET A LIFE Gumby.

Jerri: Oh my god, get a life.

Janel: Now sweetie, don’t be rude to your second cousin.

Jerri: I could marry him instead if you want. The game mechanics would allow it.

Janel: …GET A LIFE, GUMBY.

Gumby isn’t the only Langurd who likes to climb on furniture (not that he pulls it off quite like this one does). The bathroom counter though… Niall, why must you do this to me?

Niall: Yeh don’ moind, do yeh?

YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT, YOU BEAUTIFUL THING.

*ahem*

Gumby: Hey Manny, are you trying to get superpowers like Grandpa Weston?

Mandrake: Yes, I’m trying to open the door with my mind.

Gumby: You don’t have a mind, stupid! That’s what “absent-minded” means!

Mandrake: Oh yeah.

Psych! That super intense pose of concentration/constipation was actually his pre-sparkle celebration.

Mandrake: Do I have a mind now?

Nope! And here are a couple of other things you don’t have…

1) A fourth trait, because I left my notes at the other house and I want to get this posted ASAP.

2) A shot in hell at heirship with that cloney, cloney face.

Teqeq: What is that thing?

Pokédex: Pudding, the third wheel Pokémon. It enjoys sulking, eating shramps, and preventing humans from being educated about the world.

Teqeq: Fascinating.

Just give up already, Teqeq. Go back to the mother planet.

Teqeq: I can’t! My people left me behind. Now I must adapt to this strange land of life and emotion.

What a great story. Give Universal back their plot now, please.

You’d think that, with an alien for a cousin, you would think twice before investigating strange lights. But not Mandrake. I don’t think he even thought once about it.

Mandrake: Oooooooooooo

Mandrake: Excuse me, Officer! Could you tell me what’s that strange light over the hill?

Officer: Sure, just hop in the car and we’ll have a nice chat about it.

His aunt witnessed the incident from only metres away, crouched among the reeds.

Lira: Did the cop see me??

You idiot, you’re like 43.

Back home…

Mandrake: He never did tell me what the light was.

Balboa: Do I really have to do this discipline thing?

Yes. I know you have it in you. Just turn on your inner asshole.

Balboa: That sounds bad.

WHY I NEVER!

This is what I hate about curfew. You go to school during the day and you do your homework in the evening. If you’re not allowed off the lot at night-time, how the hell are you supposed to pursue your individual enterprises? (It may surprise you to hear that I was not actually a rebel in my youth.)

Anyway, Mandrake found an easy solution. He started fishing in the man-made pond out back, which is just the epitome of an untamed landscape, considering it was probably stocked by his parents.

Mandrake: This looks just like my old fish, Freddie!

That’s because it probably is Freddie…

What the hell? Isn’t there coding to prevent this??

Gumby: Oh, it’s not really alcoholic.

Could’ve fooled me.

Gumby: I just did. *walks away*

What do you… HEY WAIT A SEC. D:

It takes a lot to outsmart me (no really, I swear) so after that, I knew Gumby was going to be the next Einstein. That and he rolled a wish for this chemistry thingy.

Gumby: Bit of Silly Putty, half a Dr. Pepper, some hydrochloric acid and… PRESTO! Homemade monster repellent! Just gotta rub it on my skin now…

Uh, I wouldn’t—

Gumby: Heeheehee, my skin burns.

Er, I’m sure Einstein made a few mistakes in the early days.

Balboa: Weeee, kitty’s getting old! The only thing left of my wife is one step closer to being gone forever!

Lt. Surge: I beg your pardon.

I think it’s sweet how Boa holds on so tight to his the animals that were Malissa’s companions in life.

Boa: Not gonna lose you to the social worker, no siree.

Wouldn’t want him to bond with, like, his own offspring or anything.

Mandrake: I enjoy being close to the ceiling.

Alrighty then.

Sometimes things in the forest hut get a little too weird.

Boa: I don’t want an expensive glowy rock! Gimme a fairy fish, damn you!!

Not-a-Fairy-Fish: KILLLLL MEEEEE

Lt. Surge: You have fleas. I have fleas. What do you say we get together and make a big flea family?

Niall: Oh Serge, yeh sure knew hew teh butter up a lass.

Lt. Surge: Right this way, milady.

No really, he’s a damn Casanova.

*thirty minutes later*

Pudding: But… but Surge! You said…

Lt. Surge: I said “Monogamy is for pussies,” remember?

Pudding: I just… So unloved…

Sorry, Puds. I can’t risk spreading the pink genes any further.

But it’s okay, you can have all the human love you want!

Balboa: Who’s my good girl?

Pudding: I don’t know, please tell me!

And this scene is just the cherry on top.

Mandrake: Hum dee dum dee dum… My compliments to the chef!

Balboa: Don’t mind me… Just taking Freddie the Second on a little vacation.

Don’t tell Mandrake, but little Freddie II went on a vacation to the boiling pot. Plot twist: He was a Fairy Damsel Fish (I think?) and he now lives on in one of these bottles of pink goop…

…which Lira promptly consumed for purely practical reasons.

Lira: I’ve always wanted to be a Skydancer!

She then rolled another very practical wish. If that’s what floats her boat, it should be easy enough to accomplish. She’s self-employed.

Lira: Tell me, life plants. You must know all there is to know about life. What exactly is the purpose of the “Insert” key?

I’m not sure if this is her Insane trait and red social bar, or her fairy connection to the plants… but she autonomously started talking to her leafy babies. Either way, I’m amused. XD

(Also, she gets to use Bloom on these babies to speed up the harvest cycle! I know, it’s a crapload of work for one step in the Master Invention opportunity… but I never did like taking the beaten path.)

Hmm, I’m leaning toward low social since apparently I ordered some mother-son bonding immediately afterward.

Lira: Good form, Gumbykins. What do you say I teach you the robot?

Gumby: You can’t do the robot, Mom. You’re a fairy princess doll.

Lira: I know, right? And your uncle is a wizard, and you’re an alien, and your siblings are all cats… In fact, your cousin Mandrake is the only human living in this house!

Gumby: Wowee.

Indeed he is, and this little human boy/wannabe plantsim had some parental bonding of his own to do.

Balboa: You know, I’m all for these wilderness treks, but in this rain?

Mandrake: Live a little, Pops!

Mandrake: Ow! Damn fish!

Boa: Live a little, son. Right, I’m going home.

No you’re not, get back here.

Now that’s what I’m talking about. Aren’t you dudebros supposed to like this kind of thing?

Boa: No.

I think he’s just jealous because Mandrake’s skill bar is fuller than his.

Lira: Come, Gumby… Let me take you on a journey of discovery… I have learned so much from my life fruits!

Gumby: Jeez, Mom! I don’t want you to teach me about life! I want to make my own mistakes… clean up my own messes… be my own man!

Lira: Wow, you are something. Sam would never write a line like that un-ironically.

Meh, I’m still kinda borderline, but I’ll go with it.

Lira: Well, now that we’ve figured out our relationship, let’s celebrate with some ice cream!

Gumby: Golly gee willakers! One pink sprinkly cone, please!

Ah, the memories. 🙂

Gumby: Hey, this isn’t a pink sprinkly cone! I’ve been swindled!

Lira: YOU’VE been swindled? I didn’t even get to order!

Lira: But I can fix that. Fairies have telepathy, you see.

Uh, nope, pretty sure that’s vampires.

Lira: Let me just feel around for a sec… Blue sprinkly cone… purple sprinkly cone… AHA!

Lira: Pink sprinkly cone!

Aww! For Gumby?

Lira: No, for me!

This one definitely inherited Katana’s trolling powers.

Niall: Serge, love… I’m pregnant.

Lt. Surge: That’s wonderful, milady.

I wouldn’t say Boa and Manny’s bonding time was as productive as Lira and Gumby’s. Despite their identical faces, these two don’t quite see eye to eye.

Boa: Son, I think you need to find yourself. Don’t worry, it’s a journey every young man must go through. When I was your age, I had to find myself, too. There was only one way for that to happen.

Boa: Son, welcome to Toadhood.

Mandrake: Oh man…

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Four days until the blog birthday! And three chapters to write, if I want to stay on schedule…

Happy Simming!

-Sam

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