4.16 Bop It

Twist it! Pull it! Flick it!

…The most innuendo-filled game of your childhood.

But hey, now that I’ve ruined that for you, let me… ruin lots of other things as well. Welcome back to the Langurds!

Lira: I am Mrs. Nesbitt!

We already did that.

Lira: But the readers liked it!

That doesn’t mean we get to repeat stuff.

Lira: Uh, yeah. It’s called a SEQUEL.

Okay, fine. Presenting: “Lira Drinks Tea 2: This Time with Wings.”

Baby Gnome: I have perfected my figure skating routine!

Gumby: Not anymore! *bop*

Aww, he’s learning how to be mean! How precious. ❤

Never mind, I take that back. I desperately need to use the “How precious” caption on this picture, only with the addition of hearts and exclamation marks.

Niall: My wee babes! Lassie, I will name yeh for yer father, Whitney of the Normal Type Gym in the Johto region. And laddie, yeh’ll be called Potato.

HOW PRECIOUS!!!!!! ❤ ❤ ❤

(If I’d been thinking, I would’ve just called them Laddie and Lassie. Sadly, I am not prone to thinking.)

Potato: Come, Whitney. We have much to see.

Two little kitties full of curiosity… One wide world to discover. A whole lot of pent-up aggression in the background?

Pudding: If I can’t reproduce, I can only destroy! This is my life now!

And this is Lira’s! Farting sparkles and using cheaty fairy powers on the life fruit vines.

Picture fairy: Do you mind? Your “fumes” are awfully close to my face.

With that harvest, she had enough life fruit to take to the science facility! Which, let me just say, is uber creepy in Midnight Hollow. But then, what isn’t?

Next step:

Hey, that sounds familiar…

I’m not a big believer in fate, but you can’t deny that some things are meant to happen.

This very diamond was collected by Tewl, cut by Razor (hardy harr) and given as a gift to Arabella.

I didn’t even know about Monster Maker back then; I just thought it was pretty and expensive, and the heart-shaped cut seemed all too convenient considering Razor’s ancient promise to Arabella.

In case you don’t believe me, here is its life story.

Razor: Milady, would you do me the honour of becoming my queen?

Ara: My goodness! Where did you find a diamond so small? It needs to be at least three times this size if I am to encrust it in my crown!

Razor: I will find you a bigger diamond someday. For now, marry me?

Ara: Under that condition, of course!

Grey Wind: What a pair of refrigerators.

Eventually he brought home this magnificent chunk of oooo, shiny.

A plain, old regular diamond (those words don’t seem to work together) with not a tinge of pink. It was Ara’s constant writing companion…

…for about two weeks. Then, I went nuts because I found a pink diamond passed down from the dead founder’s inventory. I thought “Ara loves pink! Ara loves diamonds! Why not both?”

So Razor mailed it off to be cut, and Arabella was none the wiser when we switched it out.

Apparently I even fooled myself; I later captioned this screenshot “A study for Arabella (featuring the first flowers Razor gave her, the pink diamond he found, and “Homage to Lost Unicorn”).”

So it’s a bit of a phony story in the end. BUT the story about the flowers is true — look!

Back at the base camp, Razor and Arabella were recovering from a hard day’s work.

Razor: I picked these for you whilst doing squats under a waterfall.

Liar.

Ara: Oh, they are magnificent! How did you know that pink was my favourite colour?

Razor: Lucky guess? It’s not as if I’ve known you since birth or anything.

Now, Lira was faced with a tough question. Could she justify using this little piece of history for her own selfish whims?

Lira: Actually, the question is “Will anyone notice if it is missing?”

Ah, well. I see you’ve made up your mind then.

Lira: Hey Mandrake, you hang out in the study a lot, right? Would you notice if the pink diamond went missing?

Mandrake: Durrrr, why? Did something happen to it?

Lira: Yes. It was stolen yesterday and you’re the number one suspect.

Mandrake: Oh no! But Dad already hates me… What can I do?

Lira: Make a decoy. A fake. No one will ever know.

When two idiots collide…

I know I shouldn’t complain, but I never get this graphical glitch, and I freakin’ love it. Figures it would be our little plasticine boy who finally stretched out all rubbery-like.

Gumby: Oh boy, what’s happening?

Gangly Gumby rolled Loves the Cold as his fourth trait. You’d think there would be a conflict with Loves the Heat, but no. This guy just really likes weather. Which makes him the total opposite of Grandma Grumpy Kat.

Gumby: I love everything.

I tried to channel that love into a surfer-dude makeover complete with a wintery toque (or is this one a beanie? Is there even a difference? IS THERE?). He looks quite impressed with it, too.

This is his alternate look, the Tropical Hipster.

Gumby: Peeing is sooooo mainstream.

And, just to be the ultimate contradiction, he still refuses to play for the appropriate side. I think I finally understand this kid.

Gumby: I think I’ll move this pawn three spaces. Take that, universe!

So — the boys are both teenagers with mostly developed dreams, wishes, and faces. Time to throw out an heir poll and wrap up this generation, right?

No. I like to frolic, remember? Besides, there was a little “emergency” and Lira and Boa had to leave the country for a bit.

Lira: Don’t worry, brother. We will find a way to get that weird tattoo off your arm.

Boa: Who says I don’t want it there? *sob*

Gumby: Say, Mom and Dad are gone. Wouldn’t it be swell if we threw a party?

Mandrake: Man, I’onno about that. I’m already on the rocks with ma’ Pops, don’t wanna screw it up worse, y’know?

Gumby: But it will be the perfect time for me to get all the girls while you’re ugly and covered in warts!

Mandrake: Oh. Well… okay, let’s do it.

Gumby: Hi, I’d like to order a pizza please. And by that I mean girls. Lots of them.

Kayla: I’m here! Where’s the party?

Errrmm, I hate to break it to you, but aren’t you a little…

Kayla: What?

…Mature?

Kayla: Nope!

…Sophisticated?

Kayla: Nope!

…Cool?

Kayla: Damn, you’re right, I’d better leave.

While we’re on the topic of simselves, here’s a funny story: two of them (Michelle Lynne and Joey Hudson a.k.a. Darzio) decided to make things really awkward by getting married. They then had a son, and their son is now courting the son of my own simself. I’m going to do us all a favour and bite back the slew of jokes that could make things really weird for everyone.

Guest #2: Hi, is this the wild teen party? Where are all the girls? My buddy said there would be girls.

He must have scared them all away when he put on that sweater. (For the record, NOT an outfit I designed for him.)

LOOK, A GIRL! Too bad it’s Nina Langurd-Crosby, Gumby and Mandrake’s second cousin and the granddaughter of…

Nina: Ugh, I hate your china cabinet!

…If you didn’t guess “granddaughter of Lance,” you haven’t been reading right. 😛

Gumby: When the pickins are this slim, a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.

What are you…

NO, GUMBY. NO.

Gumby: Welcome to “The Underworld,” the most hip-hop-happenin’ spot in Midnight Hollow! Our alcohol is stored next to very hot pipes used to heat the large stone basin overhead. In fact, the entire atmosphere here is very flammable. *CRASH* Oops!

You know it’s a great party when your first guest disappears and your second one’s face looks like THIS all the time.

Nina: This does not please me.

Nina: Neither does this.

On second thought, I think it’s just her bone structure.

Gumby: Hey Nina, come have a drink!

Nina: No, I want to touch the fire.

Mandrake: Yo, what’s hangin’? I just sent up a flare from the roof!

The only explanation, seeing as WE HAVE NO NEIGHBOURS??

Gumby: GOLLY GOSH, THE FEDS ARE COMING! Everyone pretend there is no party here!

Nina: Should be easy enough, seeing as there isn’t.

Mandrake: I think I will go feed the cats.

Gumby: That’s right, Mandrake! Play it cool!

Gumby: Dang nabbit, I said “play it cool,” not “play dead!” How am I gonna explain this situation?

You mean the tray of drinks and the unconscious teenage girl on your floor? HAHA yeah, good luck with that.

There’s something not quite right about this picture.

Whitney: Are you my mommy?

Well, MHPD showed up as promised. The stress was just too much for Gumby’s poor nerves, and he wet himself under the officer’s sharp-eyed scrutiny.

Gumby: I c-c-can explain, officer! The g-girl out there was not r-roofied, th-that’s for sure!

Officer: What? No, I’m looking for Mandrake Langurd. He around here somewhere?

YEAH, MANDRAKE, shame on you! What a terrible idea!

We finally found the other guest just as things were wrapping up. All I can say is what the fuck?

Guest: Yeah man, it was getting late. Didn’t want to get on my bicycle without a proper rest.

Kids these days.

Dax: Did somebody say “party”?

Mandrake: Yeah! Four hours ago, though.

Dax: Aw poop…

Mandrake: Want to help me clean up?

Dax: My pleasure, sonny boy!

This, of course, raises a very important question. Can ghosts even get—

Dax: Herpes? Hehehe, it’s a secret!

Things I did not need to know…

By the time the parentals returned, the house was cleaner than these idiots manage to keep it on any given day. Still, Mandrake copped all the flack for everything. Of course.

Boa: Gumby tells me you had the brilliant idea to throw a party while we were gone. Is this true?

Mandrake: You… you think I’m brilliant?

Boa: No, I think you’re a moron! I told you to find yourself, not find a bottle of Jack and tip ‘er inside!

Mandrake: What’s a jackentipper?

Boa: I am ashamed of you, young man! I was planning to turn you back when I got home, but now I think I’ll wait. You clearly still have work to do.

See? I knew you could do this scolding thing!

Boa: I turned on my inner asshole.

Yeah you did. 😉

Gumby: Alright, bring it. I’m ready.

Boa: I need you to tell your mom that she had no business getting my tattoo removed. That wasn’t her decision to make.

Gumby: What? Why can’t you just tell her yourself?

Boa: I am not currently speaking to her.

Gumby: I’m not an owl!

You are an extraterrestrial though, and that means you can do all kinds of crazy things to get back in the grown-ups’ good books!

Gumby: Chad Creeper could’ve benefited from this.

Seriously, what a mess. I’d never done the teen party thing before, so I thought “what the hell, let’s be spontaneous.” As per usual, my leap of faith backfired and…

NOOOOOOO! There goes 80% of a SimBot! D:

To make matters worse, I checked online, and there’s no way to get the opportunity again. Supposedly, it’s a one-time thing that happens when you get to Inventing Level 10? And you can’t induce it again without — I suppose — going back to level nine and levelling up?? I don’t even know, all I know is the party REALLY FUCKED THINGS UP. This was supposed to be the crowning moment of the whole generation, and we’ve been saving house space for so long, and it’s not like we even had a real party, and…

Well anyway, I tried a lot of stuff. I went back to the last save point (right after the adults left, DAMMIT) and then I fiddled with NRaaS for like an hour. Finally, I figured out how to generate skill-specific opportunities. It came really close to not working, but finally…

The SimBot was back on track. I know, this is all a bit cheaty… but imagine my distress, will you? It would have been one thing if I had consciously switched out the opportunity for a more lucrative one, or if the party had actually been – you know – a PARTY. But the whole thing seemed so dumb and easily avoided that I figured, what’s it worth in the grand scheme of things? If the opportunity had shown up like three hours later, we’d have been in the clear. I’m trying to justify this for my own peace of mind, but judge me as you will. I will stand by my sins at the Great Sept of Baelor.

In other news, we checked the mail for the first time in ages, and “never” is the only correct answer to this question.

Life carried on as usual, if we have a “usual,” that is. Gumby started high school with a “Grounded” moodlet and a reputation for throwing the worst parties ever.

Gumby: Got my shoes shined up, my lunch all packed in a paper bag… Time to make some friends!

A moment of appreciation for the School of Hard Knocks, one of my favourite rabbitholes in Midnight Hollow. I approve of the state of education in this town. If an institution ain’t toughenin’ up the world leaders of tomorrow, I gotta wonder where my tax-payin’ dollars are goin’ (sonny).

I daresay this school might even be putting Gumby on the right wrong track!

Gumby: Boy, I feel ever so evil today! Sneaking everywhere is FUN!

Lira: That’s nice. Here, let me take that moodlet off your hands.

Gumby: No! It’s mine, you can’t have it!!

Lira: Too late.

Ooooh, what is this beautiful shiny thing?

Cashew: I know, aren’t I sexy?

Actually, I was talking about the gemstone in the background but— OH HEY LOOK, a unicorn!

Unicorns will always be a bittersweet reminder for this family. But I think we’ve recovered enough emotionally from Rarity’s removal (lest we forget…) that we can start interacting with the beasts again.

Boa: Wow, you’re a unicorn.

Cashew: And you’re an apple!

Boa: Close, but no cigar.

Cashew: NOOB, how dare you deny me a cigar!

Boa: Okay, bye.

I guess we haven’t gotten any better at keeping them happy. 😦

Gumby: Look, Manny, I’ve been feeling pretty bad about pegging that party nonsense on you. Here’s a little alien magic to make you feel better.

Mandrake: Wow, thanks, Gumby! Say, I feel kinda sleepy.

Gumby: Hehehehe…

While Gumby was taking advantage of his doorknob cousin, Lira was putting the final touches on her Master Invention.

Lira: Just have to rewire the wing retractor and he’ll be all set!

You may have guessed by now where this is going. But just in case, here’s another edition of “Look Guys Look How Good I Am at Foreshadowing!”

Lira: This will be ours, friend. We’ll fill the halls with Raggedy Anns and rocking horses and little green army men…

Lira: And of course my household guard of GI Joes and Buzz Lightyears! Heeheehee!

Evil sims are so predictable.

Lira: Oh boy, I hope it’s a Buzz Lightyear!

Nope, it was a “Frosty Waves.” That blue and white painting with the frost patterns? It seemed so fitting that I coloured it grey and hung it in her bathroom.

Dreaming of true love… Maybe Lira is susceptible to hormones after all.

Lira: Please! I’m dreaming of the artificial heart I will put in my Buzz Lightyear.

What do you mean, “artificial heart”? Wait a second, that must mean…

Lira: MY BUZZ LIGHTYEAR!

Buzz: And there seems to be no sign of intelligent life anywhere.

I officially regret nothing. 😀

…Except maybe this.

Buzz: Spare me your lies, temptress! Your emperor’s defeated, and I’m immune to your bewitching good looks.

Lira: Doesn’t look like it, you gorgeous hunk… of scrap metal.

Buzz: Oh, baby. Whadda ya say we go sit around a campfire and make delicious hot schmoes?

Lira: I love schmoes!

Buzz: The mission is a go.

For better or for worse, I think Lira has found the perfect “man.”

Boa: If you tell Lira you helped me get my tattoo back, your fate will be much worse than this, you hear?

Old Man: Y-yes sir!

Apparently that was all Boa needed to dispel his rotten mood. Shortly after, he came home and mixed up an antidote for Manny.

Boa: Sorry about earlier, son. I may have overreacted.

Mandrake: Okay, but uh, Dad? I did find myself while I was a toad. And I have something to tell you.

Oh dayum, plot twist!

To be continued, because somebody picked this moment for a change of scenery…

…and wouldn’t you rather witness a fairy wooing a robot in a solid gold lavatory?

No, me neither.

Lira: Here, let me iron out the knuts for you. I know it’s none of my bismuth, but your shoulders seem a little titanium. I’m not trying to copper a feel of your circuits, that’s for cer-tin.

Buzz: Ah, that’s gold. Mind if I steel a kiss after?

One thing lead to another and…

Tewl: COCKBLOCK! Yer welcome, readers.

Tewl: Dem puns was juss horrifyin’.

Lira: Oh, I know! What was I thinking? It must be the robot’s fault!

Tewl: Exaktly! Kick ‘im to da curb, baby gurl.

Buzz: What?

Lira: I didn’t mean any of it, Buzzy Bee! I was just trying to impress the higher-ups.

Buzz: You’re forgiven, Lira-Lou. You wanna talk about daddy issues, I’ll tell you all about the time I defeated Zurg.

Buzz: But first, let’s tango!

Lira: *KERSPLAT*

Buzz: Oops, I don’t think you engineered me for acrobatics.

Buzz: Let me make it up to you with a big, shiny rock.

Lira: Oh, I like rocks! And shiny things!

Buzz: So that’s a yes?

Lira: Are you kidding? No!

Buzz: Years of academy training wasted…

Damn insane Sims. Dax is still causing problems for this family from the great beyond.

Lira: Ooooh, a shiny thing! Can I touch it?

Sure, go ahead. It’s not like we’re in the middle of any important plot developments. I suppose it’s about time we tested this new expansion pack… that came out two years ago.

Lira: Ow. Heehee, that was fun! Let’s go again!

And here we are in Oasis Landing, also known as The Capitol.

Everyone: Let’s go swimming!

Buzz: Let’s not.

First thing we did was track down the descendants of each family line. I didn’t write down names or anything because I suck.

Boa: Oh thank goodness, I have grandchildren! This must mean my son will marry a woman!

Descendant: Not necessarily, we have all kinds of technology these days…

Best not open that can of worms, Mr. Future Langurd. He’s heavily compartmentalizing right now.

Descendant #2: Wowee, a time traveller from my past! Let me go get the crackers and soda!

Judging by this descendant’s appearance and demeanour, Gumby mates with himself for several generations.

Turns out the future is a rather dismal place with not much to do. The whole point of the trip was to engineer a baby (I mean, what?) and that was a bust. Meanwhile, Mandrake made like a trailer camper and did the things he could have done just as easily if he’d stayed at home.

Mandrake: Nah, I’m hunting for the rare radiation fish! It’s a delicacy!

You gotta love how far-reaching pop culture is. Ten years ago, anyone’s definition of “the future” would have been “Big Brother! The Jetsons!” but now? The future is epitomized by what’s his name from The Hunger Games with the funny facial hair.

(It’s Seneca Crane, by the way. I know things. I’m just pretending not to for comedic effect.)

Lira, naturally, had to check out the Plumbot store. See how their work compared to her own.

Bluey: Yes, we’re a very green establishment here, we like to make sure all our manufacturing practices are eco-friendly.

Lira: I’ll show you “eco-friendly”…

(And “redundancy.” Dat jetpack/wing combo.)

Lira: Ashes to ashes, dust to dust! It’s all part of the great circle of life!

Plumbot: GREGORY, NOOOOOO!

Ah, the magical teleporting flames have returned. This time, they made it all the way to another building! The home-base building that the Langurds are lodging in, to be precise.

Blondie: Aww shit, did someone try to cook waffles in the coffee table again?

Brownie: Come on, man. I know we’re supposed to be all hi-tech, but you can’t just sit on air.

Sleeves: So I was thinking we should sponsor that pair from District Twelve this year! What is it, Katpiss and Peewee? I would just hate to see those two sweethearts torn apart!

Gee, that looks pretty bad. I guess we should stick around and help them…

 

Or we could leave them frozen in their fiery hell until the next time we go on a timey-wimey adventure. Which, tbh, will probably be never.

Oh wow, I should really scroll down before I write things.

Lira: Look at this, Buzz! It’s the clawwwwww.

Buzz: Now listen here, I’ve had a run-in with that thing before. I think you should let me shoot it with my laser cannon.

Lira: Oh, but I was thinking we could do other things!

Lira: Guess what things we did!

I’m omniscient, remember? I already know.

Lira: Well, I’ll tell you. We made a baby.

Correction — you tried. There was no lullabye, so I’m going to assume there WON’T be a teenaged hybrid thing crawling out of that portal in a few days’ time. (Hey, it wasn’t such a bad idea. It would have solved the age gap between this kid and the others, and we’d get to skip the boring life phases! Buuuut I realized after one failed attempt that it was probably pushing a few boundaries.)

So they resorted to more traditional methods. I sure hope that ringtone is something atmospheric.

Lira: It’s the theme from Chucky!

Of course it is.

So on another note, prom happened at some point, but I can’t remember when. I found these caps in my screenshot folder with no context whatsoever. So I made my best estimate as to the time frame shoved them at random into a chapter.

What, did he think the guy was carrying an extra tux in his back pocket for emergencies like this? Because, you know, he should have been.

Melonie? MELONIE? I’m sorry if you’re reading this and your name is Melonie, but it sounds like a cruel nickname bestowed on a “Melanie” by a bunch of high school boys.

Or wait, maybe that’s exactly what’s happening here.

NO! Heaven forbid someone say suggestive things to dearest Melonie!

And from that moment on, Gumby Langurd sat on a chair and stared at the jeweled crown EVERY DAY, for the REST OF HIS LIFE, until he was old and grey and dead.

Uh, speaking of which, it looks like the camera neglected Balboa for so long that he grew old and grey himself. Sorry, mate.

Balboa: Shit happens.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Well, I tried. It looks like this’ll be the last post before the birthday special. Gonna be too busy partying it up grinding out a really elaborate post to work on any regular chapters. See you then!

Happy Simming!

-Sam

P.S. I remembered Mandrake’s fourth trait! t’s Daredevil. Writing it in a post-script was obviously a genius idea and we will all certainly remember it next time. No doubt.