Langurd Birthday Bash Extravaganza! Part Two
It’s not technically the birthday anymore, but that just means we’re partying into the next morning because I’ve been really slow about writing this post because we are can’t-stop-won’t-stop party animals. Deal with it.
Tewl: Right. Time to kick it up a notch up in hurr.
Oh lord, I shudder to think what that means…
Tewl: Thanks fur answerin’ my matin’ call.
Laura: No probs.
There’s the Tewl I know and love.
Nate: You know this guy’s just trying to get in your pants, right?
Laura: Really? ‘Cause I thought “mating call” meant he wanted to be friends.
The party has officially taken over the Introvert Safe Room.
Sammy: It’s okay, at least I still have this chair to myself.
Livy: Not for long. I’m waiting.
Sammy: Oh, come on…
Some people are still bored with the company though, or possibly just boycotting the party on account of no cake.
Kayla: Iqbal Alvi says you deserve to be shot.
More of this happened, too.
Julia: Aren’t you guys married in the main save?
Sammy: God, Julia, you can’t just ask people if they’re married!
Livy: Seriously, anytime now. My feet are sore.
Tewl: Hay gurl, how’s about I take yew somewhere real nice?
He then went and “shared a secret” with Kayla.
Tewl: Check out dem wings, huh? I gotta get me a pair’a those.
Kayla: Haha, too bad you’re no angel.
Tam: Are they… bonding romantically over my tattoo?
Not yet, but…
…they heart-farted, and they sure had a nice cozy conversation in the corner.
Susan: Could you have it somewhere else? I need to computer, now.
Tewl: So… do yew like cheese?
Kayla: I LOVE CHEESE.
Susan: You will rue the day you kept me from mouse and keyboard.
Woooo, others are taking up the tradition! Good luck, Audrey.
Audrey: This really isn’t that hard.
Yeah, well… well… Laura’s tiny! Hmph.
While all that madness was unfolding, Nate watched the weather channel really intently.
And my simself stared out the window again.
Sam: Life is so vast, you know?
Stahp it, I didn’t give you the “Brooding” trait (though I possibly should have).
Julia: Hey, you know what’s fun to do at parties?
Kayla: Pfffft Laserkatt, more like Copykatt.
Julia: TROLL IN THE DUNGEON!
Tewl: SHIT! *goes for self-defensive crotch grab* *misses by a mile* *doesn’t realize he’s dealing with a woman*
Tewl: Awww dangit, I just got scared by a girl!
Julia: I could beat you up next if you want.
Sammy: Hey look everyone, Tewl just got his ass handed to him!
Everyone: No, too busy watching the weatherman.
Heather: Or we would be, if Nate’s head weren’t in the way.
Livy: Finally got to sit down, yusssss.
Julia: Hey Sam, what’s with the boyband poster?
Sam: I don’t live here.
Julia: Yeah, but you built it. So which one do you want to marry the most?
Sam: LEAVE ME ALONE THEY ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL.
And then… Tewl’s first autonomous flirt of the night. He used “Pick-Up Line,” and I really want to know what it was because it WORKED. I don’t know if you remember his early days in the dating game, but that wasn’t how things went down most of the time…
So it must just be a fluke.
Tewl: Le’ss see how many gurls I can get dis line to work on.
Samali: What is this party? I didn’t come here to get creeped on!
Stephanie: Don’t worry, it’s not like it’s going to work.
Stephanie: Oh Tewl, take me now!
I guess that’s two.
Make that three.
Stephanie: Shot through the heart! How could Tewl betray me??
Heather: Tewl’s a real charmer in person, isn’t he?
Samali: Yeah, somehow.
Audrey: No way, man. Don’t come any closer. Legend has it you get girls pregnant just by looking at them.
FIVE, holy crap. And consecutively too??
Tam makes six.
Sam in background: This isn’t supposed to be happening! All my plaaaans are ruuuuuiiiined!!
Sam: What are we going to do about this?
Relax, we’ll improvise.
And keep counting — seven.
Sammy: Oh stop, you’re making me blush!
Livy: Pah! I will be immune to these so-called “charms.”
Julia: Hello, can we get a reality check up in here?
Julia: I’m sorry, but you’re not all that.
Heather: What did you just say?
Tewl: But… da pickup line failed me?
Maybe you forgot some of the words.
I wouldn’t put it past him to butcher it a little more each time he used it. His brain is like a game of broken telephone.
Joey: That line didn’t even make sense! At least come prepared if you wanna get with this!
The Foolproof Pickup Line made a fool of him, and yet…
Sam: Can I tell you a secret? I designed you based on my personal ideal of what a real man should be.*********
Tewl: Dat’s no secret, baby.
(*********Not even a little bit true.)
Actually though. I may puke. Or cry. Or shoot myself.
Sam: See? He came prepared when it was me he was after.
Joey: Yeah, I’m soooo jealous.
Total score so far: 11/13. Probably the highest score Tewl has ever gotten on anything. Time for a breather, so as not too push his luck or anything.
Nate: Do you really have to sit so close?
Tewl: Yeeaaaaahhhh go Cowboys!
Nate: Cowboys? On the weather channel?!
Tewl: Le’ss give dis pickup line one more shot…
Nate: GET OFF ME YOU FREAK!
Tewl: Did I say it wrong again?
Tewl: Tell me where I gone wrong, I need to get da ladies!
Nate: Not elbowing them in the mouth would be a start.
Tewl: Can I kiss it better?
Nate: Um, NO?
Total score: 11/14. Wait… that doesn’t account for everyone, does it? Jeez, I’m bad enough at managing eight sims.
With sixteen, a few were bound to slip out. I have no idea where Laura went, but Salome was way, way, upstairs, contemplating which wand to kill everybody with.
At least, that’s what I’m gathering from her expression here. XD
Julia: Guys, come quick. There’s a… situation.
Audrey: It can’t be as exciting as scattered showers across Alberta! Wowee!
Tewl & Nate *much tension*
Nate: Is that… a baby?
Kayla: Yep, I had her just now!
Audrey: Get out of town. The legend is real?
Tewl: Lol dat does look like my skin tone, dunnit?
Julia: Now hang on. There’s only one way to know for sure. Who was the second person Tewl flirted with?
Julia: Wasn’t it you, Stephanie?
Tewl: Oh look, another one!
Stephanie: You guys aren’t seriously suggesting that that baby is mine, are you?
Tewl: Oh goody, two more illegitimate childrens to add to my street cred!
Audrey: You’re so dumb I can’t even look at you.
Stephanie: Suddenly I regret signing up for this…
Baby: *choking on hair*
Audrey: Oh shit.
Audrey: Well, this is preposterous. I refuse to care for this child.
Livy: That’s fine, I will!
Nate: Do you think I could crawl out through the fireplace?
Sam: It’s too late. There is no escape…
Tewl: Wtf is dis shit?
Well you see, it’s like Harry with the Hogwarts letters, but it’s babies instead. The Gods of Human Decency are desperately trying to reach you…
Allow me to explain. This whole thing started out as a big practical-joke-turned-genetic-experiment. I wanted to show you guys that you’re an important part of this legacy’s massive success continued existence, so I thought — why not make you all a part of the legacy? Genetically, that is. This is what I meant by “no boundaries.” I’m a scientist lol.
So, if you’ve ever wondered what you would look like as a Langurd, look no further…
…for each of you now has a Langurd dwarf child!
Aging everyone up was a shitshow.
Mutant: You’re next.
My game crashed several times.
But you see, I figured out a trick to make things easier on my poor, poor computer.
Tewl: WHY? WHY U DO DIS TO ME? *hysterical sobbing*
He’s crying because I killed all his babies.
No, really. The only way to do this was to save each one to the CAS bin and then “Force Kill” them. That way, I gradually cleared out household space and my game stopped threatening to combust. Why yes, how observant — I did, in fact, do the same thing to your simselves hours ago. 😉
But don’t worry, the kids still exist in another save file!
All sixteen of them!
Here’s the deal: You know that I do name themes for each generation based on the heir’s traits/LTW/falsely-inflicted persona. For each simself, I picked a theme that I would use if that simself were to head up a generation. I obviously only got to use one name from each theme, but it’s the thought that counts and hey, I had to do sixteen of them so I’ll hear no complaining!
Then I went to town coming up with how I would write these characters if they were in my legacy (you know, how I would blow their traits out of proportion for narrative effect). The traits are about 60% randomized and 40% “oh hey, that would be fun.” I also rerolled some faces if they were too cloney (talking to you, Heather! You refused to produce anything but Mini-Me’s).
Note: If your simself has a last name besides “Simself,” I gave the kid that last name. If not, your kid is a Langurd by blood and on paper.
Anyway, here they are: The 16 Bastards of July 12th!
Blue Stephens, Daughter of Tewl and Kayla
Kayla writes The Valkyrie Legacy and various things, but I haven’t seen her around in a while! Report any sightings to 1-800-FINDKAYLA.
Name theme: Kayla’s bio says she likes cheese, so I picked types of cheese for her theme. Naturally, I chose the one cheese that could easily be anything but a cheese. Wow, I’m writing “cheese” a lot. Close contenders were Havarti and Mozzarella.
Bot fan, childish, computer whiz, eccentric, hydrophobic. More than a Machine.
Blue is the most normal girl in the world. She likes Disney movies and playing old video games and eating Pop Tarts when she’s supposed to be dieting. So what’s the catch, then? Despite her obvious normalcy, Blue is convinced she’s a robot. She won’t touch a drop of water for fear of short-circuiting, and she’s determined to engineer the perfect sentient counterpart to grow old with. When we inquired about an interview, we were informed that she’d given up speaking English in favour of her “mother” tongue, binary. We asked her friends to comment. “As you can imagine, she smells really bad,” they said. “We don’t hang around her anymore.”
Java Weaver, son of Tewl and Echo.
Name theme: Programming languages, since Susan is a software engineer and knows things about the Sims on a way deeper level than I can possibly comprehend. Other options were… You caught me, I don’t know any other programming languages because my skills aren’t marketable.
Coward, hydrophobic, light sleeper, photographer’s eye, proper. World-Class Gallery.
Java would be a great photographer if only he could get a little closer to the action. His professional colleagues urge him to “get down and dirty” with his subjects, but the mere thought of it makes Java shudder. The trouble is, he hates water and germs and is very easily startled. His published work is known to be distant at best, shaky at worst. “Ah yes, that one,” he says, referring to a blurry portrait. “A bug landed on my shoulder.” He confesses that he sometimes lies awake at night, terrified that his unsatisfied clients will burst in and murder him. “I prefer to experience the world from behind my camera,” he tells us. “Ideally, they will invent a lens with such a powerful zoom that I will be able to take photographs from my dinner table.”
Aquamarine Zalesby, daughter of Tewl and Heather.
Heather writes the Zale ISBI Alphabetcy and is insane for doing so. Her simself’s surname is ZaleISBI, but I changed Aqua’s to Zalesby because that’s how I say it in my head. 😛
Name theme: You don’t have to check Sim!Heather’s trait panel to know her favourite colour. Shortlisted shades of turquoise include Cyan, Celeste, and Teal.
Can’t Stand Art, Family Oriented, Friendly, Good, Perceptive. Surrounded by Family.
Aquamarine is a no-nonsense supermom who just doesn’t have kids yet, but she definitely has the mom jeans for the job! She doesn’t see the point in coordinating colours, living by the philosophy that “Blue is blue.” She said the same thing when we showed her a purple square, so we suspect she may be colour blind. However, she makes up for her unrefined palate by being an exceptional people-reader. She made a real impression on Phil, our sound guy, when she offered him an oatmeal cookie. He’d just broken up with his girlfriend, who had kept him on a strict no-sugar diet. “Marry me,” he sobbed, hugging her. “I hate weddings,” said Aquamarine. “Too many frills and tags.” Baffled, we asked if she’d rather grow old with cats. “Are you kidding?” she said. “All those litter boxes? No thanks.”
Gronckle Langurd, son of Tewl and Salome.
Name theme: Breeds of dragon from How to Train Your Dragon. This was tricky because I don’t know much about Voguishstorm, but “Nightwisp” reminded me of “Nightfury.” Also, there was a crow called Ladon in one of her chapters, so she must like dragons a little bit, right? Please tell me you like dragons, Salome!)
Dog Person, Loner, Loser, Perfectionist, Unflirty. Canine Companion.
Gronckle is truly the definition of a sad, strange little man. Fired from his job as a stock broker after losing half of the company’s money, he spends his days polishing and rearranging his collection of dog figurines. Sometimes he even speaks to them and takes them for walks, as he is too allergic to own real dogs. What’s more, he is losing his hair from worrying about not being able to grow hair above the neck. Some think he is just waiting for the perfect woman to come along and break him out of his comfort zone, but Gronckle isn’t sure he had a comfort zone to begin with.
Twi’lek Lynne, daughter of Tewl and Michelle
MichelleLynne01 writes The Insanity Family Backwards ISBI.
Name theme: Star Wars alien races on account of the obscene number of abductions in Michelle’s legacy. Other options: Gungan, Wookiee.
Athletic, brave, hot-headed, loves the heat, vehicle enthusiast. Firefighter Superhero.
Twi’lek has a hot head and she loves it (the heat, that is). She has no fear of the flames and is her town’s best and brightest firefighter. However, she is known to be extremely reckless in dangerous situations, running into burning buildings saying “I LOVE FIRE!” among other things, and she is currently on probation for taking the fire engine on joyrides. We asked her how she feels about this. “REALLY MAD,” she said.
Blatch Winterwolf, daughter of Tewl and Sam.
Sam writes this blog. Sam wishes she hadn’t started this sentence in the third person, as it makes her uncomfortable.
Name theme: Quidditch fouls as listed in Quidditch Through the Ages. “Blatching” consists of flying toward someone with the intention of colliding. (Not a foul in Muggle quidditch, for the record. And not just ‘cause we can’t fly.)
Artistic, Diva, Kleptomaniac, Party Animal, Virtuoso. One Sim Band.
Blatch Winterwolf is a starving artist and proud of it. “But you’re not really starving, are you?” we asked her. “I see you’re wearing a lot of jewellery there.” “YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE,” she responded, and refused to speak to us again for three days. The next time we met with her, she was much more forthcoming. “I do weird things when I’m drunk,” she confessed. “I can’t help it. You see this tattoo? I put it on myself one night, and I don’t remember a thing. Good thing it turned out so nice, right?” When our scribe hesitated, she threw us out again. We decided to stick to interviewing her friends. “Blatch is a psychotic maniac who trusts no one and can’t be trusted,” said one of them. “That jewellery is definitely stolen. She doesn’t even take it off to swim or go to sleep.”
Polly Esther Darroch, daughter of Tewl and Laura
Janeeyreforce writes The Darroch Legacy, which is currently on hiatus for the RL Darroch Legacy.
Name theme: Puns make great names, as Laura (janeeyreforce) and I (gryffindork) would both attest. Other options: Robin Banks.
Couch potato, excitable, loves the outdoors, neat, unstable. Grand Explorer.
Polly Esther is a suppressed housewife who uses reality TV as an escape mechanism. Her favourite show by far is Survivor. One day, she tied a checkered placemat around her head and remarked that she would look pretty good in a buff. Since then, she has checked out every book in the library on wilderness survival and edible plants. She trains every morning and studies every evening, and practises her spelling for tribal council. It was a close call one day when she accidentally put poison ivy in the dinner! Thankfully, her husband was too busy choking to ask questions. “Polly Esther Darroch WILL be the best Sole Survivor the show has ever seen,” she told us. “That is all. The tribe has spoken.”
Manic Sama, daughter of Tewl and Sammy.
Name theme: Brands of hair dye, because Sammy is always dying her hair fun colours. If there’d been a twin, she would have been called Panic.
Eco Friendly, Frugal, Genius, Sailor, Shy. Scientific Specialist.
At twenty years old, Manic made the brave decision to live on a boat. The goal? To make her ecological footprint as small as possible, to live on the bare minimum and to get the hell away from humankind. To be honest, she is probably just dodging some tax laws. However, she claims to live a completely organic lifestyle, gathering her own food and weaving her clothes out of pond reeds and cattails. We had a few questions for her, starting with her hair. “It’s natural,” she promised. “The sun bleaches it that way.” Next, we inquired as to the motor on her boat — surely that must run on petroleum? “That’s enough questions,” she snapped. “Can’t you see I’m an introvert?”
Sassy Laserkatt, daughter of Tewl and Julia
Laserkatt writes the LISBI, or Loki Is Surrounded by Idiots.
Name theme: Most popular cat names, duh. I hardly think I need to explain this one.
Good, irresistible, never nude, schmoozer, virtuoso. Leader of the Free World.
Sassy’s mother always wanted to grow old with cats, but instead she had five children. After a difficult upbringing with siblings Lucky, Pepper, Tigger, and Socks, Sassy found her way into politics and hasn’t looked back since. The golden girl of Sunset Valley, she has her sights set on presidency and has never wanted anything more… Until six months ago, when her friend took her to a One Direction concert. From pyrotechnics and teenage sweat rose a new dream, to assemble the next big girl group and take the music scene by storm! Torn between two vastly different ambitions, can Sassy keep her rock ‘n’ roll life a secret? Newly reconciled half-sister Blatch could help her pull off a Hannah Montana of epic proportions, but it won’t be easy. And now there’s the question of her missing jewellery…
Swagman Nike, son of Tewl and Samali.
Name theme: Australian words that make me giggle. That Sam is Australian and this Sam is half-Australian, so what could be better? Shortlisted: Bogan, Dunnie, Arvo.
Bookworm, Born Salesman, Gatherer, Loves the Outdoors, Over-Emotional. CEO of a Mega-Corporation.
Swagman is straight out of the Australian bush, where he just spent six years building a spiritual connection to the land. “Coolibah trees are great,” he says. “You can sit there with a good book while your billy’s boiling, it’s really nice.” Now that his trek is over, he’s bagged himself a multi-million-dollar book deal with Walkabout Adventures. “I’m going to write about my experiences, hopefully convince others to go out and do the same. It’s a really personal thing, nothing commercial or capitalist or any of that rubbish.” He pulled out an iPhone to check his schedule. “Don’t s’pose you blokes wanna come to a formal event tonight?” he inquired. “You’ll come a’waltzing Matilda with me, right?”
Minorca Langurd, daughter of Tewl and Tam.
Autumnrein writes The Winters ISBI.
Name theme: Tam has a hobby farm with chickens, which I think is really cool. Thus, her simself’s children shall be named after breeds of chicken.
Genius, Good Sense of Humour, Natural Born Performer, Night Owl, Workaholic. Master Magician.
A legal secretary by day, Minorca dreams of James, the handsome paralegal two cubicles over. She is quiet and dorky at work, but if only he could see her after the sun sets! By night, she does improv puppet shows at a local gay bar. Under the lights of the stage, Minorca the Dorka (as they called her in middle school) becomes Minorca the Magical! Her audience loves her! She only wishes James would walk through the door one night, but she is equally terrified that he will. There have been rumours, after all…
Frack Phyrcracker, daughter of Tewl and Nate.
Name theme: Nate has a no-swearing policy on his blog, which is pretty admirable. I wish I didn’t rely on swears so much for comedy. It turns out swears that aren’t swears make half-decent baby names, at least for Sims. Alternates: Frick, Fudge, Biscuit, Bleep, Gorram.
Absent-minded, loner, mean-spirited, no sense of humour, unflirty. Jack of All Trades.
Frack is not a happy camper. Sorry, she’s requested a correction here: “I don’t camp,” she says, holding our camera guy by the throat. So let’s just say she’s not exactly Mary Poppins, okay? In her spare time, she enjoys going to ball games. When we asked what her team was, she told us she doesn’t have one. “I buy front row tickets just to boo the players,” she explained. She currently works as a waitress, where she deliberately spills soda on a customer at least once a day, but she is “in it to quit it” and plans to give up that gig within the year. “Ideally, I’d like to do that five times,” said Frack, who gets a thrill out of resigning.
Lutz Langurd, daughter of Tewl and Audrey.
Audrey used to write My Own Personal Hell, but she seems to have dropped off the face of the planet.
Name theme: Figure skating elements because we bonded over our ruined skaters’ feet in the comments one time. Others: Choctaw, Salchow, Biellman.
Bookworm, Dramatic, Eccentric, Family Oriented, Hopeless Romantic. Superstar Actor.
Lutz reads a lot of YA novels. A LOT. She’s made spreadsheets comparing the most ideal fictional husbands, and manages a massively popular tumblr where fangirls can place bids to formally “own” their favourite characters. Lutz herself is the proud owner of Augustus Waters, Emmett Cullen, and Finnick Odair. Her next big plan is to break into the film industry. “I’m going to get cast as a female lead and fall in love with my co-star,” she declared. “Hopefully in time for the next John Green adaptation.” She has not been to acting school.
Flame King, daughter of Tewl and Livy.
DSLady writes The Gordon Legacy, and rumour has it Balboa just moved in with the family. I’m pretty psyched about that.
Name theme: This one was easy — State Alchemist titles from FMAB. I could have picked Crimson or Iron-Blood or Fullmetal, but come on, it was always going to be Mustang. Then I realized that that would make her “Flame King,” and there was no turning back.
Ambitious, Artistic, Evil, Friendly, Neurotic. Emperor of Evil.
Flame King is the king. Despite her busy schedule of kingly duties, she graciously invited us to her Shadow Lair for tea and crumpets. “I have designs,” she said feverishly, “grand designs!” She brandished a stack of papers under our noses. They were sketches of birds with motivational quotes in cursive. No sooner had we glimpsed them than she pulled them back sharply. “Don’t breathe on them!” she gasped, and kicked us out onto the street.
Oxford Hudson, son of Tewl and Joey.
Darzio had a blog for a bit, but the link seems to be broken now. Another reader who probably doesn’t read this anymore.
Name theme: All I know about Darzio is that he lives in the UK and goes to school. Hence: schools in the UK. Laziest theme that ever was.
Clumsy, diva, easily impressed, family-oriented, supernatural sceptic. Celebrity Psychic.
Oxford is a respectable family man who goes to church every Sunday. Lately, rumours have been circulating suggesting that he practises witchcraft. Hudson is outraged. “To quote a very wise man with a beautiful moustache,” he announced, “THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS MAGIC!” The townsfolk were unconvinced, especially when sparks flew from Hudson’s fingertips as he spoke. “Witches are all warty and stuff,” he went on to say. “I am definitely not a witch.” Two days later, rumour has it he woke up from a bout of sleepwalking in a circle of stones, chanting nonsense. It was all too much for Hudson and he is now suffering what can only be described as a mental breakdown, experimenting with various metal headpieces to inhibit his supernatural abilities.
Billie Jean Langurd, daughter of Tewl and Stephanie.
Umbramuse writes The Bedlam ISBI.
Name theme: Back in the Liebster days of yore, one of umbramuse’s “five albums for the rest of your life” was Thriller. Tbh, I only picked Michael Jackson songs as a theme because Billie Jean and Dirty Diana would be a kickass pair of twins.
Animal Lover, Great Kisser, Mooch, Rebellious, Vegetarian. Gold Digger.
Billie Jean was the “it” girl in college. That’s lowercase, not capital — she doesn’t know computers. What she does know is how to get the best couch at the vegan coffeehouse on campus, how to ward off creeps at the sketchiest bars, and how to get away with not chipping in for pizza. “I’ve only got 20s, I’ll get you next time,” she demonstrates with a wink. Now graduated, Billie Jean confirms that these skills are not helping her to find employment. “I need to hook a man,” she says half-jokingly. “Getting famous was Plan A. Nine to five was Plan B. Now I’m thinking I’ll marry rich — I’ve had loads of affairs with older guys.” Concerned, we interviewed some of the wealthier men in town. “Billie Jean is not my lover,” they all insisted. “I don’t know where you’re getting these ideas from.”
Well, that took a little longer than expected. Thanks for reading, and thanks to my wonderful to cast! I had fun with you guys, especially trying to distinguish between Salome, Samali, Sammy, Sam, and Tam.
I also had a surprising amount of fun with the 16 Bastards, and I kind of want to do more with them. If anyone wants to download theirs or anything, let me know! I kept them mostly CC-free in case there was any interest in that.
Back to regular programming next time!
Posted on July 13, 2015, in Uncategorized and tagged 16 bastards, birthday, birthday bash, langurd birthday bash, milestone, no boundaries, overkill, simselves, tewl, the pickup line. Bookmark the permalink. 31 Comments.