4.18 To Infinity and Beyond

This is it! THE LAST MELON— er, chapter of the generation. In 73 short screenshots, we will finally be moving on. As if the universe couldn’t stand for that to happen, I slammed my left hand in a car door yesterday. Soooo we’re gonna find out how funny I can be while typing one-handed.

Spoiler alert: Not very.

We’ll begin with Motherless Mandrake a.k.a. Mediocre Mandrake a.k.a. Lettuce Loins Langurd. Despite all the unfortunate titles, he has a new flirt.

Mandrake: What am I wearing right now? Well, it’s hard to explain.

The lucky guy is Rickey Lynne-Hudson, born of simself incest. He was dating my own simself’s son for a while, but little Andrew got his ass dumped. That’s my boy!

What’s new in Gumby’s love life? Trick question, he doesn’t have one. Pokey is the only girl for him, and at this point they’re pretty much bonded for life.

Gumby: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Pokey: I think I am…

Pokey: Catching raindrops?

Gumby: What else?

I worry about the composition of any “raindrops” Gumby catches from where he’s standing.

Among the most coveted family heirlooms one can receive as a Langurd is Katana’s “forever sneaking” curse. Gumby’s got it in full force — he was briefly grounded after the non-party, but the crawl of the velociraptor inchworm has held on well into his YA days.

Gumby: I just stole this umbrella. From a homeless person.

I don’t care if you pulled it out of a dumpster, you still got ripped off.

Lira’s second bot is coming along nicely. Hey, who’s that man on the corkboard?

Lira: That’s my master, Shirley Pimpleton.

Uh, what?

Lira: Yes, he’s the toymaker who created me.

Well, there’s a story I’m sure we’d all like to hear.

I love how the most graphically detailed thing in a 30GB life simulator is the water my family’s horse drinks.

Pokey: What are you trying to say, huh?

Maybe I don’t have enough appreciation for pets in this game. I mean, they’re helping keep stinky old Boa happy.

Boa: I liiiiiike cats.

No siree, he doesn’t look awkward at all.

Congrats, Gumbykins! Finally living up to your Evil trait!

Gumby: I just can’t deal with these expectations!

And there it goes again.

It’s a rough world out there. Manny’s miming business is so slow, he’s been forced to beg on the streets.

Manny: I’m not begging, I’m busking!

If that’s what you want to think.

Dog: Wish I had some tomatoes to throw. Or some thumbs to throw them with.

The guy practically lives at Performance Park these days, and if I don’t keep an eye on him, the miming stops and the guitar comes out. Someone’s gonna regret gifting him that thing.

I got him back on track though, and had him audition for a gig in his real “field.”

Mandrake: THE SKY IS FALLING!

Proprietor: Son, I don’t know what that was, but you got the stage Wednesday night.

Apparently that was enough work for one day. Oh well, at least he has one fan!

Nadia: Hey, Manny! Great playing as always!

Mandrake: I’m sorry… Who are you?

This is Nadia Cho-Poirot. She only watches him play EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I guess you could say he has two fans — he also befriended Rickey while playing guitar.

For the record, I tried to fix his face, but it caused my game to crash. Get’cha later, bro.

Rickey: It’s fine, I don’t mind having four lips.

I figured as much.

Somebody else isn’t so perceptive though.

Nadia: Aww, you guys are such good friends!

Tell that to the “mandrake seeds” Manny just gave him as a gift. *snicker* I’m awful, I know.

Rickey: Does this Nadia girl have a crush on you?

Mandrake: Who?

Nadia: Gee, I sure am lonely eating this picnic ALL ALONE.

Mandrake: Seriously, who?

Psychically bonded or no, Gumby and Pokey do have their lovers’ spats.

Gumby: But Pokey, I want to go to the jungle!

Pokey: Too bad, bitch. I want my hoofs cleaned and a pina colada.

A round of applause for Werewolf Lira, who constructed an entire simbot while in canine form. What was dog-heckler just saying about thumbs?

Lira: I dub thee… Polly Pocket!

Polly: Oh my, what a beautiful home you have!

Polly: NOT. I’m outta here, mofos. *kick*

????????????????????????????

I swear, if this shit keeps happening…

Gumby: Not so fast, fugitive! You’re coming with me.

Polly: Make me.

Gumby: MasterController, I choose you!

Polly: Well shit.

As punishment for her escape attempt, Polly Pocket is now on house arrest. Forever. She came with the Neat trait (also Brave, Photographer’s Eye, Hydrophobic, and Frugal) which makes her our new maid. Forever.

Polly: You can’t be new forever.

That’s right. Have fun RUSTING in all that soapy water.

Gumby and Pokey have been training hard for their first jumping competition. Will their work pay off?

Jeez. Stop being so successful, you dorks.

But it’s okay — Skydancer is always here to make everyone else look bad.

Skydancer: I learned allllll my toddler skills. I’ll take one “Genius” please.

Boa: Lira, did I ever tell you your daughter is the greatest?

Polly: Fuck this house I don’t wanna be here omg

Well yep, she got Genius. On the other hand…

Lira: You remind me of someone.

Skydancer: You think?

Lira: Oh yes, you’re a dead ringer for my old friend Carlos.

…she may be smarter than Mama Bear, but they still have the same face.

Back at performance park, Manny and Rickey went on an official date and Nadia was still third-wheeling it hard.

Nadia: Omg, I’m playing Manny’s guitar! We are just that close hehehe.

Rickey: You let her play your guitar?

Mandrake: What guitar? I don’t have a guitar, I am a mime!

Rickey: You fucking weirdo.

What a beautiful family dinner! A fairy, an alien, a simbot and a werewolf—and their guest of honour, a rotten salad.

Buzz: What’s for dinner, gang? Feels like we should be feasting on human flesh.

Skydancer: That’s evil!

Buzz: Now Skydancer, we don’t use that word in vain around here. Apologize to your mother and brother.

There’s just no being politically correct with this bunch.

Buzz: Isn’t our little family just the cutest thing?

Lira: Haarrrrrrgh.

Buzz: This is why I love you.

Yes, Buzz is quite a fan of being a family man. Sadly, he never got to fulfill his dream of short-circuiting in the shallows while his horrified two-year-old looked on.

Honestly, Buzz. What are you thinking?

At least Skydancer knows her father. Not everyone around here can say the same.

Gumby: I’m such a tortured soul.

I imagine he probably works out to “Demons” by Imagine Dragons. You need to bump up your BPM, kid!

Gumby: Don’t tell me what to do!

Exe: Greetings. I have returned to inform you that Teqeq and I are officially back together. You won’t be hearing from us again.

Oh, thank the lord.

Exe: Exe exit!

Bravo.

Not like Lira needs a flaky cowboy alien when she’s so deeply in love with her metal spaceman.

Buzz: To infinity and beyond, baby!

Buzz: Hi, I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Buzz Lightyear of Star Command.

Polly: How can you… be with our creator like that? It’s sick!

Buzz: Well, I can explain the mechanics to you if you want.

Polly: Ugh, get the hell away from me!

Razor: Who is responsible for this tragic sham of a garden? They should be ashamed of themselves.

Buzz: On it, Mr. Langurd.

Buzz is a pretty swell guy to have around. He’s even willing to brave the sprinklers to make sure the life fruit is growing. Little does he know, he’s helping Lira create — dun dun dun… Another male simbot!

Buzz: WHAT.

Skydancer is right at home in Lev’s old room, which makes up for the fact that she’s not at home in this family. Not one bit.

Skydancer: I want to be a a chess champion!

Aim lower.

Skydancer: I want to be a doctor?

LOWER.

Atta boy, Mandrake! There are always new lows to be reached in the realms of human dignity!

Polly: M…Master Langurd, what are you doing?

Little flustered there, Polly?

Polly: Absolutely not! *gulp*

Know what’s funny? Mandrake goes by Lettuce Loins… and he’s eating a salad, which means—

Mandrake: Hey Polly, guess what? I’m eating my crotch!

Polly: *sputter* *choke* I beg your pardon!

It was a sad day for the forest folk when Lt. Surge’s time on earth came to an end.

Grim: Your time on earth has come to an end.

Lt. Surge: Oh, blessed be!

Lt. Surge: I HAVE GAINED THE POWERS OF LEVITATION AT LAST.

We’ll miss you, Surge, ya little womanizing scoundrel.

I’m starting to question the “Good” in Skydancer’s trait panel. She brought a friend home from school, then stood by and let her die.

Skydancer: She just wants to copy my homework.

Hmm, you should probably let her. I think she’s your second cousin.

Skydancer: We’re barely related.

DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN MARRY HER, OKAY?

Skydancer: Gosh, who said anything about marriage?

We don’t joke about these things after Gumby and Nina.

Wednesday night rolled around and I was all set to send Manny to his gig. But then he made a supremely dumb decision.

Manny: I swear I can bike as fast as a car!

He caught the last twenty minutes or so of his own performance. Did a few handstands, tugged an invisible rope, took a bow. Impressed absolutely no one.

Skydancer: I wish I may, I wish I might, become a tiny ball of light…

I bought Skydancer a fairy house because she might as well go on living in the piano parlour and also omg, fairy house. Unfortunately, the recolour I did makes it look like it’s covered in bloodstains. Oh well. Let the neighbours talk, I say!

Gumby can do cool things now.

Pokey: Hey now, this is all me.

Gumby: What are you talking about just look at this hand flourish

Gumby: I just love flying around the track with you!

Pokey: I’m in it for the money to be honest.

They are definitely on the same page about everything.

Four failed exercises in genetic combination, all in a row…

Bystander: The end is nigh.

This is why we never go out on the town.

On the other hand, Skydancer went to some kid’s house after school and wound up talking to this guy. Well played, kid. You may have stumbled on future boyfriend material.

Skydancer: I told you I was a genius.

There is the small issue of the black hair I JUST eradicated from her genome…

A picture for creepiness’ sake and very little else.

Polly: This place is trash. This family is trash. I hate living here.

Skydancer: Have you thought about finding yourself a man, Polly?

Polly: No, I don’t need a mandrake— OMG NO! That’s not what I said!

Skydancer: Ooh la la.

Skydancer Langurd — child prodigy, guardian angel and personal therapist.

Skydancer: Your secret’s safe with me… and the little baby deer I whisper to in my spare time.

And don’t forget Gumby Langurd — er, roaster of mushrooms.

Gumby: Heh, wonder if this’ll be any good?

Apparently we learned nothing from Malissa’s death.

Pokey: Are you stupid? You’re an athlete! What if they get you to pee in a cup?

Gumby: Relax, this is definitely an ordinary mushroom!

Pokey: I can’t believe I put up with you.

Mandrake’s second show was even more riveting than the first. The audience was confused as to whether they were witnessing an incompetent performer or the birth of modern art.

We’ll take that as a compliment.

Lira’s human again? She must have found that last pink diamond! I’m really good at documenting things.

Buzz: I have a surprise for you, sweetie. I had a shard of pink diamond encrusted into this ring as a symbol of our love. Please, you can’t refuse me this time.

Lira: How dare you take a piece out of my simbot’s future heart? We’ll talk about this later.

Buzz: I want to starve myself and die.

You wouldn’t do that when there’s cake to be had! …Or, you know, on your daughter’s birthday.

Skydancer: Nine screenshots, eh? Not much of a childhood.

Yeah, I may have been a little impatient. But I waited for the pop-up, I swear!

Little Miss Glinda the Good Witch here locked in Friendly for her fourth trait.

Skydancer: You’ve got a friend in me.

I think she might be the kind of person who only speaks in motivational proverbs.

Skydancer: Pssst, Manny! Wake up and smell the coffee!

Mandrake: It isn’t coffee I’m smelling. It’s you.

Skydancer: Better out than in, I always said!

Surprise! The process was too dull to take screenshots, but Boa has been working on this for a while.

Boa: I made friends with three cats.

Cashew: Congratulations, your prize is a unicorn.

Are we ready for this kind of responsibility again? I guess we’re about to find out.

Hell yeeaaahhh. Cashew is now called Axorn, the most metal name in all the land. My friend and I devised it accidentally when we typo’d “acorn.”

Boa: My horsey!

Actually, not yours. You were but a dirty slave.

Of course the horse is for Gumby and his horsey LTW.

Gumby: Pleased to meet you. I’m Gumby.

Axorn: MY BEARD IS WHITE.

Yeah, sorry man. Horse CAS is a tricky bitch.

Pokey: What is this shit?

Yeah, Boa, how dare you bring home a new horse? You’re gonna pay for that. XD

But don’t worry, Pokester. Nobody’s about to replace you…

…in fact, maybe love will even blossom here someday? 😀

Axorn: I DON’T GROW LOVE. I ONLY GROW DEEEAAAATH.

In the interest of keeping our noble steeds around, it was necessary to cut back on neglect risks. So I did something truly awful.

Bye-bye, Pudding!

Bye-bye, Potato!

Bye-bye, Whitney!

😥

This actually pains me way more than I can say. Dang felines got their claws around my heartstrings.

Just one more thing to accomplish before the generation is over.

Lira: Look at me, Master Shirley! I’m about to become a master toymaker just like you!

Uh, Lira? Do you feel… different… at all?

Lira: Shhhh, I’m working!

Lira: Hey, sexy.

GI Joe: What is this life?

Lira: Never mind, looks like I got THAT part right the first time.

GI Joe: ?

Buzz Lightyear, Polly Pocket, and GI Joe make up Lira’s household guard…

…and this steel-plated son of a bitch right here!

With that, I would officially like to say…

GAME OVER.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Until we ring in the new heir.

Gimme an hour or so to get the poll up!

‘Til then, Happy Simming!

-Sam

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