5.1 The Living Dead

Guess who’s back, bitches!

(Using that phrase purely for power-drama. I think very highly of you all.)

To start with, thank you for your moral support/commiseration/technical advice on that very articulate Error 12 post. I’m happy to announce that WE ARE IN THE CLEAR! And in fact, I’ve nearly finished playing Gumby’s generation, so now comes a crapload of writing. Enjoy!

 

The fate of the family is now rests on… a guy who still creeps around like a grounded teenager.

Gumby: I wouldn’t do that if I were you, Polly.

Polly: Don’t tell me what to do! Go to your room!

Gumby: Okay.

Gumby: But for the record, I told you so.

Polly Pocket: Fuckin’ smartass, I meant to do this!

Turns out simbots get high from being electrocuted. So she did it a few more times.

Sadly, it looks as if our resident hybrid hasn’t inherited any “special features.” From my experience with the other three, SimBots don’t make puddles when they wet themselves. Their hygiene bar is also stationary (how would they shower?) so in fact, you don’t really have to send them to the bathroom at all.

Skydancer: Pity I’m not a SimBot then.

Skydancer: Never mind, SimBots are disgusting.

YOU CAN’T DENY YOUR HERITAGE, SKYWALKERDANCER

Generation Five is all about embracing the weird. I’m still getting used to this creepy animation, but the fact that Gumby doesn’t have to sleep is a big bonus. I can’t be expected to look after his motives once he has tons and tons of children oops, spoiler.

However, there is a line to be drawn between “weird” and “what the fuck are you even doing.”

Case in point — this Shravan Corey guy ringing the doorbell at 2am.

Shravan: I have very urgent business with the family!

The only person in a position to answer was Polly, and Polly don’t give a shit.

We get enough trouble already from our usual roster of unwanted visitors.

Gumby: What seems to be the problem?

Buzz: I just want to write in peace!

Tewl: Juss havin’ a catch-up wif ma good friend Tuesday.

Tuesday: Yeah right, you wad of man trash.

GI Joe: You’re the problem, Gumby. You’re the problem.

A while back, I started this tradition of planting trees for every heir. Now I can’t remember why, but tradition is tradition, and you should never question the ways of your ancestors because progress is a myth invented by the bourgeoisie.

Recap: Tewl’s is the Creepy Tree on the far left. Katana got a Buckthorn, and Razor got a Chinese Maple. Just now, I added a Bougainvillea for Lira (the description says something about appearances being deceiving) and a Palm Bismark for Boa because duh, look at the shape of those leaves.

Gumby will have to wait until he’s made a name for himself. He’s been a little slower to do so than those before him.

Speaking of our retiring heirs, let’s see what they’re up to. Lira has not ceased to be brilliantly terrifying.

Buzz: Honey, do you really have to watch the ponies while you sleep?

Lira: My blink function is deteriorating. It’s no big deal.

Balboa has nothing more to accomplish and doesn’t even get to star properly in pictures these days.

Mandrake: Hey Rickey, wanna hang out? I found a cool leaf… Okay, some other time then.

Gumby’s spouse hunt begins! Breaking news: the age-old gym rule does not apply in Midnight Hollow.

Gumby: Ohhhh ladies… Gosh darn it!

So I sent him creeping over to the most populous lot in town… which happened to be the school.

There, we stumbled upon Kathrine Cho-Poirot, who has cool colouring and decent features. MasterController tells me she’s also three days from her YA birthday, and I’m not opposed to waiting.

Kathrine: I’m not opposed to calling the police.

Okay okay, we’re going now.

The other pickings were slim anyway.

Story Progression doesn’t seem to be doing its job; I had to drag my camera through every single street in search of a young adult female. The first hit was Ericka Pham-Limb. I like her face.

Ericka: I just had a baby.

Um, congratulations?

Gumby: Oooh, me likey!

On the way to flirt with Ericka, Gumby drove past another candidate.

Daphne: Legacy Boy couldn’t handle this if he tried.

Gumby and Ericka heartfarted, but then I got iffy about the mostly-black hair… and her newborn baby lying metres away on the grass.

So we fell back to Daphne Burk-Finley, swallowing vomit and reassuring ourselves that “extreme” features could add a fun twist to the family genetics.

Gumby: Okay, I guess you’ll have to do.

Daphne: I have a boyfriend!

Dammit.

Here’s Strike-Out #4, whose name I don’t even remember. Maybe Madison? I think I liked her eye shape, but she was up there age-wise and they didn’t exactly hit it off.

Gumby: You ring my bell if you know what I mean.

Madison: I really don’t.

Gumby: But I’m just a teenage dirtbag, baby!

Okay, Wheatus, let’s get your ass to the matchmaker.

Gumby: She doesn’t know what she’ missing!

This was the ultimate last resort, but it didn’t even get us results—or, I guess, it got us too many. For some reason, the game just rounded up all the single, female, face-one floaters in town and presented us with an organized list. I WANT MY MONEY BACK.

Seeing as a move is probably on the horizon, I decided to check in on Lira’s toy store. Obviously, we can’t take it with us. Even more obviously, it has failed massively and is still far from paying off the initial investment. Hey, at least it has a cashier today.

Customer: Say, these whales are kind of adorable!

Lira: Delicious raw coffee beans all for me!

Lira: Can I hah-help you find anything, kind ma-ha-dam?

Customer: Yeah, go find a breath mint.

Salesmanship needs a bit of work.

So does our merchandising, seeing as the shelves appear to be restocking at random from Lira’s inventory?

As a matter of fact, most of Lira’s life’s work has amounted to nothing.

Polly Pocket: What did you do today?

GI Joe: Cleaned the counter. Made some beds. You?

Polly Pocket: Same.

GI Joe: What are you doing tomorrow?

Polly Pocket: Killing myself. You?

GI Joe: Same.

 

Boa, meanwhile, is taking a shot at late-life dating, and I mean really late. Annie Lau-Wheeler, who asked him out shortly after Malissa died, decided to take another kick at the can. Boa is more likely to kick the bucket.

Boa: Just a heads up, I’m 90, so I could literally drop dead here and now.

Annie: I see.

Then they did this autonomous “Farewell Hug” that confused and terrified me. It probably has some real computational logic, but I took it as “we both have a foot in the grave so let’s be rational and not set ourselves up for heartbreak.”

I’m not a romantic, guys, I swear.

 

Annie: I’ll miss you, Boa. I’m sorry we never took the chance when we were younger.

Boa: Me too.

…Anyone for some bad puns and fart noises?

I’m a little short on those right now, but I do have another lead in the spouse hunt! This here be Rosalyn Carter-Skaggs—

Rosalyn: Let me save you the trouble. I’m taken.

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, is there no living being in all of Midnight Hollow who doesn’t—

Well, there’s a thought.

For any MH newbies like me (shut up, it’s not like I’ve been playing it for a year or anything) this is the Salas family, a clan of playable ghosts. As soon as my camera landed on them, my brain came alive with a thousand ridiculous ideas and I had to go and do some research. Pictured here are Tatiana, the matriarch; Jamison, her unborn baby from the beginning of the game; her unimportant granddaughter who has some Doe blood in her; and Big Daddy Jay.

SimsWiki says Tats & Jay started out with a child and a toddler, both girls. Now I ain’t no math expert, but our odds seem pretty good.

Gumby: Hey girl, you’re dead! High five!

Tatiana: Yeah, what the hell. I’ll drink to that.

Er, not the hook-up I had in mind.

Gumby: But ghosts don’t age!

But she’s a grandmother!

Tatiana: You’re ageist!

You’re MARRIED!

Gumby: So you wouldn’t happen to have any, like, hot daughters or anything, would you?

Smoooooooth.

Tatiana: Well, why didn’t you ask earlier?

What?

Tatiana: I’ll hook you right up with my Frieda, she’ll adore you! Hot little piece of alien ass.

This was way too easy.

Gumby: You’re the best, Mrs. Salas! I’m going to call her right now!

Tatiana: You kids have fun, ya hear?

Poor lady doesn’t realize she’s just sold her daughter into slavery and squalor.

The night of Gumby’s big break, Mandrake had another gig at Performance Park. He went around excitedly telling people about it, but even the park proprietor wasn’t planning to show.

Also foreshadowing COUGH HACK COUGH

Mandrake: I’m so cold and alone.

Woman: This is great acting! It’s almost like he doesn’t know he’s on stage!

Yeah, almost.

Mandrake: I know! I’ll use this to warm me up.

Mandrake: That’s how cavemen invented fire! Neat, eh?

Then he spammed dirty jokes for the rest of the show because idgaf.

 

Look who’s changed their tune! Seriously, there has been way too much success already this generation. I don’t like it.

Thanks, Lira! I knew I could count on you for some good old-fashioned aimless standing!

Dax: Morgana sucks! Did you hear what Axorn just said about you, Morgana? Straight from the horse’s mouth!

Morgana: You’re two hundred years old. How are you still this immature?

Balboa: Stay away from my unicorn, cretins.

Uh yeah, not your unicorn.

Most of the ancestors should probably keep a safe distance. Razor may be distinguished enough for the likes of Axorn, but he and his wife don’t have the best track record.

Razor: Say, you remind me of someone I used to know.

Axorn: RARITY WAS A BEAUTIFUL SOUL AND YOU WRONGED HER. A UNICORN NEVER FORGETS.

It’s taken me a while to warm up to this generation, but I guess I’m pretty fond of them in their diversity. Just look at these two goofs being all friends and stuff.

Mandrake: Lol, I put the jam on the wrong side of the bread again.

Gumby: Lol, think I could eat this cereal with a fork?

We don’t have much time for childish games. Dead ladies to woo and all that.

Gumby: So what did your mom tell you about me? …Yeah, I’m pretty cool. I’m sneaking into my mom’s dressing room right now. Hello?

Boa: Look, son, I know I’ve had some trouble coming to terms with your lifestyle. But there’s something I should have done a long time ago.

Mandrake: Aw man, I’m getting toadified again, aren’t I?

Boa: I just want to tell you…

Boa: …that I have a lot of pride in you.

Mandrake: I don’t get it.

Boa: Really? I’m not doing that all over again…

Boa: Let’s just say that I accept you for who you are.

Mandrake: That’s nice. Er… who am I?

Boa: Good lord, boy.

With that strand of plot all tied up, Boa was free to get back to his life’s passion… in more ways than one.

Boa: Malissa? Is that you?

Nice try, that’s a pretty convincing death face (I can practically see the sparkles) but no. We’ll try again later.

(Hey, sue me. I want matching ghosts.)

Gumby may be a bigshot unicorn rider now, but he’s doing everything he can to assure his trusty mare that he’s still a small-time clayboy.

Gumby: Don’t worry, Pokey, I’ll still make time for you.

Pokey: The question is if I’ll make time for you. Don’t count on it.

There’s nothing quite like the bond between horse and rider. ❤

It’s prom night for Skydancer! She happened to bring this guy home from school—Miguel something—so I thought we’d make a quick move and score her a date. Fun fact: Sky is popular at school but academically lacking because she’s been befriending people to find a wife for Gumby. Family matters, man.

My my, you two certainly move fast.

Miguel: This is disgusting.

Skydancer: Really? ‘Cause most guys would—

Miguel: Your dad’s kinda watching us through the window.

Don’t mind him, he’s pretty absorbed in his latest novel, To Infinity and Not Much Farther.

Skydancer: It’s your lucky day, Miguel! How would you like to go to prom with the most popular girl in school?

Miguel: Well actually, I’m going with my girlfriend—

Skydancer: Hey, Miguel has four nipples. Pass it on!

Miguel: Seriously? Aren’t you supposed to be a good fairy?

Skydancer: I’m a defender of principles, Miguel. My right to wear a man to prom is one of them.

Have no fear, we’ll just call up the next guy in her panel!

Grady Carter-Skaggs: Oh d-d-d-dear dear dear. Are you Skydancer’s father?

Mandrake: Dude, are your eyebrows pink?

Grady: I’m real nervous, sir. She’s real popular.

Mandrake: Here, let me hold your hand.

Grady: Now I’ve just got the creeps, sir.

Skydancer: It’s your lucky night, Grady! After tonight, you’ll be the hottest guy in school. All the girls will want you.

Grady: But… don’t you want me?

Skydancer: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Grady.

Well, time ran out and the limo came. Not sure what happened to Grady, but Sky at least didn’t have to show up alone.

Side note: Miguel is a really creepy-looking mofo.

Skydancer: It’s alright, I don’t need either of those scrawny punks. Y’all are going down, ladies.

Alright, Sky, there’s no need for theatrics.

Slipped in the puddle of tears, presumably.

Meanwhile, Gumby was on his first date with Frieda.

Frieda: My mom was right, you are a hot piece of alien ass!

Frieda: Are you talking about paradise and pointing to my crotch?

Gumby: Maybe…?

Frieda: That’s just shameful. Go take a time-out.

Gumby: *banging head against wall*

Frieda: Right, now that that’s taken care of. I’m Frieda and I like you.

Gumby: So how’d you bite it?

*headdesk*

At what point do the Langurds become so damaged that they can no longer reproduce?

What are you two smiling about? You’ve done the most damage so far, dammit!

I let Lira roll on autonomy for a bit, and she ended up on a date with this young hunk.

Lira: Actually, he’s my age. I want to know his secret.

Hunk: Black don’t crack, baby.

And yellow don’t… mellow? It does catch on fire though.

Boa: This is a terrible captioning job.

Shut up and go put yourself out. We can’t have you wandering around as a fire ghost for all eternity.

So Gumby and Frieda’s date wasn’t such a bust after all. He actually convinced her to come check out the Langurd abode.

Frieda: This place looks bad for my health.

Gumby: But you’re dead!

Know who’s not dead? Freaking Balboa. The guy must have eaten over 150 jellybeans in his life (30 or so within the past day) and they have yet to get the best of him. He’s a real success story for drug addicts, and not for the recovery part.

Boa: Maybe I should just burn to death.

Paparazzi: Don’t say that! I think you’re great!

Are you kidding? Is that all it takes to win a man’s heart these days?

So Frieda, what are your first impressions of the Enchanted Dollh—

Frieda: Holy shit, this guy is loaded! Splendid, splendid…

Soooo turns out she’s evil too. I also peaked in CAS, and her LTW is Golddigger… This could get interesting.

Gumby: So can we, like, hold hands or something?

Frieda: Oh, honey. You should let me take the lead.

(A guy really tried that line on me once. No joke.)

Frieda: But I guess holding hands is… kind of nice.

Gumby: Really?

Frieda: I can smell the delicious residue of hundred dollar bills.

Frieda: Hey wait, your hands just smell like garbage. What’s going on here?

Gumby: Well actually, we’re going through a financial rough patch.

Frieda: I want to watch a rich man die.

Gumby: I just want to watch the world burn and freeze alternately, so…

Gumby: I think we’ll get along just fine.

Frieda: Indeed, indeed.

And that was when Gumby’s perfect girl turned invisible.

Gumby: Hey, where’d my date go?

And that’s when the whole world says: What date? As if YOU had a date! Pfffft!

Gumby: Here, take these flowers.

*flump*

Gumby: What do you think of my house? … Great, I knew you’d love it!

Okay Gumby, I’m not sure even I believe you anymore. I mean, first your girl was a ghost, and now she’s totally invisible. You’re losing credibility here.

Although these floating thought bubbles are rather suspicious.

While the floor was having a tea party, my game crashed.

Upon reloading, I reset Frieda to try and make her visible. I had to track down her home lot to see if it had worked or not, and, well, it turns out she has a boyfriend and a kid.

But we are going to pretend they don’t exist because we’re moving soon and seriously, NRaaS, I appreciate your hard work but leave me a few single sims next time, will you please??

Anyway, with Gumby’s date cut cruelly short, he had to sit by while his mother and stepfather stole all the romance.

Gumby: My parents are so cool!

Lira & Buzz: SHAKAAAAA BRAAAAAAAA

Yes, they’re a couple of hip young things.

If a screenshot could sum up Lira’s life, I think this one would just about do it.

Lira: My dear metal children, I am so proud… of myself for building you!

Then Polly Pocket heartfarted Buzz Lightyear, and that didn’t sit too well with their Generous Creator.

And a generous creator she was — she let Polly keep her life on the condition that she never set foot in the dollhouse again. GI Joe accompanied her out of the goodness of his pink-diamond heart.

(Okay, so I got bored of having robot slaves who were filling up house space without earning any legacy points. But I’d rather make Lira look like the insensitive one.)

Boa: C’mon, unlucky trait. I could really use your help right about now.

Boa: Really, sprinkler? You’ll water the dead plants but you won’t water a man on fire??

It would be really nice if those things worked as showers in an emergency. Just saying.

Boa: When life gives you lemons…

Boa: …pee your pants.

Boa: I just want to see my wife again.

Poor guy is so unlucky he can’t even die when he’s trying to. Should I have stopped trying to kill him at this point? Yeah, probably. He could maybe have found something useful to do with his final days, but I didn’t want to start anything we couldn’t finish. Anyway, he’s done so much already. He got us a unicorn for crying out loud.

Without Boa, these cool as fuck screenshots would not be possible.

Gumby: Hey I’m part of it too!

Not really, no.

Yeeaaaaahhh.

Gumby: Hey, Frieda. Oh, not much, just riding my unicorn. So how about another date?

I sent him to the beach down the road because my game is laggy and threatens to crash when I double-click-zoom across town. Frieda took her sweet time, so Gumby got his tan on. I’m a little worried what that might look like on green skin.

Mandrake just happened to be there too, for his date with Rickey Lynne-Hudson. He chose to stare pensively across the misty inlet while he waited.

I got all excited when I saw ghosts appear, only to realize that neither of them was Frieda. Get this, her mother and her younger brother showed up to the date venue before she did.

Tatiana: Shhh, don’t mind us, it’ll be like we’re not even here!

Gumby: You brought your family? Gross.

Frieda: You think my family is gross?

Gumby: Actually, yeah. I think you should leave them and come live with my family instead.

Frieda: Okay, but only because you’re rich.

Frieda: And your uncle is hot.

Tatiana: That’s my girl!

Mandrake: Okay, I’m ready for my date now!

Dammit, Rickey. You are so not worth Mandrake’s time.

Not five minutes later, Mandrake got an opportunity to “go on tour” as an acrobat. Naturally, I was all “hell yeah, get out there and show the world you don’t need no man!” so I said yes. But I actually knew very little about the SimPort function until now. Learning about it has made me like Showtime way less. Still, I sent him to somebodysangel for kicks (mainly because I know Sam plays fairly often :D) and he went off and did his thing. And that, I think, is when all the weird shit started happening.

It was the beginning of the end. (Sim death, wtf?)

When I scrolled back home (lag, stutter, groan) Lira was telling a ghost story in her bedroom to an enraptured Buzz.

       

Sounds like the origin story of Gumby’s ghost girlfriend. Eerie much?

Buzz Lightyear: Baby, you may be old and grey, but you’re as sexy as the day we met.

Lira: You think I’m old?

Buzz: That is not what you were supposed to take from that!

Lira: That’s it. I must find a way to preserve my porcelain forever before it cracks and disintegrates!

Oh yeah, so Frieda is a part of the household now. Now that we have her in our clutches, I can tell you that she’s Easily Impressed, Excitable, Unlucky and Unflirty on top of Evil. Not the greatest collection of traits, but you know I didn’t choose her for her charming personality.

Gumby: You look like you lift weights. Do you lift weights?

Frieda: I’m incorporeal, you idiot.

First time she interacted with Gumby after moving in, she immediately rolled this. They aren’t marked as compatible with each other. What the hell, Frieda? I thought you wanted a dead rich guy, not a stars-aligned romance novel.

Frieda: Die, Gumby, die!

Gumby: Haha, you’re so funny!

Frieda: No seriously, I want you to die.

Gumby: Well, I’m still a young adult. But if you can wait a while, I’ll probably die of old age before you do.

Frieda: I can live with that!

And that seals the deal.

Frieda: Here, I got you a tiny space rock!

Gumby: Cool, where’d you get it?

Frieda: Your family inventory. It could be poisonous… let’s find out!

Gumby: Here, I got you some flowers.

Frieda: Oh, how beautiful! Where did you get these?

Gumby: My unicorn sprouted them with his feet.

I sense a one-sided love.

But it’s a pretty dang perfect one.

Frieda: You’re so strong!

Gumby: Nah, you don’t weigh a thing!

And the alien fell in love with the dead girl…

Gumby: Whoa, what just happened??

Frieda: Your love made me real, Gumby!

Gumby: Really?!

Frieda: Lol no it’s a mod.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Big creds to echoweaver, without whom I wouldn’t have given the Salas family a second glance — I’ve always wanted to play a ghost sim, but I hate not being able to see faces. Reading The Samples alerted me to Debug Enabler and its lovely “Deghostify” option. 🙂

I would have posted this sooner except that I adopted this little ball of trouble and he’s been keeping me way too busy…

 

But now that Generation Five is rolling, the next chapters should be faster.

Happy Simming!

-Sam