5.2 Trouble in Paradise

Another chapter so soon?! (You ask in distress.) I’m sorry. I should probably leave a courtesy buffer or something but sometimes the words just keep flowing, y’know?

Last time, Gumby fell in love with Frieda Salas, an evil ghost who wants to kill him and steal his money. Lira had tea with her SimBots and lamented the curse of aging. Mandrake broke my game, and Boa tried in vain to die by jelly bean. I know now that that can’t happen, but for the sake of continuity and my pride I’m going to pretend I am none the wiser.

(Pretend not to be wise? How ever shall I do that?)

Gumby’s second date with Frieda was a raging and unreasonable success. I know the shot I gave you last chapter was a little stingy, so here’s a better look at her face.

Frieda: So hypothetically, what colour would you want your ghost to be?

Gumby: I don’t know. Why?

Frieda: Oh, no reason.

For anyone wondering, this is her real, EA-given colouring. All of the Midnight Hollow ghosts seem to look like this underneath, i.e. so white they must have been genetically engineered by Hitler himself.

Frieda: These flowers were also engineered by Hitler.

Gumby: Wow! They look just like the ones I gave you last chapter!

Frieda: Yeah how about that.

Gumby: I’m gonna post this on Facebook!

Frieda: Yeah, just a heads up, I don’t show up in pictures.

Frieda: Actually, if you could refrain from posting about our relationship online, that would be great. In fact, just don’t tell any of your friends about us.

Gumby: But Frieda, I love you!

Frieda: You idiot, there are people watching!

Skydancer: Oh my god Gumby, stop forcing yourself on that girl! You’re being so creepy!

Frieda: So now that we’re alone, should we make this official?

Gumby: Really?

Gumby: ‘Cause if we’re gonna go that far, I was thinking we should get married!

Frieda: Jeez Gumby, stop joking around! Hahahahahaha!

Frieda: *grits teeth* Not in front of the camera.

And that was when the game decided that Gumby having a girlfriend was just too unrealistic…

…so unrealistic that it corrupted the save and essentially broke the legacy.

Fact: This happened on Spooky Day, right before a visit from the Repoman was supposed to occur. You thought “Spooky Day” meant Hallowe’en? I have now realized that it is definitely Friday the 13th.

But have no fear! I was able to restore a recent backup and—before anything else could go wrong—whisk the family out of Midnight Hollow, all the way to…

…Isla Paradiso! ALL HAIL THE SUN GODS!

The bad news is they’re a little out of place. When the fuck did Axorn turn green?

Hey kids, it may have been okay in Creepytown, but I don’t think your weird interspecies closeness is gonna fly here.

Pokey: You’re such a pain in the ass.

In other bad news, I lost a whack of CC somewhere in the midst of deleting cache files. Can you guess the two things wrong with this picture? Hint: the bad camera angle isn’t one of them.

I did, of course, venture bravely into the unstable save to rescue some blood relatives. Recognize these fools? I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t; Story Progression sort of ate them. They’ve been floating around in some weird limbo — homeless, childless, and stuck in a professional rut. I think they even stopped aging. The only way I could track them down was by searching with MasterController. I guess that explains why LeffJeff have no kids, and why Florin and Drachma are still single.

Drachma: Yeah, that’s why Florin is single.

I also packed up a handful of cousins who go back to Gen. 3 — the Langurd-Lins (Tomahawk’s descendants) and the Langurd-Crosbys (Lance’s).

I also had to do the traditional “look at the mess we’re leaving behind” picture, although the point is moot this time since we took the mess with us.

I couldn’t bring myself to part with the dollhouse yet. It’s functional and pretty and it took me a bloody year to build.

That said, it needed some minor renovations to fit in with the new generation’s aesthetic. (Somewhere, a handyman is cursing me for calling a complete exterior paint job a “minor renovation.”)

FUCK, I MISSED A SPOT ON THE SIDE. D:

With Boa hopefully on the verge of death, I made plans to bulldoze the forest hut and move Manny into the main house.

I added some illogical windows to the attic bedroom, stole the furniture and patterns from Boa’s living room, and made Mandrake a woodsy loft.

The twins’ old room will be Skydancer’s, as if you couldn’t tell from the excess of leafy things and fairy lanterns.

I’m kind of obsessed with using ivy for indoor decor now. Don’t tell my landlord I said that.

Gumby and Frieda got Katana and Weston’s old room. Gumby likes violet and Frieda likes seafoam, and they both have black souls. Toss in some “Victorian Ghost” and some “Alien Chic,” and this is what you get.

Where once we kept Katana’s hard-earned treasures, now we have Gumby’s marks of third-place shame. Just kidding — one of them is actually Rotter’s.

I was going for a “Queen of the Underworld” vibe over in this corner.

The solid gold bathroom didn’t need much adapting for an evil gold digger.

Oh yeah, the other catch about the move? Gumby and Frieda are back to “Good Friend” status.

Frieda: You’re such a good friend.

Llama: Back on the market, eh?

Don’t even think about it, Underbite.

It might help if Gumby had more support from his family.

Skydancer: Ew, a ghost.

Buzz: Skydancer! Haven’t I taught you to be more tolerant of diversity?

Frieda: Yeah, I mean doesn’t your brother do it with horses?

Gumby: Hell yeah I do! Wait, what do I do with horses?

Axorn: Sigh…

On that note, a little equine bonding time for the new power couple. Frieda and Axorn are getting along just fine, but—

Pokey: A new horse and now a new woman?? This is the last straw, pal!

Gumby: *sob* I’m sorry!

Gumby: You’ll always be my special lady.

Pokey: Maybe don’t go around advertising that.

Jealousy aside, Pokey’s gotta like having a magical companion around.

Pokey: Boy, I feel like sunshine and rainbows!

Axorn: YOU’RE WELCOME BRO.

So one fine day, I had Skydancer click on herself and saw an option to “burn something nearby.”

I checked her hidden traits and what do you know, our clean-cut little cookie is a PYROMANIAC AND A BURGLAR. I knew she was too good to be true!

I wanted to blame it on Buzz, since he’s the only difference between Sky and Gumby. However, he is neither of those things. Lira is a burglar, as is Mandrake, but Gumby is not. For that part at least, I’m temporarily tracing it back to Dax.

Okay, now that we’ve spend the first third of the chapter dilly-dallying, let’s get down to business.

Boa: Don’t worry, Malissa! I’ll try really hard to die today!

Mandrake: Wait, what?

Er, yeah, it’s probably best if you don’t witness that, so let’s get you far away.

Mandrake: I’ll keep working on my life’s ambition, guitar!

You want to be an acrobat.

Mandrake: Oh, right.

That’s more like it. But not really, because you look like a mutated zucchini.

Balboa’s luck with the beans was about as bad as it could be without being, you know, THAT kind of bad.

Boa: PUT IT OUT PUT IT OUT! I DON’T WANT TO DIE TODAY!!!!

Buzz: I’m so confused.

Boa: This is hopeless. I’m never going to find a bad jelly bean.

BOA YOU’RE STILL ON FIRE, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU—

Shit.

Grim: YOU! What did I tell you the last time I saw you?

Boa: Drugs are bad?

Grim: YA THINK? What kind of idiot watches his wife die from an overdose and then gets back on the bottle?

Boa: That’s a mixed metapho—

Grim: Shut the fuck up!

Buzz: *steps in ashes*

Gumby: *stares at wall*

Grim: Well I can see your family is positively heartbroken, so I’d better not take you just yet.

Boa: Dude, you’re the best!

Gumby: Aww man, I was really hoping for a cool death scene!

Grim: I’m sorry, feel free to take my job if you think you could do it better.

Gumby: Wow, really? I’d love to!

Grim: Oh, fuck, I wasn’t expecting— Okay, tell you what. You beat me in a duel and you got the gig.

Gumby: Okay!

Gumby: Take that!

Grim: This is definitely the sort of duel I had in mind.

Oh, yeah, great idea. Let’s scare the guy literally just came back from death’s doorstep.

Frieda: I know, right?

Frieda: *sound of thunder*

Boa: Welp, my heart is officially no longer beating.

Too bad you can’t die of that, eh? 😉

Frieda: So where did you leave things with the Grim Reaper?

Gumby: Uh, we traded Pokémon cards.

Frieda: ‘Cause I gotta say, if you’re Death now, that makes you a whole lot sexier.

Gumby: Well I’m probably at least a henchman at this point.

Frieda: Kiss me, you little psychopath.

Gumby: O-okay!

Dear lord, did their relationship just get actual substance? I’m not sure I can handle this.

I had no idea that “Dance” was a Fairy-listed interaction, and now I am way too happy that I named her Skydancer.

Skydancer: Burnin’ down the house!

On second thought, I probably should have called her Satan. D:

Please ignore the irony of the dead life fruits in the background. Seriously, the Langurds got a unicorn confiscated… How do you expect they are with plants?

Frieda: Please make me Queen of the Underworld?

Gumby: Only if I can be Princess!

Frieda: No, you’d be King.

Gumby: That’s cool too!

Am I trying really hard to be unconventional? Maybe. Or maybe I was just scared she’d reject him again. 😛

Boa: Where are the young’uns off to now?

None of your business, and stop it with the damned coffee! You have a BED, you know!

Er, on second thought…

Frieda: He can come and join us, I wouldn’t mind!

That’s because you have a biological attraction to hefty bank accounts and creaking joints.

Gumby: Are you picturing me as an old man?

Frieda: Maybe.

Zombie: Ah, true love under the moonlight!

This picture would be uber creepy if it weren’t for the pretty lighting. Or maybe it would be pretty if not for the creepiness? (Story of this legacy’s life, I reckon.)

Look who’s popular!

Crowd: THE LAAAAAAST HAMBURGER.

Or not.

Okay Lira, I do appreciate your aimless standing, but you’re old now and time’s a-wasting.

Lira: There, I got a fish.

Much better.

Frieda: Ew, a ghost!

Chris: Looked in a mirror lately?

Frieda: No, Bloody Mary and I aren’t on speaking terms these days.

Lira: Aww yeah, Gumby Langurd won bronze riding Gumby Langurd!

Seriously EA, how hard was it not to screw this up?

A day in the late life of Balboa Langurd:

Spontaneous combustion.

Electrocution.

Top it off with a cereal dinner in front of the ashes of your former self, and you’re golden…

…LITERALLY golden. XD

Boa: You should be ashamed of yourself.

Ironic how the most productive generation of this family has regressed into pointlessness and senility.

Lira: Now where did I put my dentures?

Their sister, on the other hand, is hitting her second wind. We have a LeffJeff baby at last!

I dunno though, Florin might have her beat.

Haha

Hahahaha

Hahahahahahaha

…I am so sorry, Susan.

But don’t worry — yours is far from the most unfortunate story in the relationship headlines.

Remember when Balboa cloned Florin? That’s Coolio… and Nina is Lance’s granddaughter… so genetically, they’re first cousins once removed. I knew this moment was coming but still, blegh.

So ghosts are pretty fun, but there’s a catch. They take FOREVER to get anywhere. Add that to Gumby’s stupid sneaking and we’ve got ourselves a slow-mo generation. I should get double points for anything these idiots manage to accomplish.

But I mean, with an LTW like Gold Digger, there’s not much for her to work toward anyway. She has a low-rung job in science that I let her keep, but other than that, she’s basically waiting around for Gumby to die. Figured she should make herself useful and test-drive “The Claaaaw,” which I bought as a kind of monument for Lira’s generation.

Frieda: Don’t disappoint me, O Glorious One!

Frieda: This machine is sentient! It knows my deepest wishes and dreams!

Her first cash bag contained $3,360. Her second contained $7,207. My eyes are dollar signs.

Gumby: Alright, buddy old pal, you ready to make ‘em look?

Axorn: LET’S FUCK SOME SHIT UP

They certainly fucked up all kinds of shit, placing 3rd in their first International Jumping Competition. Unicorns come with maxed Jumping and Racing skills, so it’s only a little impressive. They would have done better if they were better friends with each other, but that would make Pokey very sad.

Manny auditioned at Mick’s Master Karaoke, but they told him he wasn’t good enough. So he took his talents elsewhere… i.e. just outside the door.

Mandrake: If I must die, let it be by my own sword and not my enemy’s!

Mandrake: Lest I dishonour the sacred Samurai code… Goodbye, cruel world!

Mandrake: Jazz hands!

It’s a wonder they wouldn’t let him perform inside.

I guess Frieda does have a rather important task on her hands — or should I say in her womb. Generation Six is on its way!

I can’t CAS her mat wear without turning her human and risking major screw-ups, but damn, look how well she coordinated it without my help!

Frieda: I am this legacy’s saviour.

Just you wait, lady. Just you wait.

The Jelly Bean Saga continues.

Boa: Mom, get off the stairs! I need to get to the shower!

Boa: Mom seriously!

Boa: MOM SERIOUSLY!!!!

I fucking love you, Katana.

Gumby tried this cool “Mind Control” thing on his dead grandfather, but I still can’t figure out how it works. As far as I know, the victim gets all googly-eyed for a few seconds and then goes back to life as usual.

Gumby: You are getting veeeeery sleepy…

Dax: MUFASA IS THAT YOU?!

Actually, I think I solved the mystery. You can’t control a mind when your subject doesn’t have one.

I take back what I said about coordinated maternity clothes.

Frieda: What? I’m going for “just trekked five kilometres in a dust storm.”

In that case, well done.

Pokey has a little something she’s been wanting to do since 4.18. Take it away, girl.

Pokey: This is for bringing home that ruddy unicorn!

Boa: Aww man, but I was just following orders—

Pokey: I’ve been at the mercy of men just following orders.

Boa: Pokey plz

Pokey: Never again.

Poor Boa. After all he’s been through, he really should be dead. Fire. Electricity. Heart attacks. Horse’s hooves. ELECTROMAGNETIC RADIATION. Sims are resilient little buggers.

Boa: Dude, I just want my tofu dogs cooked to perfection.

Gumby: So, sis, what’s new? Any cute boys at school?

Skydancer: Oh, sweet Gumby. I’m going to teach you proper smalltalk one of these days.

As a matter of fact, there is a boy. I guess I forgot to mention the other household who tagged along from Midnight Hollow — the Winterwolf-Sung clan, consisting of my elderly simself, her aging hottie of a husband Young Jae Sung, and their son Donte. I’m sure that’s a variation/misspelling of “Dante,” but in my head I keep calling him “Don’t.”

I plucked out his mother to avoid duplicates when I dropped a younger Sim Me in town. Which reminds me, I forgot to fix their family tree, and with my luck he’ll end up dating her. But perhaps not, since he heartfarted Sky at school. Goshdarnit Don’t, stop flirting in math class.

Hey hey, I haven’t seen the Beast in a while! Not that I approve of a pregnant sim riding it, but it’s for a good cause. A couple of visits to the spa, and this baby ought to come out a genius and a supermodel.

Frieda: Of course, it’s for the baby.

Uh, is THAT for the baby? Now it’s going to come out an idiot and an alien! D:

Alien: I resent that!

Sorry. I guess our chances aren’t looking good anyway, since the father is both of those things.

Alien: Yes. And on that note, where is the son of Teqeq To’Vedachot? His father’s throne sits empty.

Oh, um… he died. (HIDE, GUMBY, HIDE!)

Alien: That is a shame. We may be forced to become a democracy.

I’m so sorry, I really am.

(GOOD HIDING!)

Autonomy is the #1 destroyer of friendships.

Mandrake: You’re dumb!

Gumby: Not that I’m not loving this, but… what?

Mandrake: You’re dumb!

Gumby: Let me get this straight. You, the Absent-Minded talking mime who wears vegetables as clothes, are calling ME dumb?

Mandrake: Yes!

Gumby: I’m afraid you’re right on the money there.

Mandrake: It’s okay, man. We’re in this together.

Frieda’s just about ready to pop, and Gumby has yet to even talk to her about the pregnancy.

Gumby: Are you feeling okay? That belt looks pretty tight.

Frieda: It’s to keep the baby from getting too big. I’d rather not push a ten-pounder out my lady parts, you know.

Gumby: I hope our baby is as smart as you!

Gumby: Here, let me give you a massage.

Frieda: That’s okay, I already got six of those.

I thought it would be fun if Skydancer had some real, live plants in her bedroom, being a fairy and all. It was pretty fun until she didn’t water them and they all nearly died. Enter Frieda, our resident “has nothing better to do.”

Sky: What are you doing?! You’re screwing up my carefully calculated watering regime!

Frieda: Really? Is that the “don’t water them” regime? ‘Cause I think I saw that on TV.

Frieda: Ooooh, what if I were to have my baby right in the middle of her garden?

Whatever floats your—

Frieda: Dammit, I was joking! I think my water just broke!

Mmm no, but sure, let’s go with that.

Dead plants, pee puddles, and electricity? That’s got to be some kind of omen…

Frieda: Hey, you do look like an Omen!

Thus, Omen Langurd was born, a Lightly-Sleeping Genius who likes green, Egyptian music, and Dim Sum.

Great job on the favourite colour, kid. Prepare to commit major fashion crimes.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

So we made it to Generation Six at last! I love how naive I was a year ago when I promised to reach this point within a few months. My word is worth very little, it seems.

More cat because I’ve been deprived of the opportunity to do this for my entire life:

Happy Simming!

-Sam