5.4 Accidentally on Purpose

I’ve been having a crisis lately about writing believable characters. I know — this is The Sims, and no one expects it to be an actual simulation of life. However, my ambitions do involve someday writing for a living, and I like to think that this is helping me toward that goal in some way. Is it really very helpful if I keep writing caricature morons with no emotional drive? Can anyone actually relate to this family?

Then, I started watching Arrested Development while editing my screenshots. (Kind of relevant if you consider it’s where Gobias Koffi and the Never Nude trait were born.) Gob was putting on a magic show to The Final Countdown and I thought never mind, this stuff actually sells. The Bluths could be the Langurds’ role models. It’s not like we’ve reached that level of weird, right?

Frieda: I will marry and outlive everyone until I inherit the entire earth! *thunderclap*

Okay, thanks for the reality check.

Multilevel lots make for some entertaining pictures, like this candid shot of Balboa exploring the mausoleum.

With everyone so easily amused around here, Omen is lucky to get a few moments’ attention.

Gumby: Um… are you sure you’ve got this? He’s crying pretty hard.

Frieda: Shhh, that seagull’s carrying a french fry.

Gumby: Let me explain. This here is a baby, B-A-B-E-Y. You feed it and change it and give it a hug sometimes.

Frieda: Haha, your hat blends in with your hair.

When the kid does get attention, it comes in waves.

Mandrake: Wave #2 reporting for duty!

Skydancer: What the fudge, Manny! I just got him to sleep!

Funny thing is none of them actually caters to his needs. They just switch him from the crib to the playmat like it’s some kind of game.

Buzz: My turn! My turn!

Balboa tried to jump back on the spellcasting bandwagon at the ripe age of 100, but he seems to be losing his touch.

Boa: That’s not right, darn it!

Donut: Well, somebody needs to learn to enunciate!

After that, his wand farted like seven times in a row. I was going to try something cool with an elixir, but I think it’s time to give up the gig.

Boa: Looks like I’m hitting the beans again.

Grim might actually blacklist this entire family.

Y’all are right about Isla Paradiso and the glitches, but I’m still in young love with it. Maybe one day I will realize that its quirks annoy me and our long-term goals don’t compute, but right now IT’S SO PRETTY. D’: Under that perfect blue sky, even the horses are warming up to each other.

Pokey: Hi, I’m Pokey, Gumby’s favourite.

Axorn: GREETINGS POKEY, GUMBY’S FAVOURITE

Pokey: You don’t have to yell.

Axorn: THIS IS MY VOICE

Even death scenes are gorgeous in this place.

Boa: I am dead! You killed me!

Guy: What? No I didn’t!

Guy: Shit, what do I do?

Time to change your name and flee to Mexico.

Guy: Adios, amigos!

Grim: This had better be important, I was in the middle of a Buzzfeed Qui— OH FUCK NO.

Gumby: Can you please take him for realsies this time?

Grim: You are going to a special corner of hell, Balboa Langurd.

Boa: So I’m dead now?

Grim: You’re dead when I say you’re dead!

Boa: But you just said it twi—

Grim: I SWEAR TO GOD

Boa:  Did ya miss me?

Gumby: Darn it…

Boa: Did somebody say “donut”?

But it’s Lira who wins the “losing it” award. Here she is getting naked in a stranger’s house.

Lira: This is my house.

It most certainly is not; I specifically remember stuffing seven-odd simselves into this tiny shack when I fixed up the neighbourhood. It looks like most of them are still living here and/or have returned out of solidarity for the pity party to which we were invited.

Sammy: Some dingweed is hogging the bathroom.

Nate, official Party Warden of Fun, informed Lira that she was misbehaving. But based on the fact that I have a picture of it, I’m gonna say that her shower escapade was the most exciting part of this shindig.

I suppose there was the part where Echo Weaver showed up and everyone stared at her. That was pretty exciting.

Livy: Aren’t you, like, dating Florin? *snigger*

Echo: As a matter of fact, we’re seeing other people.

Good news is she’s on the rocks with Florin. Bad news is she’s taken up beekeeping in an act of rebellion.

(I promise I’ll fix the simselves’ hair and clothes when this generation is done. Adult birthdays screwed them up, and Isla Paradiso is too laggy for me to bother with many fixes.)

Manny managed to enjoy himself despite all that, watching the weather channel through the gaps in everyone’s legs.

Mandrake: Cloudy with a chance of… what? We’ll never know!

In an upstairs bedroom, Nadia Langurd-Crosby was trying really hard to do math.

I should hardly need to remind you which Langurd line she’s from. That line goes on, too; Nadia’s idiot daughter Nina now has an idiot daughter Charissa, whose father is not Coolio, I repeat, NOT COOLIO. Which is a relief because I’m “not cool” with incest.

A two bedroom can only hold so many people (“You think?!!” say the people living there), so a few guests chose not to go inside at all.

Gumby: We should take this time to do something couple-y and romantic for ourselves.

Frieda: You’re right, I know just the thing!

Well, I tried. Not my fault if the fire is burnt out already.

Inside, the territorial conflict over the bathroom reached its climax.

Lira: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE?!

Sammy: This is my house!

Lira: I don’t think so, you senile old bat!

Lira: This will teach them a lesson.

What are you going to do? Blow up their eggplant?

Lira: You could say that.

No, you couldn’t. In what language is “eggplant” slang for “stove”?

Livy: I get the feeling I should move away from here.

Townie: Nah, we’re good.

And that was the end of Townie. (Spoiler: She’s in the living room.)

It was, however, the end of the simselves’ stove. In addition to rotating sleep schedules and bathroom use, they are now reduced to Quick Meals and salads.

Sammy: DAMN YOU, LANGURDS!

Party Warden of Fun is on the case.

Oh, and uh, Livy was not entirely unscathed after the incident. 

But she didn’t seem too bothered by it.

Mandrake: Hahahaha, you got kicked out of the party!

Lira: So did you, Balboa.

Frieda: You guys got kicked out?

Gumby: There was a party?

My own simself didn’t make it to the party on account of having just landed her DREAM JOB. Is this a thing in real life and can someone refer me to an opening? If I could count the number of arguments I’ve had with green squiggly lines…

By contrast, my older (deleted) simself’s family is falling apart. Her husband is dying, her son got shuffled along to a foster home, and worst of all, her cat has been taken in by a Langurd.

Balboa: Even happy beans don’t make me happy anymore.

Chris: I was a slave to your great-grandfather for half of my adult life.

Boa & Chris: Sucks to be you, man.

I’ve seen sims get in line to change a baby, but this is just something else.

Gumby: We’re playing sardines!

Wise choice of hiding place.

Here’s a riddle:

1. Everyone works really hard in this family.

2. I also work really hard on these captions, and don’t throw in screenshots just because they’re pretty.

3. Only one of these three statements is true.

Mandrake: Why are we all watching this cake?

Frieda: SOMEONE was supposed to bring the baby!

Sky: I thought Mom was getting him.

Lira: Happy Birthday, Cake!

Finally, after Frieda routefailed in the dishwasher three times and Sky had to interfere, Omen got to have his birthday.

God, I wish I’d stopped dressing him in green sooner. Maybe it’ll be overshadowed by his perfectly shaped eyebrows and DEFINITELY NOT A LANGURD nose? 😀

Omen: “Definitely not a Langurd.” I like that.

He really is a genius.

There is one downfall.

Gumby: You couldn’t have given him your hair? Your eyes? Your skin?

Frieda: No, why would I do that?

Frieda doesn’t do much in the way of giving, but she is, by pure coincidence, at Painting Level 5. This gives her no choice but to do this generation’s portraits.

Unfortunately, we lost every other generation’s portraits in the move, so these shoddy sketches will be the new ancestors! (Until I go rescue the old ones.)

Speaking of which.

Arabella: WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY PINK DIAMOND IS GONE??!

Buzz: Not to worry, Ma’am. It’s my heart now.

Katana: Going going. Now she’s gonna rip your heart out.

Lira left her boyfriend at the mercy of her grandmother and disappeared to Egypt on the trail of a half-baked plan. It was the same thing Katana had done so often in her childrearing days.

Soon, Lira found herself in a familiar place.

The Temple of Queen Hatshepsut was the birthplace of many whims and fancies that had driven her adult life.

Sadly, she was no longer in a mental state to remember these things.

Lira: I’m in my living room!

Believing she was back home in the dollhouse, Lira took a wander down some stairs.

Lira: How strange, I feel as if I’ve been here before…

Yep, Katana had some good times with that rock.

Lira: Ah, silly me! It’s because I’m standing in my kitchen!

The whole adventure felt like a trip down memory lane, if only Lira had a memory.

Lira: The box is empty.

Yeah, because you already looted it.

King Raymundo Rodiekhkare: You remind me of a beautiful lady I used to know.

Lira: You’re hot. Got any beauty tips?

Katana had, in fact, charmed the loin cloths off of multiple mummies in her prime. They were the same mummies that she fought and very rarely defeated.

Lira: Mummies aren’t dangerous!

Your mother would tell you otherwise…

 

Well, ain’t that a humdinger.

Lira may have been alone in the tomb (something I maybe should’ve reconsidered) but she wasn’t alone on the trip. Her two children came along, too. Gumby found a tomb with a gazillion rock piles, so that kept him busy when he wasn’t looking stupid with grapes.

Or roasting more questionable things on the fire.

Gumby: Hey, it’s coffee beans! It makes sense this time! *eats them whole*

Gumby: Can I have a really high-paying mission now? My family is having financial troubles.

Salah: Your family! Oh, I just love your sister, Skydancer! She has done wonders for my self-esteem!

Skydancer: You didn’t give him the good mission, did you?

Salah: Oh, no, I saved that one for you. I gave him “high risk of death” mission.

Skydancer: Cool, I owe you one!

And that’s why it sucks to have a sibling everyone loves.

Gumby: But I can’t really burn to death, right?

I don’t know, let’s find out.

Gumby: Let’s not!

I was in a bit of a panic here — due to the YOLO nature of the entire trip, none of these guys had any travel gear in their inventories. Tents, food, showers in cans, you name it. There also was not a dive well in the vicinity, and Gumby was waaaaay underground at this point. So I was like “haha oops” and the game was far too forgiving and said “be careful, if Gumby gets burned again while he’s like this, he may pass out!”

Oh god, PASS OUT?! D:

   

Nothing that terrible would EVER happen at home.

All he got was a “singed” moodlet, and five seconds later he unlocked a bathroom. Kids have it so easy these days.

Lira: They certainly do! Not like back in my day, when I… when I… don’t remember.

After his traumatic fire experience, Gumby made a beeline for the water the minute they got home.

Gumby: I am never leaving you again, oh glorious H-2-ZERO!

I’ll tell you the truth — this is what everyone risked their lives in Egypt for.

Lira: I think I’ll call you… Doomsday.

Doomsday: Doomsday! Doomsday!

Lira: That’s right, scream your name loud and proud all over the land!

That’s not the truth. The truth is, we were two pieces short of a Sarcophagus of the Kings. We used to have a reconstructed one, but I think I sold it with the last house.

Anyway, long story short, Gumby found the 4th under a pile of rocks and Lira picked up the 5th under a staircase RIGHT before the vacation ended. I honestly didn’t think it would work out so well.

Lira: This goes here, that goes there, and— yes, one final ingredient…

Lira: Candy from a baby!

Omen: You reek of lies, Grandma.

Lira: I won’t be reeking anymore, sonny boy. With just a few sodium compounds and some resin-soaked linen…

Lira: I will preserve my youthful doll face forever!

Uh, you realize you were 89 when you went in there, right?

Lira: I WAS?!

Lira: This is all your fault!

Omen: Sounds to me like you’re just bad at math.

Lira: Well, aren’t you a smarty pants. You can really put three and three together, can’t you?

Mandrake: It’s my birthday!

Skydancer: Oh my god, who cares.

Mandrake: Am I handsome?

Seeing him in this hair gave me a midlife crisis on his behalf. You’re a failure, Manny! Your career is a flop and you don’t even have a boyfriend!

Mandrake: …So that’s a no on the handsome?

I invited Tariq over in a fit of unbridled romanticism absolute panic. Then I forgot about him, so he wandered around outside for a while, perving on Gumby’s wife.

Lira: Hey, you!

Tariq: Oh no, I wasn’t—

Lira: I just removed all my organs, including my brain!

Tariq: Well that’s… fascinating.

Lira: Thought you ought to know…

Tariq: You never mentioned your creepy aunt before.

Mandrake: I love you.

Tariq: Oh, honey. I’m not gay.

Mandrake: But you just said “honey.”

Tariq: Oh, I guess I did. Maybe I ought to re-evaluate some things.

Mandrake: Re-levituate this.

Tariq: I’ll put my mouth on yours if it stops you trying to pronounce stuff.

So NRaaS had Tariq’s gender preference listed as straight… predictably, since the default in StoryProg is like 1% gay sims. (I changed that later.) I decided that if Tariq rejected Mandrake’s advances, he would stop pursuing him — let the sims control their own fate and all that. But I guess I gave myself pretty good odds considering they were already at Best Friend status. 😉

Lira: Let me hold my grandchild.

Gumby: No, you’ll scare him.

Omen: Yeah, it’s me who’s scared of her.

Skydancer: Hey, this looks like a fun place to sleep!

OMG NO. I can’t have both incarnations of Lira’s face covered in bandages. Time to put that thing in the family inventory.

Or not, apparently. It had to stay and witness the most convoluted make-out session of the legacy (and that’s saying something).

Buzz: Human, fairy, werewolf, mummy — you’ll always be beautiful to me.

Lira: Don’t pity me, I will always be beautiful to everyone! That’s why I did this, you idiot!

Lira: And now that I’m a mummy, I can do aaaaaaaall the things I could never do before!

In other words, all the things you SHOULD have done when you moved to this house, but you didn’t do because I forgot to make you do them…

All rise for your new (old) queen.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

There, look! Stuff happened in this one!

Here’s my attempted explanation of the Lira plot: I’ve really been wanting to do something with her “I’m not a human” schtick. For some reason, she just doesn’t feel like the kind of sim who should grow old and die in an ordinary way. At first, I thought I’d turn her into a SimBot so she could be essentially an “action figure” like Buzz, but Boa couldn’t get the ingredients for an elixir to turn her. So I went to Plan B: mummification. She wasn’t supposed to get cursed – she was just supposed to find the sarcophagus fragments so she could sleep in it for however many hours to become a mummy. The sarcophagus made the process faster in the end (I found out later that sleeping in one while cursed makes the conversion immediate). However, her life was legitimately in jeopardy for a while because I wasn’t sure we would even find the remaining fragments. It was a bit of a rollercoaster but TL;DR, I think it suits her.

Anyway, I wanted to end this with a note about a little side project I’ve started, but I may just make that its own post. Stay tuned, and Happy Simming!

-Sam