5.5 Bittersweet

Question: What’s the longest you guys have ever played for in one sitting? I’m too ashamed to admit mine, but let’s just say I’ve been putting in almost full days lately, and it’s taking its toll. I moved some stuff into my RL apartment today, and when my cat immediately started nosing around the new trash can, I saw “Check Out New Object” hovering in his action queue. Then I sat down with a glass of water and asked myself what life is.

Of course, it doesn’t help that when I’m not playing, I’m writing posts or editing screenshots or formatting blogs. But hey, you gotta live control fake people’s lives while you’re young!

Alternatively, you can live while you’re old like Lira. She seems to have really come into her own since she hit elderhood, and more specifically, since she embalmed herself in the pursuit of eternal youth.

Lira: Stupid bunny rabbit! I wanted an alien!

Still pining after Teqeq?

Lira: Who is Teqeq?

Gumby had all this metal in his inventory from Egypt, and I kept accidentally clicking on it and seeing “Transmute” in the menu. Any FMA fan could not pass that up.

Gumby: Look, Omen! Daddy is the Fullmetal Alchemist!

Omen: Please don’t drop that on my head.

Gumby: Don’t be silly, I w— oops.

Turns out “transmute” only means “slightly increase its value.” WHAT A SHAM.

Gumby: Please poop for Daddy?

Omen: No! You’re not the Fullmetal Alchemist, you’re a sham!

And that was when Gumby lost all of his son’s respect.

Taking a moment to acknowledge how perfect Omen’s face is. I can’t tell if he’s more Frieda or Gumby — in fact, I don’t see much of either in him. Maybe he’s adopted.

Omen: Please oh please let it be true!

Mommy is off maternity leave now, so she can get back to raking in the dough $200. Unfortunately, the science complex is a four-hour boat ride away so she ends up putting in like two hours’ work each day. Say goodbye to a promotion!

Wait, you’re wearing that to work? On second thought, just quit now.

And this is why you don’t judge a book by its cover. Now put a patent on that shit before you die of radiation poisoning.

Lira’s mummy plan may have had some holes. For instance, bandages and water…

Lira: I am impermeable!

I friggin’ hope so. If you grow mold, I’m kicking you out.

And here’s my daily dose of love for Isla Paradiso and its beautiful blurple skies. Once again photobombed by canoodling horses.

Pokey: Hmm, you don’t seem like such a threat. I guess we can be friends.

Axorn: NOT FRIENDS. BEST FRIENDS!

Pokey: Hold your horses, buster.

Oh Pokey, you so funny.

Gumby: Even the paparazzi in this town are hot!

That’s true, but dammit, don’t give more Frieda more reason to want you dead!

At this rate, Frieda will accomplish Gold Digger before Skydancer gets anywhere near Magic Makeover. Is it just me, or is Charisma an absolute bitch to max? Maybe it’s that Sky doesn’t do anything, just sits at her dumb computer basking in her past accomplishments (says the hypocrite).

Skydancer: I can’t help it if I’m a prodigy.

Nice try—those aren’t even real trophies!

One day, Pokey randomly galloped off the lot to stand in the middle of the road. For a second I thought she was staging an epic escape, but it was probably just a route fail.

Pokey: Disneyland, here I come!

Pokey: Wha— Hey, I’M WALKING HERE.

She was hit by three cars in quick succession. The first was my simself’s.

The next was Frieda’s carpool.

And the last was none other than Florin. Thanks, guys. You effectively stopped the horse’s rampage by breaking all of her legs.

It was no coincidence that all these sadists and incompetent drivers had gathered in one place. They were attending a Sadists’ and Incompetent Drivers’ Conference! Also known as the annual Langurd reunion.

Florin: Wait, there’s a party? I only came to run over the horse.

As per usual, he walked up to the door and immediately turned around to go home. But that’s okay, we still have all the important people.

Lev: I see you’ve replaced me.

What, with Skydancer? She was BORN a fairy and she’ll still never be as good as you.

Sky: HEY! …Is that Dim Sum?

No one could greet the guests because no one in this house can move faster than a turtle.

Lira: Oh my! Who is this perfect china doll? Have I also been replaced??!

Lira: Eugh, never mind, her hair is as coarse as a Cabbage Patch Kid’s.

Frieda: Do I tell her she smells of rotting flesh?

Best not..

Lira: Hi, sister!

Drachma: God, Lira, what did you do to yourself? You smell like rotting flesh.

Because Drachma will do that for us.

There was this awkward moment where it looked like Lira was heartfarting her own daughter and I was genuinely terrified.

But it was actually this invisible guest, who — by my powers of deduction — is either Jeff or Coolio. That’s Lira’s brother-in-law or her brother’s clone, so either way not a whole lot better.

Jeffoolio was a really happy invisible guest. He showed up juiced and took pictures of everyone with his levitating phone.

Poor orphan Donte also showed. He may have inherited a little too much from my simself, but he and Sky hit it off at school… and he IS the son of the world’s most beautiful premade…

However…

Donte: You’re into your mom? That’s gross!

Skydancer: No, god! That was like, ten minutes ago. Get with the program, Don’t!

…he doesn’t have the most charming of personalities. And he definitely got Young’s donkey ears. XD

Finally, almost all of the guests made it inside aaaaaand I got distracted by the sky again.

Unfortunately, Livy and Laura missed the first wave of “Invite Inside”s and it was too much of a hassle to do it again.

Laura: Well, this is awkward.

Livy: It’s okay, we’ll be alone together.

Laura: But this is more awkward.

Livy has yet to take a shower from the last party.

They didn’t miss much. Lira bopped along to some Geek Rock, unsure how to move without tearing her bandages.

Lira: Hurr hurr hurr!

The Tiddlywinks reunited for their first (and probably only) group performance, and Gumby was finally allowed to join. He’s quite the pianist these days, but if a band is only as strong as their weakest link, these guys are as strong as Buzz’s level two plunk-plunking.

Tiddlywinks: MMMBOP BA DUBA DOP BA DU BOP!

Lev: You guys knock my socks off. Like literally, where are my socks?

As per usual, Boa was in the garden, trying to die.

Boa: Tonight is the night, I can feel it!

(Still trudging along noobishly at this point, unaware that it wasn’t and would never be “the night” for him.)

It was Skydancer’s night though. Actually, I think that’s why I threw a party in the first place. By the time she got around to aging up, most everyone had gone home and she had but one (unexpectedly enthusiastic) spectator.

Drachma: I get to go home after this!

Jeffoolio: I’m here too! Let’s keep the party going!

Drachma: Aww shit.

Sky is still the angel to Lira’s devil. She rolled Natural Cook as her fifth trait. That seals it — we’re keeping her.

Then my camera panned away and suddenly, THIS.

????????????????????

Boa: Jelly beans, I have spent my life in your clutches, but I refuse to be imprisoned any longer! This ends tonight.

“=]l;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;56,mmm66” is what my cat had to say about this picture. I couldn’t put it any better.

He freaking fire-blasted the jelly bean bush that he’s been snacking from since childhood. Freaking AUTONOMOUSLY. Does that even make sense? Is this real life? Did my game gain sentience? Because I’m still confused.

What you see here is him ice-blasting the bush to put out the fire. ALSO AUTONOMOUSLY. Now, I know I have a pathetically limited knowledge of this game, but THAT’S WEIRD, RIGHT?

Livy doesn’t think so. Livy thinks it’s pretty cool.

Livy: Hey Boa! You’re so cool!

Livy: So guess what, you married into my legacy. Your wife over there is a better match for you than Malissa ever was.

Boa: Well, how about that.

Boa: To think I’ve spent all this time trying to die so I can rejoin her!

Livy: Lol yeah.

Photographer: Two burn victims discuss suicide in a drug plantation. Think how many copies of the paper we’ll sell with a headline like THAT!

Boa: Here, I have a present for you.

Livy: What the…?

Livy: Wow, you’re so cool!

Boa: 😀

So that was that for Balboa and the Beanstalk. I often look for signs from my sims, and this one seemed to be a big, fat “Hey, stop trying to kill me!” So there you go. You win, Boa. Enjoy your last few days of life.

Meanwhile, Sky wasted no time in growing up. Her first adult wish:

And it’s apparently all she can think about. Maybe there is some Tewl in her yet. –_-

Did I say all the guests went home? Sorry. My simself refused to do the decent thing and gtfo, staying just long enough to mooch some tea. True to life? Noooo…

Sam: I called you two here because we have some stuff to discuss. Businessy stuff and things.

Gumby: You didn’t call us here.

Sam: As you know, the family funds have been in decline since the end of Katana’s generation. I need you fools to get rich, and fast.

Lira: I could live with that.

Gumby: So many coupons to be clipped!

Sam: Now listen closely, there’s just one thing you have to remember…

Sam: *stares out window*

Gumby: We’re on our own, aren’t we?

Lira: You’re green.

After that, my simself went home and promptly started DATING HER SON. Really, SP? Like there aren’t 30 other women in town you could have paired him with?

Apparently incest runs this town. But maybe it’s okay since Coolio doesn’t have a face.

(It is definitely not okay.)

Buzz: Why are your bandages dripping again?

Lira: Oh, Buzz! It’s awful! This was the biggest mistake of my life!

Lira: I’m suffocating in here, it smells so bad all the time!

Buzz: Amen. There’s been a rat in my chest cavity for months.

Lira: Here, let me kill it.

Buzz: Gosh, thanks.

What does Lira do when she needs cheering up?

Well…

Lira: You won’t be making wishes anymore, children!

The sucky thing about Skydancer’s LTW is that it involves going outside and talking to people. Ugh. To the park we go!

Basically my feelings toward life.

This is Robi Sama-Livingston. (Yes, Sammy, he’s married to your simself.) He was dancing with another woman (omg scandal) so I decided to break up that little tryst before it started.

Skydancer: Hi, I’m Skydancer and I like fire. Do you like fire? Sometimes I make fire for no reason.

Her four charisma points are a lie.

The night ended with Robi dancing with another woman, again. Good deed = shot to hell, but Sky locked in another friend for Charisma skilling!

Oh yeah, apparently she also graduated.

Even our best and brightest gets a crappy superlative. Dammit, Langurds.

Also at the park: Two kitties, Drachma the Unimpressed, Lev’s daughter Deana, and Jeff the Invisible. Hate to say it, but I don’t think a pair of wings makes a very good father.

Deana: FML

Never let it be said that I don’t care about my sims. Balboa wanted to burn the jelly bean garden, so let’s burn it, I say!

Boa: Finally, I can live a normal life!

Er, for three seconds, apparently. 😦

Grim: Congratulations, you passed the test! I’ll take you to your wife now.

Boa: But I don’t want to go anymore! Carpe diem!

Grim: Haha, nice one. Get in the fucking urn.

Grim: And don’t you dare come out.

What’s that measly grey thing? We haven’t had one of those since Tewl!

Despite living for 104 days, Balboa was not quite as fulfilled as I thought he was. He died with 128,124 LTH points.That might have changed if I hadn’t spent the last few weeks of his life trying to kill him.

That said, he did some cool stuff. He was the first heir with hair that wasn’t black. He got a degree in Science and Medicine and became an Alchemy Artisan by drinking a lot of narcotics, which, realistically, his med degree should have warned him against. He also raised a son singlehandedly, captured the family’s second unicorn, and built skills in nine different disciplines. After beating a lifelong addiction, he passed away oh-so-appropriately in his pyjamas.

Sleep well, buddy ol’ pal.

(Ignore the urn under Lira. I was way late taking this picture.)

It was a good night for Gumby, who finally got what he’d been wanting.

Grim: Congratulations, you got the job.

Gumby: I did?

Grim: Sure, your uncle really sucked the fun out of it. But we should probably perform the proper ceremony.

Grim: There is one thing you should know, though… *vanishes*

Gumby: Why does this keep happening to me?

You can’t make this shit up. Literally the second Grim was gone, the jelly bean garden burst into flames.

Buzz: Buzz Lightyear to the rescue!

Sorry, kid, I locked the gate before. Only Balboa can go through there. *dark laugh*

Gumby: It’s my birthday!

NOT NOW, YOU IDIOT.

Oh, how I wish Boa had lived to see this.

So beautiful…

I’ve never let a fire go this long before. It took out pretty much all the bushes.

Certain people found a way around the gate.

Ara: A fire, how nice.

And certain people decided to be heroes.

Ara: What are you doing?!

Chris: Saving people’s lives.

Ara: But you’re ruining the metaphor!

Ara: Uncultured swine.

 

And so, beyond the grave, Balboa kicked addiction’s butt and burned his demons to the ground. Much symbolic, so poetry. Wow.

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Sorry for the break! It took me a while to get back in the headspace after floating on a lake all week. (Poor me, I know.)

Also, for those of you who wanted more cat pictures, Dewey finally calmed down enough that we were able to take our first selfie!

And then he gouged my leg in rebellion.

Happy Simming!

-Sam