5.7 When Hell Freezes Over
…is when I’ll learn to update this sodding legacy.
Until then, we’ll all just have to deal with my natural blogging patterns, which—let’s be real—can be mostly summarized as: “When real life sucks, turn to Sims.”
And so, in a state of post-Christmas, cat-hates-me, roommate-got-a-boyfriend and it’s-cold-outside disenchantment, here we are.
It’s good to be back.
Omen: Just wanted to let you fools know I’m getting emancipated. You’re no longer my parents and I’m going into Sith training on Korriban.
Gumby: What did he say?
Frieda: Not sure, I think he’s leaving forever. Isn’t that great?
Gumby: Leaving? Dang ungrateful little weasel, after all we done for him!
Gumby: We raised him up from nothing, gave him all the free time and independence a young lad could want! Well, if he can’t respect his elders…
Gumby: …I’ll have to confiscate his Legos for a week. That’ll teach him!
Frieda: What have I married?
Gumby: You, my darling, have married the strong arm of the law!
Frieda: More like the Spaghetti Noodle of Sadness…
How tragic that Omen ran off before his brand new bedroom was finished!
Omen (offscreen): That’s not a bedroom.
Indeed, and not because we’re short on funds (that too) but because all the rooms are full and I can’t brain enough to change the house design.
I even personalized it as much as possible—I like to think the jarred alien is his unborn twin or something. The exit sign? A taunting reminder that he can check out any time he likes, but he can never leave. The Grim poster? Daddy dearest, of course.
Omen (offscreen): Never coming back.
Gumby (sulking): Don’t know what he’s talking about, I’m the coolest dad ever. Right, Pokey?
Pokey: Yessir. And I am the world’s most attentive mom.
Good lord, Langurds. Not again.
As always, the good fairy saved the day.
Skydancer: Smoking mac and cheese, baby unicorn… Same thing.
Storm: Are you my mommy?
Everyone is parentally confused around here. For instance, Frieda’s on the verge of spawning a brand new Langurd, but when she gets in the shower she ceases to be pregnant at all.
Frieda: Do you mind.
Gumby: Congratulations on your graduation, son.
And now the secondary meaning of this chapter’s title comes to light, as winter descends on Isla Paradiso.
Snow falls where fire once burned *dark laugh*
You see why I had to call it the “The Age of Contradictions”? XD
I kinda like it though.
If I ever lose Frieda, she’s usually floated like a magnet to the highest concentration of gold in the house. Either that, or she has a really weak bladder. Are you gonna pop yet or what??
Frieda: Not just yet, I’d like to be a little more prepared.
Oh, NOW you’re putting the effort in?
*literally 1 second later*
Frieda: Well, I’m ready as I’ll ever be!
We’ll leave her for a moment to check on Sky, whose sense of purpose is slowly dwindling.
Skydancer: You see, I’m not actually losing my sense of purpose, but the overlord keeps forgetting what I should be doing or that I’m even here at all for that matter, so I end up doing a lot of useless garbage, like talking to you.
Skydancer: Perhaps that came out wrong…
Back we go to Mrs. Prepared, who clearly read that book very thoroughly.
Frieda: In inclement weather, one must drive extra fast to outrun the snow.
And clearly reads all books very thoroughly.
Well, it finally happened. Finally, a Langurd mother was so irresponsible that she killed her baby in the womb.
Frieda: You are mistaken. This is exactly what I wanted.
I hate to say it, but me too. I’d have been a little peeved if we didn’t get one ghost baby out of her (hehe see what I did there?
Yeah no, Peeves is a poltergeist you loser).
This little one is Calamity Langurd, Brave and Insane lover of Spiceberry and some other stuff, apple of her mother’s eye until—
Frieda: Mother must go look at shiny things now, darling. *drops*
Another heir candidate irreparably damaged.
Speaking of which, Omen found his way back to us. I suspect he took a wrong turn on the way to Sith School.
Omen: Peace and love are the keys to eternal wisdom!
Omen: I must study hard if I am to be as righteous as the great guru Xavyn Molark.
But that sounds like a boyband memb—
Omen: If ignorance is bliss, what is the truth?
While everything else is in a shambles, Gumby is relatively on track with his Jockey LTW. Pokey is still his steed of choice, but Axorn has been his designated jumper. He also gets pictured more because, well, look how pretty.
Axorn: IT IS AN HONOUR.
Buzz’s life is anything BUT on track. He’s so lost that he’s forgotten how to snore in binary.
*dream echoes*: YOU ARE A TOY!
Pokey is also quite directionless.
Pokey: Are you kidding? This is bliss!
Omen’s sejour at the Temple of Molark sadly did nothing to clear the bad blood with his parents.
Omen: Guru Molark does not wish us to say “hate,” but please know that you thoroughly displease me.
Gumby: That’s nice, son.
Oh. What the hell. Mandrake still lives here? I could have sworn he’d moved out.
Mandrake: It’s because I live sad and alone in a tower of loneliness.
Well, why don’t you let down your hair already, princess?
Being alone is hard enough without others rubbing in their emphatic togetherness.
Gumby: I heard a lullabye.
Frieda: Fuck you.
Gumby: But you just did that
Mandrake: Help me baby, your parents are making strange noises and it’s scary!
Irony at its finest.
Speaking of which, we give the stage now to Isla Paradiso’s one and only Noisy Mime.
Mandrake: Winter is coming. I sense a disturbance in the Force.
Mandrake: Oh my, the fandom purists hath struck me down!
Mandrake: I am but a sham!
Mandrake: Would that the earth could swallow me!
Speakers: *blaring death metal*
Skydancer: Now that I’ve offended all the other mirrors in the house, I guess it’s just you and me. Did anyone tell you you look like a huge vag—
THAT’S ENOUGH NOW.
Toilet: Really, woman? Your insatiable greed lands you in an unhappy marriage, your dorky husband knocks you up, your weak human stomach makes you vomit and I’M to blame???
Pokey: Hey genius, you hear that? You’re gonna be a dad again.
Gumby: Thanks, Pokey! You too!
Winter winds make for great acoustics.
The morning sickness saga continues.
Frieda: I wanted to puke here, but there’s a ghost.
And at last, our speculation is put to rest as she hovers in the bannister for 230498230489 hours and spins some new mat wear.
Frieda: Haha, you can’t CAS me.
Don’t I know it. –_–
(In the NRaaS CAS panel, I can change Frieda’s life state to human – you know, so I can see what I’m working with – but when she’s pregnant, it won’t let me change her back to a ghost. So it’s luck of the Mismatched Crap Lottery, though thankfully she’s usually been quite sensible in her choice of clothes.)
Dead babies and broken droids, what a sad sight to behold.
Buzz: Oh, my circuits!
He’ll never be the same without
And if Buzz is out of service, that pretty much spells the end for Calamity.
Gumby: Come on, you’re a newborn AND you’re dead. It’s not like you have any use for it, right?
Gumby: Thanks, Cal! You’re the best!
Jeez, it’s called “stealing candy from a baby,” not “giving the baby an existential crisis.”
Gumby’s feeling pretty pleased with himself lately. Like his life is actually going well or something.
Gumby: Look at this place, all rejuve-me-nated and teeming with new life! I did that!
Pokey: Actually no, I did that. Your baby is dead.
Gumby: La la la la la la la, can’t hear you! Too busy being a genius!
Wrong again — that would be your son. Presently using that helpful trait to… “Chat with Tariq”? A.k.a. Mandrake’s hard-to-get boyfriend?
Omen: Aunt Sky and I are staging an intervention, you see. *types* Yes baby, this is your Manny-Wannykins. Not much, just got out of the shower. No, I didn’t actually shower, I just stood in there thinking about life. You. Me. Us. I think we’re meant to be together, Tar-Tar. I think about your butt when I fall asleep.
Gumby: Yeah? Well, I can use a computer too!
…What did you do?
Gumby: Something HORRIBLE.
Yeah, he bought a resort.
“Bought” is a loose term because I think we actually got the place for free. “Resort” is also loose since it’s a fixer-upper, a real “started from the bottom” story like the Langurds themselves. Much like the Langurds, it’s unlikely to ever reach the “now we here” phase, but that’s okay! Maybe it’ll be a fun project.
Because that’s all that matters, of course.
So this, my friends, is the Langurds’ second business venture: The Fool’s Goldmine! Why? …Because it’s a piece of shit masquerading as a luxury retreat.
But also because it is (or hopefully will be) a goldmine and is owned by fools.
Typical me, I quickly compensated for the $0 price tag by spending $20k renovating the place.
The location screamed beach but the snow screamed mountains, so I told them both to shut up and went with a completely non-cohesive decorating style. Here we have the coffee room. Sorry, I mean the kitchen. With coffee. (I’m nine-days java sober, can you tell?)
Two bathrooms, identical on the inside, divided on the outside by rigid gender rules. *rant*
The lobby. Get your face out of the door, Lev.
The tea parlour.
And the “Luxury” Suite. XD
The goldmine didn’t attract too many fools in the first few days, but that could be because the place was buried in snow. Perhaps.
Time flies when you’re
having fun three-timing all the way to the next birthday.
Gumby: Hey, isn’t it funny how the cake is called “Birthday Inferno” but we’ve never had a cake fire?
Skydancer: Omg Gumby, why would you bring that up now?
Skydancer: This is all your fault.
Gumby: I’m a FIREBENDER!
Skydancer: Yeah? Put it out then.
Gumby: …I’m not a firebender.
Skydancer: Pah! I can’t live with you lot anymore!
Omen: Hey guys I still hate you all but I came for the— NOOOO WHY IS THE CAKE BURNING??!
Frieda: WHY IS THE BABY CRYING??!
Skydancer: Um, maybe because her birthday just blew up and no one cares?
Frieda: Well, kindly make her STOP.
Fire gone, cake replaced, and table neglected, we took another stab at it. (The birthday, not the baby.)
Gumby: Yay, cake!
Frieda: Yay, silence!
Buzz: Hi, Skydancer! I love you!
Sky: Omg dad not now.
Skydancer: Here, kid. You could use a bit of birthday luck.
Jk ‘cause she’s just twirling sparkles in her hands like an idiot.
Frieda: What a hassle just to get some cake!
Tewl: Yo, did somebody say cake?
Buzz: How do I cake?
Calamity: *is casually a toddler now*
I hoped the pain would at least be worth it, but no. Calamity’s a Gumby clone with a hint of Frieda that I can’t put my finger on.
Calamity: That’s because u can’t touch this.
Hopefully, her feisty traits will redeem her in time.
But for now she’s a fucking angel.
Calamity: Hey, brother! Nice gloves!
Omen: Screw you.
Calamity: But I meant it! they really are nice gloves!
Poor, misunderstood mess of a child.
The ultimate cake party was divided into two waves. First, the rejected parents.
Gumby: Young’uns these days, I’m telling you. They think they can do it all on their own, but they always come crawling back in the end. Thankfully Omen knows not to cross his father again.
Frieda: He called you a snivelling puddle of stupid the other day.
Gumby: We’ll be having a little talk.
Buzz: *sigh* I wish Skydancer were proud of me.
Then the cool kids had their turn.
Mandrake: I found the messages you two have been sending to Tariq. You’re both garbage, you know that?
Skydancer: Only took him three weeks.
And the poor birthday girl was left to play with her “poopaw dwagoon,” further emphasizing the paternal resemblance.
Calamity: Teach me yo ways, o gweat dwagoon! I’mma bweave fioh juss’ like you!
She worries me a smidge.
And yet we’re taking our chances with more.
Gumby: Yep, just watching over my lovely pregnant wife.
Frieda: Maybe you should watch over your starving baby unicorn instead. She’s in the red again.
Gumby: Aw shit.
YUSSSS *high fives self* I promised seven days and I did it in four! Let’s pretend this year is off to a really good start, and that I didn’t stew over these pictures for three and a half months before I actually started captioning them…
For any Sim Salad fans, I have screenshots ready for another episode! But the aim is to knock off a few more Langurd chapters first. I want to finish this thing in my lifetime, so…
As always, thank you for all your comments! I’ve been terrible at responding lately, but I always get to them eventually, I promise.
Posted on January 10, 2016, in Generashun 5 and tagged axorn, birth, birthday inferno, buzz lightyear, calamity, fire, frieda, ghost baby, gumby, mandrake, noisy mime, omen, pokey, pregnancy, resort, sith school, skydancer, storm, terrible mothers, the fool's goldmine, winter. Bookmark the permalink. 20 Comments.