5.7 When Hell Freezes Over

…is when I’ll learn to update this sodding legacy.

Until then, we’ll all just have to deal with my natural blogging patterns, which—let’s be real—can be mostly summarized as: “When real life sucks, turn to Sims.”

And so, in a state of post-Christmas, cat-hates-me, roommate-got-a-boyfriend and it’s-cold-outside disenchantment, here we are.

It’s good to be back.

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Omen: Just wanted to let you fools know I’m getting emancipated. You’re no longer my parents and I’m going into Sith training on Korriban.

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Gumby: What did he say?

Frieda: Not sure, I think he’s leaving forever. Isn’t that great?

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Gumby: Leaving? Dang ungrateful little weasel, after all we done for him!

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Gumby: We raised him up from nothing, gave him all the free time and independence a young lad could want! Well, if he can’t respect his elders…

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Gumby: …I’ll have to confiscate his Legos for a week. That’ll teach him!

Frieda: What have I married?

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Gumby: You, my darling, have married the strong arm of the law!

Frieda: More like the Spaghetti Noodle of Sadness…

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How tragic that Omen ran off before his brand new bedroom was finished!

Omen (offscreen): That’s not a bedroom.

Indeed, and not because we’re short on funds (that too) but because all the rooms are full and I can’t brain enough to change the house design.

I even personalized it as much as possible—I like to think the jarred alien is his unborn twin or something. The exit sign? A taunting reminder that he can check out any time he likes, but he can never leave. The Grim poster? Daddy dearest, of course.

Omen (offscreen): Never coming back.

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Gumby (sulking): Don’t know what he’s talking about, I’m the coolest dad ever. Right, Pokey?

Pokey: Yessir. And I am the world’s most attentive mom.

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Storm: MOMMY?!!!

Good lord, Langurds. Not again.

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As always, the good fairy saved the day.

Skydancer: Smoking mac and cheese, baby unicorn… Same thing.

Storm: Are you my mommy?

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Everyone is parentally confused around here. For instance, Frieda’s on the verge of spawning a brand new Langurd, but when she gets in the shower she ceases to be pregnant at all.

Frieda: Do you mind.

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Gumby: Congratulations on your graduation, son.

Storm: Wtf

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And now the secondary meaning of this chapter’s title comes to light, as winter descends on Isla Paradiso.

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Snow falls where fire once burned *dark laugh*

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You see why I had to call it the “The Age of Contradictions”? XD

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I kinda like it though.

/picspam

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If I ever lose Frieda, she’s usually floated like a magnet to the highest concentration of gold in the house. Either that, or she has a really weak bladder. Are you gonna pop yet or what??

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Frieda: Not just yet, I’d like to be a little more prepared.

Oh, NOW you’re putting the effort in?

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*literally 1 second later*

Frieda: Well, I’m ready as I’ll ever be!

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We’ll leave her for a moment to check on Sky, whose sense of purpose is slowly dwindling.

Skydancer: You see, I’m not actually losing my sense of purpose, but the overlord keeps forgetting what I should be doing or that I’m even here at all for that matter, so I end up doing a lot of useless garbage, like talking to you.

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Mirror: *OFFENDED*

Skydancer: Perhaps that came out wrong…

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Back we go to Mrs. Prepared, who clearly read that book very thoroughly.

Frieda: In inclement weather, one must drive extra fast to outrun the snow.

And clearly reads all books very thoroughly.

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Well, it finally happened. Finally, a Langurd mother was so irresponsible that she killed her baby in the womb.

Frieda: You are mistaken. This is exactly what I wanted.

I hate to say it, but me too. I’d have been a little peeved if we didn’t get one ghost baby out of her (hehe see what I did there? Yeah no, Peeves is a poltergeist you loser).

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This little one is Calamity Langurd, Brave and Insane lover of Spiceberry and some other stuff, apple of her mother’s eye until—

Frieda: Mother must go look at shiny things now, darling. *drops*

Another heir candidate irreparably damaged.

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Speaking of which, Omen found his way back to us. I suspect he took a wrong turn on the way to Sith School.

Omen: Peace and love are the keys to eternal wisdom!

Dear lord.

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Omen: I must study hard if I am to be as righteous as the great guru Xavyn Molark.

But that sounds like a boyband memb—

Omen: If ignorance is bliss, what is the truth?

STOP.

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While everything else is in a shambles, Gumby is relatively on track with his Jockey LTW. Pokey is still his steed of choice, but Axorn has been his designated jumper. He also gets pictured more because, well, look how pretty.

Axorn: IT IS AN HONOUR.

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Buzz’s life is anything BUT on track. He’s so lost that he’s forgotten how to snore in binary.

*dream echoes*: YOU ARE A TOY!

YOU ARE A TOY

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Pokey is also quite directionless.

Pokey: Are you kidding? This is bliss!

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Omen’s sejour at the Temple of Molark sadly did nothing to clear the bad blood with his parents.

Omen: Guru Molark does not wish us to say “hate,” but please know that you thoroughly displease me.

Gumby: That’s nice, son.

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Oh. What the hell. Mandrake still lives here? I could have sworn he’d moved out.

Mandrake: It’s because I live sad and alone in a tower of loneliness.

Well, why don’t you let down your hair already, princess?

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Being alone is hard enough without others rubbing in their emphatic togetherness.

Gumby: I heard a lullabye.

Frieda: Fuck you.

Gumby: But you just did that

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Mandrake: Help me baby, your parents are making strange noises and it’s scary!

Irony at its finest.

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Speaking of which, we give the stage now to Isla Paradiso’s one and only Noisy Mime.

Mandrake: Winter is coming. I sense a disturbance in the Force.

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Mandrake: Oh my, the fandom purists hath struck me down!

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Mandrake: I am but a sham!

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Mandrake: Would that the earth could swallow me!

Speakers: *blaring death metal*

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Skydancer: Now that I’ve offended all the other mirrors in the house, I guess it’s just you and me. Did anyone tell you you look like a huge vag—

THAT’S ENOUGH NOW.

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Toilet: Really, woman? Your insatiable greed lands you in an unhappy marriage, your dorky husband knocks you up, your weak human stomach makes you vomit and I’M to blame???

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Pokey: Hey genius, you hear that? You’re gonna be a dad again.

Gumby: Thanks, Pokey! You too!

Winter winds make for great acoustics.

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The morning sickness saga continues.

Frieda: I wanted to puke here, but there’s a ghost.

Boa: Same.

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And at last, our speculation is put to rest as she hovers in the bannister for 230498230489 hours and spins some new mat wear.

Frieda: Haha, you can’t CAS me.

Don’t I know it. –_–

(In the NRaaS CAS panel, I can change Frieda’s life state to human – you know, so I can see what I’m working with – but when she’s pregnant, it won’t let me change her back to a ghost. So it’s luck of the Mismatched Crap Lottery, though thankfully she’s usually been quite sensible in her choice of clothes.)

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Dead babies and broken droids, what a sad sight to behold.

Buzz: Oh, my circuits!

He’ll never be the same without Leia Lira.

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And if Buzz is out of service, that pretty much spells the end for Calamity.

Gumby: Come on, you’re a newborn AND you’re dead. It’s not like you have any use for it, right?

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Gumby: Thanks, Cal! You’re the best!

Jeez, it’s called “stealing candy from a baby,” not “giving the baby an existential crisis.”

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Gumby’s feeling pretty pleased with himself lately. Like his life is actually going well or something.

Gumby: Look at this place, all rejuve-me-nated and teeming with new life! I did that!

Pokey: Actually no, I did that. Your baby is dead.

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Gumby: La la la la la la la, can’t hear you! Too busy being a genius!

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Wrong again — that would be your son. Presently using that helpful trait to… “Chat with Tariq”? A.k.a. Mandrake’s hard-to-get boyfriend?

Omen: Aunt Sky and I are staging an intervention, you see. *types* Yes baby, this is your Manny-Wannykins. Not much, just got out of the shower. No, I didn’t actually shower, I just stood in there thinking about life. You. Me. Us. I think we’re meant to be together, Tar-Tar. I think about your butt when I fall asleep.

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Gumby: Yeah? Well, I can use a computer too!

…What did you do?

Gumby: Something HORRIBLE.

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Yeah, he bought a resort.

“Bought” is a loose term because I think we actually got the place for free. “Resort” is also loose since it’s a fixer-upper, a real “started from the bottom” story like the Langurds themselves. Much like the Langurds, it’s unlikely to ever reach the “now we here” phase, but that’s okay! Maybe it’ll be a fun project.

Because that’s all that matters, of course.

Make_it_rain

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So this, my friends, is the Langurds’ second business venture: The Fool’s Goldmine! Why? …Because it’s a piece of shit masquerading as a luxury retreat.

But also because it is (or hopefully will be) a goldmine and is owned by fools.

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Typical me, I quickly compensated for the $0 price tag by spending $20k renovating the place.

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The location screamed beach but the snow screamed mountains, so I told them both to shut up and went with a completely non-cohesive decorating style. Here we have the coffee room. Sorry, I mean the kitchen. With coffee. (I’m nine-days java sober, can you tell?)

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Two bathrooms, identical on the inside, divided on the outside by rigid gender rules. *rant*

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The lobby. Get your face out of the door, Lev.

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The tea parlour.

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And the “Luxury” Suite. XD

The goldmine didn’t attract too many fools in the first few days, but that could be because the place was buried in snow. Perhaps.

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Time flies when you’re having fun three-timing all the way to the next birthday.

Gumby: Hey, isn’t it funny how the cake is called “Birthday Inferno” but we’ve never had a cake fire?

Skydancer: Omg Gumby, why would you bring that up now?

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Skydancer: This is all your fault.

Gumby: I’m a FIREBENDER!

Skydancer: Yeah? Put it out then.

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Gumby: …I’m not a firebender.

Skydancer: Pah! I can’t live with you lot anymore!

Omen: Hey guys I still hate you all but I came for the— NOOOO WHY IS THE CAKE BURNING??!

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Frieda: WHY IS THE BABY CRYING??!

Skydancer: Um, maybe because her birthday just blew up and no one cares?

Frieda: Well, kindly make her STOP.

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Fire gone, cake replaced, and table neglected, we took another stab at it. (The birthday, not the baby.)

Gumby: Yay, cake!

Frieda: Yay, silence!

Buzz: Hi, Skydancer! I love you!

Sky: Omg dad not now.

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Skydancer: Here, kid. You could use a bit of birthday luck.

Jk ‘cause she’s just twirling sparkles in her hands like an idiot.

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Frieda: What a hassle just to get some cake!

Gumby: CAKE.

Tewl: Yo, did somebody say cake?

Buzz: How do I cake?

Calamity: *is casually a toddler now*

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I hoped the pain would at least be worth it, but no. Calamity’s a Gumby clone with a hint of Frieda that I can’t put my finger on.

Calamity: That’s because u can’t touch this.

Hopefully, her feisty traits will redeem her in time.

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But for now she’s a fucking angel.

Calamity: Hey, brother! Nice gloves!

Omen: Screw you.

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Calamity: But I meant it! they really are nice gloves!

Poor, misunderstood mess of a child.

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The ultimate cake party was divided into two waves. First, the rejected parents.

Gumby: Young’uns these days, I’m telling you. They think they can do it all on their own, but they always come crawling back in the end. Thankfully Omen knows not to cross his father again.

Frieda: He called you a snivelling puddle of stupid the other day.

Gumby: We’ll be having a little talk.

Buzz: *sigh* I wish Skydancer were proud of me.

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Then the cool kids had their turn.

Mandrake: I found the messages you two have been sending to Tariq. You’re both garbage, you know that?

Skydancer: Only took him three weeks.

And the poor birthday girl was left to play with her “poopaw dwagoon,” further emphasizing the paternal resemblance.

dwagoon

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Calamity: Teach me yo ways, o gweat dwagoon! I’mma bweave fioh juss’ like you!

She worries me a smidge.

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And yet we’re taking our chances with more.

Gumby: Yep, just watching over my lovely pregnant wife.

Frieda: Maybe you should watch over your starving baby unicorn instead. She’s in the red again.

Gumby: Aw shit.

_____________________________________________________________________________

YUSSSS *high fives self* I promised seven days and I did it in four! Let’s pretend this year is off to a really good start, and that I didn’t stew over these pictures for three and a half months before I actually started captioning them…

For any Sim Salad fans, I have screenshots ready for another episode! But the aim is to knock off a few more Langurd chapters first. I want to finish this thing in my lifetime, so…

As always, thank you for all your comments! I’ve been terrible at responding lately, but I always get to them eventually, I promise.

Happy Simming!

-Sam

About gryffindork7

I like cats. This is a really thorough bio.

Posted on January 10, 2016, in Generashun 5 and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 20 Comments.

  1. Alien genes are so hard to dilute! Just imagine Calamity with Frieda’s hair color…

    Like

  2. Wow alien-ghost, at least Calamity has one up on her big brother, she’s a hybrid occult! Still adorable, even if face clone. I’m sure you did it on purpose, still made me lol that Gumby and Calamity both have checked onesises. Also, really sad that Aunt Sky took the ghost baby to the cake; obviously, her parents have touched her as little as possible since birth.

    Still loving Omen (and his name!), the 8yo trying to run away, such a classic.

    Also, Star Wars refs FTW! New movie is so awesome.

    Like

    • My first hybrid, too! (If you don’t count Skydancer… she needed a mod to exist, and I’m not sure the game has a framework for what she is). I’m starting to care less about the clone factor, partly because it’s inevitable and partly because I don’t want to write off heir candidates purely based on their looks. So I still have high hopes for Calamity. 🙂 The onesie matching was actually unintentional but definitely subconscious… their favourite colours (Violet and Spiceberry) are pretty similar too.

      I mean who wouldn’t try to run away from Frieda and Gumby? 😛

      SO awesome!! I’m still reeling from that final shot…

      Liked by 1 person

  3. All those Star Wars refs…did someone see the new movie perhaps?

    I DID AND IT WAS AWESOME. *screams to high heaven*

    *cough* Anyway! Great chapter as usual! I know you don’t think so, but they really are worth the wait. Also Omen reminds me a lot of Kylo Ren. ._.

    Theres also a new chapter of the Oleanders if you’re interested!

    Like

    • Nooooo, why ever would you think that? 😀

      (It was flipping incredible and I loved it way too much.)

      Well, I’m glad you think so! Unfortunately, the longer I go without writing them, the harder it is to make them funny… which is serious incentive to update more frequently. And omg, you’re kinda right… the parallels are scary if you think of Gumby & Frieda as Han & Leia (haha, if that were possible).

      Ooooh, I’ll have to check it out! I may be a few chapters behind, so double the fun to catch up on. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Of course the day I post a new Gordon’s chapter after four months is the same day that you post a Langurd’s chapter after three-and-a-half months XD

    Also, the Star Wars references give me life. That movie was soo good!! 😀 But… Ben, how could you!? *shakes fist at the sky*

    Ahh, how I do love the Langurds! Also, where did you get Calamity’s hair!? (Fantastic name, btw) Another awesome chapter that of course I forgot every witty thing I planned to say about it by the time I got to the end. I guess that’s just how good it is! 😛

    (I thought I posted this comment last night, but when I booted up this morning it was still sitting here and laughing at my incompetence…)

    Like

    • I know, I did a double take when my feed refreshed and your chapter was sitting right under mine. XD It’s like our legacies are cousins or something.

      I know!!! Ahhh, so many emotional blows in those two and a half hours… But I thoroughly enjoyed every minute.

      Derrr… I can’t remember because I suck, but I *think* it’s a Store hair from one of my rare SimPoint splurges. There’s probably a retexture somewhere for free, but idk I’m lazy. 😛 And thank you! I was feeling a little off about this chapter so I’m glad it did not disappoint. 😀

      Haha, typical. 😛

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Your cat hates you? I’m sure he just hates.. something else.. and because he loves you, he take out his frustration on you? Maybe? No? Damn.

    I am actually in love with the name Calamity. I think it suits her perfectly and I love the renos. I was really hoping for a baby that would look more like Frieda, but those alien genes are just too strong I guess. I think I’m just looking for normal eyes and not the black ones that you look into and witness your own death (like in the taken series. The one about aliens, not the ones with Liam Nesson). Terrible show, couldn’t sleep for days.

    Like

    • Okay, so maybe he doesn’t HATE me… but he certainly doesn’t love me, at least not as much as he loves digging his fangs into my fragile flesh. 😥 And then there are moments when he’ll cuddle up like a baby on my shoulder and fall asleep. So I’m confused. But that’s cats for you, I guess. 😛

      I know right! Haha, Calamity was the first name that popped into my head when I was planning Gumby’s generation, and I may or may not have based the whole name scheme around it. The alien eyes are quite disturbing (even if I haven’t seen Taken – gonna have to look that up now) but at least with the Langurd features, they look more cartoony than soulless. 😛

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh hey, I never got a notification of comments on this post because I never commented! I am awesome.

    Birthday bonfire! I gave my sim Fireproof Homestead because I love burning fireplaces, and I’m sick of the house catching fire every other day. But that means I don’t get birthday fire disasters anymore. I got nothing against my sims facing death by fire. It’s just less fun if it happens ALL THE TIME.

    I agree that Calamity is the BEST possible name. I think I squealed aloud when I read it. Or I might have just been squealing in my head.

    BTW: I’m pretty sure Calamity has Freida’s mouth. That’s a major feature, so she’s not a face clone. She just, ah, bears remarkable resemblance to her father. I want to see one of these alien/ghost kids get Gumby’s skintone and Freida’s hair.

    Like

    • Well, HOW DARE YOU? 😛

      You know, I think I must have bought that reward for the Langurds a few houses ago, probably after one too many “Waffulmagedduns.” Which is perhaps why we haven’t had a cake fire ’til now. It was truly creepy – Sky was bringing Cally to the cake and I was thinking “Gee, isn’t it weird that we’ve had 100000 birthdays and 0 cake fires?” And then BOOM, disaster. At least it fits with the name theme, I guess?

      I was far too proud of myself when I chose it. I thought it bridged that “words that aren’t names but could be” gap quite perfectly. And I think you’re right! So she’s officially out of clone zone. (Harr.) As for the green/white combo, just wait and see… 😉

      Like

  7. *is four months late to the party*

    Yeah, yeah, bad at commenting and such. I just realized I missed like six chapters of your legacy, so I need to catch up.

    Poor Omen. I don’t blame him for running away. I totally laughed at the cake fire, too. I’ve never had one myself, as I tend to forget to give my Sims birthday cakes, but I’m sure it’ll happen sooner or later. I did have a Sims 2 Sim set himself on fire after making a Baked Alaska once, which was hilarious.

    Calamity may be a clone, but she’s adorable. And slightly terrifying. Hopefully the third Frieda and Gumby spawn will be a better mix of the two.

    I also feel you on the cat hate. My cat hates me because I moved out of my parents’ house and went to university. Every time I go home there’s hissing and running away. I raised her from a baby kitten too! Ungrateful little snot, she is.

    Great chapter! 🙂

    Like

    • “Bad at commenting,” please, it’s not like I can talk! Apparently I only have the mental capacity to stay up to date with like, two blogs at once. 😛 I’m way overdue for a Scatterday fix.

      See, now that you’ve said that about cake fires, you’ll probably get one at the next birthday. 😛 I realized the Langurds had the “Fireproof Homestead” reward through most of the earlier generations, which was probably the only reason we avoided it for so long. Oh man, Baked Alaska. Those were the days, when the chance of combustion was like 80%. Remember when sims were in mortal peril ALL THE TIME?

      Calamity would likely be a shoe-in for heir if she weren’t a clone. Or maybe if she had a good face, I’d write her badly because I wouldn’t feel the need to compensate? We’ll never know.

      Wow, cats are downright awful sometimes. </3 Mine was a little guy when I got him, and pretty sick too, and it was just us stuck in a tiny apartment together for months because I couldn't leave him alone. Now he literally bites the hand that feeds (not gently, either). It's like he resents me for his troubled youth. XD

      Thank you! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’m also behind on pretty much EVERYTHING. I just published a new Scatterday chapter, and I’m just replying to comments on the last chapter, and then I think I need to do some reading because I am way overdue to comment on some stuff. Catch up with the Scatterdays at any time! 😀

        I probably will get a cake fire, if I ever remember to get my Sims a cake. 😛 When I left off playing the Scatterdays last summer (don’t judge me!), someone was due to age up in a couple of days, so maybe I’ll get them a cake and see if they set themselves on fire. I do remember Sims constantly being in mortal peril with the Sims 2 base game, especially pregnant Sims, who often died for no reason! I had a few who did that, but one my have, uh, accidentally starved to death somehow. If it makes you feel better, my Baked Alaska fire Sim – Conrad, I think his name was, if I remember 2007 correctly – managed to set himself on fire in a room with a smoke detector, so a fireman managed to save him. I was too busy laughing to care if he died or not. 😛

        Calamity could still be a good heiress despite being a clone. Half my Sims were clones until I figured out the MasterController better gene blending setting, and now they’re all interesting looking! She is still adorable. 🙂

        Aww, clearly your kitty hates you saving his life! THE NERVE OF YOU, SAM. My cat also fought with my boyfriend on Christmas Eve of all days, because he tried to walk past her to have a shower. They actually had a conversation that went something like “HISS!” “Really?” “HISS!” “You know I’m just going to step over you, right?” “HISS!” It was hilarious.

        Liked by 1 person

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