5.8 Lukewarm Enthusiasm

Who is Luke, and why is he warm? Why isn’t it Michaelwarm or Garywarm? Why does Luke get all the glory? Why am I writing these words and how do I stop?

Um, yes.

Previously, Gumby took a leap of faith stupidity and invested in a crappy resort called the Fool’s Goldmine. Several days into its operations, I decided we’d better check in on the place to ensure that leap doesn’t end in a deadly fall.

Receptionist: Oh boy, here we go again. *sigh* Hi, welcome to the Fool’s Goldmine. Can I interest you in a stale breakfast or a cold shower?

Gumby: Miss, I own this place.

Receptionist: I’m sorry. Can I interest you in a FREE stale breakfast or cold shower?

The first guest he encountered was Valencia Langurd-Lin.

…

Langurd-Lin.

…

DAMMIT GUMBY, SHE’S YOUR FIRST COUSIN ONCE REMOVED! STOP THAT!!

Gumby: Oh hai, long lost relative!

Valencia: Er…

DON’T DO THAT EITHER!!

Gumby: I’M SO CONFUSED

So am I. This was his first interaction with her, and completely autonomous.

Gumby: Serves you right!

Valencia: For coming to this shithole? Fine, I’ll stay away.

Great going, Gumby. Beating up old ladies screams “hospitality” like nothing else.

Gumby: You know what screams hospitality? FISHIES!

I decided to give the place a heart and soul. Its name is Fool.

Fool: I ain’t screamin’ nothin.

Gumby: You’re gonna make me rich, Fool! I’mma be swimming in cash!

Fool: Go die.

Valencia: Seriously, how do I leave?

Time to do the rounds, Mr. Proprietor.

Gumby: Place looks great. Everything in tip-top shape.

Gumby: Gotta practise my waterbending though.

Gumby: Guess I’m not a waterbender either…

Maid: Hey, how dare you do my job?

On second thought, maybe we should let the place be…

Further evidence—Frieda scared all the paying customers away from the buffet.

Man: You’re even more off-putting than that severed dog head in the snow.

Frieda: What a shame you won’t get to eat any of this delicious food.

Frieda: A whole tea room to myself? I hope we never get any customers!

I’d turn this into a rousing game of “Find Frieda”… if only I could repattern her coat. 😡

Frieda: Can you find me now?

Yes. Stop being so picturesque. This screenshot is taking up half a meg of upload space and I can’t delete it. Help.

Frieda: How about now?

Gumby: Frieda? Where are you??

Frieda: Gotcha, sucker!

Well, the front desk is broken so Gumby can’t book out the luxury suite at his own resort. But no one said anything about breaking in… 😉

Frieda: Walls are my bitch.

The rooftop bar, which I added during the renovations, is the most hopping place on the premises, but no one can quite figure out why they’re there.

Bartender: Let’s all gather around this tiny match for warmth!

But it was soon to be out-hopped by the lobby.

Gumby: Are you about to die at my resort on opening weekend? I don’t think so, lady!

Mylee: Gee, I’m sorry I couldn’t scientifically predict the exact moment of my passing.

Gumby: Happens to the best of us. Now excuse me for one second…

GumbyGrim: TROLOLOLOLOL! It r tiem 2 die, lady… Wait, where’d she go?

After the ordeal, everyone was so distraught that they just couldn’t hold it in any longer.

Yeah Gumby, let’s put the blame on the OTHER guy.

It was at this moment that I realized there’d been a LOT of self-wettings since we moved to the island. Like, an inordinate number even for Sims. I think somehow, everyone lost the autonomous instinct to seek a bathroom. But I’m not sure if that’s IP’s fault or just my game. You can tell from EchoWeaver’s beekeeping, ugg-wearing, idek-what’s-happening-on-those-elbows simself (I’m SO sorry) that things aren’t running as smoothly as they should be.

Matthew: Haha, that old lady just wet herself!

Gumby: Please get your smelly butt out of my resort.

And I supposed your pants are wet with angel tears, right Gumby? -.-

Honestly, I don’t know how that kid scored himself a magical Jesus wife.

Frieda: The luxury suite kicked me out.

Oh. I’m sorry.

Frieda: Please, it was so not my style. The baseboards were made of styrofoam.

Remember Doomsday? The falcon Lira brought back from Egypt before she embalmed herself? Well, I think this is the same bird. For all narrative purposes, this is the same bird.

Doomsday: Doomsday!

Naturally, I decided to pull him out of Inventoryland since we don’t have enough living things to look after.

Luckily, Omen is the ultimate multitasker.

Omen: Here you are, O Winged Brother. I’d better go feed my sister now.

After all that, he dedicated some time to improving his skills. Smart boy plays for the Dark Side. 😉

Omen: There is dark and light in every soul.

Oh right, I forgot you joined a cult.

Apparently no game time passes in this chapter, because we’re 24 screenshots in and Friedumby are STILL babysitting the resort. I suppose it is quite a needy baby…

Gumby: How was your dinner, Ma’am?

Honey: That empty plate? Well, seeing as YOU ate it…

Honey: …it was delightful, thank you!

Gumby: Splendid.

The Fool’s Goldmine was starting to quiet down for the night as the guests crammed themselves into these glorified pastel Port-a-Potties.

But something was very wrong. Can you spot it in this picture? No? Neither did I when I took it.

And neither did the Goldmine’s watchful protector.

Gumby: Tonight we’re burning TWO logs in the fire pit! The lengths I go to to keep my guests warm…

Honey: God, it smells like something died out here.

Gumby: What’s going on?

Kayla: Just t-t-trying to f-find my way to b-b-bed, sir.

Kayla: Just a f-f-few more s-s-s-steps…

Gumby: Hey, buzzkill! You’re ruining my ratings!

Gumby: Get your dumb blue butt off my beach!

Kayla: J-just a f-f-f-f-few…

Kayla: *thud*

Gumby: Alrighty, last chance. Get up or I’ll blast you with my heat ray.

Guy: Well, that was a refreshing nap!

Gumby: Time to call it a n— *turns around* OMG SERIOUSLY?!?!

Kayla: I’m sooooo sorry, I don’t know what came over me.

And while Gumby was cleaning up that pickle…

Frieda: Help! I’ve gone transparent again! Fix me or this baby is going to fall right out of me!

On it, boss.

So Frieda went to the hospital alone, and I zoomed back to the house so fast that the rug forgot to render. None of these morons had gotten orders from me in several hours, so they were holed up in Skydancer’s room—what else?—chatting with Tariq.

Omen: Tell him the great silicon divide is too great. That these conversations give you life, but nothing beats the gentle warmth of human-on-human… discourse.

Manny: Okay. How do you spell “great”?

Omen, Mandrake, and Skydancer are like an entity trying to woo the great, flaky Tariq Scott.

Sky: Manny’s sleeping right now. He’ll return your call later, if he feels like it. Hey, don’t take that tone with me, Mister. I know how you treated him on Spooky Day.

Meanwhile, Buzz is lonesome as ever, plugging away at his LTW. Thinking about it now, I’m not sure it’ll even count for points, since he isn’t the heir’s father. The rules just say he has to be able to trace his family tree back to the founder, or contribute to the birth of the next generation. Buzz has done both, so I’m letting it slide. Adopted sims count, so why not “adopted” SimBots?

Buzz *writing*: If only my vast metal trunk would simply implode. It seems the only way to fill the gaping void within…

Dear God, who reads these things?

A lot of people, apparently. He’s not far off the $4,000 mark—another bestseller would probably cut it.

Also note that he enjoys a prolific writing career despite having read exactly ONE book in his life.

Looks like Gumby finally got around to doing what Frieda reminded him to do at the end of last chapter.

Gumby: It’s easy to miss one, you know? There are so many mouths to feed around here.

Storm: My hair glows in the dark, two of your children are transparent, and I’m the one you miss? Dumbass.

Gumby: Wait, two of my children??

That’s right—baby boy Fiasco Langurd just came into this world in style.

Fiasco: I’mma fuck shit up!

He’s an Easily-Impressed Genius, which don’t really go together but oh well, he’s got his whole life to become a stereotype. His favourites are Songwriter, Shawarma, and (just like Daddy) Violet.

He was promptly ditched on the barn floor because the nursery was too far away.

Frieda: All those stairs? No, thank you.

What I forgot to mention is that Fiasco is a Snowflake Day baby. Which means a special visit from Santa Claus an unrendered townie and a gift-giving party in his honour that he can’t actually attend.

Mac: Duuurrrrrr???

Mac: Oh, you thought these presents were for you? Too bad, son. They’re about to be moved somewhere nicer so that we don’t have to hang out in a barn with a stupid baby.

Sky knows this guy from her schmoozing sessions or something. Idk, there aren’t many people to invite when you’re new in town.

Yes—while the game thought the barn was a great place for a party, I did not. So the gift pile immigrated to the front hall to become a professional tripping hazard. By then, more guests had arrived.

Sam: Ugh, what is he doing here?

Donte: Acting totally normal!

Gumby: Hey, Don’t!

Don’t: Don’t act normal? Okay, I can do that!

Sam: Don’t, stop it.

Don’t: Alright, I won’t stop!

Sam: Ugh, I can’t believe I dated this guy!

Gumby: Yeah, THAT’S why you shouldn’t have dated him.

Sam: Please do not bring up the horrors of my past.

Gumby: Um, you’re the one who brought it up though?

Frieda: Hello, children. Where are my gifts?

The gift giving was a bit of a bust because there were too many people and Calamity wouldn’t stop crying two floors up. Manny and Rajan Patel (Frieda’s boss) tried to distract everyone with song.

Rajan: If you’re on the verge of a mental breakdown and you know it, clap your hands! *clap clap* If you want to strangle your employee’s baby clap your hands! *clap clap*

On a side note, I’m in love with the backs of Sky’s and Frieda’s dresses.

Eventually, someone had to go take care of the disturbance. And by “someone” I mean Buzz, because what else is he gonna do besides write trashy novels?

Calamity: I’m hungry! And someone took away my Leia hair!

I feel you, girl.

Skydancer, who’s supposed to be the social butterfly, got bored and went to make tofu dogs.

Sky: Can I gain charisma from talking to appliances?

With her SimBot heritage, I would love that plot twist.

Gumby was left alone in a room of people he couldn’t be sure if he was related to or not.

Gumby: Say, you’re pretty. Have we met?

Adrienne: You beat up my mom.

Gumby: So that makes us…

Adrienne: Not speaking, ever.

Gumby: Okay.

And Rajan thought he’d be the good guy and make the kid feel included.

Rajan: So your parents tell me you ran off to Star Wars school.

Omen: Yeah, not exactly.

Rajan: I’m quite the Trekkie myself.

Omen: Get out of my house, you undexterous knob.

Outside, the resident rejects huddled up together against the impending terrors of the full moon. It’s like she’s his protector. :’)

Storm: Mommy won’t let me in the stall. 😦

Poor Calamity, on the other hand, is all on her own.

Calamity: Calamity good. Calamity got tank.

Alright then.

Sometimes we really do need to take care of things though. Even if negligence makes better comedy than responsibility does.

Frieda: You know, in a certain light, you almost look golden. My little treasure…

Fiasco: *lets one rip*

Next on the “taking care of things” list…

Skydancer: Whoops, haven’t seen you guys in a while!

Plants: We literally live in your bedroom.

Skydancer: Shhh. Just take the magic sparkles, okay?

My houseplants could benefit from some fairy magic right about now.

#3 on the list (notice she’s less important than grapevines)…

Calamity: Who put me in dis smelly horse house??

Mandrake: That would be me.

Calamity: I hope you die in a jelly bean fire!

Mandrake: *runs away crying*

It’s okay, she was just hangry.

Calamity: Everything is awesome!

And god, is she cute when she’s happy. Echoweaver pointed out that she might have Frieda’s mouth, and based on this picture I think she might be right. Yay for less Gumby!

A Langurd… cooking? Apparently I was on a real productive streak here. Making use of Sky’s inert “Natural Cook,” trait I suppose.

Skydancer: I HAVE that??

Right? Who has time to remember these things?

Omen, as always, was tasked with keeping the falcon alive. But Doomsday was having a bit of a rebellious day.

Doomsday: DOOM! DOOM! DEATH TO HUMANS!

Omen: Come on, buddy, I was just trying to feed you!

Omen: Please don’t poop on my head.

Buzz would’ve helped, but he, uh, needed taking care of too.

Mandrake: Make me a sandwich!

*sigh* Guess we’ll be getting a repairman, then.

Mandrake: So… the babies are happy.

Gumby: The plants are watered.

Mandrake: House smells like food. Bird’s alive.

Gumby: Repairman’s on his way.

Mandrake: …WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

Gumby: I DON’T KNOW. THIS NEVER HAPPENS. D:

Gumby could have seen his son off on his first day of real-kid school, but I doubt Omen would have taken well to that. I suspect he would also not take well to my accidentally calling him “Gumby” five times this chapter…

Omen: You WHAT?

Hey, look! Shiny things!

I was briefly in the mood to redecorate. Trophies for Gumby and gold for Frieda.

Notice that none of Gumby’s trophies are gold because Gumby sucks.

Gumby: Bring me a gold trophy, Pokey!

Pokey: NO.

Gumby: What the hell, Pokey? Why not?

Pokey: Because! I’m starving!

Gumby: Nice try, I just fed you!

Pokey: Starving for your ATTENTION, dummy. You only ever ride that shouting buffoon Axorn these days.

Gumby: Here’s a carrot, does that help?

Pokey: …Do you even understand life?

Gumby: I’m gonna make sure Pokey never starves again!

Clearly not.

Paparazzi: You here to see the Langurds? Yeah, they won’t let you in. I’ve tried.

Repairwoman: Are you sure that’s not because you’re a creepy stalker?

Paparazzi: WHATCHU SAY BITCH?

In other news, Friedumby is expecting again.

Just kidding. Probably ate a rotten waffle or something.

I refuse to caption this picture because… because… *cries*

I guess Frieda isn’t a totally negligent mother. She did teach Calamity to walk.

Frieda: Hey, my feet haven’t seen solid ground in years. This is new territory for both of us.

Calamity: Very good, mommy! Just one more step!

I was getting sick of sending people up and down stairs all the time, so what did I do? Why, I built a SECRET TUNNEL, of course. 😀

Sky: Seems legit.

Secret tunnels screw with lighting, apparently.

Sky: Hey Manny, do you think it’s safe to carry this baby down the ladder?

Manny: What? Shh, I’m watching Crazy, Stupid Love!

She pulled off the stunt, but I’m still adding this to Interactions that should not be possible in The Sims 3. Three-point contact, woman!!

Sky: Yolo.

Raised in a barn, carried down a ladder—it’s a wonder Fiasco made it to his first birthday.

He’s… wow. I mean, he obviously got Gumby’s colouring, but I can’t make sense of that face at all. Talk about an even mix.

And look who gets to stop being a sulky brat!

Omen: Wait, I have to stop?

He rolled Vegetarian to go with Disciplined, Light Sleeper, and Genius. So now he’s just an angsty activist teenager.

Omen: Save the Cake lol

But it’s not like a Langurd would ever change the world anyway.

______________________________________________________________________________

Are you proud of me? I captioned almost all of this in one day! Granted, I did very little else besides make muffins (from a mix) and feed my cat. Actually, I don’t think I even did that. I should go now or he’ll eat me. Send help if you don’t hear from me in a week or two.

Happy Simming!

-Sam

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