5.14 Tentative Conclusion

Buckle ur seatbelts kiddos for u r about to read the most half-assed Langurd chapter ever written. I am so over Generation Five.

What’s that? Hold on a sec…

What do you mean this is my 100th post?! You mean I actually have to TRY? I’m not ready for this, dammit! I’m drinking mocha with Bailey’s and watching Project Runway out of my left eye!

Maybe that’s fitting, given that multitasking is the theme of this generation. And it’s been a successful theme if I may say so myself—all of the kids are (oxy)moronic in their own ways, but no one emblemizes the Age of Contradictions quite like Crash does. Athletic and a Genius, non-verbal and a total loose cannon… Oh, and his teen look may be based on this shit disturber:

Leave me alone, I have my guilty pleasure animes just like everyone else.

(#fruitsbasket4lyfe)

Sadly, he doesn’t quite have Hatsuharu’s sex appeal.

Hayley: I don’t have to marry that, do I?

Omg, what a great idea!

Hashini-Patel kid: You walked right into that one.

These two missed the doorway pile-up and half the school day on account of the bus got a massive flat. Between Walking Disaster and Saddest Man Alive, it’s hard to say whose presence caused it.

Fiasco: Let’s face it, it was me.

Calamity: *pockets knife* I’m good with that.

Harder to say what causes Omen’s eyebrows to fall off when he bathes. If I had to guess, he may want to build bridges with the younger sibs before they prank off the rest of his body hair.

Omen: Bridges, with those twerps? Never! Filler ‘til I die.

No amount of filler can put your entire face back on.

Frieda: This is my beautiful son.

Nope, try again.

Frieda: This is my beautiful son.

And this is when I seriously consider doing photographs instead. There are fewer ways to screw up with a camera, right?

Omen: Check out these eyebrows. You’d never guess they were fake, right?

Storm: What happens if I lick one?

Omen: Glue factory.

Storm: Point taken.

But amidst all this, Omen keeps on sticking it to the haters. He’s up to his 6th or 7th chess opponent, and guess who that happens to be!

Samali: You’re kidding. You really want me to play this guy?

Why not?

Samali: I’d hate to see him cry those eyebrows off, is all.

Omen: You talk a big game, Nike. Let’s see what you’re made of.

Fuck.

After dealing him his first loss, she left the lot and ignored all our calls for the next 24 hours.

Far across the isle we find Skydancer in her usual haunt, but instead of skilling she’s casually pulling fireballs out of her pocket. You weren’t about to eat those, were you?

Skydancer: I can’t do this anymore. The quiet, the monotony… Not to mention I smell a hater.

That must mean…

Sam: I’m not here! You can’t see me!

Ah yes, my dear simself.

Sam: I just hate her so muuuuuuch!

For what, saving you from incest?

Sam: I must make her life hell, that… that loser!

Sam: She was lookin’ kinda dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of a… a… how does it go again?

I can’t wait to replace you when you die.

She must have spread some kind of rumour because the next minute, Team Wingman was no more. </3

Fixing this is my top priority when I reopen the save.

Frieda rolled one of those “spend all my money on a thing” wishes, so I indulged her with this foosball table. She has waited so patiently for her greatest wish, after all.

Frieda: Hey, just out of interest, how many times do you think a person has to faint before their heart craps out?

Calamity: Lol mom just be straight with me. I have skills you could borrow.

Frieda: We both know you’re too lazy to use them.

Calamity: Truedat.

This is what I mean about Crash – pumping iron one minute, snapping leads the next. He seems to live by the philosophy “Stop, Drop, and Homework.”

Frieda: What a convenient place to sit.

Not that he doesn’t make time for his best bro.

Fiasco: Dangit. Best nine out of seventeen?

Crash: *shrug*

Crash may have a leg-up in most walks of life, but it’s Fiasco who gets the coveted invite from the pretty girl.

Fiasco: You’re cool with that, right? You know I don’t swing that way.*

Crash: *sadly eats a potato*

Fiasco: Don’t worry, I’ll talk you up.

*Dormant fridge puns wait to be appreciated.

It seems that Crash didn’t trust his brother to make him look good. When their field trip let out later, he set off in hot pursuit.

Unfortunately, he couldn’t bring himself to match Fiasco’s pace, and his stealth was shot to hell.

Fiasco: Oh, hey Crash! Where are you going?

They got on separate buses for whatever reason, which only heightened the competition.

Crash: Drive through that bus.

Driver: Hey, I thought you were the kid who didn’t t—

Crash: DRIVE THROUGH THAT BUS!

Oh dear, Black Haru emerges…

Driver: Did they just drive through us?

Fiasco: Catch that traitor! …Um, that is, if you don’t mind.

Looks like Fifi is more of a Tohru type…

Guys I’m kidding, this is definitely not a show that I watch. *shifty eyes*

Crash had a solid lead. He also had no idea where he was going, since he wasn’t actually invited. And his (my) navigational instinct proved totally wrong, so he sprinted halfway across the island for nothing.

As it turned out, that might’ve been for the best. Fiasco rocked up to find Hayley already fraternizing with Jamaal Something-Collins. Jamaal Something-Collins, of all people!!

Hayley: Hey Fifi, you made it!

Jamaal: You invited another guy?

Hayley: Relax, he’s gay. He’s also a total cinnamon roll.

Fiasco: Listen here, you little punk. My brother is on his way and I would very much like to see him and Hayley ride off into the sunset, okay? If you have visions of getting in the way of that then I’m afraid we are going to have a problem, sir.

Fiasco: Also please know I would never normally speak to you this way, and I understand if you need to beat me up now.

Hayley: I am so sorry, Jamaal…

Jamaal: You kidding? This guy’s a freakin’ badass.

Fiasco: Just punch me if you— wait, really?

From there, he just had to keep the lovebirds apart until Crash figured his life out.

Fiasco: I hope you know it’s nothing personal, it’s just that my brother is way cooler than you. No offense. He’s got this whole mute chic thing going for him.

Jamaal: None taken.

Fiasco: That’s not to say… er, you’d be a catch for anyone else. Like me. I’d catch you if I could.

Jamaal: Dude, what are you saying?

Fiasco: Nothing, just ignore me. Most people do.

Crash: *ahem*

Oh, look who finally found his way!

Hayley: I know you don’t talk, so let me save you the trouble. You’re creepy. I’m not interested. Also, you should take a shower.

Crash: 😥

Fiasco: All I’m saying is you look… delicious. Oh bother, that came out wrong again. I’m the worst. I should die.

Jamaal: Don’t sweat it, man.

Crash cut his losses and went home, but Fiasco wasn’t quite finished yet.

Jamaal: You know what I like? Stars. Stars are the coolest.

Fiasco: I’m sorry, I think I just peed a little.

Hayley: This is not how my night was supposed to go.

I think this guy would say the same…

…if he said things.

Crash: *sigh*

He might also explain to the cop that he was right across the street from his house and therefore not technically breaking curfew.

Instead, he got arrested.

Fifi floated right past the police car almost as if he were a ghost or something.

Fiasco: I’m walkin’ on sunshine, whoa-oh!

And Omen finally got Samali over for rematch, but they had to migrate mid-game since they were both being wimps about the cold.

It wasn’t until the sun rose that they got down to businesss.

Samali: I should really get on home.

Omen: DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE.

Of all the places to recharge your smarts, this has got to be the dumbest. And yet—how awesomely trippy is this screenshot?

Calamity: So trippy, I might just fall and crack my head open.

My point exactly.

Like father, like son. ❤

Omen: Omg delete plz!!!!!!

It isn’t until his horses are in trouble that Gumby’s true fatherly instincts kick in.

Gumby: Shhh, it’s just a little rain, don’t be scared.

Pokey: Look who’s talking. You haven’t been inside the house in two days!

Gumby: THERE ARE DEAD PEOPLE IN THERE OKAY.

Do my eyes deceive me? Is that skill bar almost full? It can’t be…

It is! Congratulations, Sky – you just took an entire generation to max one skill! I have never been prouder!

Sky: Thanks!

And now to work on the second half of her LTW.

Another way of looking at it – Skydancer maxing Charisma took the entire adult lifespan of a freaking unicorn.

Axorn: I FEEL GREAT.

While baby Storm maxed Racing in less than two weeks.

In other words, the horses lead more fulfilling lives than she does.

It is only fitting that the specialest of dark snowflakes would share her birthday with a dark unicorn.

Calamity: Boo. I don’t wanna adult. Adulting sucks.

Calamity: Actually, this isn’t so hard.

Fiasco: Guuurl, that’s ‘cause you ain’t trying.

I dunno, Crash seems to like the outfit.

However, you don’t fix what isn’t broke and all that, so I made her over as close as possible to her teen outfits. Which now look skanky because she went up like twelve bra sizes. Oh well. Her YA trait is Dramatic, just like Omen’s.

Samali: That kid is going places. Not.

Thanks for your expert opinion, Sam.

The boys waited the requisite 24 hours before calling up their RI hopefuls. They did so at the same time, in the same room, three feet away from each other just to make things super confusing.

(I have just been informed that the requisite is not 24 hours but three days. It’s a good thing I’m not a guy and don’t go on dates.)

I think we can surmise who has the smoothest phone conversation skills.

Look at these two, all old and sagely and fresh off of back-to-back races. They never slow down, do they?

Gumby: We did a thing.

Pokey: Yeah we did.

Indeed, after two final races…

…Gumby became a Jockey!

Gumby: But I’ve always been a jockey!

Apparently not! It would have been nice if their crowning glory were the gold, not the bronze, but I’m not that nitpicky who are we kidding, I am definitely that nitpicky. The important thing was that Pokey was the one to cross the finish line with him. #otp

Omen did finally beat Sam, and only then was she in no hurry to leave.

Samali: I don’t actually have anywhere to be. I’m retired.

The next opponent was another simself, but poor Audrey had the misfortune of meeting Crash first.

Audrey: Can I help you?

Crash: …

She promptly left.

I’m sure you’ve been dying to know what calling I chose for the sim who can’t lift a finger without breaking it.

Well, this being the Age of Contradictions, it was only logical to pick the most illogical of the five options we were given. Firefighter Superhero it is!

I don’t see how this can go wrong.

If she sticks to eating free snacks from the fridge, everyone should be able to keep their limbs.

Calamity: I take it all back – I love adulting!

She’s livin’ the dream, she is.

With a second source of income (that’s right, only 40% of our adult population is employed – and that includes one self-employed-verging-on-retired) I decided to splurge and upgrade the resort. JSYK, I have nothing to do with this part of the building. It’s a premade rabbithole that evolves as you put money into it. I wish I could take credit for that pastel clapboard, as it is heavenly.

(I bet you didn’t know I was a pastel clapboard person. You do now.)

I would just like it to be known that if you cater to all your reviewers’ whiny requests, your resort will literally be 50% food. I’m pretty sure I had to expand the deck to fit this all in.

Things I’m Stupidly Proud of Part 2: thwarting the authorities and sneaking Crash out for a rendez-vous with Hayley. >:)

Having five adults in the house sucks, so walking off the lot just wasn’t happening. It’s a good thing we have a teleportation pad.

Hayley: Not gonna lie, that was an impressive entrance.

Crash: *still dizzy from the trip*

Jamaal was busy, so Fiasco had to settle for good old-fashioned snail mail.

Fiasco: I’m doing my homework.

Aw, where’s the fun in that?

Fiasco: There isn’t any. I’m a martyr.

Things I’m Stupidly Proud of Part 3 (final instalment, I promise): Gumby purchased my first-ever Motive Mobile! I’ve already forgotten what was so great about it. All I know is that it doesn’t function as a horse trailer, which is disappointing.

OH FIFI. This is just too adorably pathetic. No one will ever believe you are cool. Please stop trying. ❤

I made them rein in their expectations, so they built a snowman instead.

Fiasco: Squad goals?

Just a few hours later, Hayley and Jamaal backstabbed us while we were at the resort taking heir poll pictures.

The fuck, guys!

THE FUCK, guys??!

Omen: We’re plotting Skydancer’s destruction.

Sam: I like a man who talks about destruction.

I TOLD you fighting Skydancer wasn’t going to end well.

Sam: This never happened.

Omen: Agreed.

How can someone like Skydancer even have enemies? This right here is the closest she has come to committing a crime.

Also probably the coolest thing she has ever done, if we’re being honest.

She’s just generally a shiny ball of goodness.

Skydancer: Yes, I believe there’s been a terrible mistake and I would like to fix it.

I almost pressed “No” because I got excited about her marching abilities, which just goes to show the kind of parent I’d be.

But I didn’t! And look who’s home!

Rhapsody: This isn’t my home. My family is dead to me.

Friedumby’s sweet little flower returns from the military a changed woman…

…well, kind of. She gained two Logic points.

Rhapsody must have enjoyed herself somewhat because she glitched and wouldn’t come home. I’ve never done boarding school before, so I’m not sure if kids are supposed to return before their teen birthday – halp? Anyway, she was about two days overdue for a birthday when I pulled her out, which means EMERGENCY PARTY ON THE DOORMAT RIGHT NOW!

Rhapsody: I am so alone in life!

Here she is, all aged up and made over. I’m low-key in love with her, so back off.

Rhapsody: Great, now I’ll never get a boyfriend.

This edgy look is called “how the fuck do you dress an athlete who hates the outdoors?” which I think turned out nice all things considered.

All that marching and being yelled at must have messed her up because she rolled Socially Awkward in addition to Athletic, Unlucky, and Hates the Outdoors.

And no, none of those traits are remotely musical or artistic, but I made the executive decision that she must play piano simply because…

Rhapsody: Mama… Just killed a man… Put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger, now he’s dead…

We may have created a monster.

Okay, one last Thing that I Am Stupidly Proud of: THESE KIDS.

How great are they? And how can we possibly pick just one? Man, I’d hate to be responsible for that decision. XD

While you hum and haw and tear your hair out in distress, enjoy some rejects from the photo-taking session!

OUTTAKES

Calamity: Haha one sec, I think my hip popped out.

Where have I seen this before?

I always knew these kids were cool.

So it turns out you can transport horses by boat taxi…

…but you probably shouldn’t.

Also, if another frozen body turns up on the shores of the Fool’s Goldmine…

…it’s probably the owner.

Frieda will be pleased.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

Did we really just finish Generation Five?

Have I really written 100 posts on this thing?

Did I really have the freakish bizarro luck to have my 100th post fall at the exact halfway point of the legacy?

And then there’s this…

Which was super cool in itself, but even cooler when I realized we hit 500 less than a year ago??

Forgive me my hyperventilating. I’m pathetic. And I’m going to cobble together an heir poll now, so bear with me! And Happy Simming!

-Sam