6.1 Wake Me Up When September Ends

Want to know what it takes for me to be productive these days? I am finally penning the first words of a post I’ve had prepped for three months, and only because…

a) Boolprop is running a marathon updating event where I get a shiny medal if I publish 3-10 of these bitches in October (spoiler: it won’t be 10)

b) My bedroom no longer gets a wi-fi signal thanks to the mythical router upstairs, which I am beginning to suspect is just a pair of rabbit ears stuck in a potato. This has cut me off from my #1 hobby of watching related YouTube videos until I can’t remember where I started or why I exist.

c) Yesterday’s quidditch tournament has rendered my every muscle completely useless, so I literally couldn’t do anything else even if I wanted to.

Why am I like this? D:

Anyhow, the stars have finally aligned—so here I am, making a start on GENERATION SIX!

We mark this milestone with a big “fuck you” to Isla Paradiso as we ship off to the Valley of Dragons.

DV greets us with an equivalent “fuck you” in the form of rain.

Like any Langurd migration (and this is the fourth, would you believe) this one did not go off without a hitch. Frieda got a tan. We lost the portraits. Axorn’s coat turned a brand new shade of not-quite-black under the new lighting.

Crash *in the general direction of his entire family*: Ugh.

Same.

Oh, and Gumby still can’t look at his wife without ending up on the floor. This could be a real speedbump in their relationship.

Gumby: It’s fine, I’ll wear a blindfold.

You’re scared of the dark.

Gumby: Dangit. Maybe I’ll just stay down here.

Crash: *shakes head*

Those made of tougher stuff test out the various novelties around the place.

Calamity: Bed is no novelty. Bed is life.

And this bed is Glitch City, but I refuse to delete something so beautiful, so we deal.

Fiasco nerds out over the new telescope, naturally.

Fiasco: Gee, what great visibility.

Hey now, I spent real-world money on that thing just for you!!

Fiasco: Oh boy, is that a tree? With LEAVES? How fascinating!

Better.

Meanwhile, Crash is getting good at running.

And at BLATANTLY DISOBEYING MY ORDERS WHAT THE FUCK MAN.

Rhapsody isn’t cool enough to get a directive, so she takes it upon herself to carry on a longstanding family tradition.

Rhapsody: Pinkie Pie is obviously the best.

Ten points to Rhapsody. Maybe I’ll give her more screen time if she hits 100 but probably not.

And Gumby carries on a tradition of his own.

Llama: Ohhhh Clayboy, I hath arrived! ❤

Every. Damn. Time.

Omen tries to invite people over for chess, but the new routing has him a little confused.

Jeff: Pretty sure this isn’t where you live.

Omen: What do you mean?

Tbh it’s not much better in the real thing.

Jeff: Why am I getting drenched indoors? Why can’t your house do house things?

My bad, apparently I don’t know how greenhouses work. #stillnotgonnarenovate

Stupid Jeff still wins despite the blustery conditions. Should’a left him and his stupid family in Isla Paradiso. *grumble*

I probably should have left Frieda there too. Here, she’s just a leftover sim trying to make use of a leftover room.

Orangutan: Looks lonely in there.

Frieda: You too.

Orangutan: Nah, I got friends offscreen.

Frieda: Oh.

(Fyi, she’s not actually tanned. In CAS she’s her usual shade of dead-thing-at-the-bottom-of-a-lake, but in real time she looks like she actually has blood in her veins. Scandalous.)

Okay, so dragons in legacies are kind of cheaty, but I SPENT REAL MONEY ON THIS WORLD DAMMIT, so fuck the system, of course Cal is having a dragon.

Cal: Ohai there. Let’s talk about fire and stuff.

Obviously I did not research dragon hatching or anything beforehand so I just picked the option that seemed the most Calamity.

Oh hey, speaking of leftover sims…

Sky: What’s with the deer head?

Ah, yes – I like to think it’s a reminder of Rhapsody’s childhood trauma. I don’t know what happens in military schools, but I imagine the kids have to go out and shoot a helpless animal as some rite of passage or something, and then hang up the head as a trophy.

Sky: That’s just cruel.

Rhapsody: Wait ‘til you hear what the second task was.

Sky: No thanks.

We won’t start the next generation by holing up in our mansion, pretty as it is, so I send Cal out in the rain. She doesn’t seem too pleased?

Calamity: Aw man!

What?

Calamity: I think I left my shawarma leftovers in Isla Paradiso!

I feel for you. No sarcasm, I really do.

This is how people socialize in Dragon Valley.

And apparently, the only people around here who aren’t scared of a few raindrops are tourists. Not that I have anything against them, but DID I MENTION I SPENT REAL MONEY ON THIS WORLD? Show me the fabulous rainbow townies!!

Quinn Flanagan: You called?

*checks bio* Town fool… gossip columnist…

That permanently sunburned skin, that snot-coloured hair—hell, I’m sold!

He’s here for a chess match with Omen, but Calamity swoops in fast. It’s set to be a romantic meeting for the songbooks, but routing fails them.

Quinn: If love is an open door, why can’t I get through yours?

He makes me want to simultaneously chuckle and vomit. I like him.

INTERLUDE: Look what hatched! Apparently the fire talk was supposed to hatch a red dragon, but why would my game ever do anything right?

Probably because I refuse to take any part of this seriously.

But really, just look what it throws at me.

Quinn: I’m not like other guys, baby… *breaks into Thriller dance*

Jk, it’s chess or bust.

Omen: Ain’t got time for your shenanigans, Flanagan.

Quinn: Niiiiiice. A man after my own dead heart.

Watch out, Cal – your brother might steal this one right out from under you.

“Something evil lurking in the dark” indeed!! Jeffery, explain yourself!!!

Jeff: Uh, um…

Jeff: We were just talking about… pinecones. Right?

Skydancer: *giggle* Of course!

You two disgust me. LeffJeff will not be defiled on my watch!

Nor Omen’s, apparently.

Omen: Hey. Break it up.

Jeff: How was the chess match?

Omen: We won’t talk about that.

Besides its annoyingly elite chess players and nonstop rain, Dragon Valley is great in basically every way. That’s some Khaleesi shit right there.

Calamity: Dracarys!

Blubsy: *loud fart*

Calamity: Good boy!

What a team.

Of course someone had to test out the acoustics of that shower speaker.

Calamity: I’m too hot, hot damn! Call the police and the fireman / I’m too hot, hot damn! Make a dragon wanna—

Where’s Blubsy?

Calamity: He retired.

Well then.

Whoa whoa whoa, just where do you think you’re going?

Quinn: Skeedaddling before the cult kid can start a rematch! Toodles!

Darn you, Quinn Flanagan!

(I think I love him.)

Morning dawns, and the two youngest are really enjoying their lack of responsibility.

Rhapsody: Isn’t it great not being heir?

Crash: *licking wounds*

Poor guy was SO close too.

Did I say lack of responsibility? Whoops.

Rhapsody: Waaaaaaaiiiiiiiiit

Biggest drawback of having a huge house? It takes ghosts 3+ hours to get from one end of the lot to the other.

#STILLNOTRENOVATING

Skydancer: So you want to get sent back to military school, huh?

Rhapsody: I literally started floating at 8am sharp. What else can I DO?

Skydancer: Just get better at life, okay? Gosh.

Rhapsody may have dodged a bullet anyway – apparently the school here doesn’t feed the children.

Omg Skydancer. You can’t go around telling people to get good at life and then cook waffles with a red plumbob. You just can’t.

Fuck. I give up.

Sky saunters off to bed without a care in the world.

Gumby: Really, guys? Is this an ISBI?

I wonder sometimes.

Gumby FTW. Only time I will ever say that.

(Ironically, Gumby might be the most functional of them all if this were an ISBI?)

Did I say Sky went to bed? My mistake, I meant… WTF I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT I MEAN WITH THESE FOOLS ANYMORE

She’s camped out in the mausoleum chamber I already have prepared for Calamity, which is only a little creepy. (Yes, we are working on our lighting issues.)

Before Calamity can occupy that chamber, she’s sure as hell going to pull off this firefighter LTW. And it’s gonna be a shitshow. Day One, here we go!

Cal: Hi, I’m Calamity!

Emily: I’m going to play foosball. Don’t follow me.

Cal: Where is the love?

Socializing is for slackers anyway. Real firefighters stay focused on the job. Real firefighters… hack blindly at the engine while staring at a fleck of dirt on the floor?

Calamity: I love my job!

Not kidding, everyone else around here seems to think their job description is “play all the games all the time.” This is her boss.

Boss Man: I love my job!

It’s a good thing it rains so much here, otherwise the town would be in deep shit. And by shit I mean fire. The town would be on fire.

You thought I forgot about the horses? Think again! I was perfectly aware of them all through the house design process, and I still failed to include a single hitching post, water trough, hay bale, or salt lick. Now I’m just seeing how long they’ll last.

Pokey: Screw you nerds, every man for himself.

Axorn: OH SHIT YOU’RE A UNICORN

Storm: Wtf, Dad?

Well spotted, buddy.

But let’s get back to the important stuff, like Crash going to school shirtless and accidentally picking up his cousin.

Molly & Crash: *tense moment*

Don’t do it, Molly! Don’t go there!

…She went there.

Not all simcest can be halted at the (overly aggressive) click of a button, though. Lance’s line and Tomahawk’s keep trying to merge behind my back, and I’ve given up on trying to pry them apart.

Rhapsody: *floats up quietly* Hey bro, what’cha readin’?

Crash: …

Crash: *massively delayed reaction*

Rhapsody: You know what could help you with those reflexes? Military school.

Frieda: If you disturb my slumber one more time, that’s exactly where you’ll be going.

Rhapsody: Well shit.

It took at least 32 phone calls, but we finally got Quinn back for another try at that romantic meeting. And at that chess match, dammit.

Calamity: I like a man in uniform.

Quinn: So do I.

Calamity: Wait what.

Quinn: Just kidding. Your brother and I are totally platonic.

Calamity: Wait what.

Fiasco interrupts this precious moment by wiping the board clean for Most Ill-Chosen Birthday Spot. I really have to hand it to him – Balboa’s was tough to beat.

Fiasco: This is where I live now!

About to become an even sadder version of himself, I see.

Fiasco turns YA and the entire household immediately starts bawling. (Except for Sky, the heartless cyborg.)

But wait, WHY IS THERE A RED HORSE IN YOUR SPEECH BUBBLES???

WHY IS CRASH BEING ALL TRAGIC AND STUFF?

Crash: *sniff*

AND WHY IS AXORN BROKEN????

Axorn: YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE, MY ONLY SUNSHINE! </3

POKEY NO.

Literally one of the saddest in-game moments I’ve experienced. The reaper song didn’t play and I didn’t get a screen pull. Just a bunch of crying sims and a lonely tombstone that I spent five hours searching for.

I’ll let this guy illustrate my feelings in the first instalment of “Tragic Crash,” a new photo series that will feature in several chapters to come.

Isn’t it beautiful?

But wait! It’s about to get even sadder up in here. For his final trait, Fiasco rolled—wait for it—Party Animal.

Since we clearly can’t take that in the conventional sense of the word, there’s only one way his life can go from here.

I handily changed his LTW from Vocal Legend to Bottomless Nectar Cellar, which is already more than halfway done thanks to Katana’s travels.

Fiasco: Pokey is dead! Everything sucks!

Fiasco: Oh hey, I suddenly feel so much better about things!

Thus begins the downward spiral that was always waiting to happen.

_____________________________________________________________________________

And on that note, I think I’ll call it a day!

I must say a big thank you to the mod team at Boolprop.net for lighting a much needed fire under my butt. For anyone interested, SimNaWriMo (Sims National Writing Month) is running through October and promises to be a hell of a party. There are three different forum medals up for grabs—a bronze medal for three updates in a month, a silver medal for seven updates, and a gold medal for ten. This is probably the biggest dilemma ever for someone who is both tirelessly competitive and incurably lazy. Which is why I’ve decided to keep my updates a little on the shorter side this generation, just because I’m a big fat cheater so I can have some hope of getting one of these medals. If I end up with bronze I promise to be Tom Daly and not the Chinese men’s gymnastics team.

Thanks as always for putting up with my incompetence, and an extra thank you to those who nominated me for the Sunshine Award three decades ago!! I have a post ready to go for that, but I figured I didn’t deserve to post it until I put out a real update. Yes, I am occasionally capable of self-discipline.

Until next time, which shouldn’t be too far away,

Happy Simming!

-Sam