6.11 Don’t Blame It on the Moonlight

In my haze of exhaustion last night, I completely failed to acknowledge a feat I have not accomplished since Chapter 1.3: two legit updates in one day! Universally recognized as the first sign of the apocalypse, so start hoarding those cans. Given that in Tewl’s day my average post length was a weak 40-45 screenshots, I think I get to claim victory over myself here.

To celebrate that victory, and because everyone begs for this shit on Leisure Day, the Langurds are opening up their glorious yard for entertaining!

Like any good party, this one begins with a fumbled pizza delivery.

Pizza Girl: Tada! Did some ants order a pizza?

Note that most of the guests have no trouble with the front door.

Not-Pregnant Sophie: Oh man, I thought this was a swimwear party. That’s awkward.

Kip: Oh, don’t worry. It is.

Sophie: Damn, girl, you put us all to shame.

The guest list is a standard mix of cousins, in-laws, ex-lovers, and any townie offspring around the kids’ ages. Kip’s about to get hit on by this highly anemic child, but Dr. Jeff does him a solid and knocks him out of the running before he can embarrass himself.

Jeff: Always happy to help.

The studly superhero has acquired three new granddaughters since I last checked. Eldest child Deana had Doris, while Dom and Livy popped out Kimberley and Jacquelyn.

Any fans out there to appreciate the coincidence? I think the kids’ hair colours even match up. XD

I’ve slowly established that sleazy Sir Breandan is a friend of Quinn’s, hence the fact that he keeps getting invited to stuff. We may find a use for him yet.

Breandan: I say, I knew not that Lady Strumpet had a sister!

Rhapsody: I’m gonna pretend those weren’t your first words to me.

Aiden: Oooh, playing the sister. Dangerous game, my friend.

Yeah, so I definitely miscaptioned this in 6.9, but AIDEN is actually married to FIONA whose sister MORRIGAN is with Aiden’s brother BRIEN. However, it’s still shitshow and with this guy’s track record, I can’t be sure that any of them are keeping it straight either.

Trance doesn’t join in the festivities right off the bat. Instead, he enjoys some peace and quiet as he surveys his kingdom.

Trance: I’m waiting for the perfect time to make my entrance.

Trance: Dinner is served, plebs.

I only wish I were as cool as him.

Not everyone shares my opinion. Least of all Delilah, the teenaged daughter of Aaron Finnigan and Siobahn Murphy (my second DV girl crush after Chloe O’Reilly).

Delilah: Ugh, what a weird little kid.

Trance: Excuse me?

Trance: I don’t think you know who you’re talking to. Shall I enlighten you?

Delilah: Uh, no thanks.

Trance: Ready to eat your words yet?

Jeff: Kid’s nailing it.

I have to agree.

Cal with the bartending thing? Not so much. Though I may have volunteered her knowing she’d be the worst at it.

Cal: I don’t think I actually have reflexes! I should see a doctor about that!

I’m not sending you to Jeff.

Cal: Dammit.

Forever doing her own thing, Hipster Kip is the first one in the pool.

Kip: Whew, I am really heading fast for those bricks!

What can I say? Safety does not play a big part in my landscaping.

But Kipster’s just fine. It’s the sheeple who blindly followed her into the water we need to worry about.

Breandan: Pray help me, I cannot swim!

Sophie: What a great place to have that epiphany.

Breandan: Farewell, world!

An invisible force surges up from beneath him…

Rhapsody: Haha, saved your life.

Breandan: I believe I liketh not these “pool party” things.

Ghosts aren’t supposed to be invisible during breath-holding matches, but Rhapsody does what she wants.

They waited until NOW to heartfart? Get out of here, you cheeseballs.

Speaking of which, looks like these two have built their bridges. Probably out of toothpicks and mini marshmallows, but at least they’re bridges.

Cal: Your butt is impressively non-existent.

Quinn: You cheated on me.

Cal: Your butt is perfect. Channing Tatum who?

Delilah: D’aww, I want that kind of love!

Careful, Delilah, or you’ll be putting ideas in the heads of little balleurs. 😉

Trance: Baby, you can stand under my umbr—

Omen: BOO! Come on, nephew, you can do better!

Fiasco: Yeah, Trance sucks at flirting!

They both show up just to do this and then leave immediately. World’s Best Uncles or what?

“Bad at flirting” is something I can imagine from our stilted military kid, so I’m not surprised when this pops up from her and Breandan.

But when I check on them, nothing actually seems to be amiss. Except maybe Breandan’s concept of gender roles.

Rhapsody: Hey, it seems like we have a lot in common. Maybe we could hang out properly sometime?

Breandan: Gads, you backwards wench! There is nothing proper about a maiden asking a knight for his hand!

But really, is anything more awkward than that background scene of Cal boozing it up while her three-timing baby daddy chickens out on the waterslide?

Poor Delilah probably regrets everything about coming to this party.

Trance: Where are you going? You haven’t seen my arabesque yet!

Delilah: I cannot shake this kid off!

But in the end, Trance’s persistence is his downfall as his neglected bladder comes back to bite him in the butt (weird mental image, eh?).

Delilah: Wow, are you five?

Paparazzi: Oh you poor dumb thing.

Trance: This… this is not urine! This is… liquid elegance!

Delilah: Yeah okay, I’ll leave you to play with your Legos now.

Trance: And there goes my street cred…

I actually played through the pool party three times because of that Camera Mode + Water = KABOOM problem I was having at the time. So what you’ve been reading is a mash-up of three parallel universes, and this shot right here is one of the game-exploding culprits.

Kip: Worth it.

Not really. And sorry Trance, but the third parallel universe is the one where you peed yourself.

It’s also the one where Quilamity have rekindled their flame, and despite both of their slimy transgressions, I can’t help rooting for them because back hugs mean forever.

Quinn: Nah, I’m just teaching her how to do the robot.

Though even as their writer, I feel I will never fully understand their relationship.

As the sun rises the next morning, Kip wakes up to a bout of inspiration.

Kip: OMG MASON JARS. My DIY senses are tingling.

I was kidding about the hipster thing before, but if the Doc Marten fits… Maybe she’d get along with our model friend Ceviche.

Bowl of Ceviche from Last Night’s Party: You called?

This would be spooky af except that I took this screenshot BEFORE creating sim-Ceviche. In other words, it was probably my inspiration for his character. XD

Who the fuck is this? Well, at some point we must have needed a babysitter, and naturally she keeps showing up because no one has time to cancel her. Or tell her that her outfit is godawful.

Claudia (because why would I remember her name?): One day a man will take your heart in his hand like this and then THROW IT IN THE DIRT because you “USE TOO MANY EMOJIS” and you “DRESS WEIRD.”

Siesta: *gasp*

Strangely, she turns out to be the only living being Siesta doesn’t get along with.

Siesta: Please just give me my juice!

Claudia: Sorry, I don’t feed little liars.

Siesta: But I really can walk through walls!

Kip could do the job, but reading a cookbook in the windowless room where no Langurd ever goes—that kinda screams “do not disturb.”

Kip: How insightful of you.

Thanks, I am quite the detective.

And congrats to this guy for finally realizing—after a disturbingly long time—that LOUD NOISES mean GET OFF THE TRAMPOLINE AND DO YOUR JOB.

Ginger: I got there, didn’t I?

Cal’s squad is generally pretty slow on the uptake.

Sofia: Somebody stole the fire engine!

Ginger: That’s a shame. Well, not much we can do.

Emily: In that case… *stealthily climbs back up the pole*

Here’s the culprit, miles down the road, not even dressed for the job, and ever calm in the face of an emergency.

Cal: Don’t worry, I brought my protective gear.

GET YOUR ELEMENTS STRAIGHT.

Cal: Tell that to the people who left their stove on, eh?

…Damn you, I’m not even mad.

The gas leak has caused several nearby people to construct protective teepees and adopt an emergency brace position.

Cal: All fixed, you can come out now!

Cal: Oh no, your poor plants are suffocating under all this wood!

She is truly the hero they deserve.

Little does she know, things are currently just as dire at home.

Siesta: Trancey? Daddy? Are you guys okay?

If I didn’t know better, I’d suspect a carbon monoxide leak.

Cal: I feel another kind of leak coming on if you know what I mean.

Hold it in, girl. You’ve got another bunch of lives to save.

Specifically this guy’s.

And OH hey Skydancer, how’s it going?

But it’s only right to rescue the youngest victim first, and that so happens to be Delilah’s younger sister Paige. None of these people are related or actually live here, fyi.

Cal: Don’t be scared, I got you! *blindly feeling through the wall*

The first and only time her ghostliness will be an advantage in this job.

Cal: Phew! Hey kid, you need to get out of there!

Paige: SCARY LADY! SCARY LADY IN THE WINDOW!

Cal: It’s okay, you can trust— whoop, there it goes.

Paige: What are you, five?

The flashbacks are real.

Speaking of which…

Cal: Haven’t I seen this kid before?

Yes, young Dusty can’t seem to avoid getting into trouble. He’s like a professional damsel in distress.

Dusty: Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope!

In the time it takes her to save two people, the other victims get tired of lying under rubble, so they get up and carry on with their lives.

Chef Man: Well that’s a wrap, time for dinner.

And she immediately gets called off to another emergency. This time, there’s been an earthquake.

Cal: Miss, you should take shelter. It’s not safe out here.

Dreads: I’m trying! I need a running start for all these stairs!

And of course Dusty is here too.

Dusty: My sister is trapped in the basement and I’m too chicken shit to save her!

Cal: This family has no sense of loyalty.

You know they’re the neighbourhood criminals, right?

Cal: WHAT.

Sister: Ew, who are you?

Cal: Welcome back, just a neighbourhood hero and her dragon sidekick doing their civic duty.

Blubsy: Caw!

Sister: You’re not the knight in shining armour I had in mind.

Cal: Fine, you can go back to being unconscious.

Sister: *FLOOMP*

Cal: Come on, Blubsy. Let’s go.

Blubsy: CACAW!

After all that nonsense, the only rescue that actually counts toward her tally is Dusty’s in the second mission. 1/30, good stuff! I am so not ready to battle more LTW bugs just yet.

At least Cal can finally go home and pick up the stupid babysitter’s slack.

Siesta: Oh what a delicious bowl of slop!

Cal: Why thank you, I poured it myself.

The business duo could have helped, but… Okay I got nothing this time, what are you guys doing that’s so important?

Rhapsody: Keeping the joints young.

Kip: Updating my blog.

That’s not what updating a blog looks li— HEY WAIT A MINUTE.

Kip: I learned from the best.

😡

Casual chats with a dragon on your shoulder are the best way to unwind after a long day.

Cal: Did you know those blue people were the villains of this place?

Quinn: The Mithrilens? Well duh, it’s my job to know that stuff.

Cal: Your job. Right.

Quinn: They’re in this whole dumb feud with those ginger tools the O’Connells.

Cal: The… O’Connells?

Quinn: Actually, come to think of it, Siesta’s probably on the Mithrilens’ hit list.

Cal: You don’t say.

Maybe not such a “casual chat” after all.

Cal: Don’t worry, baby. Momma will make sure that Dusty kid dies in the next fire.

Siesta: Hehe, fire!

Siesta’s first child wish is to attend a party. Too bad she just missed probably the only one we’ll throw in her lifetime.

Siesta: The party goes wherever I go!

If only to set her further apart from any Langurd we’ve known…

…she’s a Bot Fan now.

Siesta: I told you I wanted to be a computer!

And she sure goes from fiesta to siesta in nothing flat.

Siesta: It’s tiring being the life of this place.

Calamity can sympathize, though she’s the odd one out in a different way.

Emily: What good is working out if you’re dead?

Cal: Why would you say such a mean thing?

Emily: Because I don’t like you.

Cal: Oh yeah.

Look who works here now! There must be something about redheaded simselves (of which I apparently have a lot) and the firefighter career. I wonder if Echo will be the key ingredient to this team’s success?

Ginger: Dragon Valley to headquarters. We need backup stat! We got maps to read—lots of maps!

Taking that as a solid “no.”

Cal’s on her own as per usual, but she’s got this thing down.

Cal: LOUD NOISES mean GO.

Firefighting is as simple as that. Take a hint, coworkers.

This emergency is a convenient five minute walk two-hour float from the station. Cal doesn’t even bother taking the fire engine.

Cal: Oh shit.

What?

Cal: I left the hoses and gear in the truck.

Just a SMALL OVERSIGHT.

No joke, she actually can’t extinguish the fire. I’m pretty sure it’s a glitch thing and not a result of forgetting the truck, but holy crackers, what a terrible situation?

Cal: Lol, goodbye house.

Genuinely the only option right now.

Fml.

Eerily, Skydancer is lurking around this burning house as well. I know for a fact she has the hidden pyromaniac trait… Damn, I was joking when I started writing this, but now I’m genuinely concerned.

I guess we’re due for some karma after flat-out leaving a house to burn. Quinn’s been bed surfing since the divorce, so it’s in the glass napping chamber that he breathes his last breath.

Quinn: Ah, what fond memories I’ll take with me.

Grim: Those aren’t your memories.

Quinn: Whoopsy daisies. Well, in that case, I’ve got shit all to be proud of. Shall we go?

To be fair, he did get a single promotion four days ago on his 90th birthday…

…if only for playing the fool until the very end…

…as well as a prestigious award for publicly roasting Siesta’s grandmother.

So really, he’s not the least accomplished Langurd of all time. (Remember Weston?)

Conspiracy theory, though: what if Sky started the fire to distract Calamity while an unknown accomplice murdered Quinn in his sleep?

Cal: I bet it was those filthy Mithrilens!

We’ll get to the bottom of this next time.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Oh god I’m losing it. Everything is Langurd. The governing body of American quidditch just hired a guy named Donte and I’m trying to tell myself it’s not funny. I managed to type the words “roll a party” somewhere in here. I had a glass of soda water that tasted like fridge and I physically felt the –10 moodlet. Send help.

Just kidding, it’s not so bad. I am slightly terrified of the task that awaits me tomorrow though. Wish me luck, and Happy Simming!

-Sam