7.3 Switching Protocols

I’m doing my darnedest to keep this momentum going, so let’s get straight into the next act of the shitshow!

Here we see a typical morning at the Langurd Lodge for Futuristic Wayfarers. After arriving with a crash of thunder that ruins my screenshots and wakes the baby, a guest makes himself at home in the nursery.

Colby: Ah, what a quaint little transport vessel! I believe this is what they called a bort.

It’s precisely at this point that I rage-delete the time portal and leave Colby forever stranded. I hope he learns how to sail that bort the fuck outta here.

I mentioned a few chapters ago that I started cheating (in moderation) to get Cal some real emergencies. And you know what that means. We get to see her back in Badass Firefighter mode!

Cal: Initiating Badass Firefighter Mode. Please hold.

Cal: Mode initiated. I am the Fire King.

For some reason, elder Calamity doesn’t get the sweet threads, so her uniform is whatever her Insane trait happens to spin for her. It’s kind of fitting and anyway, I’ve given up caring.

While Calamity is saving the day, the town’s other emergency responders are passing up some real easy work.

Cal: Ghostbusters be slacking.

Which is probably for the best since they hunt, you know, GHOSTS.

Cal: True that.

Hellooooooo, large house fire! Please oh please don’t be glitched.

So far, so good. Her grip on that hose is so gingerly it terrifies me.

Cal: Lol what is grip? I’m incorporeal.

Riiiight. But then shouldn’t you just walk through those walls? Spare a few hinges?

Cal: Nah, this is the best part.

Cal: Hey! You don’t have to break your neck! The exit’s right here!

Michelle Lynn: Oh thank goodness!

Cal: ‘Sup little bro.

Crash: !!!!!!!

Cal: Yeah, I got old. Thanks for noticing!

This may be the first rescue she’s gotten through without peeing herself, but she still uses their bathtub for good measure, and still gets scolded despite having saved their lives (which actually count for her tally—hooray!).

Oh, so you want to start recognizing her efforts now? You can take your trophy and shove it up your–

Cal: Actually I kinda want it.

…Okay, fine.

Despite the awkwardness of her last visit, Kip manages to summon Jada for another kick at the Love Can^TM.

Jada: So how’d you turn into a ghost?

Kip: Oooh, funny story. I actually got struck by lightning just a few feet from where you’re standing now.

Jada: ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Kip: Nah, I was totally born this way.

For all her talents,  Kip is truly abysmal at the art of seduction. I knew we’d find her weakness.

Kip: Hey, look how bad your hair is in this speech bubble!

Jada: Is that your idea of a pickup line?

Jada: Please teach this woman how to flirt.

Sorry, we cut that from the curriculum when Tewl died.

She tries moving into the home theatre for a cozier atmosphere.

Kip: Come on, let’s watch Queer Eye.

Jada: Nice try, there are five other empty couches in this room.

Kip: I have teenage siblings. The rest of them are definitely booby-trapped.

Jada: Dammit.

Jada: Just don’t try that cheesy arm move, alright?

Kip: *slowly pulls away*

And then the truth comes out.

Jada: On the bright side, maybe your uncle will finally notice me if I’m around all the time!

Kip: Sweetie, I hate to tell you this, but he ran away with the family robot.

Jada: You’re lying.

Kip: Trust me, I wish I were. Like REALLY REALLY wish.

So far, Jada’s Insane trait has been pretty quiet. But sometimes she just needs to go into an empty room and let out her crazy.

Jada: WHY WON’T SENPAI NOTICE ME?

Well for starters, you don’t have a reflective exterior…

I just realized this chapter is exactly half Kip and half Calamity, so here’s your first and last glimpse of— Did you just break that?

Siesta: No…

Aren’t you supposed to be good with machines?

Siesta: Yes…

How are you going to build robots if you can’t keep the appliances alive?

Siesta: I DON’T KNOW I’M A SHAM

And a bonus glimpse of— aww man, did I really put Rhapsody in this chapter and NOT Trance?

Residual Time Traveler: Wow, retro music SUCKS.

Rhapsody: I know, right?

Kip gets Jada to spend the night, which inevitably means that her morning habits are out on the table. And I mean all over the table.

Jada: Tell me you’re not spewing cornflakes out your nose.

Kip: Possibly my ears too.

Jada: Oh god.

Jada: Well hey, don’t feel too bad about yourself. I mean Breandan is tough competition. He takes out bad guys with his bare hands.

Kip: That’s not all he does with those hands.

Jada: What did you say?

Kip: Nothing.

Kip: I could get buff if you’re into that.

Jada: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

This is apparently what Calamity does in between emergencies. Must be a nice cool down?

Cal: Shhh, you’re disturbing the nature.

But it might be nicer to, you know, USE THE FACILITIES I BUILT FOR YOU OUT OF LOVE.

Cal: Meh, this is alright.

There’s only so much time for cooling down before she gets another call. This time, some lowlifes left their child and FOUR DOGS alone in a burning house.

Doge 1: We’re gonna die, man.

Doge 2: Don’t say that man, you’ll freak everyone out!

Doge 2: OMG WE ARE GOING TO DIE!

Doge 3: I bet if they’d called me Lucky I wouldn’t be in this mess!

Doge 4: Shut up Charcoal!

Cal: Fear not, floofs, your saviour is here!

Jeez Cal, wanna get your bare flesh any closer to those flames?

Cal: Sure, I got this.

Pretty sure this made me stop and Google “can my sim actually die on a firefighter job.”

Thankfully, not today. With the dogs safely evacuated, Cal moves on to the child. Priorities.

Cal: Stand back little Johnny, I’m gonna blow your house down.

Boy: P-p-please! I’m a good kid! I eat all my vegetables and I’ve never copied homework! Well okay, maybe once, but Peter made me do it!

Cal: Who do you think I am, Santa Claus?

Johnny: AHH, SCARY MONSTER!

Cal: Haha, I see. This is fun.

Cal: Say goodbye to your Mommy and Daddy, little Johnny. You’re coming with me.

Johnny: NO! PUT ME DOWN!

Johnny: MOOOOM! DAAAAAD! HEEEEEEEEEEELP!

Jacquelyn: SHE’S TAKING JOHNNY!

Kimberley: I knew I shouldn’t have agreed to babysit tonight!

But the faux-kidnapping is short-lived.

Cal: Listen, play with lighters again and I’ll send my ogre friends to eat you. Got it?

Johnny: *nodding in terror*

Oh, my bad. I guess there was another one upstairs.

Tam: It was me! I did it! I played with lighters!

Cal: You got thirty seconds to hide the joint, bud.

Tam: THANK YOU MISS!

Alright, another disaster averted!

Cal: Take that, door!

Is there a kid in there too??

Cal: Nope!

So uh, earlier when I said “some lowlifes” left their dogs to die, apparently I meant Livy’s simself and her entire half-Langurd family. To be fair, they didn’t show up until the fire was out, so I couldn’t have known. The kid’s name probably isn’t Johnny, but I couldn’t find him on the family tree.

Dominique: Aww man, this fire wasn’t scheduled… Mom’s gonna kill me.

That’s right! For you conspiracy readers—working from home means no more coddling interference from Lev and her minions. I suspect those fake fires were the real reason Cal’s rescues weren’t being counted, which means I only have one thing to say…

Oh, the things you miss when you don’t care your sim is the town hero. Riza, now a toddler, might just be the big bad ogre that Calamity was mistaken for.

Riza: Why. Won’t. This. Come. OFF.

Riza: *chuckles knowingly* I’ll get you yet, Mr. Green.

I’m a little disappointed? I mean, my expectations were like apple-bottom-jeans low, but I thought we might see some of Breandan’s colouring. It’s a good thing she’s not important. 😀

Speaking of Riza’s inexplicably popular father, Jada’s still pining for the love story that never happened.

Kip: Wow, that’s a weird place to mull over your feelings.

Jada: Leave me alone.

Kip: Okay, but let’s get out of pool before you get struck by lightning, too.

Jada: This is safer, right?

Kip: Man I dunno about those metal chains…

Kip: In fact you’re probably safer not touching anything at all.

Jada: Anything?

Kip: Well, maybe not anything…

Well, damn. Now we have to find this smooth son of a bitch a new weakness.

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I was 100% not expecting to even START another post today, but I guess when the only alternative is organizing a metre-high floordrobe, one can accomplish great things.

However, I don’t like when the WordPress feed lumps my updates together, so I’m probably going to schedule this for a 1am release or something. Such power I have never tasted. :O

More to come soon! Happy Simming!

-Sam

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