7.5 Temporary Redirect

BREAKING NEWS: Gryffindork utterly tanks SimNoWriMo for a third year running, much to the surprise of no one

To be fair, I did NOT see October coming. The other day my poor coworker had to convince me that it’s not “almost fall” anymore, it actually is fall. Who knew?

THIS JUST IN: Actually publishing post in mid-December, has nothing to say for self

So anyway, here’s what was going to be Update #2, and is now just a plain old chapter in the middle of all the other ones. With a two month gap to boot.

*drumroll*

Hello, and welcome to the part of this generation where I get far too invested in my spares and lose sight of the legacy’s ultimate goal!

Why? Because if Story Progression had its way, it would only have them become sad, celibate mimes.

It’s only fair that Kip and Trance get their day in the sun, so I took them and their other halves to the sunniest place I could think of!

 

Let’s appreciate how the newcomers are like “WOW A VACATION WE ARE SO BLESSED” while my actual legacy kids couldn’t give a shit.

Kip: I would feel more blessed if you hadn’t done this 3000 times before.

And how would YOU know that?

Trance: I’ve seen our basement. Is there anything left in the tombs?

This wasn’t originally going to be a couples trip, but Siesta was in Bot Mode when Kip made the call, and well… I guess they don’t let you through airport security when you’re wearing boxes.

I could have X-ed out and solved this very easily, but you know me.

So a couples trip it shall be, and we kick this one off with a few moments of total autonomy.

Disciplined Delilah: I’ll guard the camp from bears.

Diva Trance: I’ll attract them with my honey-sweet vocals.

These two are a promising bundle of subtly clashing traits.

While Kip and Jada’s goal for this trip is to develop some tangible chemistry.

Jada: I hate to be all “millennials suck,” but are you going to look at me anytime soon?

Kip: Just making sure my Snapchat is working.

Trance: Lots of places to skinny dip around here, Jada.

Kip: *drops phone immediately*

Yes, Trance is still being a sleaze about his sister’s girlfriend. You can practically see the quotation marks and the winky face.

That’s better, you two. Except for WHO INVITED MOTHERFUCKING SIRI?!

Siri: Where are the singles ads?

Unsuspecting Tourist: Hey, I’m single!

Siri: Well hello there, allow me to blow your mind.

Siri: Don’t worry, human-robot relations are totally acceptable these days.

Unsuspecting Tourist: I dunno, can you just use your robot radar to find me a real woman?

Siri: Son, I’m way more woman than any dust-covered wench you’ll find in this tent city.

Also yes, this is Kip and Jada officially becoming a couple, even though I’ve been referring to them as such for the past two chapters.

Really, guys? This is your romantic getaway?

Delilah: He keeps making jokes about playing with balls, so I’m taking him literally until he stops.

See, this is why I like you.

Why you like him, I still cannot comprehend. And what’s with the athletic wear all of a sudden?

Trance: Things are about to get physical, if you know what I mean. 😉

Delilah: That’s right, we’re going for a jog.

Trance: If you know what I mean. 😉

Delilah: No, we’re really going for a jog.

Kip and Jada have similar ideas, but there’s a little hitch in that plan.

Jada: Hey kid, go tell the pretty ghost to hurry her bitch ass up.

Kip: I like hills.

Yeah, sure, feel free to take in the sights.

Kip: I like nine hours of hills.

FFFFFFFFFF—

Child: Hey Miss, some lady is waiting for you.

Kip: Well why didn’t you say so?

Child: I did. I’ve lapped you four times and I want to go home.

She’s not the only one. Jada’s been standing outside this pyramid for at least seven years.

Jada: Do I live here now?

Hurry Kip, come find your girl before she does something stu—

—pid.

Jada: FOREIGN POOL TILES

Please not this again.

Jada: I MUST STUDY THEM

Jada: I have a familiar sinking feeling…

No shit you absolute twat.

Way over at the marketplace, I have a little more faith in Never Nude Delilah.

Delilah: Look at me, I’m so daring.

Sure, sweetie.

And Trance is getting a taste for the local culture.

Trance: If culture tastes like centuries old saliva…

Hey now, ‘tis but a small price to be the SNEK MASTER.

Trance: Hey, I’m basically a Malfoy. Why don’t I just charm it with Parseltongue?

Trance: (something deeply offensive)

Snek: I BEG UR PARDON

I suspect the “charming” continues to backfire, because the next second…

Nephty: How can I help you, scantily-clad Westerner?

Delilah: Yes, I’d like to sample your finest—

Delilah: ADFSDFLJGDFSKHJGLSH

Nephty: DuoLingo failed you hard, huh?

And now we see the ultimate showdown: a Disciplined Never Nude vs. the cobra in her bathing suit.

Delilah: Um, pardon me…

Nephty: Yes.

Delilah: Just give me a second to collect myself…

Nephty: Take your time.

Delilah: HAVE A NICE DAY!

Nephty: Tourists…

Even outside, the facade barely breaks.

Delilah: Honey we may have a situation…

Trance: *sweating profusely as he tries to undo his errors with the spit-flute*

But once she finds the culprit, all decorum is thrown to the wind.

Delilah: It was you, wasn’t it?

Trance: It most likely probably wasn’t not.

Delilah: TRANCE.

Trance: Okay okay, let me fix it.

Trance: Bad snake! Get out of there right now!

Delilah: Are you trying to speak Parseltongue?

Trance: GET OUT OF MY FIANCEE, YOU BEAST!

Delilah: What is WRONG with you?

Trance: Oh dear, it must have migrated to your brain.

Delilah: What?

Trance: Yeah, I don’t think I can date a snake woman.

Delilah: Is this happening right now?

Let me just state for the record that I did not interfere after initiating the snake prank. No, this escalation from “hey wouldn’t it be funny” to “LET’S NOT GET MARRIED ANYMORE” is all courtesy of one Trance Langurd.

To top it all off, this little diva piece of shit then looks at the ground and chuckles.

Delilah: I hope you’re happy, you deranged son of a bitch.

Trance: I’m flawless.

And that’s how Egypt broke Couple #1. Let’s move on, shall we?

Jada: Who are you calling Couple #2?

Oops, I forgot to check in on Jada. I guess she didn’t drown though.

Jada: I’m thinking of drowning soon if my dumb girlfriend doesn’t show up.

Thankfully…

Kip: Honey, I’m home!

Jada: I’m not speaking to you.

Kip: But I brought falafel!

Jada: When the HELL did you have time to get falafel?

Kip: Oh, I’ve had a very relaxing day.

Jada: Wait, is this where we’re sleeping tonight?

Uh, yep. Unless you want to take Lady Sloth BACK to base camp?

Jada: Bring on the pyramids.

Jada: I feel like this goes against some kind of preservation law.

Hey, it’s legal until you hear sirens.

And if the cops do show up, you two are going STRAIGHT to jail.

Jada: KIP WHAT DID YOU DO.

Kip: Just a little something to make it more homey. 😀

Meanwhile, Non-Couple #0 are the very antithesis of the word “homey.”

Trance: I’d like the exact opposite of what she’s having.

Nephty: Sooooo a big old plate of nothing.

Trance: If that’s the most opposite you can go, yes.

Nephty: That’ll be $40.

Trance: Worttthhhh iiiiiiiit.

Tell me that isn’t the face of a woman having ten thousand epiphanies.

Delilah: Did I just dodge a bullet? Why have I wasted my life this way? What do I do now?

Delilah: I know! I’ll be your faithful bodyguard.

Nephty: You really don’t have to.

Delilah: But I insist!

Nephty: *mutters in Arabic*

Hey guys, someone had better get back to the tent city before Siri appoints herself president…

Siri: What other shit can I fuck up while everyone’s asleep?

Oh yes, perfect. Find the rival branch of the family and turn them against us.

Siri: …so yeah, in the end the only way to free myself from that abuse and prejudice was to sell myself in marriage.

Lev: Wow, I’m so proud of you for advocating for your rights!

Trance: YOU DON’T KNOW THE HALF OF IT

Trance: I’m telling you, that robot is psychotic.

Lev: I’m shocked that Lira’s descendant would say such a thing.

Trance: But… but SimBots were a more innocent technology!

Lev: Goodnight, Trance.

Let’s appreciate the reality here – that Trance can’t even speak to his great-great aunt because he isn’t cool enough.

Trance: I hope you die.

Siri: Wow Trance how could you speak to a puppy that way?

Trance: …Puppy? What puppy?

THIS PUPPY who looks exactly like our dear old Grey Wind, bless his soul!

Grey Wind Reincarnated: Auurrooooo?

That’s it, we’re buying it a plane ticket.

Trance: OH MA GAWD IT’S SO FLUFFY

GWR: OH MY GAWD IT’S SO UGLY

GWR: *vanishes*

You deserved that.

Trance: Trance is sad now.

Delilah: You weren’t sad already?

Trance: No, why would I be?

Delilah: Jerk.

What is this? An attempt at reconciliation?

Trance: That little puppy has made me merciful.

Delilah: What a relief.

Trance: I’ve decided to let you apologize for what you did.

Delilah: What I did?

Trance: Now now, I realize it’s not easy to admit your mistakes.

Delilah: You don’t say.

I swear, the number of times I double-clicked on Kip’s icon just to be instantly whisked away from her brother’s imploded love life…

Jada: So what are we doing today?

Kip: How about the same thing we did yesterday?

Jada: Why do I bother asking?

And just what has been going on in this pyramid all weekend?

Jada: Some things are better left unblogged.

Question is, who the heck is watching you?

Kip: Fuel up homeslice, we’ve got all day to kill!

Jada: Forget jail. We are going to Egyptian hell.

Sphinx: Damn right you are.

Oh. That’s who.

Eventually I send them out for some fresh air – and suddenly remember what we actually came here for, i.e. Kip’s LTW. But it turns out sim photography is an exceptionally unbloggable skill.

Kip: All done.

Jada: When did you even pull out a camera?

Kip: I’m holding it right now, can’t you see?

But at least it’s better content than this festering turd of a story arc.

Delilah: Hey, maybe this country is doing weird things to both of us?

Trance: To you, maybe. I’m perfect.

Delilah: You put a snake in my bathing suit.

Trance: You’re welcome.

Delilah: WHY DO I LOVE THIS MAN?

I’m seriously at a loss, girl.

And so we resort to the only tried-and-true method of reviving a rotten relationship – tossing the good old pigskin.

Trance: Sometimes I feel like you don’t appreciate my brilliance. Your turn.

Delilah: Alright. Sometimes I worry that you literally think you’re the only person on the planet. Next.

Trance: Sometimes I feel like you still see me as the kid who peed himself playing hide-and-seek.

Delilah: Sometimes I keep myself sane by remembering that moment.

Trance: I KNEW IT

Sometimes I think I refuse to accept when a relationship is just not meant to be.

When every other storyline is a dud, we can always count on our fellow tourists for some quality dirt.

Jeremy: Care to help a poor weary traveler without a tent to sleep in?

Stephanie: You’ll wanna go straight down that way and hang a right at the pyramid.

Jeremy: I was thinking more like we could share.

Stephanie: Yes and I was thinking you could go get mauled by a crocodile, assface.

My poor light sleepers are reluctantly in on aaaaallll the neighbourhood drama.

Jeremy: But what are the chances of two Dragon Valley natives running into each other this far from home?

Stephanie: About 1 in 2 these days.

Trance: IT’S A NO MAN

Jada: JUST TAKE THE LOSS

Oh look, pretty things! This must have been my attempt to document the photographer’s journey. I mean, mostly Jada poses in front of landmarks and waits for Kip to catch up with her. The actual photography takes all of three milliseconds.

When it comes down to it, these fools do shit all.

Kip: You don’t have to do stuff when you’re this naturally picturesque!

Jada: Psst, you do still have to shower though…

Kip: What do you think I’m doing right now?

Jada: For god’s sake, woman.

Jada: Here. Do I have to sugar-coat everything for you?

Kip: You shouldn’t have!

Jada: Oh, but I had to.

Kip: This is so retro!

It’s a shame that selfies don’t count toward Kip’s LTW – or “ussies,” as the youths are apparently calling them these days. Is that a thing? So help me if that’s a thing.

Kip: Wow, these look so much better without that mysterious green vapour!

Jada: You ARE a mysterious green vapour.

Kip: You’re so lucky I love you.

Indeed, though I had my doubts about their chemistry, this trip has all but sealed a seven-book deal for Kipada’s love story. What a shame for poor Trelilah.

Trance: STOP BEING SO HAPPY

Delilah: I wish I had someone to frolic in this puddle with.

And the lovebirds have no qualms about rubbing it in.

Delilah: I have a feeling that tent isn’t just blowing in the wind.

Trance: You’re right, but maybe the answer is.

Delilah: What answer?

Trance: You know Bob Dylan?

Delilah: Why are you— oh, I get it.

Delilah: That was super lame.

Trance: You know you loved it.

And that (plus 17 straight hours of catch) is how you repair the irreparable.

The end.

But wait! In one final memorable moment, Kip collects her spirit animal and names him Gram (as in Insta).

Kip: What’s up little guy?

Gram: *wheeze* I’ve been *wheeze* trying *wheeze* to catch up with you *wheeze* for days *wheeze*

Kip: Dude, wait ‘til you meet my girlfriend.

Which brings us to the real end of the trip. Thank god.

Kip: Wake up Trash Princess, we’re home.

Siesta: Hmm? Do I get to be the star now?

Kip: Oh no, we haven’t done China or France yet.

Siesta: Dang it.

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Well it’s about fucking time I finished this post. I am not lying when I say there’s a part in here that I rewrote once a week for two months. If I had nice things to give out I would offer some kind of prize for guessing which part, but then again, I’d probably get offended every time someone guessed wrong.

News-heavy personal post coming soon because I’m about due for one, and then I guess it’s time for more adventuring. Why did I do this to myself?

Missed you guys. ❤

Happy Simming!

-Sam