7.20 No Content

I told you these titles were going to start sounding dumb.

But Gryff, they’ve always sounded—

DO NOT FEAR! For this chapter does not actually have “no content,” just painfully little until the last few screenshots. So let’s cut to the meaningless drivel, eh?

Previously, there was a big Snowflake Day blowout (literally, the fireplace exploded) but ghost-Boa saved our butts with magic. Also, Siesta replaced Dudley’s Capacity to Love chip with Sinister Circuits—at least, I think she did. Try decoding thirty different screenshots of your sim holding a screwdriver suggestively in front of a robot, three years after playing the game and taking no notes.

At this point I’m taking complete creative license.

Dudley: Turn up?

Pete: Turn up!

Pete: Ow.

Adorable as they still are, the ship that was Pudley has effectively sunk. Now that Dudley’s feelings channel has been removed, he knows only crime.

However, it’s obvious the poor guy isn’t built for this life.

He wished for this almost right after his last one was removed.

Pudley is real. </3

Pete must also have been equipped with Sinister Circuits at some point. He’s taken to stalking Dusty all over the lot.

Dusty: Wow, what a beautiful starlit—

Pete: TURN UP!

Dusty: I’ve soiled myself.

And no one is surprised.

Dudley also has a new hobby. Please nobody tell him how counterproductive this is, because I don’t have the heart to kill his joy.

Dudley: Muscle!

June appears to have been working through the night to clean up the aftermath of the party. On a scale of 1 to Best Butler Ever, ours is a fifteen.

Maid: Girl, why do you put yourself through this? Most of us scrub, like, a single dish and still get paid.

June: Not all of us are content with mediocrity.

Maid: Apparently not all of us are content with taking showers.

June: A fair point.

Ixi made a friend at school! How much do you wanna bet she’s a Langurd?

Reveal in 3… 2… 1…

HOLY MOTHER OF TEWL’S NOSE.

This is the real pandemic.

And Dusty got himself a promotion that definitely had nothing to do with dating his boss.

Dusty: THANKS FOR THE PROMOTION, SECRET GIRLFRIEND!

Paparazzi: Y’all really make my job too easy.

Apparently not, since there has been literally no fallout from this affair so far.

Level 9, baby! Someone’s letting this dude do flips in planes and that is definitely not okay!

Also, this is around the time when I started screencapping his stat panels, which means he is oooooold and walking a dangerous line between total fulfilment and dying just short of his dreams.

Dusty: Say, do you think you could hand me just one more promotion on a silver platter?

Patty: Why would I do that?

Dusty: Well, I’ve worked my whole life to become an astronaut…

Riza: Your whole life, you say?

Riza: That’s embarrassing.

A whole generation later, I still don’t understand how she’s even more alien than her mother. (And also the coolest sim in Dragon Valley.)

Sucks to not be born with a spaceship in your pocket, huh? And since Patty’s fresh out of promotion tickets, it’s the old-fashioned way for Dusty.

Dusty: This stinks. What does emptying a drain pump have to do with being an astronaut?

Idk man, but I feel you. The smell still haunts my nostrils from the last time I did mine. (Fun fact: I also found half of a former tenant’s driver’s license in there. He was Canadian too!)

Would you look at that! We did one thing without cutting corners! But rest assured, we will be cutting the next corner available.

And now, in a shameless attempt to boost this chapter’s content, a brief episode of “Thank God This Isn’t an ISBI” starring Kyrii Langurd.

That concludes “Thank God This Isn’t an ISBI” starring Kyrii Langurd. Tune in next time for adventures like “how close to the toilet can I wet myself?” and “actually dying of hunger.”

Just in time for the Tokyo Olympics, a new table tennis discipline: Pete-Pong!

One might think a robot would make a formidable opponent, but please keep in mind who built this one.

Acara: Yeah no, easiest game of my life.

Pete: Ponk!

Acara: No-look shot! *ball hits the ceiling*

Pete: Ten pants to Acrola!

Acara: Can’t argue with that math.

“Argue with that math” is precisely how I imagine Tonu doing his homework. Thankfully, we found one more way to exploit June for additional labour.

Tonu: Charmander used Thunder Bolt! It’s super-effective!

June: Well now, that doesn’t sound factually correct. Let me take a look.

Kyrii: That doesn’t sound factually like homework…

Well yeah, duh. We all know he’s just trying to get closer to June.

Kyrii: Gross.

If there was any uncertainty over Ixi’s teen trait (and there was—thanks, non-existent notes!) I think we can establish from these pictures that it is, in fact, Proper.

Ixi: Chin chin cheerio, old chap!

I said Proper, not British.

Ixi: Do you even know the difference?

Barely, I must admit.

Ixi: *sips tea in silent judgment while ignoring phone calls*

How “Proper” realistically manifests itself in this legacy:

Ixi: A lady must remain composed in the face of anything.

Kau: That’s hardcore, sis.

I think this is legitimately the ONLY day when I got them all in the school doors together.

Well done, me.

Another pat on the back—people are actually using the random items I dropped on the community lot behind our house! The Langurds own it (and a good chunk of the town by now), so I thought I’d experiment.

It didn’t occur to me before, but this may explain the upsurge in townies walking around in beekeeper garb.

I also cleared some space for a bot emporium so that Siesta can finally (maybe?) make some money from her profession. Upon visiting for the first time, we learn two highly irrelevant things:

a) Hot Jeremy is suddenly an elder?! Unless I’m mistaken and this is his brother Derrick, who is basically identical and also married to…

b) FIASCO, WHO IS STILL ALIVE?!?

Fiasco: Oh, poop. Crash and Rhapsody both died like right after you said that about them.

Sorry, bud. I don’t have any death pop-ups in the arsenal so I think you’re good—though I may also have just forgotten you.

Fiasco: Love that for me.

There’s another ghostie wandering the town, and this one is a cop. I think he must be Trance’s son Duke?

Duke: Shhhh. I sense crimes.

Oh no. That can’t mean…

Dudley: Crimes!

Please no! It’s his FIRST DAY. D:

Welp.

The saddest part isn’t even that he gets caught after five minutes on the job. It’s that he wants to go support the quads’ extracurriculars, but he’s in jail. </3

Better than Siesta’s excuse, at least.

A badging ceremony—you know what that means! It’s almost teenifying time. :O (If you hadn’t guessed, that is the “content” we’re working toward in this chapter.)

It’s crazy to me now that I had all the quads in extracurriculars AND actually attending. Though, to be fair, their child phase wrapped a weekend, a Snow Day, and a holiday, so they probably went like twice.

Kau: Kiko, what are you waiting for? Let’s go!

Kiko: Me? Do extracurriculars? Haha, nice one.

Kiko: Don’t you dare tell anyone how many badges I have.

Of course not, my little closet nerd. 😉

Looks like Dusty attended, but he also stole the spotlight like the attention whore he is.

Paparazzi: Mr. Langurd! Can you elaborate on your “secret girlfriend” situation?

Dusty: I do flips in planes.

Paparazzi: Uh-huh, for sure. Is it true you ask for promotions “on a silver platter”?

If he ever does top this career, there will be absolutely no honour in doing so.

Case in point.

Dusty: I might die tomorrow. Make me an astronaut, pretty please?

Okay, it’s actually insane how much dating your boss helps your job performance in no time at all.

…Should I do this with every sim career? :O

Patty: How about you convince me that you’re really in this first.

Dusty: Err, okay, tell me about yourself?

Patty: Well, aside from being your sister in law, I’m a great kisser who’s artistic but unlucky. My boyfriend is Hot Jeremy, the dude who made everyone lose it at your party. Oh, and I’m actually only a Grunt. Lol.

Dusty: WHAT?!

Patty: Oh, don’t worry. Jeremy’s totally cool with this.

Dusty: Grunt is only Level Three though?!

Patty: Uh, yep. Wow, sure is getting late huh.

Damn you Patty. Damn you EA and your poorly configured hierarchies.

But never mind that, ‘cause it’s time for CONTENT!

Take your very last look at these deadpan, caught-off-guard, halfheartedly celebrating kiddos…

…and take your first look at the Quad Squad, Teen Edition!

Kau: Ooooooh, we are badass.

Kiko: We would be if someone had remembered to shower…

Kyrii: Gee, sorry I was still having my birthday while you were all prepping for the photoshoot.

Kougra: Why do we have sticks? Is this a duel?

Not yet, but I have a feeling the heir poll will be…

…because we got some damn cool kids in this generation.

Let’s start with Kau.

Kau: Arrrr, that’s Cap’n Kau to you.

My mistake. “Cap’n” Kau rolls Eco-Friendly, essentially shooting his chances of ever getting an indoor bedroom to hell.

Kau: Son of a biscuit.

Never mind that he’s basically Steve the Pirate from Dodgeball.

Kiko rolls irresistible, and a pink dip-dye job. Well, you can’t roll that but the gods commanded it.

Kiko: Lock up your sons.

You can’t say that in this town. Everyone’s son is your cousin!

Kiko: Well then lock up your fish, ‘cause I’m coming for those too.

Here’s Kougra. I’ve made a real mess of her traits. I said her third and fourth were Computer Whiz and Night Owl, but I couldn’t remember the order.

Turns out her fourth trait is actually Animal Lover, so I have no idea what the fuck is going on.

Kougra: I’m wise beyond my years?

We’ll go with that.

And finally, Kyrii. She rolls Gatherer.

Kyrii: I gather you cheated away the green fumes.

Also, major shoutout to WinterChild98 for finally solving the mystery of her lobster skin! Turns out my internet sources were wrong and the Mithrilens are actually on the dark rainbow slider, not the blue one. Hence, Kyrii’s slider is Dusty’s, but her slider placement is Siesta’s! Definitely a thing I could’ve checked if I weren’t 10,581km from my computer, but thank goodness for astute readers. 😉

And there you have them, folks! About as diverse a squad as we could’ve hoped for.

Kiko: So… are we actually going to play pool, or…?

Oh, no. This was purely for the cool poses. 😉

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Turns out “No Content” was very accurate in the end, because I cut almost 40 screenshots in the process of writing this. 😛 Rather than add material from the next post, I’m opting to chuck this baby out of the nest and simply hope it can fly.

And anyway, we’ve made it to a major milestone! Everyone is teenified! No more genetic surprises!

Typically I might post an heir poll at this point, but there’s a lot more to come before anyone can even think about taking over. Plus, I’m still in another country for the next seven months, so there’s definitely no hurry.

I’m thinking I’ll write them through university before taking the vote. Or, if I don’t get that far before March (hey, this is me we’re talking about) I’ll just run the poll before I fly back to Canada.

For now, let’s just hope August can be a fraction as productive as July has been!

Thanks for reading, and Happy Simming!

-Sam