7.23 Service Unavailable

Welcome back—to yet another post that will undoubtedly disappear into the ridiculous blur of Generation Seven. I can’t imagine how you all feel trying to keep things straight, because I’m barely hanging on myself.

Previously, Dusty topped his career AT LONG FREAKING LAST and dumped his boss, Patty. Kiko and Siesta became mortal enemies, Ixi returned from snob school, Acara went from humdrum teenager to humdrum young adult, and many a mastermind plot was hatched.

But most importantly, in a tragedy that rivaled losing the unicorn, we said goodbye to the greatest butler of all time. And no—June didn’t die. She just stopped doing her job and then vanished in a hallway.

Such is the circle of life.

Her (second) replacement is such a disappointment that I didn’t even bother to screencap her name.

Butler: Sweet, who made waffles?

Siesta: Evidently not you.

Evidently not anyone who gives a shit. Bets are on Evil Dudley, or maybe even Resentful Acara, for raising my waffle-induced anxiety meter. It’s a small miracle this didn’t end in a fire.

Imagine being a taxi driver and this slides into your back seat.

Driver: Where to?

Kau: Wherever the wind takes me, matey.

Driver: You’re gonna have to pick a place.

Kau: It is not the destination so much as the journey, they say.

Driver: Who the fuck are you?

Kau: Cap’n Kau, an’ this be my companion, Blubsy.

Driver: You’re the worst pirate I’ve ever heard of.

Kau: Aye, but you have heard of me.

He does make a pretty bad pirate. Dude spends most of his time with his feet solidly in the dirt.

Kau: And that’s where I’ll stay until my babies learn to fly! Isn’t that right, Kau Jr.?

Hen 1: They’re not your babies. Chickens don’t really fly. And who are you calling a cow? I’m sick of this fool.

Hen 2: Hush, Betsy. Let him have his fun.

For some reason, I decided that Kau should ALSO raise bees. It must be the Eco-Friendly trait, which hasn’t cropped up since it was totally wasted on Star in Gen Two.

Kau: Aaaand your name is Buzz Lightyear, and yours is Bee-yonce, and yours is Honey Boo-Boo, and yours is Waximillian…

Right then, I’ll be back in seventeen hours.

Others are content with the simple life, aka only having one name to remember.

Kougra: I love cat.

Kadoatie: Have you logged into your banking today?

Kougra: Shut up and eat your chicken.

I don’t know why I’d bother writing a cat as anything less than endearing.

Kadoatie: Stop spending money on things you don’t need.

*sobs onto rainbow LED keyboard*

Sadly, the influx of buckets put ideas in my head, and the time may soon come for the children to leave their fur/feather/exoskeleton babies under robot guardianship.

Kau: This stinks. Pirates don’t need school.

Kougra: Relax. She can’t send us if we get every question wrong.

Well, mission accomplished, but that’s not how this works at all.

Naturally, they all take turns testing their silly little brain cells.

Kiko: BEDMAS… That’s like Christmas, but you spend all day in bed. Right?

Tonu: There’s whisky on the table.

Kiko: Exactly. We make a good team, bro.

A marginal improvement, but jeez. Why did I think this generation was going to break the mould?

Kiko: I’m pretty sure this makes us the intellectuals of the family.

Tonu: Aren’t you married to Tom?

Kiko: Am I?

Tonu: Your peppers are wilting!

Kiko: Come on, I thought we were friends!

Tonu: Go toss a pinecone.

Kiko: My brain is broken.

He tends to have that effect.

Kiko: Whatever. Hey Kyrii, gimme your homework answers.

Kyrii: I thought you were “the intellectual of the family.”

Let’s be real—there’s no contest there…

That’s still what, like 60%? I’m Canadian; I don’t know how this shit works.

Butler: Good on you kids for pursuing a college education. Sure beats winding up in a lousy job like mine.

Kau: Which is what, exactly?

Kyrii: Getting paid to drink a stranger’s coffee and sleep in their home? Doesn’t sound so lousy to me.

Of course, the REAL reason for their pending university adventure has nothing to do with education…

Kyrii: For the last time, Langurd is not a common surname. And no, your hyphenation does not make us any less related. Goodbye, Albert.

Just wait, girl. You’ll have your pick of townies in a week’s time.

Acara: What about me?

What about you? You have Hans.

Acara: Oh yeah. Drat.

I’ll still let you come if you promise to clean the dorms.

Acara: BOY WILL I EVER

A wiser Sam would have left her behind considering she already has a career AND stands to top it before any of the heir-probables are of age.

The wisest Sam would have booted her out the moment she turned YA.

Acara: Hey now.

Just be thankful I’m an idiot. Now chop chop, back to that workaholic life!

Acara: Yippee.

Speaking of idiots…

Siesta: GOD, how many more pictures do you want to take of me standing in front of this egg?? Do you even remember what I’m doing?

Do YOU remember what you’re doing?

Siesta: …

Siesta: Now I do.

Evil Dudley: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Siesta: Yeesh, when’d he turn into such a buzzkill?

Well that’s a bit harsh.

Mind you, Dudley is a dick now.

Pete: Look, Durfley! Pete paint Koko and Karl!

Dudley: Die?

Dudley: DIE!

Pete: Unggghhhhhhzzz

Pete: Durfley why…

In the name of crime, that’s why. “Intimidating and muscular”—that’s our Dudley alright!

Siesta: Great, how are we supposed to sleep knowing there’s a murderer in the house?

Um okay, a) Evil Dudley is 99% your doing, and b) aren’t you two used to it by now?

Dusty: We have never not been in danger.

On the bright(?) side, Dusty’s meanie boss retired before he did!

…only to be replaced by his brand-new-to-the-workforce niece, which has to hurt.

In other news, Kougra hates people so much that she only flexes her social muscle on animals in the middle of the night.

Kougra: Hey Blubsy, what do you call fake spaghetti?

Blubsy: Cacaw!

Kougra: An impasta! Geddit? *wink*

Blubsy: Cacaw…

Kougra: I got another one! So get this, I went to buy some camo pants…

Kougra: …but I couldn’t find any!

Tonu: That is a pencil!

You know you’re a mess when Tonu thinks so.

Kougra: That’s okay, I only need Blubsy’s approval anyway.

And you clearly… have it?

Blubsy: Ca… caw…

There isn’t a moment of rest around here. As soon as Kougra’s in bed, Kau is up tending to the livestock and… eating all the product?

Kau: At least it’s not drugs.

I’m not so sure. This is giving Balboa’s jellybean addiction…

However, life IS pretty sweet when your allocated personality doesn’t require learning an actual skill.

Kau: Am I ready to take to the sea?

Er, probably.

Kau: Then what are we waiting for?

To move to a world with an explorable ocean.

Kau: Cool. When do you think we might do that?

Kiko: Read between the lines, bro. You’re a river pirate forever.

Kau: Nuh-uh!

Kiko: Yuh-huh.

We’ll see about that. For now, helping Kiko rid the river of all aquatic life will have to suffice.

Back at home, the Langurds find various methods to face the growing menace within their walls.

Dudley: Die?

Kyrii: Oh no, is it my time already? Please sir, may I watch the evening news one last time?

News Man: This just in from Dragon Valley, a local reports that an increasing number of citizens are choosing to leave their vehicles unlocked out of pure trust in their neighbours…

Kyrii: Don’t be getting any ideas, Dudley.

Dudley: Brb!!!

With that, Kyrii lives to see another day—and uses that gift wisely.

Kyrii: Just think, if Dudley had got me, I would never have been able to do this!

Do what?

Kyrii: Cure cancer!!!

As if I’d fall for that again.

Kyrii: No, really! No joke this time, I swear!

Kyrii: I’ll just leave the vial here and hope no one tampers with it while I’m on my snack break.

Doesn’t that seem a bit risky to y—

Oh. Oh no.

Oh NO.

Tonu: Are these shoes too big for me?

Please tell me you didn’t touch the machine.

Tonu: Orange juice is so much better with pulp!

GODDAMMIT.

Thank heavens, another functioning brain.

Ixi: I have returned from my studies.

I thought that happened last chapter?

Ixi: Perhaps you miscaptioned.

Come on you guys, stop messing with me!

Thanks, Bribesworth Prep! Stoked to join the web of nepotism.

Our Ixi has indeed grown into a fine young woman, rounding out her incredibly cohesive trait panel with Schmoozer.

Ixi: Perhaps Mother will finally be proud.

I don’t buy it.

Aaaaand she’s off to join Acara and the Land of Nine to Five! On the political track, of course.

Ixi: Is this the future for which I’ve strived so hard?

Yep! Now go take back the town from the fairies, kthanksbye.

Turns out aimless floating may require some skill, aka the skill of knowing when to stop.

Kau: What do you mean? I thought aimless meant forever?

Not when you have a curfew, dummy.

Kau: This is the day you will always remember as the day you almost caught Captain Kau Langurd!

Cop: I caught you. I’m catching you. This is me arresting you.

Kau: THIS IS THE DAY YOU WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER—

Next morning—a rare sighting of Not-June the Butler doing her job!

Butler: Morning, Mrs. Siesta!

Ixi: These crêpes are positively delectable, but the nose notes are certainly peculiar.

The general consensus is that she is the worst, though not everyone is so polite as Ixi.

Kau: Why am I cooking? We have people for this.

Kiko: Good question. Why am I feeding the fish?

Acara: Why am I pulling out my own chair?

Kyrii: Jeez guys, learn some self-sufficiency. I got this plate out of the fridge all by myself.

Rightfully enraged or a bunch of spoiled brats? You decide.

Along with self-sufficiency, a little discretion perhaps.

Kyrii: Seriously, I don’t think I’ve seen her touch a single dish if she wasn’t eating from it.

Pete: Bad bortler.

Butler: Spoiled brats is about right.

Kiko, what are you doing?

Kiko: You said to learn discretion and self-sufficiency. I’m going to the wizard for advice.

What wizard??

Kiko: The one who lives in this tower. Duh.

Well? What did he say?

Kiko: That he would give me the answers I seek for a nominal fee of $40,000!

Golly gee willakers, what are you waiting for??

Kiko: I know, right? Better hope the fish are biting today!

Better hope there was a recent bitcoin spill, more like.

Kiko: Ooh, you think so?

No.

Not gonna lie, I’m thankful for any wild goose chase that keeps a lid on Kiko’s Evil trait. Meanwhile, the Glinda to her Elphaba is off to the political races. Still working through some blips in her communication skills, but thriving nonetheless.

Ixi: Good day, Mr. Finnigan! My name is Ixi Langurd, how do you do? *dial-up sounds* Pardon me. I was hoping I could get your thoughts on the—BEEP BOOP—current state of leadership in Dragon Valley?

…

Ixi: My my, Mr. Finnigan, you certainly have some strong feelings.

Ixi: Well, I can assure you that—RECALCULATING—I do apologize—that your concerns are of utmost importance to the Circle Party. Can we count on your vote?

…

Ixi: Quite right, Mr. Finnigan. I too wish my ballot had a box for “only because the alternative is so unfathomably bad.”

When the day’s work is done, she takes refuge in her natural habitat.

Ixi: 00100101010111100001010101001100— must you eavesdrop?

Sorry.

I wish I could explain this screenshot with the same caption, but nothing about this seems natural.

Kougra: Not even a little bit? The algorithm says I need to expand my brand.

Sorry dude.

Kougra: Dammit. By the way—you tell anyone about this, you’re dead.

See, that’s more like it. Kougra glued to a screen, and her elderly parents getting trashed in the middle of the day.

Siesta: Chug! Chug! Chug!

Dusty: Why do I have to chug again?

Siesta: I don’t know, Dusty. Do you expect me to remember ALL the rules?

Dusty: Heck yeah! Hole in one!

Siesta: *choke*

Siesta: *cough*

Dusty: I’m not clear on the rules either, but I don’t think you’re supposed to eat balls.

Siesta: You’re not supposed to throw them at my mouth, either!

Kougra (offscreen): Hey guys, could you please keep it PG-13?

Ah yes, I see I found a 73rd pastime for Kau. Though the thought of this scraggly little seaweed getting swole is a bit laughable.

Kau: Come on, more laughable than Dudley?

Dudley: Dudley?

Don’t you listen to him, Dudley! You can do it! Visualize your dream!

Dudley: Jason Momoa!

Mmkay, maybe rein it in a little.

Kau is currently grounded, which probably explains the treadmilling. As a result, he’s had to scale back his floating operation even further. How’s it feel to go from river pirate to pool pirate?

Kau: Not so jolly, Roger.

Good one. What if I told you this is it, forever? We’re never moving to a town with an explorable ocean because we’ve already been there and done that?

Kau: WHAT?!

Kau: SHIVER ME TIMBERS

Kau: BLLRBBRLLRRBBBB!

Just kidding. Probably.

Kau: I don’t like you.

Speaking of demotions, it’s a special day for Kadoatie…

Kougra: Oof, you’re like 20% less cute now.

Kadoatie: 20% is a solid goal for your investment returns.

Kougra: Did I say 20? I meant 50% less cute.

Kougra: Okay, so the sugar goes… where?

You’re really taking that algorithm seriously, huh?

Kougra: An internet personality must wear many hats.

Good luck fitting any hat over that high pony, girl.

Kougra: Duuuuuuuuuuuuuude. So meta.

Kau may be grounded, but his partner in crime has complete licence to terrorize the town at any hour she pleases.

Kiko: Alright! Gonna take all this bitcoin to the wizard!

?????????????????????

Kiko: Hey, you left me alone for hours on a sandy hill. Do you really want to ask questions?

Probably not.

(In case you wanted to know what was really happening here.)

One question I do want to ask is why we are still paying for a butler who does fuck all?!?

Dudley: Fuck!

Precisely!!

Should’ve just accepted that the robots are perfectly capable of keeping things together around here.

Pete: Itchy for Prensident?

Ixi: With any luck, yes. You’ll vote for me, won’t you Pete?

Pete: Can’t volt. Robont.

Ixi: Nonsense. I suppose that will be my first reform.

Hey you two, you don’t interact nearly enough. Mandatory bro time commences now.

Kau: You say that like it’s a chore.

Well, it clearly is for one of you.

Kau: So Tonu, what’s your deal?

Tonu: Ribbons.

Kau: Really? That’s interesting.

Kau: Well, I’ll tell you mine. But it’s a top secret plan, so you have to pretend we’re talking about vegetables or Dudley will get suspicious.

Tonu: Look at that pumpkin!

Kau: Kiko says pumpkins are fruits, but good enough.

Kau: Kiko also says I’m a river pirate but I’m actually more of a puddle pirate at this point, which is sad if I think about but I’ve decided not to do that. Ha ha!

Tonu: I’ll see you tonight at eight.

Kau: You— really? Sweet! What are we doing?

Tonu: *leaves*

Two lost ginger souls… should’ve known they’d wind up back at the chicken coop.

Kau: If you’re here to fight Charles, don’t bother. He says he’s having “Hen Time,” whatever that means.

Kougra: Oh, I won’t be fighting him.

Kougra: I’ve brought a champion to fight in my stead.

Blubsy: Cacaw!

Now there’s a brand the internet will get behind.

And for a final note of chaos upon which to end the chapter—Tonu wanted a spray tan…

Tonu: Are you sure narwhals are real?

I’m not, for that matter.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Yikes, I’ve been chipping away at this thing for weeks. WE ARE GETTING THERE. I’m pretty sure things only get more ridiculous once they head to university, but we’ll face that when the time comes.

Side note, I’ve been playing some TS4 lately (by which I mean like a month ago) and it’s growing on me.  Not enough to jump ship on this old thing, but enough that I can maybe see a future beyond the end of it? Idk, I won’t get ahead of myself.

“Get ahead.” As if I’m even capable.

My author’s notes are all sounding the same these days, huh? XD

I hope you’re all surviving in this “post”-COVID world, and thank you so much for reading! ❤

Happy Simming!

-Sam

Advertisement