7.24 Processing

Ahoy, mateys! Let us sail forth into uncharted waters, past that obvious Bokoblin camp on the hill and beyond this world to the place I know where I cannot go where I long to—

Hahahaha just kidding. We are good and stuck here ‘til the end of conceivable time! Can you tell I want to be literally anywhere that’s not Dragon Valley??

But anyway, welcome back! Previously, everyone hated the new butler. A grounded Kau resigned himself to the life of a landlubber. Kougra tried on many hats. Kyrii cured cancer and Tonu un-cured it. Ixi became a politician overnight, which is pretty standard these days. Acara was boring, and Kiko was the opposite but still did nothing worth mentioning. Names got you twisted? Have no fear! I have conveniently omitted five whole Langurds from this recap in the interest of simplicity!

Fuck.

Let us see what they’re all up to now.

Kau: So, let me get this straight. You guys have some kind of master plan to take revenge on the family and the legacy gods, and you want me to be the hero of the whole thing without even knowing what it is?

Kyrii: Well, we didn’t say you were the her—

Kiko: Shhhh. Speak his language. Yes, Kau. You are the most important piece of this puzzle, o captain my captain. We couldn’t do it without you.

Kau: In that case, I guess I could help you out…

Kiko: Great. You da best.

Kyrii: *sigh*

Whatever that plan may be, it seems every kid has their part to play. Ixi’s involves a lot of grand speeches in the mirror.

Ixi: Now, I understand your hesitation in electing a candidate from a family such as my own. Your current mayor would have you believe that mainstream Langurds are all deadbeats, adulterers, animal abusers, drug addicts, and literal demons. Well, I’m here to tell you that it’s all true! And according to a recent survey, those are among the top ten qualities befitting a world leader!

Kiko’s only role seems to be puller of strings—or reeler of lines, one might say. Though I’m not sure she’s going to reel in much from INSIDE the bridge?

Kiko: It’s where all the best fish are hiding.

A proper zoom in reveals she’s a genius as per usual.

Kau appears to have given up on being the hero.

Kau: Huh?

It’s okay, I’m sure Tonu would be equal to the task.

Kau: NO WAIT!

Kau: See the line where the sky meets the sea, it caaaaaaaalls me

*boat hits an invisible barrier*

Kau: Dammit!

Kau: It’s fine, I’ll just swim the rest of the w— OOOH, SHINY!

And a new (slightly more productive) hobby is born!

Acara’s job is just her job, forever and always.

Acara: Ixi gets to go to bed and I’m not even allowed a pee break?

You can pee when you’re dead.

Acara: This literally isn’t funny anymore!

And Kougra… Well, Kougra is hurtling fast toward locking in the Cat Herder LTW, and I might just let her. Malissa died before she managed it, and it never hurts to have a feline army.

Kougra: What a shame I am now bound to this very spot forever ❤

Kadoatie: Your phone bill is five days overdue ❤

That didn’t last long.

Siesta: I like cats too. See this sweater?

Dusty: That’s great, honey! Are we going to get another one?

Siesta: No.

Siesta: In fact, I would like you to get on the computer right now and put all our children up for adoption. Except Acara—she’ll look after us.

Dusty: Yes, honey.

Jk.

But honestly, tempting.

Butler: Yo Tonu, I heard you were a big fan of the first butler here, if you know what I’m saying. Maybe we could pick up where you two left off.

Tonu: It doesn’t matter what college you went to.

Butler: Really?!? Well, that’s a relief, because I went to the Finger Painting College and I didn’t even graduate.

Tonu: Gregarious!

Butler: Um, what? I thought you weren’t gonna judge?

No one can fill June’s shoes. Especially not someone who sucks this much.

Butler: MUSIC? I HATE MUSIC!

Kougra: I dunno, I kinda like the new butler…

(Five seconds later)

Kougra: What divine retribution is this?

A traumatic yet anticlimactic time was had.

Kougra: This is why I don’t go outside.

That seems to be the prevailing mentality.

Siesta: Gosh, I am ever so comfy right here in this hot tub. Sure would be a shame if I had to leave it for any reason.

Siesta: Is it worth it?

Is what worth it?

Siesta: …never mind.

GROSS.

Ixi: Apologies, Mother. I’ll be out of your hair in a moment, but this toilet was just begging to be cleaned.

Siesta: Yep, it’s dirty because of how often I use it. I use that toilet ALL THE TIME.

Ixi: Er, good to know?

Those who DO have places to go, try to make the best of it.

Acara: Wow, it’s the start of a brand new day! Time to have a nutritious breakfast, stop for coffee, and dance all the way to work like my life is a movie!

No. Eat the shower potato and get in the carpool.

Acara: But I—

Do it.

Acara: I know only suffering.

Well I’ll be—after several annoying days off in a row, this must be Dusty’s one and only day of astronauting.

Dusty: Livin’ the dream!

For some reason, I remembered there being a helicopter. Was that TS2? Either way, the Jalopy makes all the sense.

Dusty: Livin’ the dream?

And then there’s Kau, living his own sort of dream.

Kau: Zero emissions ftw!

I’ll keep that in mind next time you all go to China.

Kau: No wait, I—

Oh goody, I seem to have actually allotted some screentime to Acara and her dumb boyfriend.

Hans: I hate chess. Chess is bad. What a stupid game. *chortles*

Acara: Oh hey Hans, I just got off work! Wanna play some chess?

Hans: Bitch say what?

Acara: Oh, by the way! I just got promoted! My boss says I could even make department head before the end of the year!

Hans: That’s nice, sweetie.

Hans: But believe me Delilah, someday I’ll pay the bills with this guitar.

Acara: Who’s Delilah?

Cop: Who cares? We love a girl boss! Smile, Acara!

Military Lady: Yeah, welcome to the club!

Acara: Omg, you guys!

Hans: I feel unappreciated.

Acara: Err, okay…

Cop: Deadweight!

Military Lady: Good riddance!

Acara: Pay the bills, he says. I’ll show him paying the bills!

Everything alright?

Acara: JUST PEACHY.

Okay, who is it now? I swear, these kids are setting their sights TOO DAMN HIGH.

Oh, it’s Kyrii. Alas, with mere minutes before the debate begins, she’s succumbed to the classic and humiliating bowlhand glitch.

Kyrii: Hey, dogs like pancake batter, right? You want some, buddy?

Dog: Do you take me for a fool?

Kyrii: Great. Who’s going to elect a president with a bowl for a hand?

Hey, we’ve elected worse.

I rest my case.

Well folks, it’s happened. Siesta’s well and truly lost her marbles.

Wait… IXI?!

Ixi: Oh, you mustn’t tell anyone. It would make for a most delicious scandal.

Pete: Hahuehauehuehuehue

…I have no words.

Funny how I constantly forget that bathtubs can be used as seating, but this useless schlep clearly doesn’t.

Pete: Koko stanky.

Kiko: I know, right? Wish I could do something about it. But hey, what’s new with you?

Pete: Swimmed with naked gorl!

Kiko: Wow, get it Pete!

Kiko: What’s up, Ixi?

Ixi: Oh, nothing really. I’ve just been for the most delightful swim.

Kiko: GIRL YOU WHAT

When everything is falling apart, it’s always safe to end the chapter on a Tonu note.

Tonu: What time does the train leave?

Guys, come on. Is nobody going to celebrate his birthday with him??

Kau: I gueeessssss I can…

Tonu: Keep your hands to yourself!

Kau: Toot toot, supportive brother reporting for duty.

Tonu: Your neighbour cut down my trees.

Tonu: Time’s up!

Oof, this kid never ceases to unsettle me. I wish I could tell you anything about his traits. The YA version of him in my library has Animal Lover, Diva, Family-Oriented, Heavy Sleeper, and Unstable—but I’m willing to bet the latter is the only one that still stands.

Kiko is apparently using this bathroom as her office now—though I won’t argue, since at least it’s given her a chance to bathe.

Kiko: Hey dude, congrats on the birthday! I think it’s time we let you in on our super secret plan. And I have just the job for you!

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen…

Performing under the stage name Tofu Beancurd—it’s Dragon Valley’s newest teen heartthrob!!

Tonu: Sexy, free and single / I’m ready to bingo

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Another one bites the dust! Some exciting news: this marks my first post for SimNano 2022, which is happening throughout the month of July over at Boolprop.net! Feel free to join the party if you have a Sims story on the go and need a kick in the pants like I do. I’ve set myself an ambitious goal of 800 screenshots and 25,000 words, and I’m off to a great start by making this post far shorter than my average. Yeeeaaaahhh!

Oh and also! This blog’s TENTH(!!!) birthday is coming up in the middle of all that on July 12th. I currently have zero ideas for the birthday special, so consider this an open call for suggestions. XD If there’s anything in particular you’d like to see—experimental gameplay, behind the scenes shit, Hunger Games… feel free to shout it out in the comments!

Anyway, Happy Simming!

-Sam

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