Super Special #5: Satisfaction

I am so freakin’ excited. After four years and 32 posts, I will finally be able to unpause these fools. I mean, I technically already did that when I checked on the save, but… for real! Time will move forward. New Langurds will be born. I cannot fathom how satisfying it will be.

But first, let us close out a thoroughly discombobulating chapter of our lives, here at the Finger Painting College.

Kiko can longer avoid running into her past lovers, purely because there are so many of them.

Ludo: Hey Kiko, can we talk?

Kiko: New phone, who dis?

Ludo: Can you at least tell me how to get this lipstick off my face?

Kiko: Sorry, I don’t speak English.

Ludo: BUT YOU SAID I WAS YOUR WONDERWALL

It doesn’t help, of course, when you head straight into the hornet’s nest (and nap in it).

Miles: You suck! How can you take a guy’s virginity and never call him again?!

Harold: You’re the worst! I— wait, you were a virgin?

Miles: Well, there goes my street cred.

She wouldn’t be here if she didn’t have unfinished business to attend to.

Kiko: What’s this music you’re playing?

Mahmoud: Oh, just some old sixties records. I’m not into any of that new stuff.

Kiko: So no Wonderwall or Mr. Brightside for you, huh?

Mahmoud: Nah. But don’t tell the guys!

Kiko: Dammit…

Mahmoud: What?

Kiko: Let me think… Let me think…

Kiko: You’re my… itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini!

Mahmoud: OMG MARRY ME

Easy as pie.

I just gotta say, of all the Chams, this one rocks it the hardest. Possibly even harder than Kiko.

Miles: Hey, Mahmoud. What’s up?

Mahmoud: Just washing some sheets.

Miles: What for?

Mahmoud: No reason.

Miles: Pssst, Harold. I think she got Mahmoud too.

Harold: Big deal. It’s not like she gets a prize or anything.

Oh, but just you wait.

While we wait, here’s a picture of Kougra’s daily life.

Kougra: Why is this computer running AIM? Where are we, 1998?

And that’s pretty much it.

Others lead slightly more… exciting… lives. What’cha doin’ there, Ixi?

Ixi: Nothing! Certainly not peeping on a priceless piece of art…

Aaron: Ixi?

Ixi: I— I’m spying on the neighbours, not on you!

Aaron: Yeah, ‘cause one of those is better than the other.

Ixi: Why must he be so beautiful, though?

Okay, I’ve had it with you two. Figure your shit out or so help me, I will figure it out for you.

Ixi: Please don’t misunderstand. I was only looking at the neighbour’s… cat.

Aaron: Seriously, I don’t care what you were looking at. I wish you’d just be honest with me.

Ixi: Alright. Well, the thing is…

Aaron: Maybe without staring at my pecs?

Ixi: The thing is…

Aaron: Or gesturing at my crotch.

Ixi: Okay. I can do this. The  thing is, Aaron, I’m quite fond of you and I’d like us to be something.

Aaron: Well, that’s a relief. You don’t think I’m dumb, then?

Ixi: Not most of the time, anyway.

Ixi: You see, I’m going back to Dragon Valley soon to hopefully become the mayor. So, if you’d come and visit me there…

Ixi: I suppose I’d rather like that.

Aaron: Took you long enough!

Ixi: Oh look, our grades are in!

Aaron: How about that.

Ixi: I’m graduating with honours!

Aaron: Aww man, I flunked out!

Ixi: Flunked out? Of the Finger Painting College?

Aaron: Yeah!

Ixi: How does one manage that?

Oh dear, what’s the matter?

Ixi: *sobbing* I can’t be mayor with an imbecile for a husband!

Sure you can!

Ixi: No. This has just proven he’s not the match for me.

After all that build-up?!?

In typical Ixi fashion, she wipes away the tears and puts a fresh coat of powder on her nose.

Ixi: This has been a wonderful distraction, but I must get back to my responsibilities.

I mean… as cute as they occasionally kind of were, something told me Story Progression would have torn them apart as quickly as it did Trelilah. Something about the constant verbal abuse? Idk.

It looks like Kau, despite being a complete freak, is the only one who’ll be leaving here with a partner.

Kau: What a beautiful day for a dip!

Kau: I hope I don’t get a sunburn.

Put on a shirt, you freak.

You’d think that Kiko, having sampled a solid percentage of the male student body (no pun intended) would have found one she liked. Alas, they’re all duds—and her time is up.

Kiko: Oh god, I’m scared to look.

Well? How’d you do?

Kiko: Unclear.

She completes her studies in Science and Medicine with a C, I think.

If her degree had been in “completely dismantling the social order”, she’d be top of her class.

Harold: Hey Jeff, is there a party you forgot to tell us about?

Jeff: No. I just felt like wearing this costume, okay? Get off my back.

Harold: Oh.

Jeff: It’s nothing. My hairdresser played a prank on me.

Harold: You don’t think…

Jeff: What?

Harold: You don’t think it could be related to this lipstick thing?

Jeff: How could it be?

Miles: It’s not fair. Why does Jeff look good in everything?

Mahmoud: Hey guys, what’s up?

Jeff: Good god. She got us all.

Mahmoud: Who did? What do you mean “us all”?

Ludo: Dude. Look at your lips. Look at our lips.

Mahmoud: What are you implying?

Miles: Just rip off the band-aid.

Jeff: I’m sorry, dude, but we’ve all been played. That witch Kiko put us under some kind of spell.

Mahmoud: No way. Kiko and I are in love.

Harold: Dude, are you drunk?

Mahmoud: You’re just jealous because I got a girl that you couldn’t!

Jeff: That is literally not what’s happening here!

Ludo: Let me guess. She said you were her wonderwall.

Mahmoud: For your information, no! I don’t even like that song!

Jeff: Well, that’s it. You’re out of the frat.

Mahmoud: Seriously?!

Ludo: I can’t even look at you.

Kiko: I heard yelling.

So you came down to watch the chaos unfold at close range?

Kiko: Precisely.

Harold: So, who should we replace him with? I was thinking that Mugsy guy…

Miles: Dude. Your hair.

Ludo: What? What’s wrong with it?

Miles: It’s the same as Jeff’s!

Ludo: NOT MY LUSCIOUS LOCKS

Miles: Take a look for yourself.

Ludo: Bruh, that’s not a mirror.

Miles: Wait, it isn’t? How’d that happen?

Ludo: Omg!

Ludo: Dude, it happened to you too.

Miles: No way. Stop lying.

Ludo: I’m serious!

Jeff: Holy shit. We’re doomed.

Harold: Why do you say that?

Mahmoud: Well, I’ll leave you guys alone with your silly little games.

Aren’t you worried that the curse is coming for you too?

Mahmoud: Well, I’ll be fine, because Kiko was just messing around with the others while she and I—

Mahmoud: —had a deep and meaningful connection.

Rough life, Mahmoud. I’m serious though. EA ruined a perfectly statuesque sim with that vomit-yellow hair.

And so we leave the Chams pink-lipped, mint-haired, and questioning everything they ever knew.

Ludo: Wonderwall is just never gonna be the same for me. I need a new jam.

Miles: Don’t say that, man!

Harold: What if we just dropped out and started a frat in the real world instead?

Jeff: There are no frats in the real world, Harold.

Kiko: Later, boys.

Jeff: Also we owe this school like half a million dollars, so we can never leave.

Miles & Ludo: Y-M-C-A! ……Nah, it just doesn’t hit the same.

I genuinely don’t know how this guy hasn’t turned blue yet. Are outdoors lovers immune to temperature effects? Serious question.

Kau: I c-c-c-could d-d-d-do this all d-d-d-d-d-d-day!

Well don’t, because you have to go graduate.

This, thank goodness, finally forces him to put on clothes. I must say, I do envy his ability to be so darn excited about everything all the time.

Kau: Yayyy! Time to marry Mika and sail off into the sunset!

Yeah, um, about that. Where is Mika exactly?

Kau: Oh, she got kidnapped by yetis.

And we’re… happy about that?

Kau: Everything is great!!

We finally get clothes on one Langurd boy, and the other immediately sheds his. It’s like whack-a-mole with nudity.

Tonu: Who brought the tortillas?

This, it appears, is the final campus party before the semester ends. The Chams being too broken to do much of anything, this one’s at the sorority house.

Mahmoud: Love is dead!

When the game thinks you’re streaking but you’re actually just off your rocker.

Waverly: Daaaaaaaamn. What happened to your hair?

Mahmoud: LOVE IS DEAD.

Waverly: Tough day, huh?

With all of thirty seconds left ‘til the van comes, I figure we have one more chance to prove that love is, in fact, alive and well.

Tonu: I do my laundry in my basement.

Kyle: *ahem*

Samantha: Shit, this is awkward. Just gimme a sec, okay?

Kyle: Hey gurl, u miss me?

Samantha: Kyle… I’m talking to a legend here.

Kyle: But baby, you’re my wonderwall. Please take me back.

Samantha: Kyle…

She won’t, will she?

Samantha: Sorry Tofu, he just knows me too well.

Tonu: What a big dog!

I quite agree.

As evidenced by the commotion in the background, the final rager is not long for this world…

Cop: Party’s over, kids! I’m shutting it down.

Guest 1: Good! It was boring anyway.

Guest 2: Yeah, worst party EVER.

But the party is not tonight’s only casualty.

Cop: Hello, Mr. Yavari.

Mahmoud: Is there a problem, ociffer?

Cop: Yeah! You’re under arrest for looking like a piece of cotton candy!

Mahmoud: Is that against the law?

Cop: This is the Finger Painting College, young man. We make our own laws.

Sad reacts only, pls.

Comment for a spinoff series on Mahmoud’s redemption!

Honestly, there are far too many side characters in this place who deserve spinoffs.

Kyle: I can’t do this anymore!

Samantha: But Kyle!

Samantha: I made a mistake, Tofu! Can we please try again?

Tonu: Diamonds are forever!

Samantha: But Tofu!

YES TONU. Walk right out of that toxic situation like a boss.

Samantha: So what am I supposed to do now? Just not have a boyfriend?

Tonu: Buttocks.

Buttocks indeed.

Well guys, this is just about it. Time to collect up all the stray Langurds who weren’t cool enough for the party.

Kougra: So literally all of us but Tonu?

I guess that’s how the cookie crumbled this time.

Say your goodbyes to the Finger Painting College, everyone.

Ixi: Did we really gain anything by coming here?

Kougra: I don’t think we lost anything, if that counts.

Kiko: That’s the spirit. Speaking of which, make sure not to leave anything behind!

Dammit, Tonu.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Goodbye, au revoir, adios, arivaderci, sayonara, annyeong, and GOOD FUCKING RIDDANCE to Generation Seven!!! Never in a million years did I think I would be writing this segment for—well, a million years.

That said, this is probably the most fun I’ve had with any collection of Langurds. I’ll be sad to see many of them go, but also really not sad at all.

The heir poll will be up in an hour or two, just as soon as I do a final roundup of traits (harder than it sounds)!

Thanks for joining me on this absolute TREK, and Happy Simming!

-Sam

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