9.1 The Last Beginning
How surreal is this? A whole decade of nonsense has come down to one final era. We’ve seen some wild times, from Tewl’s philandering escapades and Katana’s reluctant tombraiding to Gumby’s space-cowboying and Siesta’s screwy robots and beyond.
But just what will this era hold, aside from the end of all things? An excellent question. While it was tempting to cop out completely, breed Whydah with the first townie she heartfarted, and finish this off in a single chapter, I am not THAT lazy. In fact, I thought long and hard about what sort of calling this purple people eater might pursue.
Whydah: The scroll hath been bestowed upon me. I am ready for my future.
Her final trait is Virtuoso, which I’ll admit I rolled for a few extra times. I mean, I can only take so much of “Easily Impressed” and “Excitable.”
That makes her final roundup Evil, Heavy Sleeper, No Sense of Humour, Natural Born Performer, and Virtuoso. Clearly a tortured soul only capable of expressing herself through heavy metal (and yes, “heavy metals” was a theme I briefly considered for her children’s names).
Her classmates think she should take the stereotypical evil route, but that feels a little predictable to me.
Her parents? Well, they’ve clearly never MET their child.
And Whydah’s own idea is the most terrifying of them all.
There are many options before us. However, as I mentioned in the end of Gen. 8, manageable is the name of the game in this home stretch. We have Whydah’s entire YA lifespan plus most of her adult one to get shit done, and by shit I mean her LTW, her future partner’s, both of her siblings’— oh, and did I mention Kau and Mika still aren’t done with theirs?
In a compromise between that philosophy and, well, NOT making this the most boring generation ever, I go down the one route I explicitly said I wouldn’t. It just so happens to be an elusive LTW that not one, not two, but three previous Langurds have locked in and never completed.
And it all starts with talking to a strange man in a park.
Whydah: Do I have to? I’m pretty sure he has fleas.
Psssh, don’t be so judgmental. And yes, you have to.
Whydah: Excuse me, sir. Are you the proprietor of this fine patch of grass?
Deandre: Uh yep, ma’ dawg an’ I live here if that’s what yer askin’.
Whydah: I suppose that works. I’d like to be a pop star please.
Deandre: Sure thang. What’s yer name, girl?
Whydah: They call me… Lady Pain.
Deandre: Pffffff! Lady Pain? Ain’t that what you womanfolk get at yer time of the mon—
Whydah: Do you understand now?
Deandre: Lady Pain it is…
And just like that, she’s on the precarious and time-sensitive path to becoming a Vocal Legend! Also yep, he definitely has fleas.
As for Pearl, she too has a bright future ahead of her.
Bright with sparks, apparently—and I don’t mean the romantic kind.
She’s already hard at work on her Tinkerer LTW, only slightly aided by the Handy trait that I locked in after six or seven rolls.
Pearl: Cheating is pretty handy.
Hey, I swear it’s only because the game keeps throwing me traits I’ve already played eighty-five times!
Last but not least there’s Sal, who graduates with his younger siblings for some reason, and gets to be the local goon.
Sal: How much bitcoin do you think this diploma is worth?
Class clown, except I know he’s completely serious with that question.
He is still discovering the ins and outs of money en route to his Swimming in Cash LTW (accumulate an additional 50,000 simoleons in household funds). This goal would be super laughable at this point in the legacy except that we handed 50k over to Kiko and Salty when they moved out, thus setting ourselves back even further.
Sal: Are we there yet?
Keep at it, dude.
Now that he’s living at the Tiny Ugly House on Beryl Shoals, he can grind up rocks to his heart’s content without disturbing anyone. Unfortunately, the isolation also brings out his true colours, aka the Insane trait I kinda forgot he had.
Sal: Shrek 2 is the worst Shrek.
Madness, I tell you.
At the back of our minds at all times is the ever-important FINAL spouse hunt. Okay, that’s a lie. It’s definitely at the front of my mind. Whydah’s first prospect is Kia Goldberg, daughter of IP townies Karlie Goldberg and… I think Harley Greenwood?
Kia: Yoooo, my parents have almost the same name.
Whydah: How very country of you.
Kia: Hey man, don’t talk shit about my family when you’re nothing but a filthy…
Kia: You know.
Whydah: Say it. Say it out loud.
Jeb: She’s a vampire, dude.
Whydah: NO ONE ASKED YOU, JEB.
Needless to say, this matchup likely isn’t going anywhere. And yes, Kyrii’s family has apparently chosen Performance Park as their perpetual hangout. Purple Jared is in the previous picture, while Jeb here is holding his youngest brother Einstein, of whose existence I am only just learning. They’re an obnoxious little brood.
Speaking of obnoxious… Sing-A-Grams. Am I right?
Whydah: ♫ If you’re dying slowly on the inside, clap your hands! ♫
Customer: That’s not the song I ordered.
Whydah: Come on man, I’m doing the most right now. Do you see these dance moves?
Customer: Needs more jazz hands.
Whydah: K, just gonna pack up my self-respect and go…
Chin up, my little Hannah Montana! You get to do romantic ones now!
Oh hey Pearl. What’s up?
Pearl: What is up? And what is down? What day is it? Who am I?
Ah yes, the chronology of this first part is a bit jumbled because my game has once again found a hobby in SPONTANEOUS CRASHING. I played through the kids graduating and Whydah joining the singer career at least twice, and little things changed each time.
For instance, Performance Park now has a new (and much easier on the eyes) proprietor.
Russell: Lady what now? You’re not on my list of registered singers. I think I’d remember a dumb name like that.
Whydah: But I talked to the guy with the fleas…
Russell: Yeah, he was squatting here illegally.
Whydah: WHAT. THAT IS SHOCKING.
Whydah: Well, I think you’re gonna like what I bring to the table. My debut single is called “Mask of Agony”.
Russell: Mmmm no, I’m gonna need you to stick to bubblegum pop. Major keys only. Seven-word choruses max. Better yet, just do covers.
Whydah: Are you kidding me?
Russell: No. This is a resort community. What do you expect?
She shows him what she thinks of that.
And then autonomously rebels by playing the most metal of all instruments in the middle of the park.
Whydah: ♫ OOOH-WAH-AH-AH-AH ♫
Bennie Collins: Excuse me, there are children here.
Russell: I’ll be asking her to leave, don’t worry.
Thus begins an amusing dichotomy where our heiress goes back and forth between goofy Sing-A-Grammer glitched into graduation robes…
Whydah: ♫ Happy Birthday to you / You smelly old fool / Your foot’s in the grave now / And your jokes are less cool! ♫
Joel: I’m thirty-two…
And the much cooler, spider-clad Lady Pain.
Whydah: ♫ Master of puppets I’m pulling your strings / Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams ♫
But only when the game doesn’t automatically change her back into workwear.
Whydah: ♫ Just call my name and I’ll hear you— ♫ Fuck, I’m wearing the hat again aren’t I?
But anyway, let’s see how her twin’s career is progressing.
Pearl: MOTHER@#$@%#ING PIECE OF @#$@%# I SWEAR TO %#@#$@#$ING !#@$@%#$!!!
This has to be either really aggravating or really therapeutic, I can’t tell which.
It’s definitely taking a toll on her joints, though.
Pearl: WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY FUCKING JOINTS
Nothing! Going now.
To check on Kau, who just needs eighteen more rescues for his next private island, and is surely having a less frustrating—
Kau: WHY AREN’T MORE PEOPLE DROWNING? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS TOWN???
The rage levels are off the charts today.
Kau: Oh hello, tourist.
Tourist: Why is the back of my neck tingling?
Tourist: WAAHHH HOLY SHIT WHERE DID YOU COME FROM
Kau: Do you require assistance?
Tourist: Yeah, I think I just had a heart attack.
Note that after the face painting booth tried to eat him, Kau is stuck with these snowflakes forever in his lifeguard swimsuit and on his floaty selection head.
It’s rather fitting given that he’s still a giant manchild.
Kau: I will never grow up!
Kau: No, what?
I thought you were excited to be a “wizened sea dog” or whatever?
Kau: Yeah, but I can already feel my eyesight going.
That’s because you’re wearing sunglasses AND an eyepatch. Indoors. At night.
Kau: Oh. Yeah maybe.
Once again, Mika is not immune to the sparkles just because her age bar says otherwise.
Mika: What is even the point of being a vampire then?
Um, for the generation title. Obviously.
I mean, look at them though. Are the vampirates not crushing old age? Unrelatedly, is Kau’s hair not even more luscious than Mika’s?
Kau: Sure is.
Mika: Wouldn’t have it any other way.
Models, I tell you. They even look cool when they’re routefailing at the basement ladder.
Mika: Could you just build real stairs—
We’ve made plenty of frivolous purchases lately, thank you very much. Including this ridiculously aesthetic telescope for Pearl to build her Logic skill on.
Pearl: Is anything more important to you than aesthetics?
No, dummy. That’s why I still play The Sims 3. 😉
On top of being adorable oldies, these two are just as in love as ever—or, well, just as in love as before the divorce.
Mika: You’re a snack.
Kau: Why thank you.
Mika: No really, I’m starving. Gimme your neck.
And just as inappropriate in front of their children.
Pearl: Hey, what are your plans later?
Sal: I dunno, I was thinking about—
Mika: I’ll tell you my plans for later…
Pearl: Welp, good talk.
Sal: Going to vomit now.
Actually, Pearl’s off to fix the TV that’s been broken for like seven chapters, because her Handiness skill is finally high enough not to worry me. And also because she is officially a spare.
Pearl: Gee, thanks.
Whatever resentment she may hold toward her station, at least she gets to vent by whacking stuff with a hammer.
Pearl: No resentment here. *breaks stovepipe in half* Whoops, how did that happen?
Not sure anyone should be jealous of Whydah at this point, though. Here she is looking a fool at her first ever gig audition.
Whydah: ♫ Killing in the name of— ♫
Russell: Remember what we talked about.
Whydah: ♫ It’s Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday ♫
Russell: Love it! You got the gig!
Five PM on a Sunday. My favourite time for a concert. We’ve got to start somewhere, I guess.
Actually, she’s kinda motored through these first few promotions. Apparently you can make a lot of quick progress if you really commit to those Sing-A-Grams.
Speaking of which—her first romantic job! And it’s a simself!
I can’t recall whom Fluffy was “trying to flirt” with, but I’m sure this made a world of difference.
Whydah: ♫ Never gonna give you up / Never gonna let you down / Never gonna run around and desert you ♫
Fluffy: I knew it!
Whydah: Now here is a reminder that everything is impermanent and love always dies.
Fluffy: Oh, um, okay.
Since we’re talking simselves, let it be known that Lady Phantom’s eldest son Darin has a thing for older women.
He marries my widowed simself…
…and then promptly divorces her for DSLady’s.
Also, probably a good thing this festered in the mailbox until after the wedding.
Mika’s quite a happy gardener these days. Not all her plants look so happy, mind you, but she is creeping toward that quota with 5/8 perfect plants. I’m just not good at cleaning out the old ones.
Mika: Plants sure are a nice hobby for an empty nester like me.
You’re not an empty nester though?
Mika: Same difference when your children don’t speak to you.
A sad but true story.
I suppose no legacy parent does get to be an empty nester, but grown children do have their uses.
Mika: Do you think Pearl will ever fix the computer?
Kau: Maybe if you asked her.
Mika: Mmm, or you could ask her…
Pearl: Guys, can you stop being weird? I’m right here. And I’m literally trying to stop this house from lighting itself on fire, so sort out your priorities, please.
In the space of a few sim hours, we have another perfect plant! This LTW, at least, is starting to feel under control.
Mika: It’s corn!
You bet it is.
A brief interlude to say that Tonu and Echo Weaver’s daughter Miranda is fully grown, and is now in the military.
I am scared.
But back to our regular programming. All this bubblegum stuff may be getting to Whydah, because I leave her busking for a few hours and come back to this.
Whydah: Oh boy, I hope I find more eggs than all the other village children!
Whydah: Oh god. It’s the hat. I swear it’s the hat.
Child: I found more eggs than you anyway.
Harley: Suck on that, Lady Pain in the Ass!
Whydah’s not only burning with embarrassment but also just generally burning, so she swallows her pride and runs off to busk in the library. Turns out, however, her young hater may be made of the same cloth as she is.
Child: I smell death.
What the hell happened?
Whydah: I don’t know, honestly. I was singing “Oogie Fever” and this guy just suddenly died.
Child: What’s Oogie Fever, Gramps?
Gramps: Clearly a deadly disease this woman is spreading.
Well anyway, RIP Javiera Batista, we literally did not know ye.
Just as we’re all coming to terms with that tragedy, in walks another.
Kougra: Greetings from the future.
Whydah: Why is she me except blue and wrinkled?
I realized as soon as Whydah turned teen that these two were basically twins, but seeing them in the same room really hammers it home. I suppose that likely makes Whydah a female Kau clone, and Pearl as well by association, which means Mika really passed down nothing but her brown hair. And that’s a whole new tragedy.
Whydah: ♫ Don’t tell my heart, my achy breaky heart ♫
The hat, Whydah. The hat.
Mika couldn’t give a shit about wasted genes. She’s the most content napper I’ve ever seen.
Mika: Just snoozing away the hours while my plants reach their full potential. It’s like waiting for Christmas morning!
I don’t know what happened, but married life really seems to agree with her this time around.
Maybe it’s because the computer’s been broken forever, and she and Kau haven’t been able to fight over the desktop for gaming.
Pearl: There are at least two laptops in this house.
Please girl, we all know that’s apples and oranges.
As are these two. I plunk down a chess table for Pearl’s LTW, and of course Whydah can’t resist playing for the dark side.
Pearl: You were the chosen one! It was said you would destroy the Sith, not join them! Bring balance to the force, not leave it in darkness!
Whydah: I HATE YOU!
Mailwoman: What is this place?
Only slightly less chaotic than Kau’s beach for the day, which is thankfully full of people and crises. Sadly, most of those are on land, which doesn’t get us any closer to his quota.
Kau: What seems to be the problem?
Lady: My friend Hinni says if I fall down, a sexy sea wizard will come and kiss me.
Kau: That would be true.
Evidently his father’s son, he gets an attraction popup for like 60% of his rescues. I also checked his relationship panel and he has like 42 friends. I guess it checks out that lifeguards are just as irresistible as guitar players.
On another note, here’s Pete living his best life.
Pete: Bitch ❤
I can’t get over how silly he looks just lying there.
But I must pull myself together—it’s time for Lady Pain’s first gig! If the local youths would show her some respect, that is.
Whydah: Could you get off the stage, please? I’m about to start a show.
Kid: Maybe I’m about to start a show. I can play the recorder with my nose.
Whydah: That’s nice.
To be honest, Whydah’s performance is about on par with a nose recorder concerto. The backdrop I pored over ends up glitching on top of the venue’s setup, creating a really confusing vibe. On top of that, none of her song options are even remotely up her dark and twisty alley.
Whydah: At least my outfit is black now.
She’s playing a dangerous game with the sun, too. The moodlet goes away at 6pm, but not without stressing me out first.
A Heartbreaker legacy founder, an outdoors-hating Seasoned Traveler, a ghost Firefighter, and now this. I really know how to pick ‘em.
She throws a “Dirty Joke” at the audience, earning a heartfart from random spectator Riley Hernandez.
Riley: I catch your drift, girl. Let’s hook up after the show.
Whydah: Oh my god, what? I’m not even into dudes.
All-Dude Audience: BOOOOOOOOO!
Whydah: Just kidding! I love men. Men are cool and powerful. Mmmm, testosterone.
All-Dude Audience: WOOOOOOOOOOOO!
That sells it, and her three-strong audience jams out pretty hard to “New Glitz.”
The rest of the parkgoers are here for anything BUT the concert. Every other seat at the picnic is free, but Einstein chooses to dine with his back to his cousin’s concert.
Einstein: My loyalty is to the dog, bro.
Similarly, Russell spends the whole show sitting on a bench facing away from the stage. Some proprietor.
Russell: Can’t hear you through my construction-grade earplugs. Also, your show was mediocre.
She rolls a wish to have a great gig, which surely we’ll get next time. Right?
And this lady has the audacity to hold an autograph session before Whydah’s even off the stage.
Kia: OMG I loved you in Midsommar!
Aislara: No idea what that is but here ya go, kid. Take it easy.
So funny story. Remember how Sal helped find map pieces for Plunder Cove, and that brought us up to six islands? At this point, I was under the impression that the total was seven, and we only had one left (Cay to the City, or the lifeguarding nightmare trek). That’s because I was working from a guide I scrawled on a double page in my notebook, and the eighth one (Plumbob Island) fell over to the next side.
Well, after playing through Kau’s whole generation, I turned the page quite by accident and looked a little something like this…
Plumbob Island also requires an EXTRAORDINARILY UNUSUAL message in a bottle, but just one this time. So we’re back to scouring dive sites all day every day.
Sal: You say “we”…
Yeah nope, it’s just you buddy. Pearl’s chained to the chess table and Kau’s dragging bodies out of the water.
Sal: Good thing I’m a bottle-finding beast then.
And Plumbob Island emerges from the fog! This only took him a few days of searching, and I’m incredibly impressed (slash relieved).
He retrieves the ultimate booty—a wad of cash, a plumbob cut rainbow gem, and a cool “Evolution of the Plumbob” wall hanging.
Sal: Would be cooler if you’d let me sell it.
Then he fishes in a puddle just to say we got our money’s worth.
Sal: There’s money in here?
Who knows. Be my guest and find out.
Sal: Eh, no thanks. I’ll just go back to chopping rocks.
So yep, this is pretty much how things are for the time being. Kau’s at 7/8 islands and is now racing the Reaper, being a vulture at every beach in town until he gets that last one. Sal’s slowly milking our gem and metal stash for all it’s worth, and Whydah’s taking on the commercial music industry while trying to stay true to her roots.
Whydah: *playing the Thomas the Tank Engine theme*
Whydah: Uhhhhh I mean— ♫ I’m going off the rails on a crazy train ♫
It’s a struggle.
Pearl is an astronomer by night, a Beth Harmon by day, and our personal handywoman whenever I feel like it.
She’s discovered a series of stars and satellites that we’ve been naming after generic tools (Hammer, Wrench, etc.). I confess, that was probably going to be the theme for her children if she was heir, which would’ve been a really full circle moment. However, her offspring probably dodged a bullet here.
Pearl: You think?
Mika needs like two more perfect plants for her LTW, so naturally she’s only now started learning to fish for fertilizer.
Mika: Here fishy fishy, come be mulch for my babies!
It’s possible that what’s really agreeing with her is not frying in the sun.
Case in point—our heiress is doing plenty of that these days, and she keeps rolling wishes to donate progressively higher amounts to undermine charity. Then again, that could just be Whydah.
Mailwoman: Excuse me— can I just—
Whydah: Sorry, there are children learning to read in Twinbrook and this must be remedied.
Edwin: Golly gee willakers!
Kau: Do you require assistance?
I popped in a future portal for completely innocent reasons, and definitely not because I searched “where are the most attractive Sims 3 townies” and found that Oasis Landing was the most popular answer. Our first visitor is the far-too-male Edwin Archibilt, a bot builder like our late heiress.
The second is Lilah Turni, a stroke of ridiculous luck considering she’s at the top of the mental list I made from SimWiki.
Lilah: What list? What’s going on?
I’ll admit, most of the appeal is in that hair and those eyes—we could create the ultimate purple sim!! It’s a shame she’s basically an off-brand Face One, though.
Lilah: I don’t like this. *flees*
That doesn’t stop Whydah from stalking her water taxi to the beach and casually setting up camp beside her. She’s in “do not disturb” mode (i.e. the game won’t let us interact with her) until she gets up, so we’re waiting it out.
Whydah: Don’t mind me, just a vampire settling in for a nice day in the sun.
Yeah… Lilah had better get up in the next three hours.
Odds aren’t looking good though. And now that I see her hair next to Whydah’s skintone, I feel like it could be a bit much.
Whydah: Are you so quick to give up on the first love of my life?
You haven’t even spoken to her yet!
Other options we considered, however briefly, include Melody Scott—illegitimate daughter of Linda Scott and Kyrii’s beau Rubisel. She offers a skintone we lack in the Langurd rainbow and a nose to rival Tewl’s. She also happens to prefer ladies.
Melody: Sorry, this nose is taken.
Indeed—by Jammie Hashini-Patel (old picture here) whose comparative lack of nose would balance out Melody’s bird beak if only genetics worked that way in TS3.
Whydah: ♫ It’s the hard-knock life / For kids named Jammie instead of Jamie ♫
Jammie: I feel so seen!
Look who’s still around! Miles went from being Kiko’s boy toy to Mika’s midlife crisis mistake, and then settled down with an old lady in a houseboat. And now he’s just a notch in Kau’s… floaty thing?
Miles: Aww man, I kinda feel bad for making out with your wife in the library now.
Kau: Hold up, what?
Mika: Come on Sherry, tell me you didn’t blab to your maid friends about that stuff I shared with you in confidence.
Sherry: Uhhhh nope, I most definitely didn’t not do that, Ma’am.
I get distracted for three whole seconds and come back to this. Whydah probably went off to Sing-A-Grams, but Lilah? No fucking clue.
Suspiciously, I do find Levi Williams from university jogging across the sand. He will only ever remind me of one of Katana’s finest moments. What did you do with Lilah, Levi?
Levi: I ate her.
Fuck. This legacy has too many past sins to come back and haunt us.
And on that note… what’s up Kau? You got two whole rescues in a single workday—you should be celebrating!
Kau: I know, but there’s a feeling I just can’t shake.
Goddammit. Can we just call it water under the bridge?
He’s stuck on the job for now at least, and hey look, it’s bring your daughter to work day!
Whydah: This is called the “Don’t Crash Other Singers’ Gigs” Sing-A-Gram.
Ainslara: Wow! What song do I get for that?
Whydah: *fart noises*
Maturity still eludes this family, it seems.
Even though they’re all a bunch of NERDS who are so nerdy they get to add another dimension to their personalities.
This one was automatically rolled for him like Mika’s Bookworm, so I kept it (partly just to see if it holds up in practice).
The Sing-A-Gram business is truly booming. Whydah’s getting calls right left and centre, especially for the romantic kind.
Whydah: ♫ You are a fucking teenager. ♫
Teenager: My parents paid you to make me feel special. You have to do what I say.
Whydah: Not that kind of service, you twit.
I guess Kau forgot about his big accusation for now. Let’s hope it stays that way. However, I think this picture was taken to show that Pearl autonomously cooks?
Pearl: Just showing you what you could’ve had if I were heiress.
Yes, but I get to have it anyway, so best of both worlds?
No, Pearl isn’t leaving us anytime soon. In fact, she gets to join Whydah on a little adventure, and she may just benefit from it as well.
Pearl: Where are we going?
Whydah: Into the giant ball of electricity to find true love.
Pearl: Huh, suddenly my high school superlative makes all the sense.
That’s it for now! Next time: will Pearl and Whydah pick up some smokin’ hot babes in the future? Will Sal get moneys? Will Kau actually confront Mika or will we continue to dodge that bullet? Find out in a day, or a week, but certainly not any longer than that if I can help it!