9.2 The Last Straw

Welcome back! Last time, Whydah became a sell-out pop star cursed to deliver Sing-A-Grams until the end of time. Pearl hit stuff with a hammer, Sal found the riddle to Plumbob Island (number 7 of 8), and Kau got wind of Mika’s long-past infidelities but did nothing about it—yet. We installed a time portal and immediately got a visit from the purple-haired Lilah Turni, a strong candidate for Whydah’s hand, but we lost her trail at Bella Vista Beach and were faced with no choice but to hunt her on her own turf.

Whydah: Turf? You mean concrete. Why couldn’t they make it a water landing?

Pearl: I mean, not all of us fell on our butts…

One thing that still baffles me in this game: no matter how many future trips I send my sims on, the pool is always their first thought bubble when they get here.

But there’ll be no dilly-dally this time. We are here for one reason and one reason only.

Whydah: Do you really think our soulmates are out there?

Pearl: No.

Whydah: And why the hell not?

Pearl: I could be wrong, but I think that would require you to have a soul.

Whydah: Touché.

While they’re prepping themselves for the hunt, I do a little scouting on my own. The first household I detect movement in is “Party Playpen”, which certainly lives up to its name. It currently houses two ladies, a lad, a bot, and one person who doesn’t live here.

The latter is Brigitte Mannin, Queen of Khaki, eldest child of Oasis Landing’s Doomsday preppers. She sports a delightful collection of traits including Unlucky, Hydrophobic, AND Technophobe.

Carmen: Girl, how are you handling the robot next to you right now?

Brigitte: What robot next to— AH HOLY SHIT

Back at the Gateway (yes, I finally looked up the name) I rediscover Kiara Taylor, another promising candidate.

Kiara: But where’s Dudley at?

Ah, yes. How could I forget that little infatuation?

Unfortunately, Whydah’s not her biggest fan.

Kiara: Hey, I made fruit parfait if you want som—

Whydah: Parfait? More like barfait, am I right?

Kiara: Oh boy.

No Sense of Humour strikes again.

While she’s hitting such social home runs, I send her straight to Party Playpen. She heartfarts Brigitte immediately, but that’s when everything goes wrong. First, I somehow chop off the tops of their heads in this shot, which bothers me to no end.

Second, Fawn Lacey walks by.

Whydah: So I came over here because I think you’re hot and I wanted to ask you something…

Brigitte: Sure, ask away.

Whydah: Would you— DAAAAAAAANG, WHO IS THAT??!

Fawn is one of this house’s actual residents. She, like Lilah, is on my SimWiki list of hopefuls. Cons include the black hair we spent seven generations breeding out of the family. Pros include basically everything else.

Fawn: Hey, I’m Fawn. And you are?

Whydah: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Carmen: They sure had some weird names in the past.

I decide to let things run their course. Whydah socializes with Brigitte until they’re bros…

Brigitte: You can join my apocalypse squad.

Whydah: Uh, thanks.

…and then does the same with Fawn.

Whydah: How are you kicking my ass so hard?

Fawn: I have to confess, the table is tilted slightly toward red’s goal…

Whydah: …

Fawn: Are you mad?

Whydah: No. I think I love you.

What to do, though? They’re both gorgeous and they both vibe with Whydah. I’ve scoured the town for Lilah and I don’t think she exists in Utopialand, so my laziness effectively puts her out of the running. But who gets the part? What will be the next phase of the audition?

Brigitte: What audition? This makes me uncomfortable.

As it probably should.

I’m trying to cover all my bases, so I send Pearl to scope out another location. It turns out there isn’t really anywhere else to look. Definitely not at the library, where her only copatron is one “Natalia Langurd”—a descendant of which present-day family member, I do not bother to check.

Natalia: Mom says I’m too young for Fifty Shades, so I have to come here and read it in secret.

Is this what Tewl’s legacy has come to??!

She takes the subway out to the wastelands and hits up a bar, where there’s a married couple and this descendant of some Isla Paradiso townies, Misty Matsuri-Greenwood.

Pearl: Wow, small world. I know your great-great-great-grandparents.

Misty: Cool! What are their names?

Pearl: Uhhhhhhhhhhhh

Misty: That was a common one back in your day, huh?

In the end, I just send her to join Whydah at the party house, where she sits contentedly social-distanced from Felix Finn. Now, this guy’s colouring is so fucking cool that I sneak into CAS and make him female just for kicks, but the result is so awful that I cancel immediately.

Pearl: Nice party, huh?

Felix: This isn’t a party. This is just a house. None of you were invited.

Pearl: My bad.

By now, I’m letting Whydah roam free to see if she’ll make her decision clear. The first thing she does is sneak up on Brigitte the technophobic Laser Rhythmicon player.

Brigitte: *tentatively reaches for laser beam* *yelps*

Whydah: Y2K!!!!!

Brigitte: NOOOOOOOO!!!

Well, Fawn’s turn I guess. My hopes are not high considering their attraction meter…

…and the fact that Fawn claims to be straight. However…

…looks like both parties are straight-up lying.

Whydah: That was pretty hot when you cheated at foosball.

Fawn: Oh, that’s not the only thing I can cheat at.

Ummmmm

Felix: Her? Really? Your names don’t even alliterate!

Fawn: So, tell me about umbrelloes. Is that what you call them? I just find ancient technology fascinating.

Okay, Mr. Weasley.

Whydah takes the high road and provides a maniacal backing track for the lovers’ quarrel.

Felix: Come on, I bet she wouldn’t buy you flowers like I do.

Fawn: I just saw you pull those out of your butt.

Whydah: ♫ Bring me to life / I’ve been living a lie / THERE’S NOTHING INSIDE ♫

Fawn goes outside to clear her head and eat a snack, but Whydah rudely interrupts with a “Make Fawn Think of Me” just to keep herself relevant.

Whydah: This is your conscience. Whydah is awesome.

Fawn: Wow, Whydah is awesome.

Whydah: You want to go home and rethink your life.

Fawn: I want to go home and rethink my life.

Fawn: Hey, so I just had a really elucidating taco and I’ve decided to go home and rethink my life.

Whydah: Glad to hear it.

Sorry, Green Man.

Whydah asks Fawn to move in, and all is well. But then…

Fawn: Let’s go meet your sister!

Whydah: You seem like you’re in a hurry.

Fawn: Why do you say that?

Whydah: I am in a glass case of emoooootiooooonnnnnnn

Oh, don’t be so dramatic. Heartfarts almost always mean nothing.

Whydah: She’s better off with Pearl anyway. Just leave me here to drown in my despaaaaiiiiirrrrrrr

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little worried.

Fawn: Omg hi Pearl I love you

Pearl: Who is this goddess and what’s the catch?

Whydah: I am.

Pearl: Goddammit.

It doesn’t help that Whydah has to run off and do Sing-A-Grams, so it’s Pearl who helps Fawn adjust to living in the past.

Fawn: I’m no expert, but I feel like this may be the moment for an umbrello.

Pearl: A what? Oh yeah, no, most of us are or were mermaids at some point, so we don’t really use them.

Fawn: Wtf, tell me more about THAT.

But Pearl, too, has things to do. So I stick a fishing rod in Fawn’s hands while I think of a better way to keep her occupied.

Paparazzi Boat: Beep beep, motherfuckers.

Fawn: This is all fine and normal.

She also gets a mini-makeover, meaning I only mess with her hair, makeup, and everyday outfit, leaving the rest of her ice-blue future garb intact. As townies go, she’s a pretty well-styled one. Her current LTW is Emperor of Evil despite a pristine trait panel of Good Sense of Humour, Loves the Outdoors, Excitable, Daredevil, and Lucky. Sounds like a lot of work; I haven’t decided if I’m keeping it or not.

Know what else was a lot of work? This garden. Look at it. Does it not look PERFECT to you?

I mean actually it doesn’t because there’s weeding to be done and the trees are growing through the ceiling, but…

…for all intents and purposes, it is the Perfect Garden and Mika has done her duty to the scorecard family!

Her counter was actually at 8/8 perfect plants well before this, but the LTW wasn’t registering so I searched online and everyone’s answer was “no sweat, you just need a ninth perfect plant” because OBVIOUSLY eight means nine and FUCK YOU EA, I am so done with the nitpicky parameters in this game.

We can only hope Sal’s LTW doesn’t pull the same shit on us. He’s officially cut and sold all of our gems except for a few sentimental ones. We’re still coming up a tiny bit short, but between revenue from Booty Hole and Kau’s hefty lifeguard stipend, it shouldn’t be long.

In the meantime, he wishes to learn the painting skill, so I exile him to the roof to train as the legacy’s final portrait painter.

Sal:

Whydah’s still got a long journey ahead, and she’s already losing steam.

Whydah: Just give me the gig. I want to go home to my smokin’ hot girlfriend before she hooks up with my twin sister.

Russell: Don’t we all.

Correction—Fawn is technically not her girlfriend yet.

Whydah: Can we fix that?

Fawn: Of course! How can I say no when you’ve honoured me with the traditional garb of your people?

Whydah: What? This is just— I mean yeah, sure. That’s what this is.

Still?

Even though Felix is dealt with, it turns out she was canoodling with the household robot on the side. We sure know how to pick ‘em.

Fawn: So what happens next in your culture? Do we hold hands and upload our feelings?

Whydah: You’ve dated a few Plumbots, huh?

Fawn: Why do you ask?

Whydah: No reason.

Fawn: How did you execute such a quick costume change?

Whydah: Perks of being a stage performer, baby.

I renovate the sleepout shed into a bedroom for the new couple, but Mika thinks it’s for her. Awkward.

Mika: What? I totally vibe with the gothcore thing. I like… beetles… and stuff.

Nice try.

Oh no. It’s Love Day? How did I miss this? I ought to have prepared better (ideally by banishing everyone to separate islands) but it’s almost over anyway, and so far so good.

Mika: Look at us! We made it through a whole Love Day and we’re still happily married. I knew we could do it!

Kau: Hahahaha yeah about that…

Hooooo boy.

Kau: You dirty Cham-kissing hornswaggler!

Mika: That was like, forty years ago!

Kau: A pirate never forgets!

Mika: That’s elephants, and also you technically didn’t know until now so—

Kau: Don’t try to mansplain your way out of this one!

Mika: That doesn’t make any sen—

Kau: YOU don’t make any sense!!!

Mika: How is he literally five?

You tell me, girl.

It’s sad, yes, and especially disappointing after such a beautiful reconciliation, but the biggest tragedy of them hating each other again is that it messes with my bed assignments on this tiny-ass lot.

Kau: No more snack for you!

Mika: Please, I can’t be expected to share blankets with this overgrown baby.

For Mika, this is merely an excuse to go back to her old ways of reading while pretending to hang out with her children.

Fawn: Goodnight, Mrs. Langurd.

Mika: That’s Mrs. Langurd to you.

Fawn: That’s what I said.

Mika: Don’t talk back to me, child.

When she’s not winning major points with the future in-laws, Fawn’s sure to be showing off her five skill points on the Laser Rhythm-a-con. I don’t know where I’ve been for all the years I’ve had ITF, but this thing sounds fucking cool. Maybe I just haven’t heard someone play it at a level higher than zero.

Fawn: Check this out, babe! Maybe we could collaborate for your next gig!

Whydah: You’re cute.

Now look what you’ve done.

Fawn: I bet Pearl would take my music seriously.

Pearl: Always. I mean, what music?

These two are constantly interacting if I don’t keep an eye on them. It’s all friendly so far, but isn’t that always how it starts?

Fawn: Did you know that sharks are extinct in the future?

Pearl: Really? How about unicorns?

Fawn: What’s a unicorn?

Pearl: Uh oh.

Best to nip it in the bud.

Whydah: Do you know how much power we hold right now?

Fawn: How much?

Oh, I don’t know, approximately… ALL OF IT. The fact that this little button to end the legacy is sitting right here is both tantalizing and disturbing. I have a terrible feeling I’ll press it by accident and just be like “whoops, the end?”

But don’t worry. We’re not there yet.

Fawn’s itching to get started on her completely uncharacteristic LTW—I suspect to prove she’s enough of a baddie for her baddie girlfriend? Idk, an innocent Emperor of Evil sounds pretty amusing to me, so for the time being I decide to indulge this nonsense.

The Criminal headquarters in Isla Paradiso is called Smuggler’s Lair, and it makes me wish more than ever that Kau had rolled Klepto so he could be that kind of pirate.

“Fawn’s boss is Dudley.” Oh, how the turntables.

He is also not evil (anymore). I assume the inside of that cave is decked out in fairy lights and all the “criminals” just hang out drinking pina coladas and playing Go Fish.

Which, tbh, sounds like Fawn’s idea of a good time.

Fawn: Rude. Why would you assume I like pina coladas?

Maybe because you also like getting caught in the rain?

Fawn: Ooh, I do enjoy that.

I think this is the first proper look I’m giving you guys at her post-makeover face. As you can see, she’s obnoxiously gorgeous. And I’ve decided I’m totally fine if the last generation has nothing but black hair, since it would be a kind of tribute to our humble beginnings anyway.

Brigitte: Or they could… not have black hair?

Damn you, Brigitte. We made our choice.

I’m lowkey tempted to pair her up with Sal or Pearl, but she runs away before anyone can make a move.

Kau’s handling this breakup about as well as the last one. Specifically, he throws himself into his work in order to spend the least amount of time possible on the home lot.

Kau: I hope the computer breaks again so Mika can suffer as I am.

Pete (casually floating by): Bork?

I can’t. Look at him in his stupid little boat.

Pete: Bort?

I miss them.

Echo: Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.

Kau: *sigh* Everyone wants a piece of this.

Echo: No really, I need help.

Kau: Everyone “needs help.”

This job has made an absolute tool of him, but it’s only to be expected. Almost everyone else is in it for “a piece of this.”

Echo: Wake up, people! This guy isn’t a real lifeguard! He doesn’t care about anybody’s safety!

Blond Dude: Over here, Mr. Pirate! Can I get one for the ‘gram?

Kau: Sure, just make it qui—

Honey: OMG I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

Kau: Thanks but I don’t really kn—

Linda: Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?

Kau: NO.

Linda: But I could really use a wish right now…

Honey: How could you be so cold?

He’s at about 25/35 rescues, so it may all be worth it in a few weeks’ time? If he doesn’t die first, that is.

Meanwhile, Whydah takes on her second gig at Performance Park! Once again, the audience is mostly Kyrii and co.

Whydah: How’s everybody doing tonight?

Jeb: Woooooooo take off your top!

Whydah: Hahahahaha get the fuck out of here Jeb!

Miraculously, and much to my relief, her heartfart of the night is not from her cousin but from Takisha Mao-Medina, who recently married Fluffy’s simself! I hate that that’s a relief in this legacy, but it is what it is. I guess Takisha’s the one we helped her woo with that Sing-A-Gram.

Takisha: Thanks for setting me up with my wife, Lady Pain!

Whydah: No probs. You should maybe find a different way to express your gratitude though.

Takisha: Oops.

The audience is vibing hard tonight. Kyrii especially vibes so hard she starts doing this spinny-jumpy thing that real people most definitely do at actual concerts, for sure. A cat sleeps through the whole thing though, which can’t be a good sign.

After the show, I realize Whydah’s never actually spoken to any of her aunts since Kiko left, so I send her to make friends.

Whydah: Thanks so much for coming to see me perfor—

Kyrii: Please beg for my approval first.

Whydah: What?

She’s somehow more famous than Whydah, probably for solving the climate crisis or something. I haven’t been keeping up with her beyond noting down the names of her children.

Figures these two were consorting while I was babysitting Whydah’s career. Nothing untoward, I hope.

Fawn: Nope. We’ve just been gazing into each other’s eyes for the past three hours.

That is literally the worst case scenario.

Quick, Whydah! Damage control!

Whydah: *physically hauls her away from Pearl*

Whydah: Come here, my little criminal.

Fawn: Oh, you heard about my new job? Are you proud of me?

Whydah: Do birds fly?

Fawn: Do they? Those are extinct in my time, too.

Whydah: We are really fucking this place up, aren’t we?

I shouldn’t be surprised that Gen. 9 is having relationship drama. Of all the children raised in this legacy since Tewl’s, they come by it most naturally.

Mika: Look what you did. I had to get a whole new bed because of you.

Kau: Because of me? I’m not the one who tongue-tangoed with every man in the library!

Mika: Eww, who even says that?

I hate them.

I don’t even direct them to do this. I guess the betrayal moodlet timed out and they haven’t made any effort to reconcile.

Kau: We’re over!

Mika: Fine. But we are never ever ever getting back together.

Kau: Never in your wildest dreams.

Mika: I knew you were trouble when you walked in!

Kau: I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling twenty-two.

Mika: What?

Kau: Sorry, I got confused.

Fawn picks perhaps the WORST TIME EVER to try and impress her in-laws by eating what can only be overflow grime from the all-in-one bathroom.

Fawn: Hey Mr. Langurd, watch this!

Mika: THAT’S MY THING

Kau: Enough! I’m surrounded by idiots.

Mika: He has a genius trait for two days and suddenly he’s better than us.

Fawn: You have a genius trait? I would never have guessed!

Kau: I beg your pardon?

Mika: You know what, kid? I changed my mind. You’re okay.

Well, at least she’s halfway there.

Marrying into this family sure is a harrowing experience for some.

Fawn: Have I made a mistake? Is it too late to back out? Is that time portal still working? Would they be able to track my scent? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH

She’s also trying to get beefy to impress Boss Man Dudley on the first day of work, though I can’t imagine his standards are very high in that department.

Someone—and by that I mean Kau—evidently failed to save Honey Hamada from her chilly peril the other day, because she’s still out here looking like this.

Whydah: Hey, I’m not entirely clear on what kind of Sing-A-Gram you called for?

Honey: Yes, it’s called the “dethaw my frozen heart and unearth me from this sandbank of despair”.

Whydah: You are my kinda lady.

At this very moment, I am informed that “a SimFest has started at Mick’s Master Karaoke.” Given that I’ve been reflexively killing these popups for eight generations, it’s a wonder I even stop to think that this may finally be relevant to us.

Whydah: Relevant? This is three people cheering for an empty stage.

Yeah, but…

The pop-up never lies.

Besides, her next Sing-A-Gram client just so happens to be here.

Whydah: ♫ Baby you light up my world like nobody else ♫

Chandell: Do you mind? There is an artist at work before us.

No lie, she has to redo her little ditty all over again because Chandell refuses to look at her the first time.

Proprietor: Apologies for the commotion in the crowd. Looks like some of our new attendees need to learn respect for their senior artists. Speaking of whom, we have a legend on the roster today…

TOFU YESSSSSS

He is, in fact, such a legend that he doesn’t even have time to grace us with his presence. He’s just a mic in the floor smashing “Wig Wig Wag” and lighting this place even more on fire.

And I don’t use “legend” lightly. This actually happened a day or two ago. Don’t I always say my sims being more likely to succeed in Story Progression than under my own watch?

But this one still has time to prove me wrong.

Whydah: Please, sir, you gotta let me get on stage.

Proprietor: After you stormed in here and tried to upstage another performer? I don’t think so.

Whydah: Okay. I really didn’t want to play this card, but Tofu Beancurd is my uncle.

Proprietor: If you think this place runs on nepotism you are absolutely COMPLETELY CORRECT, get on up there Beancurd Junior!!

Whydah: Great!

Just a little pre-show pick-me-up, heartfarting the victim for good measure.

Whydah: Thanks. I’ll dedicate my victory to you if I win.

Proprietor: Tofu Beancurd! A real treat, am I right? Now, please welcome to the stage… Tofu Beancurd’s niece!!

Whydah: Yeah, um, that’s Lady Pain actually. I’d like to sing you an original today. It’s called “Share a Womb, Not a Woman”

Whydah: *guttural death metal growl* DIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

And they’re loving it.

You wanna talk about upstaging another performer? Kick this guy out, Proprietor!

Inspector Schmoe: What? I really think it complements her vocals.

Proprietor: Wow, what a… unique vibe that was! Anyway, not that I really need to say this but…

Naturally.

Whydah takes the loss surprisingly well.

Whydah: Well, I can’t be expected to dethrone a legend in my first week on the job.

Indeed. She’ll probably have to wait until he kicks the bucket to win one of these things.

By the way, that’s Ixi over there on the left. It warms my heart that the Sevens are still out there supporting each other through old age, invisibility, and monochrome wardrobes.

Well, most of them anyway. :’)

Oh—and say goodbye to Lady Pain, everyone! This is the moment when I read Azzywoods’ comment on the heir poll and the perfect new stage name for Whydah clicked into place.

Level Four, baby! Time to hawk albums all over this town.

Back at home, Fawn is left in the incredibly awkward position of trying to keep the peace between her girlfriend’s freshly divorced parents.

Mika: Fawn, could you tell my ex-husband to turn down the volume on that ugly laptop of his?

Kau: Could you tell my ex-wife that there are a thousand other places she could read that book?

Mika: Could you tell my ex-husband there’s only one place he ought to stick that statement?

Fawn: *nervously scarfs carbonara*

Too bad Pearl’s busy discovering stars and stuff, or they’d surely be deep in conversation by now. Feel free to add any undertone you like to “conversation.”

Random Medieval Lad: Ahoy, fair maiden! Would you care to board my ship for a night of wonders?

Pearl: I’m good, thanks.

RML: Blast. On to the next dock, I suppose…

After I generously afforded Sal one (1) appearance in this chapter, I guess this is my way of showing you that he’s finally fulfilled his dreams of being EVEN MORE LOADED. Turns out we have a secret weapon (LAFAYETTE) in the coffers—a shit ton of gold and other metals I was apparently saving for some other use. It’s crazy to even think it, but in a few sim weeks none of this matters anymore, so I go nuts and just sell it all.

Boom. Two in one chapter. Am I good at this or am I just picking really easy goals good at this?

And one final note—a sighting of Kiko’s daughter Tuna! Oh, how quickly she’s grown and oh, how terribly the dice have styled her!

I pop her into CAS for a tuna-up (hehe), where I discover that her innocent birth traits (Absent-Minded and Loves the Outdoors) are now accompanied by the slightly more nefarious Ambitious and Schmoozer.

I still love her though.

We’re blessed to also catch paramedic(???) Salty and their second daughter Gabriela, who is now called Tilapia. No Kiko though.

Salty: Look, no hands!

Tuna: Don’t do that.

‘Kay, and one more thing…

Looks like Gooch has the hots for our Captain Manbaby. Idk, maybe he should go for it?

---

Yikes. This one ended up being way more chaotic than I anticipated. I have a feeling that’s just the way this whole last generation is gonna be. XD

Anyway, see you in the next one!

Happy Simming!

-Sam