9.4 The Last Melon
I use this phrase liberally in everyday life, so it could mean pretty much anything out of context. Just wait though, there will come a point very soon where it actually fits. I promise.
Last time, when we had more melons, we were quite productive. Whydah did a lot of singer stuff, climbing all the way up to Level 8. Both Sal and Mika gave up the occult life for a lame human one. Kau opened an island motel and went to live there forever, but not before ACHIEVING HIS LTW! Pearl got hers too, but it was considerably less work and therefore not deserving of all caps.
That means everyone outside of our core legacy couple have now fulfilled their dreams, had their portraits painted, and all that good stuff.
Sal: If you think you get to move on and have a family now, think again.
Pearl: I’m not delusional, Sal.
Sal: And don’t even try setting the table for four and staging a hunger strike. It doesn’t work.
Pearl: You tried that?
With Pearl’s LTW under our belt, we no longer have any use for logic.
Sal: Whoa, where did the chess table go?
Pearl: Has he always been this dense?
The only things that matter from this point forward are music and resort moolah, and Whydah and Fawn have a pretty good handle on both those things. Booty Hole had to be bumped up a half-star again, but there’s nothing a few buffet tables can’t fix. There’s also brief glitch where Fawn’s income tally isn’t rising, and I have to sell both resorts and buy them back in her name, but what actually ends up working is simply having Fawn as the active sim when pressing the “Collect Profits” button. Seriously, let me write you an essay on all the reasons I am done with this game.
Whydah: ♫ I beg to serve, your wish is my law / Now close your eyes and let me love you to death ♫
Fawn: Say, Jimminy-Bob, do you think the pretty singer ought to be a little less serious?
Jimminy-Bob: *harmonizes* ♫ Love you to deeeaaaaath ♫
Fawn: Wow, thanks for nothing.
There was a while where I felt guilty for “giving” Fawn to Whydah when she and Pearl are clearly so attracted to each other, but lately Pearl’s just kind of a dick which is great because I don’t have to feel bad anymore.
Pearl: How do you put up with her artsy bullshit?
Fawn: Maybe you should just mind your own business?
Whydah: ♫ JUST FUCKING LEAVE US ALOOOOOOOOOOONE ♫
Pearl: Okay Billie, point taken.
Our girl’s got another gig at Performance Park, fortunately at a late enough hour that we don’t have to worry about her dying. She does need a plasma fix though—and we can usually count on the proprietor for that.
Whydah: Hey Russell, we’re cool right? Wanna help a girl out?
Did you just suggest she steal blood from a place that uses it to save people? The fuck is wrong with you?
Thanks to him, she has to go on stage unsated. She’s also playing for a whole new audience (not all of whom are here for the music—looking at you, Tuna!) which has to be a little off-putting.
Or a LOT.
Whydah: If we could please not throw watermelons on the stage, that would be appreciated.
Can they even throw fruit? Is this a thing? I don’t see where it goes after this frame, and this is the first and last time it happens to her.
Probably because she has No Sense of Humour and can’t take a joke.
Whydah: Seriously, who did that? I’m not singing “Wig Wig Wag” until I find out.
This has echoes of my favourite Bad Lip Reading…
Come on, Whydah. Don’t be a JoJo.
I think we found the culprit, unless this a freakish coincidence—she queues up “slap” on Bennie Collins when the show is over.
Bennie: Great job, old friend! I love your sound. It’s so meloncholy.
Whydah: I will melon punch you in the face.
Bennie: I don’t think you understand puns.
Whydah: I will punch you in the face.
Bennie: Okay maybe you do.
Unfortunately, the action times out and Bennie never gets his just desserts, the little shit.
Karma is in Whydah’s favour though. Wig Wig Wag or no, she finally knocks “Have a Great Gig” out of its long-occupied wish slot!
There’s nothing “meloncholy” about Fawn, meanwhile. What’s got you in such a good mood this morning?
Fawn: I got to press the button again!
OH. THAT BUTTON. About five days of “Collect Profits” later, she has her LTW. Easy as pizza pie.
The sharks are swarming. Why are the sharks swarming?
Spicy: We must protect the precious.
Oh, I see. I finally sent Pearl diving to replenish her mermaid-friendly food stores.
Pearl: I’m not sure why the sea creatures love me so much. They just do.
Coral: I would die for you!!
Pearl: See what I mean?
Yeah we get it, you’re the ocean’s angel. See what they think when you crack open a live lobster with your teeth.
Pearl: Oooooh, is there a lobster?
I realize this is the first time I’ve actually sent her diving, and I’m right back to feeling kinda bad. Maybe in a spin-off universe?
Let’s not lose focus though. The aim of this chapter is to get the kiddos hitched! And I think I know just the lady for the job.
Kia: Did you say “job”? I need one of those!
Kia Goldberg is not actually a recent grad—she’s just one day younger than the twins—but is in fact glitched into robes as workwear just as our dear Whydah once was.
Kia: I was told not to change out of them until I’m employed.
You were told wrong, girl.
Romance is in the air lately. Some of my favourite propositions include this one…
…and this one. Echo’s really trying to hit all them Langurd spares.
But Sal has… er, younger… prospects (no offense, Echo). After stalking Kia to Performance Park of all places, I give him the first shot at wooing her since they share two whole traits, and lovely ones at that: they’re both insane outdoors haters.
Sal: Parks suck.
Want to know how ahead of myself I am? I give Kia a full makeover after a single interaction because I’m that convinced she’s joining the family in some capacity.
Sal: Whoa, how did you do that?
Kia: Do what? Oh, dammit. I guess I’m never getting employed now.
They continue to vibe with each other’s indoorsiness…
Kia: I mean I REALLY hate parks.
Sal: They’re the worst!
(That’s Kia’s sister Alecia back there slapping Darin Phantom-Torres, who I hear is a bit of a womanizer.)
Sal: There are spiders in my eyes!
Kia: I’m a corncob!
Russell: God, I need to get out of this place.
…but when it comes to flirting…
Sal: So would you ever wanna, I dunno, hunt the golden jellyfish with me?
Kia: Yeah, I dunno. That sounds like something you should do alone.
…either Sal’s really bad at it, or Kia’s just not feeling this.
So we ask the logical question.
Sal: By any chance, am I… not your type? Like fundamentally?
Kia: Oh yeah. Totally gay, bro.
If I paid ANY attention I would remember this.
Sal: Okay, just hold on for one second.
Sal: Trust me, just stay right here.
Sal: I love rocks. You know the smooth ones you find in like an indoor pot plant? That’s the stuff.
Kia: You want me to stay here so you can talk about rocks?
Pearl: *beams in*
Pearl: Thanks, Sal. I’ll take it from here.
Sal: Thank god. I am NOT good at smalltalk.
Russell: Look like the boy too shy! You gotta kiss the girl, girl!
Don’t look so excited, you stingy creep.
The heartfarts are flying before their hands even touch.
Pearl: I’m sorry about my brother.
Kia: I’m sorry about my brother.
Pearl: Who’s your brother?
Kia: Oh, I don’t have one.
Sal: I’ll leave you guys to it, then.
It’s everything I could have asked for.
Pearl: I can fix a TV without dying.
Kia: Mmm, tell me more.
I think it’s fairly obvious that these two are meant to be, but apparently not to everyone.
Pearl: Have you never seen two women in love before?
Dog: Are you gonna, like, kiss, or…?
Kia: I dunno, are we?
Hold that thought, because I’ve gone too long without mentioning the main character. She’s really starting to embody that pop-star stereotype, at least based on the state of her dressing room.
Whydah: How many pina coladas is too many pina coladas?
Like one, tbh.
Of course she has to crash her sister’s date, for purely vengeful reasons and not because I sent her to the wrong gig venue.
Whydah: Ooooh, you got a girlfriend? I think I love her. Can I have her? If you say no my heart will never mend.
Pearl: Go away.
Russell: You’re not here ‘til Thursday, Hellnot.
Pearl’s next move is “Friendly Yellow” flowers, not so much for the meaning behind them as for the way they look in this picture.
Kia: Smells like friendship.
Pearl: Well, what does this smell like?
Kia: Did you just…
Pearl: Yup. Pretty romantic, right?
Kia: No! You can’t just give me friendly yellow flowers and then kiss me out of nowhere! That’s so confusing!
Pearl: But I thought we were vibing…
Poor Pearl. But not really poor Pearl, because she clearly takes after her father in the misunderstanding that there’s anything romantic about surprise kisses.
Pearl: Please forgive me. I have really messed up parents.
Kia: I’ll think about it.
Whydah figures out just in time that her gig is actually at Flying V’s coffeehouse, my least favourite of all the venues. This is partly my fault for sticking it on a remote island only accessible by a two-hour boat ride. Fortunately, the safety hut still exists (and apparently functions as the front door now) so she’s able to reset her sun timer as soon as she gets here.
Whydah: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Whydah: Where is everyone?
Like I said, it’s partly my fault that it sucks. It does plenty of sucking on its own too.
Audience or no, she must begin with a disclaimer.
Whydah: Guys please, I have to request that no one throw watermelons at me tonight. It really knocks me off-pitch.
Whydah: If that’s all settled then I think we can get sta—
Bennie: Well well well, if it isn’t John Meloncamp.
She rises above like the dedicated artist she is.
Whydah: ♫ Fibbiny, hibbiny, wig wig wag ♫ Yeah that’s right. Kiss my ass, Collins.
However, it’s unclear who the winner really is here.
Whydah: Wig wig— is anyone even listening?
Bennie: You got any food in your pockets, kid? A carrot? A chicken leg? A whole steak dinner?
Kid: Are you a bum?
Bennie: Nah, I just wanna throw stuff at the singer.
Whydah: Hey you! You’re here for the show, right?
Morgan: Oooh, there’s a show? When does it start?
Bennie: Come on dude, you must be packing a whole smorgasbord in that big shirt of yours.
Kid: It’s a tunic.
Morgan: GET OFF MY CONCRETE
Whydah: Guys this is really disrespectful, can you just go home if you’re gonna talk?
Morgan: I know what we could all use. A little music!
Whydah: Okay, we’re just gonna finish there for tonight. You’ve been shit, everyone.
Well alrighty then.
Pearl invites Kia to the concert in an effort to make amends, but she routefails trying to swim here and I have to send her home. Yet shockingly, after everything, Kia comes through.
Kia: She asked me to come for dinner. I wonder what we’re having.
Whydah: Hello, dinner.
Kia: Oh, I get it now.
We could just leave Kia there and try again later, but I feel kinda bad after she’s made such a long trip, and anyway, we have Whydah to clean up her sister’s messes!
Whydah: I’m a fucking saint.
Kia: I’m not sure about this… how did you say you know Pearl again?
Whydah: Human organs.
Kia: Coooool. Cool cool cool. Um, could you just drop me off on this beach?
Sorry, but no.
Whydah: Here we are. That’ll be fifty bucks for the ride. Or Pearl can just pay me later.
Kia: That is a LOT of gravestones for such a small yard.
Whydah: Oh yeah, this place is haunted as shit.
Whydah: Now wait here just a moment.
Kia: What is it with you people?
Whydah: My sister needs all the help she can get, you see. Do you want to talk about rocks?
Fawn (mumbling): Gimme all your money…
Kia: I don’t want to talk about rocks or anything else with you, you obnoxiously glittering ball of sunshine!
Whydah: No one has ever accused me of that in my life!
Fawn (mumbling): Artsy bullshit…
No, Fawn! Don’t let Pearl get in your head!
That’s Kia’s job.
Pearl: What happened? Am I too late? Is everything ruined?
Whydah: Your date called me sunny.
Kia: Your sister BIT ME.
Pearl: I was hoping we could all just get along…
Kia: Well don’t worry, I don’t hate everyone…
Of fucking COURSE.
She joins the household, at which point I realize she’s one big walking glitch. Her motives are perma-frozen and all she does is stand in place repeatedly “capturing the moment” with her phone camera.
Kia: Can’t let those mems slip by!
Her full trait list is Insane, Socially Awkward, Hates the Outdoors, Night Owl, and Good. A delightful combination of Sal and Pearl with a teaspoon of Mika and a dash of Kougra.
She IS employed, as it turns out, at Level 1 in the science career. But as another fun effect of her glitchiness, that employment is contagious.
It somehow spreads to several unemployed members of the household, and before I know it, half the family are scientists trying to get in carpools as if this is totally normal.
Kau’s “Margaritaville” aka the Sea Dog Inn is now my escape from the madness that is the rest of this legacy.
Kau: No, it’s my escape. Get your own.
He’s currently playing tag with Hinni Hashini-Patel, one of his most frequent rescues from his lifeguard days. Which totally makes sense now that I see how she overestimates her stamina.
Hinni: I’m……. gonna…… get you…… *pant* So are we hitting the bars after this or what?
With just two promotions left, Whydah’s back on the Sing-A-Gram trail, starting with a love song for Sharla Ichtaca. The game says she’s “trying to flirt”, but we find her on a beach with her brother Gino.
Whydah: What have I just enabled?
Gino: Mind your own business.
Sharla: You can go now, bye!
Whydah: Ow, motherfucker.
She queues up an action called “get bitten,” which I’ve genuinely never seen before. This is an element of realism that I kinda don’t need in my life.
Gino and Sharla’s father(?) meanwhile just hooked up with Kougra, who WOULD wait until she was days from death to get romantic with anyone.
The great outdoors quite literally sucks today, so it’s on to some busking in the library.
Whydah: ♫ I’m just a man / I’m not a hero ♫
Samali and Miles: OH MY GOD
Whydah: I know right? That key change is life-altering.
Nope. I’m afraid there’s something even more life-altering afoot. He may be invisible again, but even Tofu Beancurd can’t escape the clutches of Death. </3
Whydah: Death?! No! A legend can’t die! WHICH ONE OF YOU POISONED HIM?!?
Miles: Trust me, we’re all as heartbroken as you are.
Whydah: IT WAS YOU! You and your toxic masculinity!
Miles: What masculinity?
I mean yeah, that checks out.
Grim: Everyone calm down! I just needed a new lounge singer, okay? I’m taking him for myself.
Vincent: That’s okay. Whydah Hellnot is my favourite singer now!
Whydah: No! I didn’t want it to be this way!
Leann: Omg, she totally killed him to become the new star in town! What a badass!
Whydah: Why would you say that?! Also thank you.
Tonu’s death leaves the town divided.
Darrin: My loyalty goes beyond the grave. Team Tofu!
Karlie: Team Hellnot!
Whydah, however, is genuinely torn up about this. I honestly didn’t think they were that close, but I guess it’s never easy losing your hero.
Whydah: I’ll dedicate the rest of my career to you, Uncle!
Awwww man. Here I am thinking my heiress is a cold stone slab of apathy. Turns out that time Grandpa died on her birthday may have spurred her to feel these things too deeply.
But she’ll channel those feelings into her art. Won’t you, Whydah?
Whydah: ♫ Carry on… We’ll carry on… ♫
That’s the spirit. This (the first time she’s worked out in her entire life) is for a career opportunity we’ve been stalling on for weeks. It doesn’t register as complete and we end up cancelling it, but at least it gets her back on her feet after such a cosmic loss.
Okay Pearl, was another heat of the moment kiss really the move after what happened last time?
Pearl: Dad always says if at first you don’t succeed…
We do NOT take advice from your father, is that clear???
Fortuitously, Kia’s cool with it this time and they’re off on their lovey-dovey little way. And Mother approves.
Mika: Get a bathroom.
We don’t take advice from HER either.
I think Pearl’s got it from here though.
Pearl: So how do you feel about rocks?
Kia: Can you guys please stop asking me that?
Pearl: How about this rock specifically?
Kia: That is a pretty nice one.
Pearl: I feel exactly the same way.
Kia: And now we are one.
Pearl: Now let me berate your ignorance.
Kia: Leave my ignorance alone!
For the last time, Pearl, insults are not a form of flirtation!!!
Pearl: But Dad says—
They tie the knot before she can mess things up again, which is a completely advisable way to begin a marriage. I force Mika to sit through it since she’s the one who rolled “See Pearl Get Married” and I love to be really literal.
Mika: Heartwarming. Beautiful. Really, so touching.
Mika: I’ve seen enough.
If my kid brought a girl home and married her in the space of 48 hours I would probably be the same.
She wanders off to reread a pregnancy book as a not-so-subtle nudge for grandchildren.
And then there’s one. How’s it feel to be the only unwed sibling, Sal?
Sal: It feels… like being stuck in cement. Alone. In Twinbrook.
Can relate, but in this case, that’s his actual predicament! Lucky Sal gets to be the last Langurd to take a pilgrimage out of the homeland, and what a destination too!
I won’t lie—this is no vacation. I’m looking for a gene pool I haven’t yet dipped into, and Twinbrook fits the bill. Sal drops into town and I immediately comb through the streets to see what we’re working with.
Mature married couple? That’s a nope.
The Gamer Dude Tri-Force? Double nope.
Nope nope nope nope nope.
Oh look, it’s who Whydah and Pearl would’ve married if they were straight! Another nope, naturally.
And BINGO. This is what we came for. Amy Bull, eyesore extraordinaire!
Amy: Oh great, another “quirky” legacy looking to marry me in ironically.
Guilty. But hey, I actually think you’ll hit it off with our guy!
Sal: Hey, I’m Sal.
Amy: You are pink.
Amy: And you thought lime green would complement your skintone.
Sal: Doesn’t it?
Amy: I think I love you.
Marc: But Amy, I thought we were ride or die!
Sal: Is that guy your boyfriend?
Sal: Are you sure?
Amy: Yep. Let’s go.
Marc: I have your name tattooed on my buttcheek!
Sal: Okay then, I guess I can do this.
She really does claim to be single. But I guess that doesn’t mean no Romantic Interests. Sorry, Marc!
Sal: Can I say something crazy?
Amy: Go for it!
Amy: Marry me, you absolute poet.
And so, two hours and thirty-seven minutes after arriving in Twinbrook, Sal is married to one of its residents.
Just look at that portrait. Three happy couples… and then there’s Kau and Mika.
Even if time didn’t stop for travel, Sal would be on his way back with his new wife before most of the others are likely even awake.
Amy: So what’s your family like?
The game still thinks this is the front door, even though I swear I fixed that a long time ago. As such, the new couple presents themselves to a sleeping Whydah.
Sal: I’M HOME, EVERYONE! I proposed to the first girl I met in Twinbrook and now she’s my wife! …Oh god, I just realized how crazy that sounds.
Amy: Too bad, you’re stuck with me now!
Whydah: Bravo, brother. Now get out.
Amy’s Langurd makeover is even more minimal than Fawn’s. She gets new hair and makeup, but honestly… her outfits are plenty Langurd already.
Amy: What is that supposed to mean?
Not answering that. Here, a trait dump because I can and not because I really need to at this point! Amy is Absent-Minded, Clumsy, Excitable, Charismatic, and Artistic. Her LTW is Fashion Phenomenon which makes ALL the sense and is also completely irrelevant to us.
I’ve been referring to Whydah and Fawn as married for most of this chapter, but they’re actually the last ones to get hitched. Fitting, since it’s a generation of lasts, and even more fitting that Whydah waits ‘til they’re caught in the rain to pop the question.
Fawn: Where are the pina coladas?
Whydah: I have something better. Uncle Tofu, this is for you!
Fawn: You’re giving this ring to your dead uncle? I’m… I’m sure he’ll love it?
Whydah: No no, not like that. I just hope he’ll be proud of me when I marry you!
Fawn: Marry m— ohhhhhhhhh.
They seal the deal right there and then because I have exactly zero grams of patience left.
Fawn: Can we still have pina coladas after this?
I don’t think they get those pina coladas, but they do get a heartfelt congratulations from Pearl. Or the intent of one, at least. And it’s only directed at Fawn.
Oh Pearl, you tragic clown.
WHAT A GREAT TIME TO HEAD TO MARGARITAVILLE.
Kau’s been absent for a plethora of milestones now, but you can bet he still brags about them to the bartender.
Kau: Yup, all my children are married now.
Bartender: Cool. How old are they?
Bartender: You don’t know, do you?
Kau: Don’t you have bottles to polish?
Finally, I regret to inform you all that despite our swift progress, another Langurd has beat us to producing the first tenth-generation child of the bloodline. And it’s Jarred.
Wheeeeeeeew. Another post coming at you from the Chair of Pathetic Losers, which is a surprisingly productive place to be. I’ve forgotten how much being ill sucks, but I’m mouth-breathing my way through these final posts and nothing can stop me.
With all three kids married off, it’s just a final push through Whydah’s LTW and then we’re into the final phase of this thing! A move, perhaps? But where to? And who will be left behind??!
Find out uncomfortably soon.