9.6 The Last Goodbye

Well, friends…

THIS IS IT.

My “last melon” joke would normally come in clutch right about now, but I went and spent that in 9.4, so here we are about to finish a decade-long legacy with nothing to diffuse the cloud of emotion hanging over us.

I will not lie—this is a huge moment for me. My first legacy attempt was roughly SEVENTEEN YEARS AGO. I’ve known since about Gen. Three that I’d finally hit the magical formula with this one and would finish it one day, but until a few months ago I hadn’t really considered what finishing would look like. Writing this thing has been at times tedious, often therapeutic, and mostly just a complete clusterfuck, but I can safely say it’s one of my favourite things I’ve ever worked on. Saying goodbye is both incredibly satisfying and an immense shame. Bittersweet, if you will.

But let’s be real. This moment isn’t for me. It’s for all of you! Whether you’ve stuck with the Langurds since their “Most Inospishus Beginning” or you boarded the rollercoaster somewhere along the way (do not condone; very dangerous) you helped bring this ridiculous story to life, whether you like it or not. So before we dig in, I offer my gratitude from the bottom of my heart (excuse the cat hair) to all you readers, lurkers, likers, commenters, followers, and fellow legacy attempters. You are quite simply the best, and that’s all there is to it. THANK YOU for joining me on this ride! ❤

*ahem*

At the end of the day though, these idiots aren’t going anywhere. In the vein of “Hogwarts will always be there to welcome you home,” The Dysfunkshinul Legacy will forever be on the internet to make you laugh at dumb jokes and remind you what a comparatively decent person you are.

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So here we go. We last saw the clan in Isla Paradiso with all their LTW’s wrapped up, their real estate sold off to fossil fuel companies (hopefully untrue), and their relationships mended after some big ol’ drama went down between Pearl and Fawn.

At this point I pack up the essentials, sell the house, inform Butler Becky that she’s out of a job and a home, and leave her stunned and stranded on Pirate Island while we jet off to…

…Sunset Valley! DSLady called it in the comments and narrated my entire thought process, including all the timeline fuckery that makes this a terrible idea. But come on. You know I love a full circle moment almost as much as I love kicking cans.

Btw, the town didn’t actually welcome us with terrible weather—nor did the Langurds get to arrive in such style. I nabbed this screenshot from later on just to get a jump start on ruining the timeline. 😀

Here they are at their final destination: the very same 15 Summer Hill Court that Tewl once inhabited. This collection of freaks doesn’t belong anywhere near the Valley of Normativity, and yet here they are: pink, purple, undead, aquatic, piratical, and… Twinbrooky.

Whydah: I think we just regressed several decades.

Fawn: Is this The Sims 2?

Also, Dusty’s squirrels of sadness came with us?

All things considered, a relatively harmless side effect of a move that took multiple real-life days. We had to use several time travelers to restore all the missing portraits.

Lira: Hurry it up, sonny. I am needed on my throne.

Kougra: Why would you make me relive this?!

Crash: 😡

This was supposed to be a comical revival of some old faces but instead it reminds me of the “Fallen Comrades” segment on Survivor before the final tribal council. All we’re missing is the torches and the emotional music. D:

They’re not all fallen, though. The real Kougra was still alive when we left Isla Paradiso, so I brought her along and plunked her somewhere in the Valley. In other words, her former self REALLY fucks up the timeline when she comes to deliver her goods.

Kau: Who’s this young firecracker who’s come to stay with us?

Pearl: Dad, don’t…

He does.

So anyway, here’s the new place.

I grabbed the lot from an old Dragon Valley save, preserved the mausoleum but painstakingly bulldozed the house that took me 70 hours to build once upon a time, and built a new one in its place. Yes, they easily could’ve afforded to buy the old one back, but a) it wasn’t worth the routing drama and b) anything to stave off the end of this thing, you know?

Behold, the final home of the Langurds! I definitely convinced myself that that missing chunk of paint was just a weird shadow, and now I feel silly.

I was going for something vaguely Victorian Gothic, but less decrepit and more Sunset Valley. I also didn’t want to spend 70 hours on this one, so half of it is half-assed. What does that work out to? Three-quarter-assed? Yeah, that sounds about right. This house is three quarters of a butt.

I also completed the Heirs’ Forest I started loooooong ago and never spoke of again! I had trees for everyone up to Gumby, but I think I accidentally deleted his so I took some licence in replacing it. I’ll elaborate on all of them later, but everyone is now accounted for—from Tewl’s “Creepy Tree” (perfectly dwarfed in this picture by Razor’s Chinese Maple) around the circle to Whydah’s Purple Plum.

Also, the restoration of the portraits and heirlooms was successful except that these…

…turned into these.

Nothing could save them, so I treated the ice goblins as another windfall and sold them. For the record, we paid to buy back the crypts and their contents, with the new (functional) portraits being the only thing we got for free. We’re still clearing the 2 mil mark by enough of a margin that I decided not to worry about that.

We say goodbye immediately to Amy and Saladin, who are off to pursue whatever dreams I didn’t dictate for them, which hopefully includes having children because I gotta see that combo.

Amy: Yeah, yeah. We’ll mail you pictures. Byyyeeeeee!

What good little spares they are.

And now, time to get everyone inside before our heiress is a pile of ashes in the front yard.

Whydah: Ooh, I can vibe with this.

Kia: Wanna keep telling me I didn’t marry into a cult?

I suppose it’s a little culty.

I didn’t take shots for a proper house tour, but I figure these fools can give you a look around as they go about their business.

Whydah: Welcome to my house. It cost nine trillion dollars.

False. This build was about 300k. The best (and least practical) part is the at-home open mic stage that I built as an homage to Whydah’s singer days.

Whydah: What do you mean my “singer days”? I’m still going strong, baby.

T’would seem the stage isn’t big enough for that head of hers, so she has to perform just to the left of it.

Also note Mika and Kau STILL not interacting.

Mika: Leave it alone. We’re just not on the same wavelength anymore.

And Pearl—how the hell is Pearl still allowed to live here? Well, I realized she’s just shy of 100,000 lifetime happiness points, and there’s a singular legacy point on the line. Actually two since Fawn is in the same predicament. Probably because they’ve spent their lives pursuing ALL THE WRONG THINGS.

So for about half this chapter, I’m indulging their every whim that DOESN’T involve adultery. Feels like a convoluted kind of reward for what they did last time, and I don’t like it.

Pearl: You’ll like it when all your appliances are unbreakable.

Well yes, it’s not an entirely raw deal for me.

Pearl’s working on “upgrade 20 appliances” or something like that, but Fawn? She never gave up that dream of getting beefy. Happily, Kau has nothing to do except train her, so this also gives her a chance to finally get in his good books.

Kau: Trees are people too!

Fawn: Trees are people too!

Kau: Vive la recycling!

Fawn: VIVE LA RECYCLING!

If anything, at least Kau’s training keeps her away from dangerous actions like this one (which I violently cancelled).

And look, he’s got us covered on both sides!

Kau: Wow, what brilliant aim! Did I tell you about the time I almost got a bullseye?

Pearl: Only eighty-five times. Can I go talk to Fawn now?

Kau: Absolutely not.

But don’t worry, he still has plenty of time for his own endeavours. From innocent…

Kau: FEEL THE BURN!

…to not-so-innocent…

(They chatted online; he, being a man, jumped to this.)

…and from there to downright ridiculous. You’re ninety-nine, dude! You have seven traits! You discovered and owned most of a continent in your lifetime! Can we chill?

Kau: Sorry, what can I say? Can’t fight that genius trait.

Little “genius” takes to gaming in the chamber I built to house his ashes, which is both thoroughly unsettling and a little poetic.

Coincidentally, that’s his daughter’s entire aesthetic.

Whydah: Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,

Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;

But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,

And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, “Lenore?”

Kia: Lenore?!???

I made the stage longer so she could do her music up there, but now everyone has to walk up and over it when they cross the house, and it’s a royal headache. Doesn’t mean I’ll put it back though.

Whydah: ♫ Alas my love, you do me wrong / To cast me off discourteously ♫

Kia: Haha how are you still so bad on that thing?

I know, right? It’s palatable, but given how often she whips this thing out on her own, she really ought to be higher than Level 5 by now.

It’s almost like she’s spent her whole life training her voice or something. Speaking of which, she’s not retired yet—largely because it doesn’t seem like she’s able to? She can “register as retired” at City Hall, but that just replaces her career and makes her pension zero. I’m not sure if this is a product of moving worlds or just the way Showtime careers work, because hey, guess what? Still a noob.

She does take this opportunity to create an entirely new stage persona, since no one here has heard of her before.

Whydah: Yo, what up SV? There’s a new rap god in town and her name is Purple People Eater! But you can call me PPE.

Simis: Personal protection equipment?

Natalia: Aren’t you that emo kid from Isla Paradiso?

Whydah: Dammit.

It would help if we hadn’t brought so many townies with us. This one is her cousin Jarred’s wife as well as Kia’s sister.

PPE finds herself in equally sticky situations with her new audience, like bodyrolling in front of her great-x6 stepgrandfather, Leighton Sekemoto. That “step” only makes this slightly less uncomfortable.

Whydah: ♫ Call me when you want / Call me when you need / Call me in the morning, I’ll be on my way ♫

Leighton: I think my son Sam would be into this.

Um, he’s a toddler in this timeline so NO.

And being completely ignored by Tewl’s first girlfriend Erin Kennedy!! In the very same place they met all those years ago!

Erin: I sense this is the day I will meet my beloved Edwurd.

Sorry, alternate timeline. Though I daresay you’re better off for it.

But at some point I realize how pointless it is for her to keep working, and she retires (unofficially) to drink tetrapak blood in a gothic chair.

Whydah: *contemplates existence*

Until I send her to a house party with all the white dudes of Sunset Valley. Haha just kidding, there are way more of them than this.

Thornton: What a banger! I love Twenty One Pilots!

Whydah: That’s it. It is my duty to rescue this party from certain destruction. *pulls out guitar*

Connor: Actually, it’s getting pretty late guys.

Mika has FOMO as per usual and rolls “Attend a Party,” but by the time she gets here everyone but Whydah has gone to bed.

Mika: Seriously? It’s nine!

Whydah: Sorry Mother. These guys were a lost cause anyway.

Then it’s back to the warm embrace of her cold, dead vampire wife.

Whydah: Just how I like it. ❤

Pearl, meanwhile, travels across the land on her quest of fulfillment. She also breaks the golden rule of NO TOUCH THE UNICORN.

Pearl: I’m barely even a Langurd. Smell me and you’ll see.

Unicorn: Girl that’s the ripest Langurd I’ve smelled in years.

Pearl: What?!

Unicorn: Betrayal and adultery with notes of rage and entitlement.

Pearl: Okay okay, I didn’t need like a breakdown.

Unicorn: Please go home and rethink your life.

She does. Her next wish is to learn the mixology skill.

Pearl: Maybe drenching myself in tequila will mask the scent?

I finally get you overalls and that’s what you want to do to them?

Pearl: Isn’t that kind of the point of overalls?

Arguably no, but whatever. You do you.

Inevitably, bathing in tequila gives her the urge to bathe in seawater. I’m stumped for a second before I realize we have a beach right behind the lot!

Pearl: Mmmm, would we call this a beach?

As someone who went from the Australian coast to the Great Lakes, I wholeheartedly sympathize.

As for Dusty—whoa, mindfuck. What is Dusty doing here??!

Dusty(?): Joke’s on you for thinking I could ever die.

Not that I wouldn’t believe it, but this is in fact Kyrii’s son Jeb. Strange how it’s hard to spot faceclones until they have faceclones of their own.

I would like to take a moment to congratulate Echo on being the last surviving simself! Not because the others all died, but because she happened to be living with her Langurd daughter and thus got to tag along on the move by default.

Whydah: Congratulations, you win!

Echo: What? No, I’m here to talk about your aunt and my daughter. We need to have an intervention.

Oh. Yeah, that’s not cool.

Speaking of “not cool”…

Fawn: You use that segue an awful lot, you know.

Oh really? You think you can do better?

Fawn: I do, actually.

Inspired by my inadequacy, Fawn’s newest wish is to write a book. So she does—in less than a day, because that’s how it works and the rest of us just aren’t trying hard enough. Then she wants more royalties, so she churns out a second.

Both are concerted efforts to convince her wife that she, too, can be a villain.

She spends so much time computering that she becomes a Computer Whiz! Jeez, with all the nerds in this family, you’d almost think Acara had taken over Gen. 8.

She rolls this next, and I can only laugh.

Fawn has small dog syndrome and no one can convince me otherwise.

Even Whydah, who is actually evil, knows that her fights are best fought from behind a screen in the comfort of someone else’s home.

Whydah: Oh, this isn’t a fight. This is war.

What are you playing?

Whydah: Finger DDR.

And Kau, who used to fight actual sharks, now just plays pretend with his future grandchildren’s toys.

Kau: Shhhh, don’t make any sudden movements. I’m wrangling a croc here.

He may or may not be losing his marbles.

He’s also taken on Mika’s habit of reading in occupied bedrooms. Seriously, can you go use someone else’s lights to flaunt your genius trait?

Kau: I’m just curious is all.

About what?

Ouch. A case study, I suppose. Far be it from me to shut that down.

Besides, Whydah’s just as bad for disturbing sleep. She seems to think her violin is soothing enough to be a lullaby?

Whydah: *playing the Lavender Town theme*

Fawn: *having actual night terrors*

That or this is her stealthy revenge for the cheating fiasco.

On that note, things around here are about to get 1000% less awkward. Somewhere in amongst offending unicorns and drowning in booze, Pearl finally breaks 100k! So I grant her and Kia a TFB before they leave us.

Kia: I can’t wait to never see your family again.

Pearl: Does it have to be never?

Kia: Unless you want to find yourself a new wife, YES.

Did I say “leave us”? I meant upgrade the rest of our appliances so we never have to hire a repairwoman again.

Pearl: Seriously?

Sorry not sorry. This is what you get for trying to blow up the legacy.

Pearl: Fine. Keep me here. I’ll just have this baby in the main household and then the legacy will be over on MY terms.

Pearl: Hi! Yes, I need a taxi. My address? Oh, you know the place. It’s called THE DEPTHS OF HELL.

She leaves us at 58 years old with 100,284 LTH points. Really just scraping the threshold there.

She gets a puppy named Ben Ben and becomes a soldier, which sounds about right.

She does not, for the record, stop kicking this can.

Now, please allow me to deliver the killing blow on that timeline by lumping all the SP updates into the middle of the chapter.

First (and I mean that loosely; there is no order here), Kia “fathers” a baby boy! His name is Bernardo (which I’m too lazy to fix) and he’s pink.

Salamy’s daughter Kacey changes colours a few times, and I think ends up a sort of pale grey? They get pregnant again shortly after.

Tuna pops out a fourth (technically second) tenth-gen Langurd with her emo husband.

Her sister Tilapia, who was forced to split with her boyfriend when they left IP, rebels by dating Teen Tewl.

The girls’ father lasts about a week in Sunset Valley before kicking the bucket.

The same goes for Kougra, thankfully putting an end to that torrid affair with her niece.

And finally, I guess Natalia split with Jarred because next thing I know, she’s dating our man Christopher!

The timeline right now:

And who does Jarred hook up with just to really stick it to his ex-wife?

Um, his brother.

I’ll admit, I turned a blind eye to Kougra and Miranda because they were both old and childless, but this I shut down immediately. Not by breaking them up but by quietly informing them via MC Family Tree Editor that they are, in fact, siblings, and letting them do the math on their own.

I do wish I could have caught that moment on camera.

Instead, all I catch is a glimpse of this despondent spare. U good, Sal?

Sal: People keep telling me I remind them of some asshole they knew in another life.

Huh, I wonder who that could be? Welp, gotta go!

Every few generations, I decide that getting laundry machines is a good idea. Note to self for future projects: IT’S NOT. Especially when your sims keep dropping their pants in the most remote corners of the crypts.

Whydah: My apologies, Great Grandmother, on behalf of whoever had the audacity to undress in here.

That’s very respectful of you, but I can confirm that Cal would be the last person to care. XD

The culprit could be literally anyone. As you know, Kau likes to hang out in his own post-mortem shrine. And Fawn thinks this is where her laser rhythmicon skills will be best appreciated.

Fawn: Helmet Guy is my number one fan!

Mika, for her part, is obsessed with the rocking chairs. Or maybe with the people in them…

Mika: You know, Kau and I are doner than done. What do you say we finally give this a try?

Dusty: No can do. In the afterlife, I have finally reminded my wife that I exist.

Mika: Lame.

She moves on very quickly—to Lira’s old toy machine! Man, this thing was such a disappointment, but heirlooms are heirlooms.

Mika: I have created an heirloom.

Some might throw this in the trash and try again, but nope. This is going straight to the nursery.

She then tries her hand at Lira’s other favourite thing—the CLAAAAAAAAAAW. She pulls some cash, I think. What a good little grandmother setting her grandkids up for the future.

Or some of her grandkids anyway. This is Pearl still pregnant with little spare Bernardo, and being publicly humiliated by her own twin because this Sing-A-Gram opportunity was too good to pass up.

Whydah: Hey, I heard you were pregnant and I just wanted to pass along my blessing!

Pearl: Why do I have a bad feeling about this?

Whydah: ♫ MMMBOP, BA DUBA DOP / BA DU BOP, BA DUBA DOP ♫

Pearl: Mmmstop, please.

Whydah: ♫ WHOA WHOA MMMBOP! ♫

Pearl: Seriously, everyone is staring…

Just then, I get this notification that 100-year-old Kau is now a fit-and-fighting marathon runner!

Approximately three seconds later, he dies mid-workout.

Kau: Aww man, I had at least five more miles in me!

Grim: Doesn’t look like you have much of anything in you now.

Kau: Guess not, eh?

Whydah: Don’t go, Father! We’re just about to give you grandchildren!

Mika: Can I get that in writing?

Kau: Please, just let me stay and finish my workout!

Fawn: You mean stay and meet your grandchildren?

Kau: No!

Grim: Has he always been like this?

Mika: Couldn’t tell you. Haven’t spoken to the man in weeks.

What a sad, sad note to go out on. Kau “I had five miles left in me” Langurd may have imploded his marriage twice, narrowly missed being a grandfather, and never matured mentally beyond the age of six, but boy did he do a lot of things! I mean, remember when he found all those map pieces? Oh wait, most of those were Sal and Kiko. Well, remember when he earned the merfolk’s trust and they shared their secret island with him? Yeah, also Kiko. But, at the end of the day… who else could inspire such TEAMWORK if not a true captain?! I guess we could mention the 35 people he saved from drowning, the shark whose ass he kicked, and the three pretty great children he leaves behind, but we wouldn’t want to make him sound too cool.

He walks the plank with a moderately impressive 250,763 lifetime happiness points at exactly 100 years of age.

Ahoy, Cap’n Kau. May you feed the fish well.

The departure of our Gen. 8 king leaves everyone pretty torn up. *ahem* I said it leaves everyone PRETTY TORN UP, FAWN.

Whydah: Are you laughing right now? When my father just died?

Fawn: Nooooooo…

Whydah: What the hell? You totally are!

Fawn: I’m sorry! I just remembered something really funny.

Mika: Me too. His face.

Assuming I have my timeline right (and that’s a riiiisky assumption at this point) Kau dies on Spooky Day. This not only puts him in league with Gumby, but also gives his family an excuse to party it up before his body’s even cold.

Whydah: Oh how I love to forget.

So does somebody else. Namely, whoever owns that puppy.

Ben Ben: Help me. Where is my bed?

It’s Pearl, of course. Pearl owns that puppy.

Whydah: Hey Kia, isn’t that your ball of fuzz sleeping in his own urine?

Kia: Hmm? Oh, yes. That’s Ben Ben. Isn’t he cute?

Ben Ben: Y’all should have just gotten a pet rock.

While Ben Ben continues to be neglected, someone else is getting more attention than they bargained for.

Pauline: I got you these flowers, Tewl! I promise I they’re not drugged this time!

Sal: For the last time, I don’t know who this “tool” is but I’m not him!

And in other blasts from the past, Whydah discovers Lira’s tea set and it’s more than a little uncanny.

Lira: Now hold it delicately, like as if it were—

Whydah: –my own child?

Lira: Oh, no, darling. Far more delicately than that.

Somewhere, Gumby is crying.

Nope, false alarm. That’s just Whydah and Fawn.

Whydah: I miss my father so much! He was my hero!

Fawn: Me too!

Whydah: Nice try. You can’t make up for that laughing fit now.

She can try, though. Even as she heads off to ANOTHER party at Pearl and Kia’s. The funny—yet somewhat predictable—thing is, Pearl always invites Fawn and Kia always invites Whydah. Whom they actually GET, however, is up to my discretion.

Fawn: I’m not sure if you heard, but our father-in-law just died…

Kia: Oh, I heard.

Fawn: It’s just been so hard, you know? He was such a cornerstone of all our lives.

Kia: Uh-huh.

Sal (window creeping): Aww, I’m glad this has brought everyone together!

Fawn: I just hope we can make him pr—

Kia: HOW DARE YOU SHOW UP HERE YOU MISERABLE HOMEWRECKER

Sal: I can’t see, are they hugging?

Drama or no, it is rather heartwarming—in light of recent events—that Gen. 9 makes an effort to keep in touch.

Pearl: Hey Amy, thanks for coming! Isn’t this nice?

Amy: Uhhh yeah, did you see our sister-in-law get wrecked by your wife just now?

Pearl: Doesn’t even faze me. Pregnancy hormones are great!

Amy is a no-nonsense little ball of fire and I love it.

Amy: Don’t even think about creeping, Xander. She’s married! And pregnant!

Xander: What? I’m great with kids!

Amy: Boooo, what a bunch of sleepyheads! You call this a party?

I’m also veeeeery confused. Because THIS is Jeb? But he was an elder just a few days ago? Sunset Valley, what are you doing?

Fawn: Maybe I’m expecting too much, but I thought there was gonna be like… food and stuff.

Sal: Uh yeah, Pearl and Kia don’t even feed their dog…

Fawn: I see. Guess I’ll bring a sack dinner next time.

Honestly, just not going is the better choice here. Whydah opts for that, and it inspires her to work out for the second time in her life!

Whydah: Father would be so proud!

It fully checks out that she gets closer to people after they’re dead than she ever was with them in life.

Take her relationship with Mika, for example. Even Fawn’s on better terms with the former matriarch.

Mika: Hey, I just read your Captain Evil books. They weren’t completely terrible.

Fawn: You have no idea how much that means to me!

I just gotta say for the record that this woman has been one of the joys of this legacy. She’s so Langurd it hurts. Just look at her meticulously barbecuing those tofu dogs. ❤

Mika: I’m gonna pretend you didn’t stage this ‘cause I’m feeling pretty special right now.

As you should, and thank you. 😀

OH COME ON. KICK ME WHILE I’M DOWN, WHY DON’T YOU.

I’m already all kinds of emotional, and then I find Kau’s precious crocodile toy in the middle of the nursery floor?

But I’m not the only one. Everything okay, Mika?

Mika: …

Hello?

Mika: …………What kind of idiot keeps a dollhouse anyway???

Chins up, guys. We just have to keep it together until Fawn makes up the rest of her LTH points—and all she needs is to max out her laser rhythmicon!

And there it is, babyyyyyyy!

Fawn: Do you think Whydah will jam with me now?

Honestly, I’d steer clear. It’ll only hurt her ego when you’re better than her.

Confirmed—she’s a serious musical badass now. But WHO CARES WHEN IT’S FINALLY TIME FOR BABIES?!?!?

Mika: Did somebody say “babies”?

Whydah: Are you freaking kidding me?

…

…

…

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?

Whydah: You can’t take her! She’s just about to get the grandchild she’s waited for!

Grim: Girl, you’ve been “about to” procreate for the last twenty years.

Whydah: That’s not true!

Mika: That is a hundred percent true.

And so our dear Mika leaves us at 105 years of age with 171,576 LTH points, in what will HOPEFULLY be the final death of the legacy.

Fawn: But what if it isn’t?!?

Dear god don’t you dare even put that in the universe.

Whydah rolls this immediately, cementing my theory once and for all. I mean, they were acquaintances at best.

Grim: Hey, mind if I get a pic before I go? My, uh, niece is a big fan.

Whydah: I am a garbage person for this.

Yup.

Now please, please, PLEASE make more garbage people!

Whydah: Well? Should we do this?

Fawn: I dunno, it feels a little weird to do anything with Death in the house…

Dude, don’t you have places to be? Souls to collect and all that?

Grim: Oh no, I’m good. Little Johnny doesn’t drown until tomorrow.

Dart: Plonk.

Grim: Aww, come on!!

Gumby is that you???

That dart throw was probably not a good omen for what’s to come.

Whydah: Are you ready to end this thing?

Fawn: Oh boy, I can’t wait!

Whydah: ‘Kay, all done.

Fawn: We did good.

Um, no you didn’t. Where’s the lullabye?

Whydah: Oh, you wanted a lullabye? You should have said so.

It’s fine. Just try again.

Whydah: Twice in one day?

Fawn: Ugh, that’s just gross.

GUYS.

Welp, I guess we’re waiting until tomorrow. I shouldn’t have expected any part of this to be easy.

Take two.

Whydah: O Great Legacy Gods, please bring an end to the scourge that is this family.

Success. It’s official. Only seventy-two hours to go.

Aww, and our final nooboo was conceived on Snowflake Day! Again, if my timeline is even remotely correct.

Now that there’s nothing left to do but wait, I mostly leave these two on autonomy. It turns out all they ever want to do is spam each other with romantic interactions.

Whydah: I am glad you are here with me. Here at the end of all things.

Fawn: Is that technically a romantic line?

Whydah: Don’t you dare try to tell me it isn’t.

But Pearl throws a Snowflake Day party, so of course they have to attend that. Amy’s here again, along with Xander Clavell and Tuna’s husband Dominick.

Bernardo had a birthday and is a colour-clone of Pearl. And Ben Ben survived to adulthood only for his owners to realize they adopted an opossum, not a dog.

But hey, they still let him roll around on the floor with their toddler.

Oh, but it’s Fawn who’s behaving inappropriately. Thanks, Bernardo, but I’ll but the judge of—

SEVEN FUCKING HELLS.

Fawn: Why would you throw a swimwear party at the tail end of winter? And when you don’t even have a pool?

Pearl: I think you know why.

Fawn: Do I?

Emma: Wow, and you thought Xander was the problem.

It’s some small grace that Whydah isn’t here yet, though Kia gets the full brunt of the betrayal.

Kia: I told you not to invite that bitch.

Pearl: Yeah but I just feel like unreasonable for you to ask that of me.

Kia: NO PEARL IT’S VERY REASONABLE AS YOU’VE JUST PROVEN.

Fawn: Should I go, or…?

She doesn’t. Instead, she earns another admonishment by taking that plasma juice out of the refrigerator.

Then Whydah shows up, and her “Greet” interactions with Pearl are replaced with “Introduction” ones, and that’s when I realize that these two are dead to each other.

Well then, it’s a good thing Whydah loves dead people. 😉

Whydah: Hey, I’m Whydah. Pleased to make your acquaintance.

Pearl: Pearl. Likewise.

Whydah: Say, Pearl, how old are you?

Well, something got fucked up here.

Seriously, you two?!? Just keep your hands off of each other! How hard is it, really?

Fawn: I can’t believe your mom died… I just had to brag about my gamer skillz one more time and we would’ve been BFFs…

Pearl: You poor thing.

But it’s okay, because Whydah exacts a silent revenge by getting puke all over Pearl’s toilet.

Whydah: Think you can mess with my relationship again, huh? I’ll show YOU a mess.

But it turns out that’s just a drop in the ocean of this particular mess.

Whydah: Isn’t Pearl supposed to be a handywoman?

Uh, yup.

I regret to inform you that that’s the last you’ll see of Pearl and the rest of the spares. Now it’s back to home base until this thing is over so that no outside forces can interfere!

*two seconds later*

Aphpo: I heard your human rolled an alien WooHoo wish again…

She died yesterday, man.

Aphpo: Curse my slow-moving spaceship!

And then I spot this loser from the other side of the lot. No music, no warning, just little old Twyla Summers coming to rob us blind in the last 48 hours of this thing. Clever, really. We are PRIME pickings right now.

Twyla: I’ve waited ten generations for this moment.

Rhapsody: Hey idiot, I wouldn’t do that if I were you.

Twyle: Think you can stop me, Ghosty?

She does, apparently. She tails her all the way around the hedges.

Rhapsody: This is my hero moment. I refuse to let the legacy end with everyone hating me.

Chyeah okay. You’re welcome to try, but…

…it doesn’t look like anyone can stop her. With Fawn and Whydah fast asleep, Twyla strolls right on up to the front door while Aphpo chats up our paparazzi in the backyard.

Aphpo: So how’s the crime rate in this neighbourhood?

Ronald: Oh, not bad at all. You considering a move?

Aphpo: One of these days. Got an old pal who really settled down among humankind. Maybe you know him—Teqeq To’vedachot?

Ronald: Doesn’t ring a bell.

She saunters past the priceless art and antique furniture…

Twyla: Tempting… but I know where they keep the good stuff.

…and right out the back door.

Aphpo: Excuse me, can you tell me—

Aphpo: –MAYDAY, MAYDAY!

And here I thought he was about to be our saviour.

Twyla: No one can save you. I’m here for the ultimate prize and I’m not leaving without it!

What do you mean ultimate— WAIT, NO!

NOT THE CRYPTS D: We have actual irreplaceable shit down there!!

Twyla: Exactly.

Rhapsody: Boo, motherfucker.

Twyla: Psshhh, nothing but a tripping hazard.

*elevator dings*

Lt. Surge: Greetings, Trash Panda. I hear you’ve come to loot our domain.

Twyla: Is this a joke? Do you guys actually think you can stop me?

Rhapsody: Oh no, we’d never dream of it.

Lt. Surge: We are but simple ghosts.

Rhapsody: How could we stop a fearless burglar?

Twyla: Okay. Then what is the point of this?

Officer: Freeze! Put your hands in the air!

Rhapsody: This. This is the point.

Lt. Surge: We’ve got her cornered, Officer! All you have to do is take her down.

Officer: Thanks, but I don’t need you two to do my job for me.

Lt. Surge: I don’t know. I think he might need some help.

Rhapsody: Do you need some help, sir?

Officer: NO! I got this!!

Lt. Surge: You were saying?

Rhapsody: Dude, she whooped your ass!

Fawn: Well done, friendly neighbourhood mime!

Fawn, that’s a burglar.

Fawn: OH. OH NO.

Twyla gets away, but thank the lords, she doesn’t seem to have stolen anything. I guess we’ll never know what that “ultimate prize” was.

Twyla: You can still find out if you want.

No, that’s quite alright.

She hails her valet from right next to the cruiser…

…and takes off in her cozy little lemon like she didn’t just go after our precious heirlooms.

“Unfortunately, I’m a total nincompoop.”

But yeah, don’t sweat it! You did your best!

WHAT A NIGHT. But we make it through, and in the morning we have a pop! Whydah’s carrying largely because I consider her more trustworthy.

Whydah: I’m craving a good sunbathe.

Don’t test me.

The rest is pretty uneventful in comparison. Lira visits to confer her blessing upon the babe-to-be. I totally missed getting a screenshot about a week ago when she not-so-subtly dropped “Totally Preggers” on Whydah’s bedside table; even she’s antsy to get to the good part.

Lira: Unggghhhhhh

Whydah keeps the sunbathing to a minimum but makes sure to get some fresh air every day.

Billy: Omg! It’s my favourite singer, Whydah Hellnot!

Whydah: Move along, kid. You don’t wanna see this.

Whydah: BLEUUGHHHHH

Billy: Miss Hellnot?

And by “get some fresh air” of course I mean “vomit on the porch.” Still a mystery what made her sick when her belly’s already popped, but I suppose we needn’t worry.

Fawn’s prepping diligently after rolling a wish to read a pregnancy book.

Fawn: MAN am I glad it’s not me.

She also rolls this. I’m slightly on board with her, if only because I have better girls’ names planned—but let’s be real, this kid wins all the points just by existing.

Whydah’s also impartial. She’s more concerned with rounding up laundry from the mausoleum.

Whydah: Good morning, Ronald! Beautiful weather, isn’t it?

Ronald: You… you know my name?!?

Pregnancy agrees with her in a way I didn’t expect.

I mean, really. What a cheerfully busy little bee.

Whydah: This was Mom’s bed. I’ve just erased the last mark she ever left on this world.

Never mind.

She leaves the lot only once for a massage, and honestly, I don’t know what the hell I’m thinking. Did Kip teach me nothing?

Oh look, it’s the Sunset Valley Spooky Squad! Whydah, you should join!

Bessie: I’ve heard tales of a man who once graced this town, with tattoos all over his body and hair that rose from his head like flames…

Blair: Was he a ghost?

Bessie: No, dearie. Ghosts aren’t real.

Whydah: My mother is a ghost. Have a little respect.

Or not.

Besides that little outing, both Whydah and Fawn are confined to the home lot and have to make their own fun.

Fawn: Hey, when did Whydah have time to get a business degree?

Oh yeah. So Acara, like Lev in days of old, graduated without receiving a diploma and left us with an ugly gap to fill. Kyrii didn’t get one either, but Kiko had the same major and that evened things out.

In Lev’s case, it was Gumby who bought the “Honorary Degree” reward. That was when he picked up his Coward trait.

Whydah rolls Sailor which is so dumb that I have to keep it.

Whydah: Like Sailor Moon, right?

…

Whydah: LIKE SAILOR MOON, RIGHT?

Kau: Arrrrr, is there one here who wishes to learn the way of the sea?

LOOK AT HIM. He’s officially my third favourite ghost after Lira and Malissa.

Kau: I’ll take it!

But allow me to continue documenting the minutia of Whydah’s pregnancy. Rest assured she is providing the fetus with adequate nutrition in the form of Mika’s barbecued tofu dogs.

Whydah: Hey, just curious. How long ago did she make these?

Um, three or four days. Why?

Whydah: No reason.

Okay, I swear the fumes weren’t there while she was eating it though. I even have her eat a second one to check, and the leftovers definitely aren’t marked as spoiled, but the exact same thing happens.

It says “From Pregnancy” but it’s definitely from the tofu dogs. Mystery solved, I guess.

Fawn’s still out here being productive for some silly reason.

Whydah: Dude, you know nothing we do matters anymore, right?

Fawn: I know.

Whydah: So you’re exercising just for the hell of it?

Fawn: I guess so.

Whydah: Who does that?

Whydah pops to her third belly stage, and it’s at this point I realize… she’s been faking the whole time. There’s no baby in there!

Whydah: News to me.

Just kidding. But it bugs me enough that I completely change her maternity wear.

Whydah: Wow, when you said minutia you really meant it, huh?

Oh, I meant it. In the final stretch, Whydah makes sure the baby is not only nourished (with rancid soybean curd) but stimulated with the most enriching tunes.

Whydah: ♫ When I was a young boy… ♫

Which is all well and good until she sticks the guitar inside her abdomen.

Whydah: What? I read that they can hear music inside the womb.

From inside the womb, Whydah. You don’t have to physically put it in there.

After that, she’s right back to the Circle of Laundry (♫ and it moves us aaaaaaaall ♫). And of course, more surprise visits from “ancestors”.

Pokey: Just thought I’d poke my head in.

Whydah: …

Pokey: Get it? Because my name…

Whydah: …

Pokey: …is Pokey? Come on, man.

Whydah: *face twitch* This feeling… I can’t quite place it…

What’s going on?

Whydah: Could it be…? Is this what… laughter feels like?

Oh god.

Whydah: False alarm. It’s just my old friend, pain.

HOLY SHIT THIS IS HAPPENING.

Fawn: Oh my god oh my god oh my god!

Whydah: I’ve just had a terrible, awful idea.

Fawn: What is it?

NOT NOW WHYDAH.

She tries to make a break for it and have the baby at the hospital, but I decide it’s only fitting for this one to be born on Langurd land.

Whydah: You want it to be born in a dirty laundry room with puddles of who-knows-what on the floor?

Well no, Fawn’s going to do a little spruce-up. Aren’t you, Fawn?

Fawn: I guess I am.

Not only does she get the birthing room spick and span, she also sticks with Whydah through hours of labour. Is she once again atoning for her past transgressions?

Whydah: I think it’s almost— Are you PEEING right now?

Fawn: I’m sorry! The other bathroom is all the way upstairs and I don’t want to miss anything!

Ironically, I think she walks out of the room right as this bundle of joy comes into it.

Whydah: Why hello, my little destiny child.

*takes a deep breath*

EVERYONE, THIS IS ZED LANGURD!

This little apple falls so far from the tree he might as well have been thrown from it. His birth traits are Good and Loves the Outdoors.

And in this moment, we’ve done it. The legacy is over. The pressure is off, we stop earning points, and I no longer have to live in fear of someone dying and ruining everything.

I’m buzzing. This is literally so insane. Like, what do we even do now? I guess we can at least get Zed settled in the nursery?

Whydah: Put that back. It’s for the baby.

Fawn: Aww come on! He gets all these nice things. Can’t I have just one of them?

Whydah: Put the bear down, Fawn.

Fawn: No.

Whydah: Well then, dammit, I’m giving you one more human to share with.

Fawn: What?!

YEAH, WHAT???

Whydah: I heard we needed a yellow one of these.

Aasdflkjoeitja;lsegal;sdkasfgldkfjlll is this real life? Did we just end this legacy with mixed twins??! I think we did.

Zed’s little sister by thirty minutes or so is Coda Langurd! She’s Brave and Excitable and the brightest ray of sunshine you ever did see.

Fawn: I take it back. You guys can totally have my bear.

Whydah: And my cold dead heart.

Fawn: And my entire life.

Whydah: AND MY AXE.

Fawn: Whydah no.

And there you have it. What Tewl started roughly 474 in-game days ago now concludes with two tiny, tropical-drink-coloured vampires on a sunny Saturday morning. A decade of shenanigans, and it all comes down to Zed and Coda.

Ten generations. Six homes. Five different worlds. Thirty-four lifetime wishes. Seventy household residents. Twenty-two weddings and seventeen funerals. 2,351,480 simoleons to their name. Glitches, fuck-ups, and drama out your ears. Countless tofu dogs, one repossessed unicorn, and far too many cans kicked.

And to think it all began with a man and his football.

---

Me right now:

But I have more to say! Five encore posts coming at you in the next few weeks:

Part 1: The Scorecard
Part 2: Tales of Generation Ten
Part 3: ???
Part 4: The Ultimate Langurd
Part 5: Final Thoughts

❤

Happy Simming!

-Sam

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