Category Archives: Uncategorized
What the fuck. Where did 2018 go? How is it July? Wasn’t it February like yesterday?
You may have noticed that time is getting away from me these days. No, that’s an understatement. Time is sprinting Bolt-speed toward the airport and hopping a plane to the next galaxy, then laughing at me while I scream “Planes can’t go to outer space!” and my aged bones crumble to dust.
Dramatic, I know. But let me tell you – shit has been going down lately that has me shaking my fist at the world. Dewey, the terrible wonderful cat who owns my soul, recently tested positive to Feline Leukemia. FeLV, while not actually a cancer in cats, is an incurable virus that gradually causes severe (and ultimately fatal) anemia. He’s three and life is unfair. Last week my vet was talking euthanasia, but then his meds seemed to kick in, and he started gaining weight between visits (my little chubber has always excelled in that), so we’re taking things one day at a time. It’s been a fucking rollercoaster and we would both appreciate any positive vibes you can send our way. ❤
On top of working 40-60 hour weeks at the café, I also just finished a certification course and am applying to ESL teaching jobs overseas! It’s exciting but stressful and real decisions scare me. Please don’t ask how this news plays into the news above because that’s a whole other shitshow.
But let’s get down to what you came here for, which is not sad stories, nor career plans, but the mind-numbing idiocy of a family that is now six years old.
Look at this fool, trying to hype up her return to the blogosphere by comparing it to a boyband comeback. Despicable.
HEY GUYS 😀
I have completed my yearly bout of falling off the face of the earth! It’s been 10 months and 22 days since I last posted, which I think is pretty standard at this point? However, this year’s unplanned-but-fully-expected hiatus featured some pretty cool things, including a literal departure from the face of the earth. No, I didn’t just jump in the air for a split second, though that totally counts. I’m talking about an actual adventure!
Help me, I can’t stop blogging! (Actually, I’m more afraid that if I DO stop, it’ll be five years before I start again.) Either way, I did a thing to kill some time and stop me checking the Devil’s Heir Poll every three minutes.
Approximately ten thousand years ago, Liebster Awards were once again circulating the air ducts of WordPress and three of them landed in the Langurds’ dust trap. (Wow, my analogies need to calm the fuck down.) Thank you to Miss Wingless, FluffyMao, and misterwolfe86 for those! Here are my totally serious answers to their questions:
THREE HOURS. This is so not happening. What probably IS happening is that I’ll publish whatever piddly excuse for a chapter I manage to fire out by midnight, and save the rest for a 14th post. My generations have all had an even number of chapters anyway—not that there’s any real reason for that, but why stop now?
Cal: Please no bombs. I don’t wanna deal with fire this chapter.
Fair enough. See you in 6.14!
Celebrating Five Years of Langurd: The Official Half-Decade Heptathlon (Finally, Proof that I Am a Crazy Person)
It’s not every day your young blog turns five, and I’ve been stewing and stewing over how to celebrate the upcoming legaversary in style. The only problem with doing cool things is the inevitable need to follow up with cooler things, and let’s face it, Birthdays 3 and 4 reached a level of coolness known only to Beyonce and Antarctica. (I hope you are all reading my sarcasm here.)
Somewhere in my stewing
amidst the carrots and barley I realized that five years is an inanely long time for you, the readers, to have stuck with a stuttering, wheezing, at times just dead-on-the-floor blog like this one. So instead of wasting time on a glorified spin-off, I’ve decided to channel my appreciation into something more productive. Something that has never been attempted in Langurd history. Something that goes against every fibre of my being and may just kill me.
This post has been rotting in my drafts folder for about 84 years, but today – thanks to a reminder from DSLady – it shall enter the world at last. BE FREE, LITTLE BIRD!
You may remember a braggy little post from just over a year ago about winning Season 10 of Boolprop’s Next Top Model. Leaving no can unkicked, of course I entered Season 11 this past summer and had too much fun staging more ridiculous photoshoots. Spoiler: my hipster fool got his butt kicked, but we did make runner-up!
Feast yer eyes if ye so please (or scroll to the bottom for more filler nonsense).
Intro Round: A Day in the Life
Occupation: Barista & Open Mic Host at Hemingway’s Haunt
Ceviche (not his real name, sources suggest) is full of ideas to make the world a better place.
Nor for the procrastinator, apparently. 😥 Instead of partying with my friends (or better yet, sleeping) I am spending my Hallowe’en night cracking down on Update #3. At least I shouldn’t have any interruptions since this is now guarding my front door:
Fucking terrifying, isn’t it?
But how could Trumpkin ever compare to such artistry as this… this… I give up, Frieda, what the hell is that?
Frieda: It’s Axorn, of course!
Axorn: PAINT ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR FRENCH GIRLS
The Sunshine Blogger Award
..turn this stupid fat— Oh, hello!
Now that there’s an actual update in the feed to break things up, I can get back to writing aimless filler like I was born to do.
Okay, so this one isn’t entirely aimless. It’s a much-delayed acknowledgement of the four lovelies who nominated me for the Sunshine Award! You know, back in the day, when that was a thing going around. Idk what time is anymore.
How it works:
1) Thank the person who nominated you and add a link to their blog.
2) Answer the 11 questions sent by the person who nominated you.
3) Nominate 11 bloggers and add their links.
1. Of your sims, who’s your favourite?
Okay, so Katana got so much love in my Liebster answers that I think she needs to be banned from these ones. Instead, I’ll be horrible and tell you—as vaguely as possible—that one of Calamity’s kids is shaping up to be an all-time favourite for me…
2. What’s the greatest in-game moment you’ve ever witnessed?
I must be forgetting about a million of them, but I think it’s a tie between Boa’s jellybean garden lighting up the minute he died, and the Maitlands’ burglar stealing his only exit.
3. What’s your favorite game (aside from the Sims)? If not game, substitute show/book/movie/etc.
Pokémon Go……ld. (Had you there, didn’t I?) Close seconds would be Dance Dance Revolution and Pokémon Black. I’m also currently hooked on Neko Atsume (the cat collector app) because I’m pathetic.
4. What is a trait you wish you had/didn’t have?
I have a tendency to overthink things that should be instinctual, and to overlook things that require thought. I’d love if that were the other way around. I also have freakishly small ears, but I can’t do much about that.
5. You found a black suitcase sitting on your front porch. It’s got $1 million in it. What do you do?
Immediately assume there are 6000 cameras watching me and retreat inside until it goes away, even if it takes months. There’s a reason I keep my cupboards full of ramen.
6. What’s your favorite holiday? Why?
Christmas is essential to my mental wellbeing and continued existence, but lately Halloween is more exciting to me. As a craft nerd, I get really hyped about carving elaborate pumpkins and making costumes for myself and my friends. As a Canadian, I’m gaining appreciation for any season that isn’t winter.
7. What’s your favorite color? Any particular reason?
Purple for as long as I can remember and as long as I live. I think we just bonded on a biological level when I was born. My greatest regret is that I look awful in most shades of purple, so I hardly ever get to show my love for it.
8. Any grand plans for the future?
Idk, I’m thinking about getting up to eat a cookie soon.
9. Cheddar, mozzarella, or muenster? Naming gouda as the top cheese is also acceptable. 😛
Actually *cringe* I must confess… I’m not a big fan of cheese on its own. *deflects rotten vegetables* I do, however, appreciate a good sharp cheddar melted on toast. That redeems me, right? *booed off stage*
10. You have 24 hours to do whatever you please with no repercussions or anyone remembering anything but you. What happens?
Whatever I please, you say?
1. Generate some random items and write a short paragraph story including them!
Items: a pinecone, a pair of handcuffs, and a pair of scissors.
“Rock, paper, scissors,” said Jeffrey, determined to win the last piece of pie. But when he struck out his scissors in triumph, his opponent’s hand shape was impossible to identify. “What the fuck is that?”
“It’s a pinecone,” said Jim stupidly.
“You can’t do a pinecone,” scoffed Jeffrey. “It’s against the rules.”
“So arrest me,” said Jim.
“I will,” said Jeffrey as he put his brother in handcuffs.
2. What is the strangest dream you can remember?
I have this recurring dream where I’m driving a car while sitting in the back seat. I don’t need a dream dictionary to tell me what that one means. My whackier childhood dreams mostly featured evil, human-sized monkeys and slimy, monkey-sized aliens. One time I got chased by a wooden man. (That one still haunts me, tbh.)
3. If you could live inside a video game as an NPC, which would you choose?
The mom in the Pokemon games, for obvious reasons.
4. What is your biggest pet peeve?
Is narrow-mindedness too big to be a pet peeve? I hate when I’m arguing with someone and my expertly crafted rhetoric bounces off their thick head because they were never looking for a new perspective, they just wanted to hear themselves talk. Besides that, finding toast crumbs in the margarine is up there.
5. If you had to choose anyone (alive or deceased) to be your roommate, who would you choose?
This is boring, but I’d choose my actual roommate. We’re equally bad at being functional humans so it works out pretty well.
6. What is the last book that you read?
I finished Cursed Child and A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms around the same time—a Harry Potter sequel and a Game of Thrones prequel, when sadly what the world needs is the opposite. I can’t be the only one still holding out for a Marauder saga.
7. If the main character from the last TV show you watched tried to kill you, would they succeed?
I just re-watched the “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” pilot with some friends. I’d be inclined to laugh at a murderer in light-up Skechers, but she’s also a ginger, so I wouldn’t let my guard down.
On the other hand, I’m outright terrified of the male lead in my current K-Drama. Is this not the face of a master stalker?
8. What is something (book, movie, game, etc.) that you will never get bored of?
I always claim that I could watch “Love, Actually” on repeat for the rest of my life. I probably couldn’t because my attention span is this big | | but it’d be my best bet.
9. If you could have a home built in any style, what would you choose?
I would kill the Langurds for the house they have now, just saying.
10. If you could only listen to one musician for the rest of your life, who would you choose?
Fall Out Boy because the words sound like different words every time you listen to them.
11. What do you enjoy most about this community?
When I start to get “perspective” (wtf is that anyway?) and wonder if I’m wasting my life manipulating pixelated idiots, WordPress and/or Boolprop is here to remind me that it’s a-okay. My favourite people in life are the ones who support my delusions. 😉
Questions from Dawnstar:
1. Red or Blue? Jedi or Sith?
Dawnstar probably wanted a short answer to this, but it’s about to get science-y up in here. I actually just watched an extensive video on the colour psychology of red vs. blue in video games and sports. Apparently because red encourages alertness and focus, red teams are associated with hasty decisions and immediate pay-offs, while blue (which encourages creativity and relaxation) means long-term planning and strategy. If you think about it, it’s the same way McDonalds (red) appeals to fast food consumers and Walmart (blue) hooks the coupon-clipping types. Based on all this mumbo-jumbo, blue is more my style, but red is 4% more likely to win even if teams are randomly assigned… which must be why it’s my gut preference. 😉
But screw it, Jedi all the way.
2. You open a book and are whisked away to the world of your dreams. What book is it?
I’ll give you guys one guess. 😉
3. You have to pick one to play for the rest of your life. Sims 1, 2, 3, or 4?
Breaking News: Gryffindork renounces TS3, defects to the Sims 1 community for all eternity
4. Who’s your favorite character from your blog?
Kat— er, let’s give Crash some love this time!
5. Old Ghostbusters or New Ghostbusters?
I saw the original a long time ago, and I haven’t seen the new one yet… So I bet they are both good in their own unique ways! 😀 #tooinnocentfortheinternet
6. What time does the Narwhal bacon?
Why do I suddenly feel like the dweeb who forgot the secret handshake…
7. What is your ideal day of relaxation?
a) Floating on a lake, or b) not getting dressed, refusing to participate in the world, pretending that time doesn’t exist and not being judged for any of it. Both involve copious amounts of food.
8. What is the funniest or scariest glitch you’ve seen in-game?
Toddlers climbing ladders are always a good time.
9. Who was your blog sensei? AKA Who influenced you to start a sims blog?
Starla of the Creeper Legacy can take full credit for the Langurds’ beginnings. Not that she would want to, since she’s much cooler than me and doesn’t know I exist. 😀
10. Do you know who Llandros is?
Ah, good old Llandros! Best buds, we are Not a clue, but considering I’m the worst simmer ever, this should come as no surprise.
11. What’s one thing you wish EA would come back and fix in The Sims 3?
This one’s been eating me for a while – can we please get rid of the paper bag moodlet for “having a child out of wedlock”? And could single mothers not immediately roll the wish to get married upon giving birth? I’d like to play my game without being bombarded by your 100-year-old agenda, please and thanks.
Also, broken record here, but kindly steal a timeturner and fire your pop-up editor.
1. How much of your life do you think you’ve clocked into this game?
Oh god, do I even want to go there? I’ve recently started launching through Steam so I can track my play sessions, and even that is a wake-up call. My last two BNTM entries have taken me upwards of 3 hours to shoot. When I’m going hard in legacy mode, I’ve hit 14 without batting an eye. Sim Salad usually runs shorter, but those are hardly the only ventures I have in my game. I think the only thing saving me here is that I barely play for 8 months out of 12, so my total is probably like 1,200 instead of 500,000.
Dat math doe
2. While we’re on the same vein, how much of your life do you think you’ve spent showering?
Why are you doing this to me?? XD I’m someone who needs to shower if I so much as wear shorts on a public bus seat… We won’t go into detail, but my quick number crunching says about 1,400. That’s 58 days I will never get back (and like 800,000,000 galleons of water that could have kept people alive. I am officially a horrible person).
3. Well, those were definitely too deep for the first two questions. Now that we’re all refreshed and back from a
time-devouring shower existential crisis, what is your favourite book? If you are not a book fan, how about film or TV series?
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and A Storm of Swords.
4. Favourite Disney or Dreamworks movie?
How to Train Your Dragon was Dreamworks, right?? Yes? Yes. That one.
5. Hello. My name is reindeer headband that Zuzanna put on her head for whatever reason. How’s life?
Pleased to meet you! Can I call you R.H.T.Z.P.O.H.H.F.W.R.? (It’s clearly so convenient.) Life is a highway, thanks for asking.
6. I’m sorry for that, the headband insisted. Are you a Game Of Thrones/ASOIAF fan? If so I would very much appreciate if you spoiled nothing past season three episode 4 and/or A Feast For Crows for me with your answer, as I am terrible at being caught up with Game of Thrones.
7. Are you a chaotic tidiness or a organized mess kind of person? Or neither?
As much as I call myself meticulous… Alright, I’ll come out and say it. I have a floordrobe.
8. If you were given the chance to go to space, anywhere in space you like (let’s assume for this question that wormholes are a thing), would you take it?
I really like Earth… tbh we should probably fix it before we start ruining the other planets.
9. Tea or coffee?
Two beverages waging a war over my heart on a daily basis </3 Unfortunately coffee’s grip is stronger because caffeine headaches.
10. Moving past the clear creative genius that was question 9, do you take the leap of faith (interpret this in any way you want, idk I’m just running out of ideas)?
Is the leap of faith having a second coffee? If so, yes.
11. Finally, do you dream, even though it is over (or alternatively, Zuzanna really ran out of ideas so she rephrased song lyrics).
That is so deep. *wipes away a single tear* Sure, why not?
Now it gets awkward because there’s no one left to nominate and it looks like I don’t appreciate anyone, but I do! I really do! These genuinely the only three blogs I could find without a Sunshine post (that I could see anyway?) so congratulations…
The Gordon Legacy by DSLady
The Sample Legacy by EchoWeaver
Loki Is Surrounded by Idiots by laserkatt
These go out to my nominees and to anyone else who feels like answering them!
1. Let’s dive right in. Trump or Clinton? (Any alternative answer is acceptable, even preferable.)
2. Of equal importance, how do you like your eggs?
3. Besides rent/food/basic survival things, what do you spend most of your money on?
4. Have you ever finished a game of Monopoly?
5. Have your Sims ever made you cry? Be honest pls.
6. Name a weird talent you have that not many people know about.
7. What is your IRL LTW? (Pick one from the game or make your own.)
8. If we were still in TS2 days, what would your aspiration be?
9. What colour are your socks right now?
10. What is your go-to goofy face? (Describe it in words, emoji style, or post a picture if you so wish.)
11. Did you remember to wake up Green Day on October 1st?
This post is not really happening because I refuse to acknowledge that a year has passed since the last birthday celebrations, and because there’s no way I’ve been doing this legacy thing for four years. Absolutely not a chance. Ergo, this is not a birthday.
EDIT: It is also not a birthday because I’m now uploading this a day late. All the more evidence that it never happened!