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9.6 The Last Goodbye

Well, friends…


My “last melon” joke would normally come in clutch right about now, but I went and spent that in 9.4, so here we are about to finish a decade-long legacy with nothing to diffuse the cloud of emotion hanging over us.

I will not lie—this is a huge moment for me. My first legacy attempt was roughly SEVENTEEN YEARS AGO. I’ve known since about Gen. Three that I’d finally hit the magical formula with this one and would finish it one day, but until a few months ago I hadn’t really considered what finishing would look like. Writing this thing has been at times tedious, often therapeutic, and mostly just a complete clusterfuck, but I can safely say it’s one of my favourite things I’ve ever worked on. Saying goodbye is both incredibly satisfying and an immense shame. Bittersweet, if you will.

But let’s be real. This moment isn’t for me. It’s for all of you! Whether you’ve stuck with the Langurds since their “Most Inospishus Beginning” or you boarded the rollercoaster somewhere along the way (do not condone; very dangerous) you helped bring this ridiculous story to life, whether you like it or not. So before we dig in, I offer my gratitude from the bottom of my heart (excuse the cat hair) to all you readers, lurkers, likers, commenters, followers, and fellow legacy attempters. You are quite simply the best, and that’s all there is to it. THANK YOU for joining me on this ride! ❤


At the end of the day though, these idiots aren’t going anywhere. In the vein of “Hogwarts will always be there to welcome you home,” The Dysfunkshinul Legacy will forever be on the internet to make you laugh at dumb jokes and remind you what a comparatively decent person you are.

So here we go. We last saw the clan in Isla Paradiso with all their LTW’s wrapped up, their real estate sold off to fossil fuel companies (hopefully untrue), and their relationships mended after some big ol’ drama went down between Pearl and Fawn.

At this point I pack up the essentials, sell the house, inform Butler Becky that she’s out of a job and a home, and leave her stunned and stranded on Pirate Island while we jet off to…

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…Sunset Valley! DSLady called it in the comments and narrated my entire thought process, including all the timeline fuckery that makes this a terrible idea. But come on. You know I love a full circle moment almost as much as I love kicking cans.

Btw, the town didn’t actually welcome us with terrible weather—nor did the Langurds get to arrive in such style. I nabbed this screenshot from later on just to get a jump start on ruining the timeline. 😀

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9.5 The Last-Ditch Effort

You can tell I’m scared of finishing things because I spent most of today doing housekeeping stuff on the blog, including FINALLY updating the banner (which still needs a clean-up, blegh), overhauling the homepage and sidebar, tuning up the family tree, and adding to the family bios. THERE’S A GENERATION TEN PAGE NOW. It’s just waiting for me to put things on it.

So then, let’s get down to business. Last time, there were three weddings and no funerals. Except that’s a lie, because Tonu died in the library (Professor Plum with the wrench, perhaps?) and Whydah was really sad about it. Pearl found true love with the adorably whacky Kia Goldberg, though it took the help of both her siblings to win the girl. Meanwhile, Sal went to Twinbrook to bag Amy Bull and was back before lunchtime. Whydah and Fawn were last to tie the knot in a trash alley in the rain. Fawn also completed her Resort Empire LTW through hard work and determination (*ahem* her in-laws’ money). Which means Whydah is officially the only one in this eight-sim household with anything to do!


It’s the beginning of the end, and of course the IP sky has to be dramatic about it. This is actually the last chapter in Isla Paradiso—we’ll be packing up for a final move just as soon as Whydah wins the singing world. It’s been a refreshingly simple time here on Pirate Island, but we need our mausoleum back and it’s four times the size of this lot. :3

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9.4 The Last Melon


I use this phrase liberally in everyday life, so it could mean pretty much anything out of context. Just wait though, there will come a point very soon where it actually fits. I promise.

Last time, when we had more melons, we were quite productive. Whydah did a lot of singer stuff, climbing all the way up to Level 8. Both Sal and Mika gave up the occult life for a lame human one. Kau opened an island motel and went to live there forever, but not before ACHIEVING HIS LTW! Pearl got hers too, but it was considerably less work and therefore not deserving of all caps.


That means everyone outside of our core legacy couple have now fulfilled their dreams, had their portraits painted, and all that good stuff.

Sal: If you think you get to move on and have a family now, think again.

Pearl: I’m not delusional, Sal.

Sal: And don’t even try setting the table for four and staging a hunger strike. It doesn’t work.

Pearl: You tried that?

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9.3 The Last Unicorn

And the show goes on! Welcome to Act III. This chapter has to be a lucky one because ‘93 is my birth year and I said so.

Act II saw our vampirates through a second divorce—a new frontier even for this legacy. Our cast grew by one when we plucked the lovely Fawn Lacey from Oasis Landing. She’s Whydah’s girlfriend, but Pearl may have something to say about that. It also saw two whole Langurds complete their LTW’s, which leaves us with just four to go! That’s Kau’s Grand Explorer (sooooo damn close), Pearl’s The Tinkerer (making steady progress), Whydah’s Vocal Legend (it’s Sing-A-Grams for days) and Fawn’s… well, that hasn’t been settled yet.

She came to us with a dream to be Emperor of Evil, but rabbitholes are so not my jam, and I somehow highly doubt that being evil is hers.


We return on the morning of her very first day at work to find her dressed the part (or trying) and running lines in the bathroom.

Fawn: Gimme all your money!

Honey, no.

Fawn: *ahem* (deepens voice) Gimme all your money!

Still no, but keep at it.

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9.2 The Last Straw

Welcome back! Last time, Whydah became a sell-out pop star cursed to deliver Sing-A-Grams until the end of time. Pearl hit stuff with a hammer, Sal found the riddle to Plumbob Island (number 7 of 8), and Kau got wind of Mika’s long-past infidelities but did nothing about it—yet. We installed a time portal and immediately got a visit from the purple-haired Lilah Turni, a strong candidate for Whydah’s hand, but we lost her trail at Bella Vista Beach and were faced with no choice but to hunt her on her own turf.


Whydah: Turf? You mean concrete. Why couldn’t they make it a water landing?

Pearl: I mean, not all of us fell on our butts…

One thing that still baffles me in this game: no matter how many future trips I send my sims on, the pool is always their first thought bubble when they get here.

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9.1 The Last Beginning

How surreal is this? A whole decade of nonsense has come down to one final era. We’ve seen some wild times, from Tewl’s philandering escapades and Katana’s reluctant tombraiding to Gumby’s space-cowboying and Siesta’s screwy robots and beyond.

But just what will this era hold, aside from the end of all things? An excellent question. While it was tempting to cop out completely, breed Whydah with the first townie she heartfarted, and finish this off in a single chapter, I am not THAT lazy. In fact, I thought long and hard about what sort of calling this purple people eater might pursue.


Whydah: The scroll hath been bestowed upon me. I am ready for my future.

Her final trait is Virtuoso, which I’ll admit I rolled for a few extra times. I mean, I can only take so much of “Easily Impressed” and “Excitable.”

That makes her final roundup Evil, Heavy Sleeper, No Sense of Humour, Natural Born Performer, and Virtuoso. Clearly a tortured soul only capable of expressing herself through heavy metal (and yes, “heavy metals” was a theme I briefly considered for her children’s names).

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So you have chosen…

(Using these nifty placeholder pics so that WordPress doesn’t spoil it in the preview.)


Well, this was a doozy.

First, I must apologize. I asked you not only to pick an heir, but to choose between good and evil, pink and purple, practical and theatrical, excitable and deadpan… oh, and then there was Sal.

What a crossroads for the end of the legacy!

But you did it, guys. And you did it ever so decisively…

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Don’t miss 8.8, which came out mere minutes ago! And now, without further ado…

1. Saladin

2. Whydah

3. Pearl

I’ll leave this up for about a week, or until there’s a clear winner, or until all the regular readers have had a chance to vote. Feel free to drop a comment so I can keep track. 😀

Happy Simming (and Voting)!


8.8 Parley


I know I can’t. If I post this on schedule, I’ll have knocked out an entire generation in two weeks! That’s… honestly pretty ridiculous even if I hadn’t taken four years on the last one.

Welcome, my dearest, loveliest, most committed readers—who must be just a little crazy to ingest this much Langurd content in a fortnight—to our twilight cruise, our final voyage, our swan song if you will. In a mere 100-something screenshots, this ship will come into port and be sent to the breakers, and I will cease my efforts to become fluent in the language of boats. Oh, happy day!

But we have many nautical miles to cover before then. Last time, Kiko married fellow evil mermaid Salty and they welcomed a very not-evil daughter named Tuna. Homes were built on our private islands and living arrangements were messed with. The teens threw a very boring party where secrets were revealed. Mika became bros with the maid, and Kau’s job created some awkward sexual tension.

If anyone’s keeping track, we’re currently at 5/8 uncharted islands. But with the kids on the verge of turning YA, the legacy is dangerously close to ending before Kau completes his LTW—never mind his children getting anything done!

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As such, I’ve decided to allow only very manageable ambitions from this point on. Pearl has just locked in “The Tinkerer” (max Handiness and Logic) as an homage to The Hot Repairladies Club of Generation One. I hope she’ll make Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great *INHALE* Grandma Tuesday proud.

Pearl: Can I get some coveralls?

No, I like your 50’s waitress look too much.

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8.7 Drink Up, Me Hearties!

Welcome one and all to the penultimate piratical publication! (Thanks, I worked really hard on that one.)

We are fast approaching the end of this generation—and for that matter, the end of this legacy! The challenge officially ends as soon as either Saladin, Whydah, or Pearl has a child.


But there are plenty of things to distract us. We recently acquired our fourth uncharted island by purchasing a few buffet tables, and our fifth by getting Salty to talk. One of those was approximately 85 times harder than the other.


Kiko almost died (but not really) on the way to Mermaid’s Secret, so she’s recuperating in this old tent until she has the strength to swim home.

Kiko: Top quality medical care.

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