Indeks

Foreword: Legacy Hall of Fail 2.0

Generation One: The Age of Dewchebags
1.1 A Most Inospishus Beginning
1.2 Bachillerz 4 Lyfe
1.3 Evrybuddy Luvs Tewl
1.4 Broez Over Hoez
1.5 Da Betrayull
1.6 Identitee Crysus
1.7 Partay Rockerz in da Howse
1.8 Angellz ‘n’ Demunz
1.9 Glitchiffy!
1.10 Da Retern of Da Flayme
1.11 Goin’ Nowhurr Fast
1.12 Boyz Will B Boyz
1.13 Altur Egoez
1.14 Wildurness Esplorerz
1.15 Waffulmageddun
1.16 A Nyte 2 Rememburr

Generation Two: The Age of Warriors
2.1 Rising from the Ashes
2.2 Revenge of the Vaccinator
2.3 The Last Hurrah
2.4 Romeo’s Quest
2.5 The Night is Dark and Full of Terrors
2.6 Lancelot the Brave
2.7 The Darkling’s Crusade
2.8 Journey to the Fire Nation
2.9 Blood Allies
2.10 There Can Be Only One

Generation Three: The Age of Adventures
3.1 Terra Incognita
3.2 Gung Ho
3.3 Aficionados
3.4 Au Naturel
3.5 Mi Casa es su Casa
3.6 Les Nouveaux Riches
3.7 Al Fresco
3.8 Schadenfreude
3.9 Folie à Deux
3.10 Deus Ex Machina
3.11 Hasta la Vista
3.12 Ultima Ratio
3.13 Hakuna Matata
3.14 Eureka!

Generation Four: The Age of the Enchanted Dollhouse
4.1 Come Play with Me
4.2 There’s a Snake in My Boot!
4.3 Bake Your Cake and Eat It Too
4.4 Make Him Better or Get the Buzzer
4.5 Mrs. White in the Library with the Pipe
4.6 Makin’ Things with Light
4.7 Come on Barbie, Let’s Go Party
4.8 Taste the Explosion
4.9 I Love You, You Love Me, We’re a Happy Family
4.10 It Always Comes Back to You
4.11 I Am Mrs. Nesbitt
4.12 My Baby All Gone
4.13 Oh Boy, That Tickles!
4.14 Sing Me to Sleep
4.15 Gotta Catch’Em All!
4.16 Bop It
4.17 Robots in Disguise
4.18 To Infinity and Beyond

Generation Five: The Age of Contradictions
5.1 The Living Dead
5.2 Trouble in Paradise
5.3 Procrastinate Now
5.4 Accidentally on Purpose
5.5 Bittersweet
5.6 The Perfect Storm
5.7 When Hell Freezes Over
5.8 Lukewarm Enthusiasm
5.9 Well-Preserved Ruins
5.10 Alone Together
5.11 Anarchy Rules
5.12 Crash Landing
5.13 Simply Brilliant
5.14 Tentative Conclusion
HEIR POLL!
TIEBREAKER!

Generation Six: The Age of Always Sleeping
6.1 Wake Me Up When September Ends
6.2 Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?
6.3 No Rest for the Wicked
6.4 Once Upon a Nightmare
6.5 They All Rolled Over and One Fell Out
6.6 Rockabye Baby
6.7 Boulevard of Broken Dreams
6.8 No Sugar Tonight in My Coffee
6.9 Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under?
6.10 No Sleep Till Brooklyn
6.11 Don’t Blame It on the Moonlight
6.12 Beds Are Burning
6.13 Lazy Hazy Crazy
6.14 Enter Sandman
HEIR POLL!
RESULTS!

Generation Seven: The Age of Beep Boop
7.0 Quinnspiracy Decoded: A Prologue
7.1 I’m a teapot
7.2 Forbidden
7.3 Switching Protocols

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7.3 Switching Protocols

I’m doing my darnedest to keep this momentum going, so let’s get straight into the next act of the shitshow!

Here we see a typical morning at the Langurd Lodge for Futuristic Wayfarers. After arriving with a crash of thunder that ruins my screenshots and wakes the baby, a guest makes himself at home in the nursery.

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Colby: Ah, what a quaint little transport vessel! I believe this is what they called a bort.

It’s precisely at this point that I rage-delete the time portal and leave Colby forever stranded. I hope he learns how to sail that bort the fuck outta here.

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7.2 Forbidden

Well. I just laid out the screenshots for several more chapters and let me tell you, Siesta’s generation is going to be a saga. Today’s update is coming to you in a smaller package so I will feel less daunted by the task ahead.

We find the family in much the state we left them, i.e. total disarray after our resident knight turned out to be robotophile, and our resident robot turned out to be a bitch. Who knew?

Screenshot-1019

The latest trend is that Siri keeps asking Breandan to “train” her on the ballet bar, which is as unsubtle as it is stupid.

Breandan: Work that plié, you arousing slab of tin!

Siri: This is all I ever wanted!

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7.1 I’m a teapot

Hello, and welcome back to the Langurds! For real this time – no more filler bullshit. If you don’t believe me, take a moment to breathe in the scent of decaying tofu dogs and evaporating brain cells.

Oh yeah, we’re back alright.

Turns out I remember zero things from last generation, but I do know that there was a terrible, awful, very no good heir poll and y’all panic-voted this box-headed fool into leadership. I think we will regret this soon, but for now it’s full steam ahead!

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Commence the celebratory tea! (I hope she showed up on time)

Siesta: Hey Prototype, I’ve been thinking.

Prototype: God help us all.

Siesta: Since I’m in charge and stuff, I’m going to rename you Siri.

Prototype: Pray tell why?

Siesta: Don’t be silly, Siri. You answer my questions, not the other way around!

Prototype: You poor dense soul.

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Happy 6th Birthday + Name My New PC!

What the fuck. Where did 2018 go? How is it July? Wasn’t it February like yesterday?

You may have noticed that time is getting away from me these days. No, that’s an understatement. Time is sprinting Bolt-speed toward the airport and hopping a plane to the next galaxy, then laughing at me while I scream “Planes can’t go to outer space!” and my aged bones crumble to dust.

Dramatic, I know. But let me tell you – shit has been going down lately that has me shaking my fist at the world. Dewey, the terrible wonderful cat who owns my soul, recently tested positive to Feline Leukemia. FeLV, while not actually a cancer in cats, is an incurable virus that gradually causes severe (and ultimately fatal) anemia. He’s three and life is unfair. Last week my vet was talking euthanasia, but then his meds seemed to kick in, and he started gaining weight between visits (my little chubber has always excelled in that), so we’re taking things one day at a time. It’s been a fucking rollercoaster and we would both appreciate any positive vibes you can send our way. ❤

PrettyDewey
*Disclaimer: Dewey is not an outdoor cat, just a fool who ran out the door without his harness and then posed pretty for a photoshoot

On top of working 40-60 hour weeks at the café, I also just finished a certification course and am applying to ESL teaching jobs overseas! It’s exciting but stressful and real decisions scare me. Please don’t ask how this news plays into the news above because that’s a whole other shitshow.

But let’s get down to what you came here for, which is not sad stories, nor career plans, but the mind-numbing idiocy of a family that is now six years old.

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7.0 Quinnspiracy Decoded: A Prologue

You guys voted for this star-crossed lovers business, and honour compels me to deliver on my promises in the fullest way possible. Which means—you guessed it—the Langurds are about to enter that shadowy, foreboding territory we call PLOT.

Don’t worry—Siesta’s generation will be played and written as much by the seat of my pants as the others have been. It’s just that after playing detective so many times in Gen. 6, I felt it would be helpful to put all of my “COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT” moments in one place.

So please humour me as I don my Halloween-store trench coat and cap, and attempt to mash together disjointed happenings into a wad that can conceivably be called “evidence.”

*ahem*

Without further ado, let us open the case!

open the case

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Oh My God, We’re Back Again

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Look at this fool, trying to hype up her return to the blogosphere by comparing it to a boyband comeback. Despicable.

HEY GUYS 😀

I have completed my yearly bout of falling off the face of the earth! It’s been 10 months and 22 days since I last posted, which I think is pretty standard at this point? However, this year’s unplanned-but-fully-expected hiatus featured some pretty cool things, including a literal departure from the face of the earth. No, I didn’t just jump in the air for a split second, though that totally counts. I’m talking about an actual adventure!

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Here at the End of All Things: The Big Heir Reveal!

So. That was a fun week, right?

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^ What today actually feels like.

No, I didn’t think so. I would like to start off with an apology for leading this expedition to the pits of hell. Even if you aren’t as invested as I am, I’m sure I dragged you through my own anguish with those interim posts.

So please, get yourself a cup of tea, take a bubblebath, or try out my favourite guided meditation. You’ve earned it. Maybe wait until the end of this post, though, because it’s a bit of a stresser in itself.

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Update from Purgatory

Scratch that—this is what Hell looks like.

hellpie

Thank goodness DSLady has fired back some Sunshine and Liebster questions to keep me busy! At this rate, I will have composed an entire autobiography before the results are in.

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Look, a Distraction!

Help me, I can’t stop blogging! (Actually, I’m more afraid that if I DO stop, it’ll be five years before I start again.) Either way, I did a thing to kill some time and stop me checking the Devil’s Heir Poll every three minutes.

liebster

Approximately ten thousand years ago, Liebster Awards were once again circulating the air ducts of WordPress and three of them landed in the Langurds’ dust trap. (Wow, my analogies need to calm the fuck down.) Thank you to Miss Wingless, FluffyMao, and misterwolfe86 for those! Here are my totally serious answers to their questions: 

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Wake Me Up When It’s All Over: An Impossible Heir Poll

Alright, comments have been replied to and real world has been confronted (crying over my lack of money counts, right?) so I guess it’s time to post this thing. I’m genuinely terrified, not because there’s anyone I would particularly hate to play but because I’ve never gone into one of these so uncertain of the result. No matter who wins, I’ll be ecstatic that I get to tell their story but also heartbroken that I don’t get to tell the other two. But Gryffindork, you like all three of them so there’s no way you can los— NO GUYS, THIS IS A SERIOUS CRISIS AND I LIKE BEING DRAMATIC.

On that note, for the first time EVAR in Langurd History (woooo fanfare) I’ve decided to picture the heir candidates with their intended spouses, traits and all. Note that LTW’s are irrelevant for now; only Dusty and Delilah have them locked in, and I’ll likely end up changing theirs if they have the points.

Without further ado, here are your choices:

1KJ

What we’ll see from them:
I picture Kip running a hipster food blog and Jada being an online fitness guru. Visionary? Culinary Librarian? I suspect these two care less about what they do than how good they look doing it. A home stylist business is also a possibility—as is our first monogamous heiress, because let’s face it, these two promise a ton of variety.

2TD

What we’ll see from them:
This couple screams university to me. After that, maybe some fun new careers—Delilah wants to be a stylist right now, and I can see Trance as an actor or a cop. Their kids will look weird af and I’m okay with that. Oh, and get ready for a lot more Majestic Swan Trance if I have anything to do with it (which—barring any blog hijackings—I will).

3SD

What we’ll see from them:
Star-crossed lovers getting to the bottom of the Quinnspiracy. I have half a mind to throw Dusty in Criminal just to make him more conflicted (elsewise keep him in military because that seems to fit). Siesta will probs do a future-related LTW and have the obligatory daddy issues storyline. Plumbots? Puppies? This pair is a bit of a wildcard tbh.

Traits deciphered:

Kip: Slob, Hates the Outdoors, Adventurous, Photographer’s Eye / Jada: Insane, Athletic, Light Sleeper, Mean-Spirited

Trance: Absent-Minded, Light Sleeper, Daredevil, Schmoozer / Delilah: Disciplined, Clumsy, Never Nude, Friendly

Siesta: Party Animal, Loves the Heat, Bot Fan, Animal Lover / Dusty: Loner, Clumsy, Frugal, Easily Impressed, Kleptomaniac

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Poll will be open for 7 days from today unless I decide to extend it!