7.9 Checkpoint

Well well well, look what the cat dragged in.

Oh no, my friend. It is not.

It was already gonna be awkward coming back to this in a new year, in a new decade, after an atrociously unproductive 2019 – but there’s a cruel irony in the fact that I must now return to you in a WHOLE NEW WORLD, minus the magic of Aladdin because air travel is cancelled and carpets don’t lend themselves to social distancing or germ prevention.

A world where everything sucks but at the very least gamerkind should be thriving, right?

And now the Langurds, asleep for the better part of a year, must awaken to this strange place where handshakes will never exist again but murder hornets will take over and for some reason everyone is baking bread all the time?

Siesta: ADSGFJALEFIETJPOA;JEGHW239PFOWEJSDV

Same.

7.3 Switching Protocols

I’m doing my darnedest to keep this momentum going, so let’s get straight into the next act of the shitshow!

Here we see a typical morning at the Langurd Lodge for Futuristic Wayfarers. After arriving with a crash of thunder that ruins my screenshots and wakes the baby, a guest makes himself at home in the nursery.

Colby: Ah, what a quaint little transport vessel! I believe this is what they called a bort.

It’s precisely at this point that I rage-delete the time portal and leave Colby forever stranded. I hope he learns how to sail that bort the fuck outta here.

7.0 Quinnspiracy Decoded: A Prologue

You guys voted for this star-crossed lovers business, and honour compels me to deliver on my promises in the fullest way possible. Which means—you guessed it—the Langurds are about to enter that shadowy, foreboding territory we call PLOT.

Don’t worry—Siesta’s generation will be played and written as much by the seat of my pants as the others have been. It’s just that after playing detective so many times in Gen. 6, I felt it would be helpful to put all of my “COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT” moments in one place.

So please humour me as I don my Halloween-store trench coat and cap, and attempt to mash together disjointed happenings into a wad that can conceivably be called “evidence.”

*ahem*

Without further ado, let us open the case!

6.7 Boulevard of Broken Dreams

And we’re off! Welcome to the first leg of a seven-day spirit journey. I hope you’re ready to feel closer to the Langurds than ever before (hey you in the back, I saw you swallow your vomit just now). Regrets? Absolutely not. Maybe a couple. Or twelve. Who am I kidding, guys? I’m in way over my head.

Our last instalment featured a disastrous bachelor party, a lacklustre wedding, and the birth of a Gen. 7 burrito, but not at all in that order. Don’t get me wrong—Cal and Quinn are totally traditional people who follow all the proper steps toward a conventional marriage.

Case in point—a timeless wedding ritual.

Cal: Is the cake good?

Quinn: WE MUST KNOW IF THE CAKE IS GOOD.

Skydancer: If I say no, does that doom you guys to infertility or something?

6.5 They All Rolled Over and One Fell Out

Fact: Canada as a nation turns 150 this July.

Fact: Eleven days later, this blog will turn 5.

Fact: I have been writing this blog for more than 3% of Canada’s existence.

Fact?: One day, I will compose an intro that isn’t a rehashed version of “legacy take long time, Gryffindork slow.”

Let’s get down to business to defeat the Huns. After far too much trolling, Quinn Flanagan has finally succumbed to Calamity’s good looks and agreed to date her… all while she’s been under an ugly spell. Figures.

Calamity: Face it, I’d be the most low maintenance girlfriend ever.

Quinn: You’re not wrong.

Meanwhile, Omen’s chess opponents keep getting glued to the upholstery after beating him.

Maeve: Gee, I’m getting sleepy.

6.2 Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?

Happy October 13th! Today (which is likely long before I will actually post this) marks three important occasions:

1) The 22nd birthday of my K-Pop bias, but let’s not get into that

2) The end of a year-long slap bet of which I am commissioner (meaning four of my guy friends are now free to get haircuts, thank god)

3) The awkward moment when we learn that, even with a fire up her butt, Gryffindork is an incorrigibly lazy S.O.B.

Well, guess what? Now it’s the last day of October, and I think it’s safe to say SimNaWriMo has me beat. To a pulp. But we will press on, and turn that pulp into paper!

*excuses self to vomit at own pun*

Now, where were we? Ah yes, in the pits of despair after Pokey’s silent passing.

Axorn: MY SOUL IS COLD AND EMPTY LIKE THE NIGHT

Gumby: What’s got him so upset?

…Did no one tell Gumby yet?! Well fuck, I’m certainly not doing it.

6.1 Wake Me Up When September Ends

Want to know what it takes for me to be productive these days? I am finally penning the first words of a post I’ve had prepped for three months, and only because…

a) Boolprop is running a marathon updating event where I get a shiny medal if I publish 3-10 of these bitches in October (spoiler: it won’t be 10)

b) My bedroom no longer gets a wi-fi signal thanks to the mythical router upstairs, which I am beginning to suspect is just a pair of rabbit ears stuck in a potato. This has cut me off from my #1 hobby of watching related YouTube videos until I can’t remember where I started or why I exist.

c) Yesterday’s quidditch tournament has rendered my every muscle completely useless, so I literally couldn’t do anything else even if I wanted to.

Why am I like this? D:

Anyhow, the stars have finally aligned—so here I am, making a start on GENERATION SIX!

We mark this milestone with a big “fuck you” to Isla Paradiso as we ship off to the Valley of Dragons.

DV greets us with an equivalent “fuck you” in the form of rain.

5.9 Well-Preserved Ruins

Let us begin this chapter with the Greatest Tragedy of Them All™.

I’m talking about the fact that the game thinks he has children. And family. And friends.

I’m sorry, I bet you’re all crying now. Things can only go up from here, right?

Buzz (writing): A gentle snow falls like bullets on my metal joints. I see her up in the distance, walking away from me. Then I realize it is just my shattered heart playing tricks on my weary mind.