Recalculating: A Long-Awaited Heir Poll!

I’m all out of words so let’s cut straight to the chase! First, make sure you didn’t miss Super Special #5, which was uploaded shortly before this was. Next, please forgive my half-assed trait cards. I’ve decided to omit LTWs in favour of a general direction in which each candidate might lead the legacy, because some of them are up in the air and others I’ve entirely forgotten. 😀

Without further ado, it’s time to pick your poison! (Yes, I’ve used that phrase before but it never becomes less appropriate.)

Feel free to drop a like/comment just to say you’ve voted! I’ll keep the poll up as long as it takes for all the regular readers to put in their two cents. Sadly I’ll be away from my computer for the rest of July and a good chunk of August, so I won’t be able to play for about a month anyway.

So take your time and think hard! It is a life-or-death decision, after all.

Happy Simming!

-Sam

P.S. I’M SO SORRY GUYS. The first poll made it impossible for me to check the results, so I had to make a new one. If you voted before 8:30pm EST on July 23rd (which I know at least one person did) please vote again. D:

Super Special #5: Satisfaction

I am so freakin’ excited. After four years and 32 posts, I will finally be able to unpause these fools. I mean, I technically already did that when I checked on the save, but… for real! Time will move forward. New Langurds will be born. I cannot fathom how satisfying it will be.

But first, let us close out a thoroughly discombobulating chapter of our lives, here at the Finger Painting College.

Kiko can longer avoid running into her past lovers, purely because there are so many of them.

Ludo: Hey Kiko, can we talk?

Kiko: New phone, who dis?

Ludo: Can you at least tell me how to get this lipstick off my face?

Kiko: Sorry, I don’t speak English.

Ludo: BUT YOU SAID I WAS YOUR WONDERWALL

Super Special #4: Lovers

Welcome back! We begin this fourth installment in the motherland after two out of seven students completed their studies at the Finger Painting College. I’d like to quickly acknowledge that this is not my own invention! It’s from a line in Bad Lip Reading’s “Medieval Land Fun Time World” that has stuck with me far longer than it should have.

Kyrii and Acara, being the nerds that they are, finished their degrees in a single semester. The others still have work to do, but everyone gets a quick break at home.

Kyrii: Nothing tastes quite like falling snowflakes in Dragon Valley.

It’s autumn, dude.

Kyrii: Nothing tastes quite like falling leaves in Dragon Valley.

The first thing Kyrii does is test out her newly-gained knowledge on the valley’s residents.

Kyrii: Quick, duck!

Fairy: AHHH!

Kyrii: No really, duck!

Kyrii: Got’cha there, didn’t I?

Fairy: You had to go to university to learn that?

Kyrii: FPC Class of ‘18, baby!

Kougra spends her short time at home on the only thing that matters.

Kougra: Get the gold finch! Come on, you can do it!

Kadoatie: Hmm, looks more gold-plated to me.

Kougra: K bye, I signed us up for more courses.

Are you sure you don’t want to—

Kougra: Nope, I’m good.

And so the five idiots ship off to continue their studies.

Kyrii: What are we supposed to do about Mom?

What do you mean?

Kyrii: She kicked us out, remember? Does she even know we’re back?

Oh, um, I can’t brain my way out of that one right now so good luck!

Pete: Dend meat hehehehehe

Alright! Second semester, here we come! With only five Langurds, we’re bound to get a few new roommates. We’ll have to see if Aaron has the guts to come back or not.

Kau: Whoa… we have hands?

Tonu: Turkeys are bigger than chickens?!

The trip always seems to leave them a bit addled.

Tonu makes his priorities clear.

Tonu: I want my money back, Jim.

The place is alarmingly clean. I ought to check if that includes the stove.

But first…

Aaron: Did you miss me!

There’s our guy! The fact that he opted to be the Langurds’ roommate again does not say much for his intelligence, but at least Ixi will be pleased.

Kau wastes no time in calling Mika over. It looks like she’s decided to remain a pirate forevermore, and nothing could make him happier.

Mika: While you were gone, I learned how to navigate using the stars.

Except maybe that.

Kau: I think I love you.

Mika: Hey, your new roommate’s pretty cute.

Kau: Excuse me?

Jarod: Everyone wants a piece of the ‘stache.

Kau reminds her where her loyalties lie by dipping her dangerously close to the bonfire.

Kau: What? No! I just thought she might be cold.

Somehow I actually believe that.

Kau: So, are you gonna be my pirate queen?

Mika: Only if you promise to shower more often.

Kau: I thought that smell was coming from you.

Mika: Is it? Huh. Well then, sign me up.

I literally couldn’t tell you one way or another. Mika’s the likely culprit since she’s wearing yesterday’s clothes, but then…

…apparently no one is innocent here.

Ixi: You know, a gentleman would typically offer a lady his jacket in weather like this.

Aaron: A lady would typically not smell like ass.

Ah, young love. ❤

Ixi: I should tell you now, it may be hard to keep up with me when I become a famous politician.

Aaron: Please keep your arms down…

Not everyone is so lucky in love.

Kiko: Hey guys, I’m Kiko.

Jarod: I know you. You’re the evil seductress.

Kiko: Yeah no. Can you two do me a favour and go hit on my sister Kougra? She’s painfully single and it’s just sad to watch.

Jarod: Oh. Uh, sure. I guess.

Jarod: Are you my appendix? Because I have a funny feeling in my stomach that says I should take you out.

Kougra: You should probably go see a doctor.

Jarod: No, I’m not— dammit.

Armando: Step aside, step aside.

Armando: Girl, do I have pneumonia? Because you’re giving me the chills.

Kougra: Seriously, I’m worried about you two.

Jarod: We gave it our best shot.

Armando: She’s a tough nut.

Realistically, neither of these fools is getting with any of my girls.

With his queen secured, Kau’s next order of business is to get back on the sea. Apparently there is actually a beach at university—convenient that I waited so long to find it.

Kau: I really gotta upgrade this thing to make room for the kids.

Since this is a time for new beginnings, I figured I’d let these two homebodies out on the prowl. The Chams are throwing a pool party with no pool in the middle of winter, which sounds about right.

Kougra: I’m only going inside because it’s fucking freezing out here.

Meanwhile, Ixi takes  a little more convincing.

Ixi: A fraternity kegger? Must I?

But only a little.

Ixi: YES! Aaron’s here!

Subtle, real subtle.

Jarod: And he’s rockin’ that guitar!

Aaron: ♫ Today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you ♫

Oh lord, not another one.

Ixi finds her party corner, as you do. I’m not sure why these idiots have a podium in their basement—probably so Jeff can broadcast his every thought to the tune of thunderous applause.

Ixi: Fraternity. It’s a fickle concept in and of itself, yet one that binds together the lunkheaded masses. But is my brother not your brother, and is his brother not our brother?

Ixi: Am I right, people?

*crickets*

She’d know better if she spent anytime around here. The only way to capture anyone’s attention is with an acoustic guitar and a white dude’s banger.

Ludo: ♫ And all the roads we have to walk are winding ♫

On another note, pink lipstick is really taking off as a fashion trend. Are they all copying Jeff?

Ludo: The thing is, I can’t seem to get it off.

Curious.

The holiday season is here, and I pity the fool who had to hang these lights.

I’ll bet it was Aaron.

Aaron: What do you say, Tonu? You up for some festive gym smustling?

Tonu: This dress is too big for me!

Aaron: Awesome!

Ixi ought to be jealous that her man prefers hanging out with Tonu, but she probably can’t hear anything over “Grand Theft Automobile.”

Kougra: She’s slacking off and I have to go to class? This feels backwards.

Well hey, if it isn’t Martina Bassett! A ray of sunshine in an otherwise dull land of jabronis.

Martina: Just out for a little jog.

In ankle deep snow, in a sundress.

Martina: You hatin’?

On the contrary, you’re my hero.

Kiko’s on the hunt for new… friends… so she ventures out to the Student Union—where Kougra’s classmate is still grappling with the aftermath of Professor Brain’s study.

Classmate: Now I gotta find a new major.

Sylvia: Cheer up, it could be worse!

Classmate: LOOK AT ME.

It appears Kiko has a wonderful, awful idea.

Jarvis: Ooh, what is it?

Kiko: Say Jarvis, you do look awfully dashing in that suit, but I have a feeling you’d look even better out of it.

Jarvis: WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY SUIT

Kiko: Sorry, sorry. Let me go a little more basic.

Kiko: Jarvis Suggs, you’re my wonderwall.

Jarvis: FOR REALZ?

Exchange Student: Hello, I have just arrived and they did not feed us on the flight. Where on this campus might I find some affordable food?

University Gods: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Apparently shoving Llama Man to the backburner for now, Kiko gets her eye back on the prize.

Kiko: Hello, Harold.

Harold: Kiko…

Kiko: I’ve been looking for you.

Harold: I’m gonna stop you right there. I’m flattered and all, but I’m one Cham you’re not gonna get.

Kiko: But you’re my wonderwall…

Harold: Guhhh… *loses grip on reality*

Apparently her work is done for now.

Kiko: I need to recharge my powers.

I thought you said the seductress thing was a rumour?

Kiko: Meh, I’m just rolling with it at this point.

Oh no, who let Tonu get to Mika? Kau, where are you??

Kau (way out on the water): I’M COMING BABY *paddles furiously*

Uh, this is bad.

Mika: Kau never told me he had such a handsome brother…

Tonu: Come on down!

But then—

Tonu: This town isn’t big enough for the both of us!

Mika: What are you suggesting?

This is what I meant about inflicting Tonu on ordinary citizens.

Tonu: Toothpaste will help keep your teeth clean.

Mika: Why I oughtta…

But it turns out Mika can dish out the crazy just as well.

Mika: Know what else keeps your teeth clean?

Tonu: I’m a housewife!

And Tonu’s the one who walks away with his panties in a twist.

Mika: Anyway, nice meeting you.

Tonu: My dad makes yoghurt.

She’s completely unfazed. This girl belongs.

Tonu, meanwhile, needs to cool off.

Harry: How’s the water?

Tonu: Don’t worry, be happy!

Harry: Good point!

Harry: Hey man, this is actually pretty terrible…

Tonu: We’re all in this together.

Tonu: Who do they believe you are? *splash*

Harry: Hey, I thought we were in this together!

Behold—the stove is clean! But I still don’t trust it.

Ixi: You’re not going to start another fire, are you?

Aaron: Aww, come on. Only one of those was me.

Aaron: See? It’s fine.

Ixi: Well alright then.

Stove: BOOM

Aaron: DAMN YOU YOU CRAPBOX

Ixi: I told him so, didn’t I? Now my cereal’s going to get soggy.

Ixi: I BLOODY WELL TOLD YOU SO.

Aaron: Yeah, yeah. Are you gonna run into the flames or what?

Ixi: Saaaaaave meeeeee!

Aaron: Someone needs to teach you guys the art of evacuation.

Kau: Did I miss it?

Aaron (directly to camera): FIX THEM.

Ixi: Well, at least that didn’t take long. My cereal ought to still be—

Jarod: Morning, Ixi! Thanks for the cereal.

Ixi: You monster.

How I live for effortless segues.

Kau: Hey Mika, I was thinking about our ship upgrades and I really think we should monster-proof the keel, you know? You never know when Nessie’s gonna strike.

…

Kau: What do you mean she only lives in a specific body of water in Scotland? How was I supposed to know that??

Is it just me, or is Kau starting to look slightly less like a string bean that got plucked too soon?

Tonu: I have a feeling the boss won’t be happy about this!

Kau: Wow, thanks guys! I guess it’s not about the push-ups you do—it’s about the push-ups you say you do!

He’s also reminding me more of his father every day. Which, I mean, isn’t the worst thing?

Ixi: Astronauts! What are they good for? Absolutely nothing!

I take it back. No one respects the man.

Powers recharged, Kiko sets out to continue her mission.

Harold: Whoa! You knock me off my feet, girl!

Kiko: Get up, loser.

But now is not the time, apparently.

Harold: I gotta go. I’ll be back later to… play some video games… if you know what I mean.

Kiko: Kinda wish I could skip this one.

If I leave the dorm unsupervised for any length of time, chances are someone is gonna be hounding Aaron when I get back.

Aaron: That fire wasn’t my fault, I swear! It’s that stupid defective stove!

Ixi: Pull yourself together.

Aaron: Sorry. I just mean… maybe we’d all get along better if we stopped pointing the finger about these stupid fires.

Ixi: I’ll point my finger if I darn well want to!

Aaron: Can you please not point it at my junk though?

Ixi: YOU KNOW IT’S NOT INTENTIONAL

Aaron: Do I though?

I know he’s kind of a menace to society, but poor Tonu hasn’t had much of a chance for socialization in his life. So when the Tri-Frum sorority invites him to a party, of course I let him loose on their silly little house.

Samantha: Sarah, did you invite a boy to the slumber party?

Sarah: Nooooo…

Samantha: SARAH.

Sarah: Okay fine, maybe I did.

Ye: That doesn’t work for me. I’m out.

Sarah: Aww come on, don’t be like that…

Samantha: OMG. Wait a second. You’re Tofu Beancurd!

Hannah: No way! That garbage singer from Dragon Valley?

Entire Room: *HORRIFIED GASP*

He was bound to run into a hater eventually.

Hannah: What? You all act like he’s some artistic genius, but his lyrics don’t even make sense!

Samantha: I apologize for her ignorance.

Tonu: I stepped on a CORNFLAKE!

Shannon: Great, now look what you’ve done. He’s leaving and it’s all your fault. You’re totally getting voted out of Tri-Frum.

*Sisters echo* TRI-FRUM!

Brace yourselves, for we are about to experience the most ridiculous and villainous chapter of Kiko’s Evil Seductress… thing.

It all starts when she encounters Mugsy on this remote, snow-covered plot. Was it planned? Was it accidental? I could not tell you if I wanted to.

Kiko: Oh, hey Mugsy. What’s up?

Mugsy: Mugsy make snowmugsy.

Kiko: Cool, cool. I’ll just be over here.

WHOMP

Kiko: Hey look, I’m making a snow Kiko! Get it? ‘Cause I’m an angel?

You keep telling yourself that.

Kiko: Here, let me help you with Snowmugsy.

Mugsy: No touch Snowmugsy’s butt!!

Kiko: Gee, sorry.

Kiko then gets to work building a cozy igloo while Mugsy practice his flirting.

Mugsy: Bone Lady like fish? Mugsy catch good fish with bare hands.

What happened to the igloo? Please don’t tell me…

Kiko: You’re my wonderwall.

Lord help us.

Except…

Mugsy: Wonder… wall?

Kiko: That’s right, Brotoaski. You’re putty in my hands.

Mugsy: No putty! No wonderwall! You disgust Mugsy!

Kiko: OH COME ON, THAT HAS NEVER NOT WORKED

She quickly realizes she needs to speak his language.

Kiko: Kiko strong female! Look for strong male!

Mugsy: Mugsy strong male!!

Kiko & Mugsy: MAKE BOOM BOOM!

A thoroughly disturbing mating ritual.

But Mugsy of all people seems strangely aware that he’s being played. At the first possible opportunity, he takes off on his bike looking positively terrified.

And Kiko retires to her icy cavern for the night.

Kiko: Meh, I’ll get him next time.

Dammit, I really need to watch these fools. Kougra, leave the man alone!

Kougra: You’re stupid.

Aaron: Pretty rich coming from you.

Meanwhile, Kau engages in the most mundane of college activities.

Garrison: I gotta say, no one’s ever asked for their espresso brewed with saltwater before.

Kau: You got any dried fish?

Garrison: Hahaha, you sure are a character.

Garrison: Here you go dude. Stay warm out there!

He flagrantly disobeys.

Kau: I savour the chill in my bones.

So does Kiko, apparently. I guess this is where she lives now.

Kiko: Come along, Mugsy. Let’s pick up where we left off.

Mugsy: Mugsy get some?

Mugsy get some.

The disappointment on her face.

Mugsy: Mugsy feel extra manly now. Mugsy go lift rocks.

Kiko: You have fun with that.

This “project” is starting to bore you, huh?

Kiko: Humanity bores me.

Fair.

Kiko: Yeah man, those aren’t rocks.

Mugsy: Rock too big. Make more Snowmugsy instead.

Kiko: Or you could go home.

She fully ignores him after they leave the igloo, yet he keeps hanging around on the “date.” Somebody seems a little attached.

Not Kiko though. She’s ready to use this little snow palace to its full potential.

Harold: You called?

Kiko: You answered?

Harold: Huh?

Kiko: Never mind. Let’s get to it.

Harold: There’s a great little Italian joint on the other side of—

Kiko: Yeah no, we’re going to my igloo.

Skelly: Can you feel the love tonight?

Snowmugsy: Not really, nah.

Samantha: You wanted to talk?

Kyle: Yeah, I can’t do this anymore.

Samantha: I don’t understand! I thought we were fine!

Kyle: Oh really? Ever since you got all gaga for that weirdo singer—

Samantha: Tofu has nothing to do with us!

Kyle: Yeah, well neither do I.

Samantha: Kyle…

Harold: BEST DAY EVER

This is what I come back to. Hey, at least she’s not tearing a strip off of Aaron?

Aaron: I didn’t think you were the red solo cup type.

Ixi: When in Rome, as they say.

Never mind.

Ixi: You are a fool!

Aaron: I get it. Once a day is really enough.

0

Aaron ought to take a leaf out of Kiko’s book and just move the fuck out. But only that leaf—certainly no others.

Kiko: Hey now, my choices are flawless. Especially marshmallows for dinner.

Uh huh.

Well, apparently she’s a trendsetter—more and more townies are taking up camp on her secluded patch of snow. I guess this lot was designed to be a hideout for underage drinkers.

Paul: Wait, what happened to marshmallows for dinner?

Kiko: Nah man, carrots are the new thing. Get with the times.

Paul: Man, fuck your carrots!

Kiko: No thank you.

Paul: Fuck your snow angel!

Kiko: Dude, go home.

So much rage.

OH MY FUCKING GOD.

Jarod: Hey guys, I think something’s wrong with the stove.

Jarod: Welp, better get to class!

Armando: Seriously??!

Aaron: Why is it always me?

This dorm has really milked his Brave trait for all it’s worth. I confirmed that one on his SimWiki page, but it turns out I was wrong about Absent-Minded and Slob. Which means everyone has been calling him stupid purely because they felt like it.

Well, apparently this is the Kiko Show now. For those keeping track, she has just one Cham left to… corrupt.

Kiko: You sure are a difficult Cham to track down. Do you like, actually go to class or something?

Mahmoud: Yes.

Kiko: You really don’t have to do that. This school is a brain-rotting garbage dump.

Kid: Don’t disrespect the FPC!

Figures a twelve year old got accepted here. They let the Langurds in, didn’t they?

I was kidding about Mugsy getting attached, but maybe I wasn’t wrong.

Mugsy: Igloo boom boom?

Kiko: Maybe later. I’m a little busy.

Mugsy: Later?

Kiko: Yeah. Or never. I dunno. Go lift some rocks.

Things are going okay with Mahmoud until Bettie Franklin shows up and whoops his ass.

Mahmoud: Why??!

Bettie: Unclear.

Kiko: Officially borrowing that reason for everything. Thanks!

Bettie: You’re welcome!

Kiko: Okay but you really killed the mood, so I take that back.

Bettie: Too late!

Mahmoud: Girls are so mean!

Kiko: Dammit. I was so close, too.

Bettie: Take me instead?

Kiko: Umm no offence, but no.

Background Dude: Attention, people! Yetis are real and they will steal your girlfriends!

“No offence”, she says, and then ducks behind a bush to do this.

Kiko: Listen punk, this is my turf. If you show up and ruin another hookup for me, I will turn you into a snowmugsy.

Bettie: I don’t even know what that means!

Not so discrete, it seems.

Kiko: Did you get all that?

Harry: I think so.

Kiko: Good. I want the world to fear me.

Yeah, they may be getting mixed messages. Evil and Friendly is an absolute doozy of a trait combo.

But now, back to Kau looking extremely out-of-place while doing completely mundane things.

Kau: Mika hasn’t changed her relationship status on Facebook…

Probably because no one uses Facebook anymore, noob.

Kau: What??! Then how is the world supposed to know we’re in love?

He is then interrupted by the… hand-holding bandit?

Paul: I will hold every hand on campus and no one will be any the wiser!

Paul: Hey man, I just wanted to say how cool your whole pirate thing is. I really hope it goes well for you.

Kau: Wow that’s so nice of—

Paul: *reaches for hand*

Kau: Dude what are you doing?

Taste of his own medicine, I think.

That’s funny, why would I take a picture of Jarvis going into the photob—

Oh.

Passerby: Niiiiiiiiiiice. We all do it sometimes, am I right?

Eww, go away.

KIKO NO.

Kiko: Brb, gotta go burn this.

I don’t make a habit of using “smh”, but smh.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

SO CLOSE GUYS. Just one more mini-post and then I can throw up an heir poll! It may be more like Saturday since my sister is getting married tomorrow, but I’ve already taken some silly snapshots of our candidates so it won’t be long.

Thank you for your likes and comments, and Happy Simming!

-Sam

Super Special #3: Inferno

This university saga is pure chaos. I have vague memories of playing it, but I no longer have the slightest idea what I was thinking.

For instance, Kiko’s life choices are beyond questionable.

Kiko: Don’t judge me.

I mean, all the power to you. But seriously… the Chams???

Kiko: I have my reasons.

Not that anyone could’ve forgotten, but Ludo is her second conquest after declaring war on the frat and then bedding Jeff in the last chapter.

Super Special #2: Vendetta

Welcome back! I’m fresh off of Part 1 and trying hard not to lose steam. Got my coffee brewed, my knuckles cracked, and my Breath of the Wild piano playlist on shuffle.

Yeah, if you’re ever curious why this blog goes from goofy to dramatic in a heartbeat, you should take a look at my Spotify library. XD

Previously, the Subversive Seven (a working title) were exiled from Dragon Valley by their mother for being too good at life.

Now here they are at the Finger Painting College (maybe?), where so far they’ve bowled, attended questionable classes, and made zero friends.

But it’s time to fix that! Kiko and Kau are off to their very first college party at the Urele-Oresha-Cham Fraternity.

Like any good frat party, people have already started taking off their clothes.

Ludo: Jeff sure knows how to throw a party.

Super Special #1: Exiled

Why hello, and welcome to an unprecedented chunk of in-between updates chronicling the Seven Squad’s university adventures!

This whole part is really unnecessary, but a lot of stupid things happened during their time away and I have an uncontrollable need to make jokes about it.

Previously, the quads aged up into young adults and I totally left you hanging. So let me pre-emptively fill you in on their final traits: Kau rolled Childish, Kiko rolled Irresistible, Kougra rolled Night Owl, and Kyrii rolled Socially Awkward.

As for their looks, you’ll see them when you see them. Now let’s dive in!

Also of note from last chapter—the kids have sneakily been buying out businesses around town. They started big with the military/law enforcement HQ, which is now referred to as The Dump and has approximately four employees left.

This is our new acquisition: Hospitoilet. I don’t have a screencap of firing Dr. Jeff, but it’s nice to know that we could if we wanted to.

Ixi: FOR FALAFEL!

7.26 OK

This is it. The OFFICIAL last chapter of Generation Seven—not because it’s actually over, but because I have decided to deem it so, and because I have the power.

Everything after this is university, and I’m currently making hella efforts to condense all of that into 4-5 posts—but we all know that won’t happen.

I have ALSO decided that when I finally get back to gameplay, I’m going to restart from the end of university. I have several versions of the save I could jump back to, but I had an heir in mind when I played ahead, and I’m not sure how I feel anymore. I also want to know how you guys feel!

All that to say—optimistically, in 4-5 posts’ time, there will be an heir poll! AND THEN WE SHALL MOVE FORWARD AT LAST.

Previously, we saw a future in which Siesta Langurd was synonymous with failure, which sounds an awful lot like the present tbh. She sought to redeem herself with a legacy statue, and in the process, cobbled together a wondrous thing we call Pudley.

Siesta: Hey, you’re pretty cool. But how would you like to be aware that you’re cool?

Pudley: Piatto del giorno!

Siesta: I have outdone myself.

Pudley is, for all intents and purposes, a newly built future-tech PlumBot with Sentience. And that means the future folk are gonna build a statue of his creator. Hey—I don’t make the rules.

7.25 Retry With

Hello, dear readers, and welcome to another dang chapter. The material I’m dealing with is now four years old, and I’m officially at the point where I look at a screenshot and go “HUH?” for twelve minutes before taking complete creative licence. Facts are lost to the netherworld, traits are forgotten, and townie names are only screencapped about 10% of the time.

That’s right. All Langurd content from here until Gen 8 is complete, unadulterated bullshit.

But what else is new?

Last time, in a scrappy little excuse for an update: Kougra stepped outside and got abducted; Ixi went skinnydipping with the robot who changed her diapers (lord help us); Acara’s musician boyfriend got jealous of her professional success; Siesta peed in the hot tub; and Tonu became a young adult. 

He swiftly joined the professional singer career, and now here we are.

Kiko: For me?

Tonu: Shawty Imma party til the sun down

Kiko: I mean that’s like 8pm but you do you bro.

7.24 Processing

Ahoy, mateys! Let us sail forth into uncharted waters, past that obvious Bokoblin camp on the hill and beyond this world to the place I know where I cannot go where I long to—

Hahahaha just kidding. We are good and stuck here ‘til the end of conceivable time! Can you tell I want to be literally anywhere that’s not Dragon Valley??

But anyway, welcome back! Previously, everyone hated the new butler. A grounded Kau resigned himself to the life of a landlubber. Kougra tried on many hats. Kyrii cured cancer and Tonu un-cured it. Ixi became a politician overnight, which is pretty standard these days. Acara was boring, and Kiko was the opposite but still did nothing worth mentioning. Names got you twisted? Have no fear! I have conveniently omitted five whole Langurds from this recap in the interest of simplicity!

Fuck.

Let us see what they’re all up to now.

7.23 Service Unavailable

Welcome back—to yet another post that will undoubtedly disappear into the ridiculous blur of Generation Seven. I can’t imagine how you all feel trying to keep things straight, because I’m barely hanging on myself.

Previously, Dusty topped his career AT LONG FREAKING LAST and dumped his boss, Patty. Kiko and Siesta became mortal enemies, Ixi returned from snob school, Acara went from humdrum teenager to humdrum young adult, and many a mastermind plot was hatched.

But most importantly, in a tragedy that rivaled losing the unicorn, we said goodbye to the greatest butler of all time. And no—June didn’t die. She just stopped doing her job and then vanished in a hallway.

Such is the circle of life.

Her (second) replacement is such a disappointment that I didn’t even bother to screencap her name.

Butler: Sweet, who made waffles?

Siesta: Evidently not you.