6.2 Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?

Happy October 13th! Today (which is likely long before I will actually post this) marks three important occasions:

1) The 22nd birthday of my K-Pop bias, but let’s not get into that

2) The end of a year-long slap bet of which I am commissioner (meaning four of my guy friends are now free to get haircuts, thank god)

3) The awkward moment when we learn that, even with a fire up her butt, Gryffindork is an incorrigibly lazy S.O.B.

Well, guess what? Now it’s the last day of October, and I think it’s safe to say SimNaWriMo has me beat. To a pulp. But we will press on, and turn that pulp into paper!

*excuses self to vomit at own pun*

Now, where were we? Ah yes, in the pits of despair after Pokey’s silent passing.

Axorn: MY SOUL IS COLD AND EMPTY LIKE THE NIGHT

Gumby: What’s got him so upset?

…Did no one tell Gumby yet?! Well fuck, I’m certainly not doing it.

5.10 Alone Together

I know I said Sim Salad was next on the agenda, but it’s Valentine’s Day, and on Valentine’s Day you should be with the people you love.

Lol jk, only using them to cure my writer’s block.

Now where did we leave off last time? Nothing important, right? No cruel cliffhangers? Excellent, let’s get back to our everyday Langurd stalking.

Since Calamity’s birthday, there’s been some speculation as to how Brave/Insane/Couch Potato would manifest in a sim. Well, let me show you.

Calamity: I like to live dangerously. *dark laugh*

Calamity: I DON’T WANT TO LIVE DANGEROUSLY I WANT TO TAKE A NAP.

The first of many case studies.

5.9 Well-Preserved Ruins

Let us begin this chapter with the Greatest Tragedy of Them All™.

I’m talking about the fact that the game thinks he has children. And family. And friends.

I’m sorry, I bet you’re all crying now. Things can only go up from here, right?

Buzz (writing): A gentle snow falls like bullets on my metal joints. I see her up in the distance, walking away from me. Then I realize it is just my shattered heart playing tricks on my weary mind.

5.8 Lukewarm Enthusiasm

Who is Luke, and why is he warm? Why isn’t it Michaelwarm or Garywarm? Why does Luke get all the glory? Why am I writing these words and how do I stop?

Um, yes.

Previously, Gumby took a leap of faith stupidity and invested in a crappy resort called the Fool’s Goldmine. Several days into its operations, I decided we’d better check in on the place to ensure that leap doesn’t end in a deadly fall.

Receptionist: Oh boy, here we go again. *sigh* Hi, welcome to the Fool’s Goldmine. Can I interest you in a stale breakfast or a cold shower?

Gumby: Miss, I own this place.

Receptionist: I’m sorry. Can I interest you in a FREE stale breakfast or cold shower?

5.7 When Hell Freezes Over

…is when I’ll learn to update this sodding legacy.

Until then, we’ll all just have to deal with my natural blogging patterns, which—let’s be real—can be mostly summarized as: “When real life sucks, turn to Sims.”

And so, in a state of post-Christmas, cat-hates-me, roommate-got-a-boyfriend and it’s-cold-outside disenchantment, here we are.

It’s good to be back.

Omen: Just wanted to let you fools know I’m getting emancipated. You’re no longer my parents and I’m going into Sith training on Korriban.

5.6 The Perfect Storm

Welcome back! Last chapter, Balboa died quietly in his sleep while a massive fire brought his jelly bean garden to the ground. It was pretty cool, and everyone is having a blast now that he’s gone.

Wtf Gumby? I was joking! You’re not actually supposed to be enjoying yourself.

Gumby: Yeehaw, Sonny Jim!

5.5 Bittersweet

Question: What’s the longest you guys have ever played for in one sitting? I’m too ashamed to admit mine, but let’s just say I’ve been putting in almost full days lately, and it’s taking its toll. I moved some stuff into my RL apartment today, and when my cat immediately started nosing around the new trash can, I saw “Check Out New Object” hovering in his action queue. Then I sat down with a glass of water and asked myself what life is.

Of course, it doesn’t help that when I’m not playing, I’m writing posts or editing screenshots or formatting blogs. But hey, you gotta live control fake people’s lives while you’re young!

Alternatively, you can live while you’re old like Lira. She seems to have really come into her own since she hit elderhood, and more specifically, since she embalmed herself in the pursuit of eternal youth.

Lira: Stupid bunny rabbit! I wanted an alien!

Still pining after Teqeq?

Lira: Who is Teqeq?

5.4 Accidentally on Purpose

I’ve been having a crisis lately about writing believable characters. I know — this is The Sims, and no one expects it to be an actual simulation of life. However, my ambitions do involve someday writing for a living, and I like to think that this is helping me toward that goal in some way. Is it really very helpful if I keep writing caricature morons with no emotional drive? Can anyone actually relate to this family?

Then, I started watching Arrested Development while editing my screenshots. (Kind of relevant if you consider it’s where Gobias Koffi and the Never Nude trait were born.) Gob was putting on a magic show to The Final Countdown and I thought never mind, this stuff actually sells. The Bluths could be the Langurds’ role models. It’s not like we’ve reached that level of weird, right?

Frieda: I will marry and outlive everyone until I inherit the entire earth! *thunderclap*

Okay, thanks for the reality check.

5.3 Procrastinate Now

Ah, my philosophy of life! I’m afraid I’ve made the title scheme painfully obvious for this generation, but I can’t ALWAYS be cryptic. Or should I say… explicitly ambiguous? 😉

Last time, stuff happened! Oh, you want specifics? Erm… I wrote that post yesterday and already, all I remember is that a baby was born.

Little Omen the alien genius! Behold the first green-on-green-on-green shot of him, and let it burn into your retinas because it will likely be the last.

Fun fact: I haven’t caught him with his eyes open yet. It’s because he’s secretly Brock from Pokémon.

5.2 Trouble in Paradise

Another chapter so soon?! (You ask in distress.) I’m sorry. I should probably leave a courtesy buffer or something but sometimes the words just keep flowing, y’know?

Last time, Gumby fell in love with Frieda Salas, an evil ghost who wants to kill him and steal his money. Lira had tea with her SimBots and lamented the curse of aging. Mandrake broke my game, and Boa tried in vain to die by jelly bean. I know now that that can’t happen, but for the sake of continuity and my pride I’m going to pretend I am none the wiser.

(Pretend not to be wise? How ever shall I do that?)

Gumby’s second date with Frieda was a raging and unreasonable success. I know the shot I gave you last chapter was a little stingy, so here’s a better look at her face.

Frieda: So hypothetically, what colour would you want your ghost to be?

Gumby: I don’t know. Why?

Frieda: Oh, no reason.

For anyone wondering, this is her real, EA-given colouring. All of the Midnight Hollow ghosts seem to look like this underneath, i.e. so white they must have been genetically engineered by Hitler himself.