Wait, wtf? We’re at Chapter 3.5 already?? But that’s like, half the generation gone! We’re supposed to have babies by now KATANA YOU LAZY SHIT
Katana: Babies are hard. I’mma go take a three-day nap so good luck with that legacy thing.
gung ho [guhng-hoh] – adj.: extremely enthusiastic and enterprising, sometimes to excess. Adopted by US marines from Chinese Pidgin English.
This is my life lately. Why, only today I am “enterprising” to sew a dress, clean my room, do laundry, write four French assignments, and caption these 100-odd screenshots.
Not only that, but this chapter is so ambitious that the only other apt title would be “Five Birthdays, Three Life-Threatening Experiences, Two Destinies Fulfilled, Two Graduations, Two Kind-of Deaths, a Birth, a Party, an Abandonment, and a Wedding.”
Having read that description, you can probably just skip the chapter. But please don’t. I put my blood and tears into these things.
We begin with a father-daughter trip to China, undertaken by each party with a heavy heart.
Razor: O great spirit of Sim-Fu, grant me the strength to defeat the Abitar without glitching into oblivion.
Katana: Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou— Just kidding, I’m only upset about being outside.
Great news! Finals are over and I’m pretty sure I didn’t fail them. In fact, I may have even maintained my straight-A reputation, but that remains to be seen and I don’t want to jinx anything so I’m going to stop talking about grades now and transfer my enthusiasm to whatever the fuck is happening in the screenshot below… a.k.a. motherly affection from Arabella??? Jesus, this is Tewl’s monogamous streak all over again.
Katana: Um, why are you touching me?
Arabella: I heard you were upset about being grounded. So, pip pip cheerio and all that.
Katana: I don’t think that means what you think it does.
Is anybody else slightly terrified by this?
‘Cause I know I am. If you’ve read my foreword, you’ll know that I don’t cope too well with these kinds of changes, and neither do my legacies. I tend to get caught between excitement and nostalgia, and then I curl up in a ball of jittery indecision which soon becomes a mushroom cloud of “SCREW IT JUST TAKE MY MONEY.” And let’s be honest here, it’s not like I’m going to finish this thing anytime in the next year. Thus the terrification; I want so badly to finish this legacy but I also know these games will probably be obsolete before I can manage that. So what do?
I guess I should be glad this is the biggest stresser in my life right now. 😛
Hey, people! So I’m super stoked right now because I earned $20 digging up dead saplings for my mom and I’m using it as an excuse to go by Supernatural. I know, I know — I’m pathetically behind on expansions. It’s because I have this nasty habit of throwing money out the door, and I’ve been trying to kick that habit in the last year or so. That means no “unnecessary purchases” allowed. Apparently these things fall into that category, which is dumb. I want houseboats and skating rinks and university. 😦
(I’m 20, guys. I know sometimes it sounds as if I’m 12.)
Anyway, my morals are waging war on each other because I’m so tempted to just give in and buy the four EPs I’m missing, but it’s a lot of money to spend all at once, especially since I recently quit my part-time job. Which ones are worth it if I just want to spice up my game? If anybody has advice, feel free to lend it!
Also feel free to lend me $25, because I just made the mistake of finding this gem online:
Goddammit, why am I not a millionaire?
Right. Back to business.
When we last saw these guys, the last of the kids aged up into young adults and I sent them on a celebratory “last hurrah” vacation to China. Razor discovered the martial arts, Keg whined like a broken dishwasher to Billy Ray Cyrus, and Rotter found Gorgeous Foreign Woman 2.0 after a severe head trauma. Upon their return, a catastrophic succession of “accuse of cheating”s left everyone’s love life in a mess. Let’s see how they’re faring today.
It was early afternoon. Rotter had gone for a ride across town with his loyal mare, Bertha. Exhausted and saturated with their typical odour of household refuse, they made for the nearest watery oasis. As they crested the hill, Rotter heard the most enchanting melody wafting toward them from under the trees.
Greetings! It’s a pleasure to have you back, and I’m sure you have so missed the company of Tewl and the gang during the past week or so. Ha-ha-ha hilarious, right? (Please don’t leave me alone with them again.)
In recent news, I let this site’s one-year anniversary slip by like a boss. Yeah. It was on July 15th, and I did absolutely zip to celebrate, commemorate, or even acknowledge it. I guess I was too busy celebrating more important birthdays like, uh, Harry Potter’s. I would express some kind of dismay or whatever but I’m really not that sorry, especially looking at how little progress this thing has made in its year of existence.
In the last instalment, Tewl married Morgana! Exclamation mark because I still can’t quite believe it. But in spite of my initial doubts, we have a new and improved Tewl on our hands who has not so much as looked at another woman. I know, right? It’s almost too good to be true…
Tewl: Dere seems to be a invisible magnit dat draws us to—
Aww hell no! Didn’t you learn your lesson the last eighty times you cheated on somebody?
Tewl: C’mon man, she so blonde and dopey!
Paparazzi Dope: And he’s just a real flatterer!
As much as you two are made for each other, I do not approve of this development.
Tewl: What Morgana dun know ain’t hurt ‘er, yo.
This is it! The generation that would not end is finally coming to a semi-close. I just want to thank everybody who’s been reading thus far for sticking with me. I know some of these chapters have been a trek due to my ridiculous verbosity, but I promise it will only get more enjoyable from here on out. And now I’ll stop acting like we’ve finished the goddamn legacy and remind myself that this is only 10% complete, and we’ve still got eight more generations of Langurds to birth and thousands of pictures to caption and ahhh, what have I gotten myself into??
Let’s pick up where we left off, shall we? With all the kids sprouted into gangly hormonal teenagery things, the second gen Langurds were gearing up for the biggest night of their lives. PROM, bitches! Now let’s make a huge deal out of it even though it will only end in deflation, rejection, and disillusionment.
As the sun crested over the hills of Sunset Valley and evening began to approach, even the family gnome was getting into the spirit. Yeah, I still don’t know his name because my game hates me right now. For now I’m calling him George after George R. R. Martin because let’s be honest, there’s a pretty solid resemblance there.
George: I WILL KILL EVERYTHING YOU LOVE… AND DANCE ON ITS GRAVE
I hope he will have many gnome descendants.
Guysguysguys guess what? This is the second last chapter I have to write before Gen. One is over! Well, probably. I might tie up some loose ends later, but it’s been for-freaking-ever since I opened the game file, so really, I have no idea where I’m at. In true Langurd style, we’ve been trudging along blindly for the last three or four chapters. Ain’t that comforting?
Looking back on it, last chapter was pretty ADHD. I could probably have cut 70% of the screenshots without taking away any value. In the parts that mattered, the family became $4,000 richer with the ethically questionable Collection Helper (although I maintain that it was not cheating), the triplets grew up into stylin’ personas that sound like Hallowe’en costumes, and we collectively agreed that the House of Langurd does not bode well with nature. On that note…
Rotter: Right. Now where would I find a mouse ‘round here?
Oh, I don’t know. Somewhere between the central processing boulder and the Blu-Ray tree?
Rotter: Awesum! I’mma check dere!