Mysteries of the Universe Explained
Have you ever wondered at the meaning of a Langurd’s name? Ever come across a chapter title and felt like you were reading Greek? (If we’re talking about Chapter 3.14, that’s probably because you were.)
Well, stop wondering! Imagination never did anybody any good. I’m here to explain these great unsolvable mysteries and atone for my lack of clarity as a writer. If I’ve ever confused you in any way not mentioned here, please leave a request in the comments!
Names and Themes
Pronunciation │ Origin
Pronounced by awkwardly combining the velar nasal of “Lang” with the hard g of “Gurd.” Then again, it’s not a real name, so you can say it however you want. I’d love to hear a Frenchy-sounding “Lange-eurde.”
When I first installed TS3 on my precious supercomputer, I created a prototype family to test the graphics. Their names were Fewl and [I can’t remember] Langurd, and I liked the name so much that I decided to adapt it for my legacy. I suspect my brain devised it by combining the Langeraks with cheese curds.
This one’s tricky; you’re actually supposed to say it “towel,” all long and drawn-out. (Yes, I’m messing with you.)
I think slightly misspelled words are hilarious. They irritate my brain so much that it converts this response to humour in an act of self-preservation. Apparently, I thought “Fewl” was so funny that it had to be recycled, and so christening this womanizing tool was easy.
The theme was “whatever an idiot might name his kids.” Also “inanimate objects” and “words that could also be used as improper nouns and preceded by ‘a’ or ‘the’.”
RIPPER, ROTTER, AND RAZOR.
I think I Googled “worst baby names” to find the first two. Razor I came up with on the fly when Morgana surprised me with triplets. A “ripper” in Australian slang is a really good time. A “rotter” is a badly behaved child or just a nasty, useless person. A razor is the thing you shave with.
KEG AND STAR.
I was running out of ideas at this point. “Keg” would be a terrible name to grow up with, and “Star” just seems so kitschy, like naming your baby “Baby.”
The theme was “weaponry.”
Emphasis on the second syllable, and depending how authentic you want to be, you can say “Katana” like “suntan” or “Kataaaaahna” like the awkward in-between “ah” sound that North Americans struggle with for some reason.
A katana is a curved, single-edged sword traditionally used by the samurai of feudal Japan (14th-16th Century-ish) and popularly by Michonne of The Walking Dead (2010-present). The name means “sword,” literally, in Japanese. It sounded like a passable girl’s name to me—tbh, probably because of Katara in Avatar: The Last Airbender.
“Tom” as in tomcat, “a” as in “uhhh…” and “hawk” as in “sell things illegally on the streets.”
A tomahawk is a single-handed axe used as a tool and weapon by Native Americans and turned into a game by European Colonials. The word comes from the Virginia Algonquian tamahaac, “hatchet.” There’s also this really annoying and politically incorrect song that Atlanta Braves fans sing.
A lance is a medieval spear or pole-shaped weapon for use by a warrior on horseback. Too heavy for throwing or repeated jabbing, it was generally used for leading charges. In other words, the suckers who carried these were probably the first to go. Lances are used in jousting, except with blunted tips so that you can’t actually kill anyone (unless you have the superhuman strength and subhuman anger management of Gregor Clegane). Lance is also a man’s name—specifically a dragon master in the world of Pokémon.
Uh-zoo-luh. Now I wish I had spelled it like that, too.
Azula wasn’t an official child of Gen 3, so I got a bit lazy with the theme. However, Azula from Last Airbender (the Fire Lord’s daughter who makes “mentally unstable” look like sunshine and daisies) could arguably be classified as a weapon.
The theme was “foreign currencies.”
I always emphasize the “BO,” but I don’t know the real pronunciation.
One Panamanian Balboa is currently worth 1.00 USD.
Again, probably butchering the crap out of this, but in my head it’s “Floor in.” Like you’re telling the carpet to get in the back of your van.
One Aruban Florin is currently worth 0.56 USD.
“Leer” “uh,” like the Pokemon move and the resulting confusion when you realize it does practically nothing.
One Turkish Lira is currently worth 0.38 USD. One Italian Lira is currently worth 0.56 USD.
This one actually is complicated. It’s pronounced “Leff,” but I didn’t know that until it was too late, so it’s still a V in my head.
One Bulgarian Lev is currently worth 0.56 USD.
Have you mastered the German h sound? If not, don’t even bother trying to say this. Just call her “Drack-muh” like I do.
The Greek Drachma was replaced by the Euro in 2001.
For Balboa’s offspring, the theme was “plants with alleged magical properties.” For Lira’s, it was “children’s toys.”
“Man” “drake,” like a male human and a male duck. My god, what a manly name.
“Mandrake, or Mandragora, is a powerful restorative. It is used to return people who have been transfigured or cursed, to their original state.” -The Brightest Witch of her age. IRL, it’s a plant native to the Mediterranean region whose leaves have known anticholinergic, hypnotic, and hallucinogenic effects. Once upon a time, it was used medicinally as an anesthetic.
“Gum” “bee.” If it doesn’t sound stupid, you’re saying it wrong.
Created by Art Clokey, Gumby is “the original clay boy,” the protagonist of two stop-motion clay animation shows that ran between 1957 and 1989. It’s the most hilariously bad but must-have-been-brilliant-in-its-time cartoon you will ever see. While not originally a toy, Gumby spawned many plastic action figures based on himself and his friends: Pokey the horse, Prickle the dinosaur, Goo the mermaid, and Nopey the dog.
Seriously, this generation’s names are way easy. I should hope you don’t need a step-by-step for this one.
Sky dancers were a line of toys released by Galoob in the 1994 holiday season, consisting of a pull-string base and a doll with foam wings. When you pulled the string, the doll would fly into the air using its wings as a propeller. They were only the coolest thing ever, especially when your older sister had one and you didn’t. (Why is this a theme in my life?) Sadly, the doll’s monopolization of the toy market was short-lived. After 100 injuries were reported, Galoob recalled the toy in 2000. However, Sky Dancers did get a 27-episode animated television spin-off.
The theme was “things related to or signifying the apocalypse.” Phonetics and quoted definitions are from Dictionary.com.
An omen is something “
A calamity is “a great misfortune or disaster, as a flood or serious injury.” It was the real historical figure Calamity Jane (basically cowgirl Brienne of Tarth) who made me think of using it as a girl’s name. Calamity’s dad being an apocalyptic cowboy, it was already a good fit – and then she grew up Brave, Dramatic, AND easily injured. No sim has ever lived up to her name so well.
A crash is “
In music, a rhapsody is “
(Confession: I think my brain just associates this word with “rapture” and went “close enough.”)
The theme was “synonyms of the word nap.”
[rhymes with hip]
A kip is literally a slangy British word for a nap. It can also mean “bed” or be used as a verb, i.e. “Can I kip here tonight?” Fun fact: a kip is also the basic monetary unit of Laos, so our Kip could just as easily have been a part of the currency generation.
[rhymes with dance]
A trance is a “sleeplike state,” a stupor or a daze such as one would experience while hypnotized. My favourite definition is “a state of profound abstraction or absorption”; it really sums up our Trance’s way of floating through life with only himself in mind.
[rhymes with fiesta]
Siesta is the spanish word for nap, adopted as English slang in the 17th century. It usually refers to a short nap in the warmest part of the day, often after a midday meal. Given that our Siesta Loves the Heat and is a Party Animal, this might just be the most fitting name in the legacy.
I’ve been waiting for someone to guess this one, but I think if you had the initiative to come all the way to this page, you deserve to know that it’s Neopets.
[Did you know Neopets actually had a pronunciation guide? But it’s blocked on my school computer so I’m working from memory. Thankfully, this one’s easy: uh-car-uh.]
Acara are semi-aquatic Neopets who love to live by the sea and go diving for treasure. This would’ve been a better name for Kau or Kiko.
Ixi are goat-like Neopets native to Meridell who are known for their curiosity and adventurousness.
Tonu are limited edition Neopets from Tyrannia who can only be created on Tonu Day (Feb. 21st). They hatched from the eggs of a monster and love to run around knocking things over.
[Quite literally, cow]
Kau are cow-like Neopets skilled in magic and singing. They like to go to school with their friends.
Kiko are amphibious Neopets with no arms and no legs. Apparently they can survive out of water, though. They used to be regular edition but are now only available on Kiko Day (July 17th). They enjoy sweet treats and thrill rides.
Kougra are tiger-like Neopets from Mystery Island. They love eating fruit and pouncing on each other.
Kyrii are weasel-like Neopets who are great at making friends (can’t you tell from the picture?) and are allergic to apples.
The theme was “historical and fictional pirate ships.”
The Saladin we’re paying tribute to is an English barque (big boat) from the 1800s that carried a huge shipment of booty. It crashed into rocks and sank after two mutinies killed all the navigators aboard, and the survivors were questioned in the last piracy trial held in Nova Scotia, Canada.
Named for Whydah Gally, a ship from the Golden Age of Piracy. Originally a passenger, cargo, and slave ship, she was captured by Samuel “Black Sam” Bellamy and used in turn to capture many more ships. She was ultimately wrecked off the coast of Massachusetts in 1717, taking Bellamy down with her.
Her namesake is, of course, the Black Pearl from “Pirates of the Caribbean.” Sails black as night, crewed by the dead, alternately captained by Captain Jack Sparrow and Captain Hector Barbossa; burned, sunk and raised from the depths at least twice—and definitely more stuff that happened in the last movie I didn’t watch.
Theme: Everything misspelled because Tewl is a dumbass.
1.1 A Most Inospishus Beginning = “A most inauspicious beginning.” = Not a very good start.
1.2 Bachillerz 4 Lyfe = “Bachelors for life.” = Nobody’s getting a girl anytime soon.
1.3 Evrybuddy Luvs Tewl = “Everybody Loves Tewl.” = Like “Everybody Loves Raymond” but a total lie.
1.4 Broez Over Hoez = “Bros over hoes” = A really sexist proverb.
1.5 Da Betrayull = “The betrayal.” = You done screwed up, Tewl.
1.6 Identitee Crysus = “Identity crisis.” = You mean stealing my friend’s girlfriend is wrong?
1.7 Partay Rockerz in da Howse = “Party rockers in the house.” = LMFAO’s overplayed kegger ballad
1.8 Angellz ‘n’ Demuns = “Angels and demons.” = A polite way of describing Christopher’s children and Tewl’s.
1.9 Glitchiffy! = “Glitchify.” = Like “testify!” but with glitches.
1.10 Da Retern of da Flayme = “The return of the Flame.” = Tewl goes back to his old, disgusting self.
1.11 Goin’ Nowhurr Fast = “Going nowhere fast.” =
1.12 Boyz Will B Boyz = “Boys will be boys.” = See 1.4.
1.13 Altur Egoez = “Alter egos.” = The birth of Smewl Sexemoto.
1.14 Wildurness Esplorerz = “Wilderness explorers.” = Looking for rocks to sell ‘cause we’re flat broke lololol.
1.15 Waffulmageddun = “Wafflemageddon.” = Armageddon with waffles, since everyone was so bloody determined to burn the house down.
1.16 A Nyte 2 Rememburr = “A night to remember.” = Based on the High School Musical song and the expectation it sets for prom.
Theme: Turning trivial crap into big, heroic adventures!
2.1 Rising from the Ashes = As a phoenix is reborn from the dust of its former self, so the legacy rose anew from the mess Tewl had made of it.
2.2 Revenge of the Vaccinator = The most hard-done-by of the Langurds finally had her day of glory, but alas, it was her final day of all.
2.3 The Last Hurrah = The children embrace their youth with a celebratory voyage before they are either exiled or imprisoned forever.
2.4 Romeo’s Quest = Tbh, I just needed everybody to hook up.
2.5 The Night Is Dark and Full of Terrors = The phrase is borrowed from the Lord of Light in “Game of Thrones,” and the terror is Katana.
2.6 Lancelot the Brave = A future legend with the body of a girl and the name of a man is born.
2.7 The Darkling’s Crusade = Katana keeps fucking shit up.
2.8 Journey to the Fire Nation = The family travels to Ancient China, which is practically the same thing.
2.9 Blood Allies = Family ties are really important, unless you’re Katana in which case your family hates you.
2.10 There Can Be Only One = Heir poll ahoy!
Theme: It’s all Greek to me, literally. And some other languages too.
3.1 Terra Incognita = Latin for “unknown land.” Used to denote uncharted territory.
3.2 Gung Ho = Chinese characters that loosely translate to “work together.” Used to denote excess enthusiasm or enterprise.
3.3 Afficionados = Spanish for “amateurs.” Used to denote ardent supporters or devotees.
3.4 Au Naturel = French for “in the natural state.” Used to denote nakedness.
3.5 Mi Casa es Su Casa = Spanish for “my house is your house.” Used to mean “make yourself at home.” [With a touch of dark humour, since the Langurds were leaving their old “casa” to the vultures. :P]
3.6 Les Nouveaux Riches = French for “the newly wealthy.” Describes those who suddenly come into a lot of money but don’t know how to behave like rich people. Matthew from Downton Abbey would be a good example, or Mia from The Princess Diaries.
3.7 Al Fresco = Italian for “in the open air.” Usually means eating outdoors at a restaurant.
3.8 Schadenfreude = From German schaden “damage” and freude “joy.” Used to denote pleasure derived from the misfortune of others.
3.9 Folie a Deux = French for “double madness.” Refers to a shared delusion that masquerades as real precisely because another is experiencing it too.
3.10 Deus Ex Machina = Latin for “a god from a machine.” Refers to a character or thing that suddenly enters a story and solves everyone’s problems.
3.11 Hasta la Vista = Spanish for “until I see you again.” Used synonymously with GTFO.
3.12 Ultima Ratio = Latin for “the last argument.” Used to mean “last resort.”
3.13 Hakuna Matata = y’all know this one. Swahili for “there isn’t a problem.” It means no worries for the rest of your daaaaaaayyys…
3.14 Eureka! = Greek for “I’ve got it!” Exclaimed in moments of sudden revelation.
Theme: Nostalgia Road (toy and game catchphrases).
4.1 Come Play with Me = Generic creepy dollspeak.
4.2 There’s a Snake in My Boot! = One of the things Sheriff Woody says when you pull his string.
4.3 Bake Your Cake and Eat It Too = Slogan of the Easy Bake Oven.
4.4 Make Him Better or Get the Buzzer = Slogan of the game “Operation.”
4.5 Mrs. White in the Library with the Pipe = One of the potential solutions you might end up with in “Clue.”
4.6 Makin’ Things with Light = Part of the song used in Lite-Brite commercials.
4.7 Come on Barbie, Let’s Go Party = A lyric from Aqua’s “Barbie Girl.”
4.8 Taste the Explosion = Slogan of Pop Rocks, the candy that explodes in your mouth.
4.9 I Love You, You Love Me, We’re a Happy Family = Refrain of Barney and Friends.
4.10 It Always Comes Back to You = Slogan of the Yo-Yo.
4.11 I Am Mrs. Nesbitt = One of Buzz Lightyear’s funniest lines in the first Toy Story.
4.12 My Baby All Gone = Super annoying and repetitive jingle for “Baby All Gone,” a doll that eats and poops.
4.13 Oh Boy, That Tickles! = What Tickle-Me Elmo says when you tickle him (or step on him in the dark).
4.14 Sing Me to Sleep = English translation of a common Furbish phrase.
4.15 Gotta Catch’Em All! = Slogan of Pokemon (duh).
4.16 Bop It = One of the many inappropriate commands uttered by a Bop It.
4.17 Robots in Disguise = Slogan of Transformers.
4.18 To Infinity and Beyond = Buzz Lightyear’s most famous catchphrase.
Theme: Oxymorons (internally contradictory phrases)
5.1 The Living Dead = Easy, you can’t be alive and dead (but Frieda can).
5.2 Trouble in Paradise = Paradise isn’t supposed to be troubled, but then the Langurds moved to Isla Paradiso and fucked it up with their drama.
5.3 Procrastinate Now = Procrastinators avoid “now” with a thirty-foot pole. The family also accomplished nothing in this chapter.
5.4 Accidentally on Purpose = No one could tell Boa’s accidental deaths were deliberate, right? Too bad he couldn’t die.
5.5 Bittersweet = The perfect stage of grapefruit ripeness. Also when a sim you’ve been trying to kill finally dies and you realize you’re kind of sad.
5.6 The Perfect Storm = Storms are emphatically not perfect, but sometimes the mess is so well-orchestrated that you have to appreciate its beauty. Like Lira’s fireball. And Pokey’s foal. ❤
5.7 When Hell Freezes Over = Hell can’t freeze, silly! Hell is hot! But so is Isla Paradiso, and that didn’t stop it getting one hell of a winter.
5.8 Lukewarm Enthusiasm = Lukewarm means half-assed. Enthusiasm requires a full ass. But no one was that excited about the exciting things that happened in this chapter.
5.9 Well-Preserved Ruins = If a thing is ruined, you didn’t do a very good job of preserving it, did you? Unless it’s Buzz and Lira’s disastrously failed relationship immortalized in solid gold. That had no hope to begin with.
5.10 Alone Together = Only the best Fall Out Boy song ever. It was Valentine’s Day, and being alone together is the only thing saving this family from being alone forever.
5.11 Anarchy Rules = Rules have no place amidst anarchy, but anarchy did rule this chapter. I see what you did there.
5.12 Crash Landing = Can you really call it a landing if the plane bursts into flames and breaks in half and strands everyone on a sentient island with polar bears and smoke monsters? Let’s be real, I only called it this because it ended with Crash lying on the ground…
5.13 Simply Brilliant = In which we learn that the Genius trait is a lie in this family, and our brilliant Langurds are actually as simple as can be.
5.14 Tentative Conclusion = Try being tentative and conclusive at the same time. It’s basically just a “brb.” Totally didn’t have this one tucked away all generation.
Theme: Sleep-related songs
6.1 Wake Me Up When September Ends = sad Greenday song everyone makes memes about. This chapter was an early-October comeback from a long hiatus, so it felt appropriate.
6.2 Voulez-vous coucher avec moi? = An iconic line from “Lady Marmalade” by Labelle. Unlike the English “I sleep with,” “je couche avec” is always dirty and never platonic. They teach this very early in elementary school French, but awkwardly they can’t explain why.
6.3 No Rest for the Wicked = biblical proverb/Caged Elephant song. Also just a badass phrase to suit a) Skydancer the anti-fairy-godmother and b) Gryffindork promising SimNoWriMo greatness and scrambling to deliver at the last moment.
6.4 Once Upon a Nightmare = twist on the classic Disney song “Once Upon a Dream” and a symphonic metal ballad by Epica. Calamity finally nailed down her dream man in the most convoluted way possible.
6.5 They All Rolled Over and One Fell Out = a line from the children’s song “Ten In The Bed” and an accurate description of my childhood (guess who “One” was). In this case “One” was Gumby dying after a household reshuffle.
6.6 Rockabye Baby