9.3 The Last Unicorn

And the show goes on! Welcome to Act III. This chapter has to be a lucky one because ‘93 is my birth year and I said so.

Act II saw our vampirates through a second divorce—a new frontier even for this legacy. Our cast grew by one when we plucked the lovely Fawn Lacey from Oasis Landing. She’s Whydah’s girlfriend, but Pearl may have something to say about that. It also saw two whole Langurds complete their LTW’s, which leaves us with just four to go! That’s Kau’s Grand Explorer (sooooo damn close), Pearl’s The Tinkerer (making steady progress), Whydah’s Vocal Legend (it’s Sing-A-Grams for days) and Fawn’s… well, that hasn’t been settled yet.

She came to us with a dream to be Emperor of Evil, but rabbitholes are so not my jam, and I somehow highly doubt that being evil is hers.

We return on the morning of her very first day at work to find her dressed the part (or trying) and running lines in the bathroom.

Fawn: Gimme all your money!

Honey, no.

Fawn: *ahem* (deepens voice) Gimme all your money!

Still no, but keep at it.

Alas, the game won’t actually let her go to work because it doesn’t think she lives here, so all that prep was for nothing. One “Reset Homeworld” later we’re back on track, but she’ll have to wait until tomorrow to strut her stuff.

Whydah certainly strutted her stuff at last night’s SimFest, and it doesn’t take us long to realize that Mick’s Master Karaoke offers a solution to her biggest professional roadblock. Namely, it’s an indoor venue.

Whydah: Hey Mick, how’s it going? I can call you Mick, right?

Proprietor: No, that’s just the name of the bar. My name is John.*

Whydah: Oh. That’s disappointing.

*Most likely not his real name either.

Whydah: Anyway, Mick, how’d you like to have Tofu Beancurd’s niece perform a whole set on your stage?

Mick: You know my answer is yes.

Whydah: Really? I can sing something for you if you wa—

Mick: No need, you got the gig.

I mean, why dah hell not?

I’m having way too much fun with this. Thanks, Azzy. 😛

Side note—Not-Mick is such a perfect old rocker dude, I have to congratulate whichever EA employee threw him into the mix. He’s exactly the sort of person who would own a mid-tier karaoke joint.

And apparently, the sort of person who reads romance novels with his old lady friends at the bar during the day.

Mick: *gasp* Edgard, how could you?!?

Rei: No spoilers! I’m still on Book Two!

In other news, Sal has moved home in order to paint everyone’s face spend more time with his loved ones!

Whydah: Why is this room so disgustingly bright?

Because otherwise we end up with this shit and no one is happy, okay?

Sal actually does a commendable job on all of these, with his own portrait being the most mediocre. What a martyr. And these are the last ones, folks! Or the last I get points for, anyway.

Note that as Fawn’s status is now immortalized in paint, she is officially not allowed to run off with Pearl.

No, she’s very much stuck with this ball of sunshine.

Whydah: Did they give me the streaming black tears I asked for?

Totally.

Whydah: Yusssssss

Whydah: ♫ I don’t belong here / We gotta move on, dear / Escape from this afterlife ♫

At that moment, a similar sentiment echoes…

Sal: Look at this stuff, isn’t it neat? Wouldn’t you think my collection’s complete?

Sal: Wouldn’t you think I’m a girl who has everything?

This starts out as a neglectful accident, but after he gets the “Salt Water Deficiency” moodlet for the seventh time, I accept that I do not have the attention span to keep on top of this. I guess he’s got enough whosits and whatsits anyway.

But back to Whydah (you can see why we have the neglect issue, huh?). Three hours of busking in the sun has her needing a shadowy place to literally chill before tonight’s gig. I used to feel bad for abusing the fire station, but given how much time Calamity gave to this place and how little thanks she got for it, I’m gonna say we have a lifetime pass to do exactly that. Make yourself at home, girl.

Whydah: Don’t mind if I do.

Um, maybe not THAT much at home?

Whydah: Yo Joel. What’s up, my man? Put out any good fires lately?

Joel: *fully engrossed in book* Edgard, how could you!

Whydah: See? I’m blending in perfectly.

Great, except I’m suddenly very uneasy about this town’s emergency responders. I mean, if THAT didn’t get his attention, how do we know that the fire alarm will?!?

Whydah: How about we focus on my job first?

Yeah okay maybe.

Turns out I put Mick’s in a really dumb spot and it takes forever to get there from the mainland. I mean, she has to go so far off the beaten path that she discovers Andrei Varadi’s little recluse shack, inherited upon his death by his wife, my simself.

Whydah: Yikes. I figured you at least married the guy for money.

Listen here, I take no responsibility for any of her choices.

She’s only an hour and a half late (lol) but luckily, we know from experience this crowd doesn’t have a problem with cheering for an empty stage.

Inspector Schmoe: Booooo, I liked the empty stage better!

Whydah: Aren’t you the guy who tried to upstage me on guitar last night?

Inspector Schmoe: So what if I am?

Whydah: This next one’s for you.

Whydah: ♫ You ruined everything good / Always said you were misunderstood / Made all my moments your own / JUST FUCKING LEAVE ME AL— ♫

Karaoke Schmoe: ♫ HEY NOW, YOU’RE AN ALL STAR ♫

Whydah: You have got to be kidding me.

It’s just par for the course with this place, I guess.

Hear that, dude? IT ISN’T A KARAOKE COMPETITION.

Kinda feels like it might be though. Who knew Kyrii was one to tear up the stage with local nurses on their night-shift lunch breaks?

Kyrii: ♫ Doctor Jones, Jones / Calling Doctor Jones! ♫

Nurse: For real Doctor Jones, are you in here? There’s a patient coding in Bed Four and you haven’t answered your pager!

It’s ultimately Whydah’s lack of punctuality that scores her a lousy show, but the experience still boosts her to Level 6.

P.S. Watch me NEVER make use of that front stage kit because I do not have the ability to read. XD

She caps off the night by accosting strangers around the corner with her debut album. Except this one isn’t a stranger—he’s Bennie Collins, one of the guests from Pearl and Whydah’s little shindig in 8.7.

Whydah: You want to buy this album.

Bennie: Hmm, what’s it called?

Whydah: My Cold Dead Heart.

Bennie: No thanks, that doesn’t really sound like my—

Whydah: *flashes fangs* You want to buy this album.

Bennie: THIS IS MY FAVOURITE ALBUM!

Whydah: Wow, thanks! I think you’ll really dig Track Six.

Bennie: What’s Track 6?

Whydah: “Party’s Over Forever.”

Bennie: Oh wow.

Poor Sal has joined the ranks of boring old low-maintenance humans, but at least he can look to Kau for guidance.

Sal: Hey Dad, what’s it like being completely ordinary when you used to be special?

Kau: Ask your mother.

Sal: How would she know?

Kau: Idk, she just smashed a bottle on her feet and that’s never a good sign.

Mika: Noooo, my Givenchy perfume!

Mika: Where did my bloodlust go? Why am I craving cheese?

I regret that it had to be this way, but I still haven’t figured out the mod settings to put vampires on a normal aging timeline, and I need her clock to be in line with Kau’s as they near the end. So on second thought, it looks like mother and son will get to go through this dramatic adjustment together.

Or more like Mika will run off to sulk for the rest of the chapter while Sal tries to cope on his own.

Sal: Wanna play a game where I borrow your scales for an hour or two just to remember the bliss of being a mermaid?

Pearl: That is a terrible game.

Sal: Hahahahaha you’re right it’s a terrible game, what was I thinking?

Suddenly, Pearl and Whydah are the only two occults in the household and it only seems to further emphasize their differences.

Whydah: So what if I sell albums by intimidating people? We should use all the advantages we’re given in life.

Pearl: Definitely. Whatever you need to do.

Whydah: Really? I thought you’d tell me I’m a terrible person and should have more respect for my craft.

Pearl: I would, but Fawn’s watching and now you’re the one making a scene.

Whydah: Goddammit.

It sure is hard work being the centre of a love triangle. Probably harder than Fawn’s actual job, which she’s successfully been able to attend for two days now.

Fawn: Whew, running from the law really takes it out of you!

If by “the law” you mean the goose in “Duck, Duck, Goose” then sure.

Fawn: Belittle me all you want. I cut purses now.

Wow! Look at you go!

Just kidding!

I plot a mental curve of the workdays it will take her to reach Level 10, and it’s not looking good. Especially with Whydah progressing much faster than I expected. Never fear—Fawn has enough points for a new LTW now, so I just have to pick one.

Upon bidding farewell to a life of crime, she immediately stops kidding herself and rolls this. It’s far more appropriate but still waaaaay too high-maintenance.

Whydah, on the other hand, wants to pick up where her girlfriend left off. Probably she thinks she could do it better or something, and she may not be wrong there.

As it stands, we’re looking to close out this legacy without ever going full felon. It’s kinda disappointing how wholesome all the remaining LTW’s are.

Kau: Come on, people. I wanna see bobbing heads and thrashing limbs out there.

Wholesome in theory, at least.

Melody: Like this?

Kau: Yes! Excellent thrashing. Keep it up.

This rescue makes 28 of 35 by my count.

In a happy turn of events, I suck at counting!

And here it is—the final island! It’s… pretty tiny, almost like this was supposed to be one of the easier ones or something.

Tears of relief. He’s 82 and only gets a functional beach like twice a week, so there was every chance this wouldn’t happen. He gets a whopping 65,000 lifetime happiness points, which is how you know you just conquered a beast. Fun fact: that’s higher than Katana’s Seasoned Traveler by 5k, and (unbeknownst to me until now) actually the highest-netting LTW in the game.

As a reward for all of his (and Sal’s, and Kiko’s, and goddammit MY) hard work, and as a final money sink before I take my filthy hands off this family’s finances, I convert another island—the much larger No Trouble Atoll—into a second resort.

It’s a beach motel made up of all the second-cheapest blueprints, so we couldn’t go and name it anything quite as fancy as Booty Hole.

It’s also profitable by exactly seven dollars.

Or it will be once it gets a better rating.

Which spurs me to pick this as Fawn’s new LTW! This way, she needn’t lift a finger—I can just pretend this is an ISBI and leave her on complete autonomy while the money from Kau’s ventures trickles in.

I told you this would be a lucky chapter! Mere hours later, Mika wins 1,000 simoleons in the lottery.

Mika: I can buy like, four whole pencils with this!

She’s been entering every time she sells her produce at the grocery store, so it was bound to happen sometime. But of course it happens in the wake of Kau’s greatest success.

It truly is his greatest success, and nothing can possibly fulfill him any further, so he opts to retire and leave the beaches in complete chaos.

Kau: Hey, thanks for the island! I’d like to stop now.

Am I sure? AM I SURE?!

That’s more than I made in a year at my last job. Of course I’m sure.

Kau: Hooray! No more saving lives!!

That chaotic neutral energy though.

Fawn, little do-gooder she is, hurries to congratulate him but shows up just a bit late.

Fawn: Thanks for your noble service, Mr. Langurd! What will you do next?

Kau: I think I’ll waste away in Margaritaville.

Fawn: Oh. Well, good luck with that!

He’s not kidding. He sets sail for the Sea Dog Inn and doesn’t look back.

Kau: ♫ Yo ho, yo ho / A pirate’s life for me ♫

I may question his life choices, but I have to hand it to this guy. He’s probably the only Langurd who ever peaked as an elder.

Kau: Don’t say the “e” word in front of me!

Sorry. A sea dog then.

Upon our arrival, we discover that the resort has no staff and one of the bar counters is somehow already dirty? Looks like this sea dog has some work to do.

Kau: Alexa, play Jimmy Buffet.

This is so on-brand it hurts. There’s no question that Kau has always been destined to end up here.

Kau: Where are the guests? I want to tell them about the time I fought a shark!

Oh boy.

That’s where I leave him for the foreseeable future so that finally, I can devote my undivided attention to our current heiress! Today’s gig is at Flying V’s Coffeehouse, which offers confusing vibes and a whole lot of stark, stark sunlight.

Whydah: ♫ These wounds won’t seem to heal ♫

Whydah: ♫ THIS PAIN IS JUST TOO REAL ♫

She’s doing a stellar job of hiding it, though.

Whydah: Hey, how about we finish this gig inside? Wouldn’t that be fun?

Proprietor: Nah dude, I don’t own that part. Doors are locked.

And besides, you gotta stick it out! The almighty Tofu Beancurd is here! Even if he’d rather argue with DSLady’s simself than listen to your music.

Tonu: It’s been sixteen days since the zombies first attacked.

Morgan: And why am I just hearing about this now?!?

Well, Whydah’s snap-crackle-pop moodlet is ticking down to zero and even though I have spares for a reason, I’m not ready to lose her to something so dumb. So I sneak into build mode and construct a safety hut on the venue grounds, but that cheaty little act teleports everyone off of it, including Whydah.

Whydah: Welp, another dud gig for the books.

Not so fast! There’s still time on the clock—get back out there!

An hour later, and with ten minutes left, she’s back onstage.

Whydah: Sorry about that. Where were we?

Whydah: Oh yes, thank you for coming to my show. Whydah Hellnot signing off.

Worth it. Especially since the only spectator who came back is the ONLY ONE WHO MATTERS. ❤

Tonu: Get your goldfish a bicycle.

It IS still a dud gig though.

Oh hey, looks like Sal’s been exiled again. I leave him unattended here for who knows how long, and when I come back, he has the table set for two and is refusing to touch either plate of pancakes. Could it be that he’s trying to tell me something?

Sal: I don’t know. Could it?

I shall take that as a yes. But don’t worry, buddy. I have plans for you yet.

And for Pearl, once she’s a master of mechanics. I’ll admit, part of the reason they’re both still here is in case anything ridiculous happens to Whydah (which is apparently a genuine possibility) but also because I’m determined to find the perfect match for each of them before they go.

Pearl: I’ve found mine, you just won’t let me have her.

Uh, right… Can I interest you in a second-to-perfect match?

Pearl: I’d rather be alone forever, thanks.

Wow, she and Whydah both have a hidden Dramatic trait when it comes to Fawn. What kind of magic does that woman wield?

Speaking of magical women, you’ll never guess who the proprietor of the big-ass concert venue is. No really, you won’t guess because she’s a face-one elder and we haven’t seen her since 8.8. It’s Genevieve Gooch, guys!

Gooch: Well well, if it isn’t young Whydah Langurd. I had a feeling we would meet here one day.

Whydah: Still mad at you for taking my chair at the wedding.

Gooch: But did that not spur you to become a greater artist?

Whydah: What? No, not at all.

It only makes sense that, in order to book the biggest show of her career, Whydah has to get on her knees and grovel to the almighty Gooch.

Whydah: Here, a peace offering.

Gooch: I accept your truce. However, you suck.

Oof. I mean, I’ve since learned that the benchmark for this venue is Level 8, so I don’t know what I was expecting. But rejection from Gooch is still a slap in the—

Miranda: GET OUT OF MY LIFE

Kia: NO YOU

That’s Miranda Weaver (Whydah’s cousin) and Kia Goldberg (Whydah’s first marriage prospect). It would appear they’ve maybe been dating? But since I witnessed this little scuffle, I now have my eye on Kia for one of my lonely spares. Stay tuned on that front!

The only thing stopping these two from fully jumping each other’s bones is Pearl’s tendency to whip out a “Berate Ignorance” every now and then, and for that I am eternally grateful.

Pearl: Are you too dumb to realize how good we would be together?

Fawn: I just asked you how your day was going…

True story, probably.

KIKO!!!!! Guys, it’s Kiko! Kiko is here!

Kiko: Yeah okay, I knew this was a bad idea. I should leave now.

Awww! You totally came to support your brother’s new business!

Kiko: No, I came for the free booze.

This is a paid bar…

Kiko: Precisely why I’m leaving.

She and Kau do get a moment to catch up, but then he’s right back to regaling his staff with tales of the past.

Kau: So then I pried the shark’s jaws open and said “Not today, Spicy!” and a single teardrop fell from his eye because he knew I had defeated him.

Bartender: How do tears fall underwater?

Kau: You wouldn’t believe it ‘til you saw it, sonny.

Bartender: You got that right.

Ah, the life of a singer. I put a mini fridge in the sleepout so she’d have easy access to plasma juice, but she always seems to opt for these fruity boys instead.

Whydah: This satisfies none of my needs whatsoever. I like it.

Congratulations, you just described alcohol.

But it’s Pearl who wins the award for neediest Langurd. Her hunger bar can only be properly sated by fish and kelp, of which we currently have none.

Pearl: Please can I just go diving for like an hour?

Not until you—

NICE. Okay yeah, I’ll think about it.

But first, Whydah.

Whydah: I thrive on being the main character and all, but what’s actually important about this shot?

I don’t know. You look cool?

Whydah: Maybe go feed Pearl some fish and stuff.

Orrrrr I could check up on Kau because old habits die hard.

Kau: “Old habits?” Is that my new nickname?

More like an Ed Sheeran single in 2055, am I right?

Kau: No.

Jokes aside, this guy is truly living his best retirement life. I don’t know why anyone would keep working out after maxing their athletic skill (it’s not like fitness is a lifelong commitment or anything, jeez) but whatever floats his boat. He spends a good amount of time milling by the pool to balance it out.

Kau: Hey Dudley, how do you like the pool? Pretty great huh? Say, did I ever tell you about the time I killed a shark?

Dudley: *sinks underwater*

Whydah pretty much lives at Mick’s these days, between gigs, SimFests, and poaching customers by busking just outside the doors. She has a show there tonight, and in the interest of not missing half her set again, she spends most of the day there with Fawn in tow.

Fawn: Why do I need to be here?

Whydah: I’m sorry babe, but do you have anything better to do?

Fawn: Not since my dreams got cancelled.

Whydah: Oh my god. You’ve just written my next song for me.

Fawn: Happy to help.

Whydah: Check out Track Four, Cancel Your Dreams.

Persephone: How did you manage to write and record that in the last five minutes?

Whydah: Well you see, it’s quite simple…

This moodlet is such a flex and I love it.

Tonight’s concert is a family affair! I bring Pearl, Fawn, and Sal (little loner is hiding in the back, probably trying to sneak out the door) and we even get another surprise visit from Tonu! At this point, one might even say he’s a fan?

I finally get her stage props sorted out, so that’s an added bonus. And her work costume is finally something I can live with. Things are really shaping up.

Whydah: Come on. If that wasn’t a “great gig”, I’ll eat my shoe.

Bon appetit, girl.

If the chicken show is good for one thing, it’s that it gives everyone a chance to catch up once the curtains go down. That’s maybe not such a plus for those two in the back…

Pearl: You wanna get out of here and go catch a snack? My hunger bar has been half full for days.

Fawn: You mean like hit up a restaurant?

Pearl: No, like dive in the ocean and catch fish with our bare hands.

Bystander: Omg, do it! You two make such a great couple!

…but it’s a golden opportunity for Whydah to meet her idol.

Whydah: Hey Uncle Tonu, thanks for coming out! It really is an honour.

Tonu: It’s five o’clock somewhere.

Loooooooooooool. You hear that, Whydah? He really said “Get away from me, you pesky brat.”

A double whammy of rejection.

Luckily, “talk about wealth” never fails because privilege is everything.

Whydah: Here, check out my new album! I wrote Track Nine just for you.

Tonu: No one gives a damn.

Whydah: Whoa, how’d you know that was the title?

Tonu: There are few things better than a slice of pie!

Whydah: That means so much coming from you!

Yeah, I’m pretty sure he’s about to throw that overboard on the jet ski ride home.

Okay wow, I had labelled this “Level 6” in my barebones captions, but it’s actually Level 8??? Am I writing really concise chapters now or is Whydah just really good at this?

With Level 8 comes Wig Wig Wag, my all-time favourite song in the singer career. Now watch me abuse it ‘til the cows come home.

In fact, we get an opportunity the very next day when another SimFest crops up. Lo and behold, the master actually shows his face at this one!

Tofu: ♫ I don’t pay, I don’t money / I don’t need a mustang ♫

Fan 1: Magic.

Fan 2: Blessed.

Fan 3: What a time to be alive.

And while Tofu sets the bar high with his deep and meaningful lyrics, there’s no match for this masterpiece. Spoiler—she raps.

Whydah: ♫ Fibbiny, hibbiny, wig wig wag ♫

Fan 1: Is this…?

Fan 2: Could it be…?

Fan 3: Oh no she didn’t!

Ashley: THIS IS MY JAM BRO

This is Ashley Alto-Rodel, an obvious member of the Hot Repairladies Club, and at first glance, maybe a perfect second-to-perfect match for Pearl? Something kills it though, and I’m not sure if she’s too old or married or what, but we don’t see her again after this and I’m kinda disappointed.

It would appear there are still several (questionably) young and (questionably) eligible women left in Isla Paradiso, because Kau throws this after a few days days unattended at the motel, and it’s my cue to go and check on him.

He’s just having a time though. Can’t really fault him for that.

He does occasionally hover by the younger female clientele, but in this case at least, I don’t think anything is going to happen.

Jammie: Because I’m in a relationsh—

Kau: Because her NOSE.

Jammie: Hey, what?

Meanwhile, Mika’s having a tranquil evening swim, gazing pensively across the ocean in her ex-lover’s general direction.

Mika: Nah man, I just want to know what that weird light is.

I’m over here wistfully hoping that they’ll roll wishes for each other and we can start Make-Up 2.0, but Mika only has one thing on her mind…

*spits out tea* I’m sorry, WHAT horse?

YOU HAVE GOT TO ME KIDDING ME

Booty: Bitch, can I help you?

A million thoughts go through my mind. Obviously, this is a sign. A chance for redemption. We have to make him ours and right the wrongs of the past. Oh, but adopting a unicorn takes so much time and effort, and I have the end of the legacy to focus on. Won’t we end up neglecting him and proving once and for all that we don’t deserve him or his kind?

In the end, I make the mature decision and declare that the best thing we can do for Booty and his entire species is to never let a Langurd within a hundred metres of him.

The end.

Honestly, I have some regrets about that (especially since Kau has a million friends and could have made short work of it) but it’s too late now. And anyway, it’s the moment of truth at Whydah’s SimFest!

Mick: Ladies and gentlemen, as per usual I need not tell you that— wait, WHAT?! Is this some kind of joke??!

REALLY?!?

Whydah: Go Tofu! Go Tofu!

Ashley: Girl, that’s you!

Whydah: Wait, what?

Whydah: This is the greatest moment of my life, you guys! I’d like to thank my good friend Mick—

Mick: John.

Whydah: —and my idol Tofu Beancurd—gg, bro— oh and my beautiful muse, Fawn!

Said muse is leading a rather lacklustre existence on the Sad Couch of Pathetic Losers^TM. Come on you guys, is this really the best use of your time?

Sal: Categorically, yes.

Fawn: Absolutely.

Pearl: No but Fawn is here.

Meanwhile, Mama Bear has filled up her whole wish panel with delusions of these Pathetic Losers getting married (in addition to sticking a shovel in the ground, an equivalent joy).

I humour her by locking them all in, but I can’t see this going down without a lot of drama.

Case in point. They’ve definitely sneaked in a few flirts here and there but have not yet committed a full-on betrayal. I’m hoping that once Pearl finds a distraction girlfriend, she’ll forget all about this hang-up. Hoping, begging, PRAYING.

However, I lock this wish in too, because if they DO blow everything up then at least I get LTH points for it.

And they may very well do just that. *headdesk*

Pearl: This is just cruel and unusual punishment.

Fawn: What ever do you mean?

Sal: Even I’m feeling a little dirty right now.

I would NEVER imply that she’s asking for anything here, but come on girl. Do you have to plant yourself right in their eyeline?

Fawn: I still don’t know what you mean.

I extract Fawn from the room because Pearl’s already functioning on a half-full hunger bar while trying to get her last logic point, and something’s gotta give.

Pearl: I’M FINE.

Okay, I’ll take your word for it.

Pearl: GOD, it’s annoying how POINTY bishops are, isn’t it?

Not rea—

Pearl: FUCK YOU, YOU SPIKY BASTARD

Oh dear.

Pearl: AND DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT CRAWLING BACK, YOU HEAR?!

Pearl: Now where was I?

I present to you, a master of logic!

And handiness! One might even say… a Tinkerer!

Her next goal, you ask?

Well, I think that one’s pretty obvious. This little fish has got to get laid, and SOON.

---

Another pile of ridiculousness brought to you from my own Sad Chair of Pathetic Losers, where I’ve been pounding the lemon ginger tea and eating Cheerios out of the box because the dreaded ‘rona has (most likely) struck me down at last. I think I sneezed at least once for every screenshot in this chapter while writing it.

We are genuinely so close to the end of this thing! I once again have the conundrum of an odd number of chapters, but with some rearranging there should be either three or four more left. The next one is chockablock with romantic endeavours, so look forward to that! Or don’t. I won’t tell you how to live your life.

Except to say Happy Simming!

-Sam