5.12 Crash Landing
Quick PSA before we start! (Just doing my civic duty.) Would any of you be interested in a round-robin-style legacy? If so, head over to this thread on Boolprop and get your name in while there’s room! The project is headed up by yours truly – which, based on my impressive resume, means it will probably die a swift death. But hey, you could change that!
Anyway, my days of abandoning legacies are behind me. The Langurds are still kicking, aren’t they? And biting, and scratching, and screaming…
Frieda: Ooga booga, I’m a scary ghost!
Rhapsody: Mama stop! So am I!
Thanks for illustrating my point, guys. Reeeeeal helpful.
Tonight on Party of Five, Julia finally swindles Charlie into driving lessons.
Fiasco: Like this?
Omen: Yes. Now turn left.
Fiasco: Where’s the blinker?
Omen: How should I know? I don’t have my licence.
Fiasco: *screeches to a halt*
And yet Omen is still the most qualified parental figure – at YA + 1 day, he’s officially older than his mom. Which is weird.
And Grandpa Gumby, well, he barely considers himself human anymore.
Gumby: My son. ❤
…Cut that shit out.
On Leisure Day, the family got invited to a distant Langurd’s pool party. Cally took this opportunity to bond with her estranged half-uncle.
Calamity: You were an acrobat?! Can you teach me how to do a backflip?
Mandrake: If only I knew, girl.
With traits like hers, it’s probably for the best.
Now that he’s up and walking, Crash has fallen into the habit of engaging strangers in really awkward stand-offs.
Man: Erm, where are your parents?
Man: Are you lost?
Crash: *scuffs foot*
Man: Do you need help?
This is the house they were at. Can we just acknowledge this blatant but beautiful rip-off of the Human Aquarium? What, EA, you think you can one-up me with your superior architecture and symmetry? Well you can, dammit! D:
Fiasco cut short the driving lesson when he realized the blind were leading the blind, and the boys found themselves stranded in the outskirts of Paradise.
Omen: What’s that, Doomsday? You think Fifi should go stand under that dangerous waterfall?
Fiasco: I don’t think that’s such a-
Omen: He is the mouthpiece of the gods, Fiasco.
Fiasco: I think this is as far as I can go. Will the gods be mad at me? …Omen? Omen!
Calamity: Then this goes here and that goes there…
Wtf are you doing?
Calamity: Making something from nothing!
Calamity: Ta da!
Actually no, you made nothing from nothing. This timeless relic is worth $1??? Tell me, is this terrible coding or a cruel joke?
Calamity: Well, here’s some more nothing.
Calamity: And some more.
Omg, a whole $3 worth of rock (the dive well is worth nothing). And on that day the riches rained down upon them.
Calamity: I think I will drown myself now.
Before the eyes of the ancestors…
Gumby: I am such a good father, reading to my son like this.
Yeah, he’s illiterate. And asleep.
Gumby: …….I’m just really hooked on this series, okay???
Frieda: Why are the wine racks empty?
Did you check the bottom ones?
Frieda: Are you implying that I walk around with my nose in the air?
Well, I’m glad you said it so I didn’t have to. 😉
probably definitely forgot to mention it when he aged up, but I picked Chess Legend for Omen’s LTW because I hate myself and crave boredom.
Actually, it’s because he’s the eldest and this way I can (maybe) knock it off early whether he’s heir or not. And if he is, I’m sure he’ll find another grand ambition to occupy the rest of his days. Or retire to the rocking chair at age 35.
Calamity: I think I saw a lantern fish down there!
Genuinely surprised you’re still alive, now come do something productive.
Calamity: Nah, I’m good.
Gumby: And werk it… 2… 3… 4… WOW WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE!
Gumby: Aaaand squat, squat, squat, squat…
You can stop now, he’s awake.
Gumby: Great! We can read more Little House on the Prairie! I’ll go get Book Three!
Gumby: Don’t do that at the dinner table, young lady!
Calamity: Dad, you’re eating cereal.
Gumby: …Froot Loops are people too!
I bought a dream pod for kicks. I don’t know as it’s accomplished anything so far except to put this dumb smile on Gumby’s face.
Gumby: I am such a good dad. I am the best dad.
Yeah, keep on dreaming. (Hardy har har.)
Fiasco: So did we die from like a lightning strike, or a broken dishwasher, or?
Frieda: Son, you’re third-generation ghost. You didn’t die.
Fiasco: Well, there goes the one cool thing I had going for me.
Frieda: I shouldn’t have–
Fiasco: It’s fine. I’m fine.
Frieda: He’s so going to cry.
Fiasco: I’m fine, Mom!
She thought she’d make it up to him with a remedial driving lesson.
Frieda: Now turn left.
Fiasco: Where’s the blinker?
Frieda: Idk lol.
Fiasco: *tires screech*
Fiasco: Mom? Mom, are you okay??
Frieda: This was a grave mistake.
Fiasco: Well, at least we’re already ghosts, right?
Frieda: …You are dead to me.
That’s two of three ghost babies disowned – you’re running out of living dead progeny, Frieda!
Hard to imagine #3 ever putting a toe out of line though.
Rhapsody: I love my Mummy!
Mummy Bear: Really?! ‘Cause I love y– oh, awkward.
Later, the entire family decided to
betray me be supportive and go with Omen to his graduation.
But even with all of them in attendance, they couldn’t make themselves useful.
Omen: Guys, I can’t carry her across the stage. Someone has to take her.
Skydancer: Yeah, I’m a little sore.
Gumby: Is that music I hear?
Omen: That’s fine, I’ll find somewhere to put her down.
Like… a fenced-in drug deal hotspot?
Karma! He ran out of time and had to graduate there, too.
Omen: This is humiliating.
Especially for a Valedictorian. What, did he phone in his speech or something? XD
Lev’s clan was equally supportive, turning up in all their sparkling glory.
Deana: I love my family.
Graduate Deana recently got engaged to local Scott Collins, and married him shortly after the ceremony.
Middle child Dominique, present but not pictured, is officially dating Kristy Laserkatt-Medina (daughter of Julia’s simself). The pop-ups indicate she’s cheating on him, but that’s okay. If you remember last chapter, he’s probably cheating on her too.
The kid in the back is Molly, their youngest and probably their last.
Skydancer: So I heard you keep diamonds in your skirt…
Frieda: Why do you say that? Who told you that? WHO?
Skydancer: …which was just a rumour, clearly.
With his dream of being a
professional certified driver up in flames, Fiasco went in search of a new ambition.
Which promptly went up in flames as well.
Fiasco: Where are my fingers?
More importantly, why does your head look like a raddish?
Fiasco: Is it really though?
Crash, the dark horse of this shindig, already knows what he wants to do in life. That is, repeatedly work up a sweat without ever gaining a single skill point, because EA is a piece of– Omg, I totally forgot I gave him a tattoo. XD
Rhapsody: When can I grow up and start impressing people?
Calamity: Kid, you reek of ambition. Just holding you is raising my blood pressure.
Rhapsody: Maybe you should work out more?
Calamity: Haha, good one.
Omen: Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t that thing just blow you up?
Fiasco: I have to persevere! No one ever cured cancer by quitting!
Omen: Ah. Maybe now would be a good time to tell you that the world is ending in precisely twelve days.
Omen: It’s true. I read it in the stars.
With so many ghosts in the family, our netherworldly visitors are becoming rather blah. But not Lira. Lira will never not be entertaining.
Lira: You clean that floor, sonny. You clean it good.
Gumby: Yes, Ma.
Omen: What the actual…
My words exactly.
And again, what the…
Frieda: I call it Sozin’s Comet.
That is acceptable.
And on that note…
Fiasco: Omen says a comet will strike in 12 days, bringing destruction and an end to the world as we know it. I have to memorize every inch of the galaxy so I can find the culprit and warn NASA!
Okay, but don’t tire yourself out.
He proceeded to discover celestial bodies and give them the most mundane names on the planet.
Cameron the Comet is a suspicious fellow and may be the harbinger of Omen’s apocalypse. Will confirm later.
But then it was right on to the next activity. I dunno, buddy. I really think you found your niche with Jared and Cameron.
Fiasco: I’m just feeding these guys. It looks like they haven’t eaten in a while.
Pokey: Yeah, ’cause SOMEONE forgot about us…
Gumby (in background): Hum dee dum…
Calamity: Can you not do that at the dinner table?
Omen: You’re eating ice cream.
Calamity: Yeah, and you made it go bad.
So I can’t take headshots of my actual heir candidates, but I can take headshots of random nobodies who stumble across my camera? REALLY SAM YOU ARE SO GOOD AT THIS.
This nobody is a little bit relevant – her name is Charissa Langurd-Han. Now, I stopped joining up dots on the family tree after the last move, but I’m gonna throw a wild guess out there and say she’s descended from Lance.
Charissa: I’m an airhead and highly unpleasant.
See? I told you so!!
And this be Amelia Carnes, Omen’s romantic interest from prom. The Face One is strong with this one, as with all of them. I don’t know why I still try.
In other news, Frieda made dinner.
Hold up, she WHAT?
Frieda: I should be a chef!
Calamity: Please no.
Okay, I would have been more concerned if it hadn’t turned out horrible.
What else can we fail at today, hmm, Langurds?
Weird that we got more business when the resort was buried in snow. I mean, I look at this place and I think “Who wouldn’t want to stay here?”
And then I read the reviews from all the people who don’t want to stay here, and I really can’t argue with them.
I still don’t have the best handle on alien abilities. So while I’m praying the genes away, I thought I’d make use of the special features while I can.
Amelia: Actually, it’s Amelia. But I can see how you would–
Calamity: Silence! You are my slave now!
Sadly not how it works. In fact, I’m still not clear on how it works.
Storm: All gather round the sacred salt lick! By the power vested in us, we three horse folk call upon the Comet of So–
OMG it’s you!! You’re summoning the apocalypse!
Storm: I don’t know what you’re talking about. *ahem* We call upon the Comet of Sozin…
Pokey: You think all that training’s messing with her head?
Axorn: I DO THINK SO YES.
She has been a bit overworked lately.
This may genuinely be the first proper look we’ve had at Fiasco’s face since his birthday. Better hit that PrintScreen in case it doesn’t happen again.
He’s an odd duck, isn’t he? I think he has Frieda’s face shape and maybe her mouth. But that nose and those narrow, slanty eyes… They don’t look as though they belong to either parent. Which, in a game full of all-or-nothing genetics, is REALLY FREAKING COOL.
Rhapsody: No fair, they love you!
Gumby: I remember when I won the heir poll…
Against two faceclones. Yeah, that was a real grand slam!
Omen must have had the sudden realization that he is a 25-year-old virgin.
Omen: I am so manly.
Passerby: Nice try, I just saw you sprint there from the chess table.
It’s your lucky day, Rhapsody! You finally get your shot at impressing the masses!
Rhapsody: I’m so honoured, I–
Frieda: I’d better go see Storm, she seems lonely.
Sky: So does the microwave.
Rhapsody: Feeling the love. ❤
Well, I certainly love her. I think I smell a Frieda clone (unless the eye shape is Gumby’s?) but it wouldn’t be the first time. Poor thing sprouted an “Unlucky” trait and a ScriptError in the seconds after she sparkled.
And now for The Mystery of the Hair: Still can’t see it? Tilt your screen up, then down. Then up and down and all around until you catch that tiny sheen of colour. It’s not actually black, but brown! Boa’s brown, in fact. Which I think comes to us from Molly French, Dax’s mother.
Never thought I’d get so worked up over poop-coloured hair!
Teen: Dude, could you not do that in my living room?
Fiasco: This isn’t a living room, it’s a… a…
Sorry pal, that comeback looked a lot better on your brother and sister.
Omen’s first ranked chess match was against Coolio Langurd, Florin’s clone. You may recall that Coolio has the untreatable gift of invisibility. It made for a pretty entertaining game.
Omen: A crushing defeat! Take that!
Coolio: And how you gonna prove it?
The trouble with open maps is…
Pokey: I’m tired of getting my legs broken all the time! I demand equality for horses! Or crosswalks at the very least!
Gumby: Oh hey, thanks for saving my life!
Pokey: Like I had a choice.
Calamity: Hello, brother.
Fiasco: Hello, sister.
No, Crash, that is not how normal siblings interact, and you should not follow their example.
(Almost) all the siblings in one room. How adorable.
Omen: Everyone study hard, we want to do Mom proud with our ground-breaking science careers.
Rhapsody: I think I might be an arts kid.
Fiasco: I think I might go shelf-shopping.
Calamity: Lol, careers.
After a riveting game of “I’d like to buy this pony… Oh, silly me, I already own that!” Fiasco won serious big brother points by reading Crash a book he actually enjoyed.
Fiasco: When the horse canters to the right, his right foreleg will be leading, and this is known as cantering on the right rein. When the horse canters to the left, his left foreleg will be leading, and this is known as cantering on the left rein.
He then rewarded himself with a nice cup of tea.
Fiasco: I think I have figured out who I am.
“Enjoying” Jared, are we? 😉
I KNEW IT!!
Calamity: It says here this legacy’s never had a gay heir before. Does that mean Fiasco’s saleability just shot through the roof?
Sky: Well, that’s not totally true. My grandma Katana had boyfriends and girlfriends, but she didn’t take anything seriously, least of all her relationships. And no one was ever really sure about Florin…
Calamity: Mm-hmm, good stuff. I’ll put it in my spreadsheet.
Sky: You have a spreadsheet?
Calamity: Well I thought I did. But I might have accidentally drawn a sailboat instead.
Gumby: I can’t believe the rest of my band is dead. Time really flies.
Uh, Manny’s not dead yet.
Gumby: Just let me play my sad lament! *plunks out Axel F*
He’s still really not good.
Prom Phase 2 happened, but I don’t remember when. And who really cares? Here are the lowlights.
You picked a good one, Cal.
This guy’s name is Willie Fogle which is adorbs and perf and I totes shipped them right off the bat.
Turns out both he and Brock are slightly chubby Face Ones with no marriage potential. Who would’ve guessed?
Omen: It’s hopeless! How will I ever find a girl before the world ends? How, Axorn?
Axorn: WOE IS YOU, YOUNG MASTER
Omen: I feel so validated. Thank you.
Pssst. Hey Omen. Isn’t that a girl right there?
Omen: Hold on, I’m busy.
Omen: HOW DARE YOU SKIP SCHOOL YOU FUCKING IMBECILE? GET ON YOUR DAMN BIKE AND GO LEARN A THING OR TWO, THAT’S ALL IT SHOULD TAKE TO FILL UP THAT TINY HEAD OF YOURS!
Livy: Wow, what a charmer. Are we playing this chess match or what?
Omen: Right. Sorry about that. Let’s begin.
Crash (whispers): I hope you lose!
He didn’t, unfortunately.
Omen: Rain sucks. Like, if I wanted to get wet, I’d go swimming. You know?
Of course Mr. Genius turns into a complete dunderhead when speaking to women.
Livy: Good thing I like the bad boys!
Livy: Uh, nothing. Nothing at all.
Omen: You have all the tenacity of a puff pastry, and you look like one too!
Omen: You’re a boring fifth wheel and you should never have been born!
Omen: So, where were we?
Dammit, Livy, don’t encourage him!
Plot twist: turns out she’s only going through the son to get to the father.
Gumby: Oh yeah, look who’s still got it!
You never had it.
Fiasco: Dad, I think you’re levitating me!
Gumby: Like I said, look who’s still got it!
You never had that either.
Crash did get on his bike as his brother demanded, probably to get as far as possible from said brother.
But before Crash could cover much ground… he crashed.
Rhapsody: Brother? Are you okay?
Apparently those four words took a lot out of him. XD
Guess who underestimated their posting ability? Guess who just punched this out in a single day? Guess who needs to learn how to focus at work?
If you answered “Gryffindork,” you’d be wrong.
The correct answer is “an overcaffeinated, hypertense, word-spewing version of the Gryffindork you know and love.”
Just kidding, that is the Gryffindork you know and (possibly, no pressure or anything) love.
I just realized something really cool about the timing of these next few posts, so I’m gonna try my best to blast through those as well. However, I mean it this time when I say no more ’til after Nationals. To quote a masterpiece, I gotta get my head in the game.
Oh, and don’t forget to check out the round-robin legacy thread! ‘Cause I know you all need one more thing on your plates. 😉